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Cheer me up

Started by Brixton-Slag, April 01, 2004, 03:31:28 AM

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Brixton-Slag

Hello

I've read this forum for a long time, but this is my first post. Don't know why I haven't done it earlier.... just couldn't be arsed I guess. Anyway, I'm travelling round the world and miss England, esp my fav comedy shows. What gives me great joy is reading quotes you guys make from Seinfeld, Family Guy and any CM show... so please stick your best ones up and make a homesick guy happy!

Lumiere

Do you live in brixton? I live right near there (2 minutes away).

Anyway: 'You're wrong, and you're a grotesquely ugly freak'.

Big Jack McBastard

"Lie to her, it's ok to lie to women they're not people like us."

Whoredog

You mean you've got bad AIDS and not good AIDS?

Des Nilsen

"Have me!... Have meee, I'm a love Albatross!"

-

Utter Shit

How about Only Fools And Horses?

'If it's a boy, they're thinking of calling it Rodney. After Dave.'

No? OK then.

'Homosexuals...can't swim, they attract enemy radar...they attract SHARKS, they insist on being seated at the Captain's table...they...get up late, they MUCK ABOUT...'

Utter Shit

Oops, I forgot my favourite one.

'Well perhaps you can tell me what's wrong with feeding beefburgers to swans...if you fill a swan's stomach up with beefburgers it''s full of fat, it'll float better, that's why we do it.'

'Really?'

'No, you COMPLETE CRETIN, I'm just contributing to this total farce!'

It's the delivery of 'complete cretin' that gets me, genius.

El Unicornio, mang

the way he says "get yourself out of a lot of silly bother" in that episode is great too

I think Alan Partridge has the best ones. A few of his gems when he's sitting with the two Irish blokes:

"Four full British Isles breakfasts please" (totally ignored by the studio audience, and by myself until about the tenth viewing)

"It was only the potatoes that were affected, at the end of the day you do pay the price if you're a fussy eater"

"Yeah. I think the Irish are going through a major image change. I mean, the old image of Leprechauns, shamrock, Guinness, horses running through council estates, toothless simpletons, people with eyebrows on their cheeks, badly tarmacced drives – in this country, men in platform shoes being arrested for bombings, lots of rocks, and Beamish. I think people are saying yes, there's more to Ireland than this....A good slogan for the tourist board – [does the bad Irish accent again] "Dere's more to Oireland dan dis." "


"It amazes me when people say that and it's only forty-nine quid on a plane."
"Yeah, I think that's what puts me off"

"You robot! ... I wouldn't be surprised if she went into the kitchen, opened her chest up, stuck in a screwdriver and turned her smile up. It's a nice chest, but... full of wires"

"Oh, well, yeah. Fantastic. 'Sunday Bloody Sunday'. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn't it? You wake up in the morning, you've got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you've got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you think "Sunday, bloody Sunday!"."


Genius

Des Nilsen

My quote above was from Bottom.

Here's a good one from the 'Anglian Lives' Partridge thing (as close as I can remember anyway)...

Alan: I don't think you should be wearing a skirt if you're handling a Kestrel.

Kestrel Handler Lady: Well why not?...

Alan: Oh come on, you know there's probably some pervert out there who's attached a mini-cam to a homing pidgeon and taught it to believe that 'Knickers is 'ome'...

Cue bemused look from Kestrel Lady.

-

Lumiere

The amount of heroin I inject every month is negligible and is purely for recreational use. But what about people less intelligent than me? Theworking classes;Builders; blacks for example.

Brixton-Slag

No I don't live in Brixton.... its just a phrase from the film Scum.

Anyway....

"Your calls tonight have been described as rabid, pig-ignorant, and stultifyingly ill-informed. Thanks for those."

The way he says "thanks for those" is brilliant, and "rabid, pig-ignorant, and stultifyingly ill-informed" is sheer genius.

hoverdonkey

"Holy crip. He's a crapple!"