Mums and Grannies Say the Funniest Things

[buntyman]

When conversation in my family turns to popular culture, I know I'm usually in for a comedy treat. My dad is happily oblivious to any post 70s films and music but my mum does try to make more of an effort to keep up. She does however, rarely get names of modern actors, bands, entertainers etc right and usually is a good source of amusement - the slightly wrong name she uses being permanently adopted as the name to be used by my dad and I whenever the person is referred to again. KD Kuntstall is one of my mum's favourite singers at the moment and she's also partial to the odd Optic Monkeys and Daniel Beddington single. Filmwise, she likes a lot Genzel Washington's films, the Shawsack Redemption being a particular favourite, but dislikes any of the ultra-violent stuff citing Quarantino as a particular offender.
My gran is quite good for this too. Slightly different in that she usually gets a name right but uses it incorrectly. Yesterday she asked me "is this Nintendos?" when The Simpsons was on.
Anyway, yous got any similar examples or is it just my family wot's nuts?

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

My mum knows more about pop music than I do.

[Glebe]

Yesterday she asked me "is this Nintendos?" when The Simpsons was on.

Brilliant.

[lactating man nips]

Thankyou Buntyman your post made me laugh heartily. Not particularly funny but I always found it frustrating when my mum would refer to my favourite comic as AD 2000.

[LeboviciAB84]

She was, however, chronologically correct.

[Fry]

Before my school prom a couple of days ago, my nan was sure to remind me not "to get any girls drunk and take advantage of them, you can get arrested for that nowadays."

[chand]

Before my school prom a couple of days ago, my nan was sure to remind me not "to get any girls drunk and take advantage of them, you can get arrested for that nowadays."

It's political correctness gone mad.

[bomb_dog]

Someone I know said the new superman film wasn't as good as the 'original', "you know, with Teri Pratchett in it".

[Labian Quest]

There was a bit in the paper one time about how British Aerospace were having problems with birds flying into the engines on prototype aircraft they were testing, it said that a particular pigeon had flown into one of them and caused about 5 Million quid's worth of damage, my mum said that it probably caused 'about 5 Million quid's worth of damage to the pigeon'

[buttgammon]

In between saying "It's political correctness gone mad", my nana will very often see a picture of a celebrity in paper and start saying "She's a slapper." This applies to Ulrika Jonsson, Victoria Beckham, Anthea Turner and many more. While for men, she'll usually say "He's nasty to his wife." That normally means Christ Tarrant, Les Dennis, Piers Morgan...

But there was one incident which I didn't see first hand which sounds completely absurd. My aunt took my nana to the cemetery once. My nana pointed out some bloke and said "God, he looks like a right bloody wanker." Shocking! I swear like a docker but to hear that my elderly grandmother who is shocked by people saying "Bleeding hell" and girls wearing skirts which go slightly above their knees has said the word 'wanker' is incredible. I think it could be put down to the fact that she watches Big Brother all day and picks stuff up from there, maybe not knowing what it means.

[lactating man nips]

You can't put a price on a dead pigeon.

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

All my elderly relatives are dead....funny that is!! No, they're actually dead.

[Santa's Boyfriend]

You can't put a price on a dead pigeon.

You can if you cook it first.

[Pie Pie Eater]

Ok so this is not strictly within the topic remit, but she was probably someone's granny:

I was working in an off-license, listening to a King Biscuit Time EP on which one of the songs begins with just a drum sound on each beat, and an old woman came in, bought something and then asked "Is this what they call rap music because it sounds like someone rapping on a table?"

I just had to say something like "No, but I can see why you would think that."

[buttgammon]

I've just remembered one. Whenever my nana watches something about Iraq on the news, she says "Have they got that Saddam al bin Laden yet?"

[Fielding]

I had a very strange conversation when we happened to be (not by intent) all sat down as a family watching Lilly Allen at Glastonbury:

Mum:"Who's her?"
Me:"Lilly Allen"
Mum:"Isn't her dad meant to be famous or something? Who is he?"
Sister:"Richard Allen is it?"
Mum:"Arrr, right. One of 'The Goodies'."

(I LOL'd)

She also does that thing of pluralising people's surnames (especially grand prix drivers):

"How's Coo-tards doing?"
"He's out the race."
"What about Buttons?"
"This isn't Cinderella Mum."


It's also funny to get older generations playing games consoles. Sometimes it's the most frustrating but hilarious experience type thing ever - how they would walk everywhere playing Mario. And you couldn't stand to see Mario walking so you'd be shouting "hold down B - make him run!!!! Hold down B!!! Make him run!!!" and they'd say "Why?" and stop playing to look down at the controller to see where the 'B' button is. Then tap it once, go back to playing and say "He's not moving any faster and I've pressed the button you said". Then you'd just give up trying to help and frustratedly watch them kill Mario every time - almost as if on purpose, within 12 seconds of starting level 1.

So modern games like GTA are nightmare:
"It's going to explode. Press triangle quick to get out."
"I'm pressing it!"
"No! Just press it once. Press it once"
[*boom* Car explodes.]
"Is that it? He's dead now is he. Oh dear, well I don't think much of that for...what was it - £30 or something ridiculous that you paid for it?"
"Yes Mum."

[Neville Chamberlain]

I've just remembered one. Whenever my nana watches something about Iraq on the news, she says "Have they got that Saddam al bin Laden yet?"

Hehehe, I like that one!

Old people are bloody stupid, aren't they! Unfortunately my nan can't say any stupid things any more because she's dead.

[Sheldon Finklestein]

"Even in my day, you knew you couldn't trust an Arab... Riding around the desert... On their horses."

To this day, no idea what she meant by that. Even in her day, that fabled time of racial equality, they knew that trusting an Arab was a mistake. So, yes, depressing, but amused me somewhat. As did her claim that there was less murder in her day. Having grown up during WW2.

[All Surrogate]

... Quarantino ...

That is sublime, just utterly beautiful.

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

^ I agree. I remember drunkenly groping for his name once, and coming up with 'Quarantine Taranto' and 'Quincy Concertina' (?). Nowt that good though.

Anyway. Stupid old bastards. My grandma (she's 92, you know) refers to the pudding 'lemon moran pie.' She talks about my chosen profession as 'artytett.' And she has been known to offer people 'a packet of Chris.'

But my mum's much worse (she's 50, you know). To her, Shania Twain becomes Sinead O'Shane. Frankie Detorri's and Frances de la Tour's names are apparently interchangeable. Lib Dem MP Lembit Opik becomes 'Limpett Snimpett.' Celine Dion is rendered as 'Sealion Dying' (that one may actually be deliberate).  And she refers to her favourite song, Radiohead's High and Dry, as 'My Eyes' (possibly because she believes that's how the lyrics go). She'll sometimes call Radiohead 'My Eyes' as well.

Plus she devised the useful idiom, 'that's the popcorn in the kettle black.'

Stupid old bastards!

_{^{But don't get me wrong, I do love them and stuff.}}

[All Surrogate]

Celine Dion is rendered as 'Sealion Dying'

Hehe.

She'll sometimes call Radiohead 'My Eyes' as well.

A profound musical connection perhaps: "They're my eyes".

[El Unicornio, mang]

I had a senile old geography teacher who called centimetres "centipedes"

And my Nana, when talking about family members trying to get money from a relative who had died, said "They're like a pack of vouchers!"

[MissInformed]

My Mum, earlier today, describing my brother's new PC - "No, no we've just got the plain internet on it, we haven't got the chat rooms or anything, y'know, like that."

I didn't have the heart to tell her.

[buntyman]

Small update:-
Dinner time today: "anything for pudding mum?"
"yes I got some of that posh ice cream"
"oh yeah, what flavour?"
"hang on (rummaging  in the freezer), oh here it is, (reading off a Ben and Jerry's carton) Pish Food"

I thought it was actually very nice.

[levitica]

My Nanna on various topics:

(Many subsidiary questions must usually be asked to work out what she's on about.  Actually...  I'm going to put the actual topics of conversation in spoiler tags.  Oh yeah.)

"Is it tonight when they come with the turnips?"

Spoiler alert

Halloween

[close]

"I like him.  And I like that other one as well.  He's going to be on, with him.  Two of them on together!  That'll be good."

Spoiler alert

Julian Clary appearing on the Paul O Grady show.

[close]

She has also failed to move away from the word "darkie", and frequently talks about how she wants to adopt "one of them little darkie boys with flies on him".

[Small Man Big Horse]

My grandparents are all dead now too, but whilst my grandma was slowly, agonisingly dying of cancer, whilst suffering from Alzheimer's too, she did say some mornings "Oh God, I'm still here, I can't face another day" before bursting in to hysterics. Then half an hour later after some pain meds and breakfast she was fine, and half the time forgot she was dying as well!

[buttgammon]

"I like him.  And I like that other one as well.  He's going to be on, with him.  Two of them on together!  That'll be good."

Spoiler alert

Julian Clary appearing on the Paul O Grady show.

[close]

My Nana likes those two as well. I've no idea why.

I was at my Nana's house tonight and I got 'treated' to some racism. There was an item on the TV news about a British woman who got murdered in Japan which included a pciture of the main suspect who has gone missing and said they were appealing for anyone who knew the man to come forward on the Japanese version of Crimewatch. My Nana said "I doubt they'll ever get him. How can they know? All of the Japs look the same."

[sick as a pike]

On the subject of cheerful octogenarian racism- my Nan wistfully remarking on black people "Ooh they're alright when they're babies, aren't they?
And, on my early ambitions to get into the world of TV: "you'll never get in there.  Want to know why?!  Wrong shaped nose."

[Make me smile]

edit: learn to read

[squinky]

And, on my early ambitions to get into the world of TV: "you'll never get in there.  Want to know why?!  Wrong shaped nose."

This makes me happier than I can articulate. There's something about women crushing their grandchildren's dreams by pointing out their hideousness that makes me feel all warm and tingly.