Best Man's Speech

[monkey]

Next month I am going to be the best man at a wedding of a good friend Naturally, I was thrilled to be asked, but am currently finding it very difficult to find inspiration for my speech, especially trying to make it "amusing". It's going to be a big family and friends affair, so I'm not too sure that endless jokes about stag do shannanigans would go down to well, but at the same time I don't want it to be boring, as there will be many people there who have known the groom for some time.
So - my questions are - has anyone else had this "honour" and how did they find it? Has anyone got any good lines, jokes etc for starting it off or just any tips for writing a good speech and making sure it all goes well on the big day. Thanks!

[greencalx]

I was a best man at a friend's wedding last autumn and the basic problem I had to begin with was that nearly all the good stories I could think of involved either borderline criminal activity (dodgy ground as he's now a practising lawyer) or ex-girlfriends (a complete no-go area in a best man's speech so don't even think of going there).

Eventually, I thought of four or five anecdotes, dressed it up as as "five things the bride and her family should know about the groom (if they don't already)", and despite the fact I thought the anecdotes not particularly exhilerating, nor do I have the world's best comic timing, it went down a storm.  Basically, two facts help you on your way: (i) people will had something to drink before it's your turn; and (ii) everyone wants things to go well.  (At most weddings I've been to at least; a Methodist wedding between families who don't talk to each other, and to which the bride and groom's exes have all been invited might be a different matter).  With borderline material, you're probably better off hinting at it rather than stating it explicitly.  And if you're really worried, why not check with the groom first?.  And if you make some observation that the bride has transformed the groom into a decent person, that normally goes down well too.

[Utter Shit]

I gave a line (which I think, in fact, I might have first read on here) to a mate when he was best man at his dad's wedding. He stood up, and opened with "I wasn't really sure what to say today, so I prepared a few lines...". He then, less subtly than he could have done, pretended to wipe his nose, before continuing, "Now I don't really care what I say".

It was hugely appreciated by his dad, me and his little brother. Everyone else was in either the "didn't get it" or "didn't think it was appropriate" camp.

[rudi]

There are plenty of books on the subject - visit your local library.

Go for the slim ones, tart up the material and Bob's your uncle.

I've written the best man speech for two friends so far - I barely knew the groom for one of them - and they went OK.

[ziggy starbucks]

My last best man's speech was a disaster. I made a few mild jokes about the bride and the groom beat the crap out of me infront of everyone.

that's right, I was waspy's best man.

ahhhhhhhhhhh

[John Self]

My last best man's speech was a disaster too. I'd prepared a few fairly racy jokes about the bride, but she didn't actually turn up, and so the groom went home, jilted and alone, and wanked himself autistic.

that's right, I was ziggy's best man.

ahhhhhhhhhhh

[Catalogue Trousers]

A couple of years ago, a friend of mine got married, and hit upon the strange idea of having a sort-of round robin Best Man's speech, delivered as three or so short separate speeches, one of which was mine. The only provisos that he gave was that there should be nothing blue, like (children present) and nothing potentially offensive.

As a result, I drafted up a piece which largely revolved around incomprehensible-to-all-but-ourselves-and-maybe-ten-other-people anecdotes, and topped it off with a reference to Gilliam's Baron Munchausen (the "everyone who had a talent for it" line), and ploughed into it (making the minimum of eye contact to avoid the stares of blank incomprehension).

Suffice to say, he loved it, his bride seemed to like it, those ten or so people and ourselves laughed our arses off and everyone else seemed happy to go along with it.

If the audience is a bit tiddly and in a generally happy mood, then you can probably get away with a lot. Just always remember to run your ideas past the groom first, and give him final approval/veto.

I quite enjoyed giving that speech, all in all.

[ziggy starbucks]

My last best man's speech was a disaster too. I'd prepared a few fairly racy jokes about the bride, but she didn't actually turn up, and so the groom went home, jilted and alone, and wanked himself autistic.

that's right, I was ziggy's best man.

ahhhhhhhhhhh

you promised never to tell!

[morgs]

I've done it - and it's very true that people WANT you to do well, so there a few decent anecdotes, some ancient dust-covered jokes ("Man is not complete until he is married - then he's finished" etc) and you will be fine.  Ten minutes or so?  Mine went on for 30, but I'm a teacher and used to doing assemblies (intersteing ones, honest!), plus in my case I had plenty of good stories about the groom.

I've seen 2 minute speeches, others with powerpoint presentations, photocopies of the groom at different ages - particularly good for bad hair/clothing days...

[Rev]

'Who would have guessed that either of you would find someone to love them' isn't a great line to use, if that helps.

[zozman]

"It's been the end of a traumatic week, (Bride's name) was robbed earlier this week, and had her credit crad stolen.  We still haven't reported it, because the thief is spending less than her."

[ziggy starbucks]

I've seen 2 minute speeches, others with powerpoint presentations, photocopies of the groom at different ages - particularly good for bad hair/clothing days...

..............as you can see from Graph C, the upward curve is indicative of an increasing probability of divorce over time. If we factor in the inflationary trends as discussed earlier, the likely cost of this divorce will correspond to Mid-Life Breakdown Scenario 4................

groom: "why don't you get off the stage? You boring twat!"

......may I remind the groom that there will be an opportunity to ask questions at the end of the talk

[Dark Sky]

My best friend got married a few weeks ago.  I wasn't the best man because he's a cunt and he's not even my friend anyway.  But the guy who was the best man was really nervous about making the speech.

The trouble is I don't think he was thinking straight about quite how religious the bride and groom were, and how 90% of the wedding guests were from their church. 

He started the speech off quite well with a few jokes about how nervous he was, which made him quite adorable and everyone laughed at him warmly.

Then he made the joke, "it was very nice of [the groom] to let me be the best man today...and he said that if I did a good job of it, I could be the best man at his next wedding, too!"

There then followed a rather shocked silence and some gasps, and the groom hissed "sit down!" at him. 

Well I laughed.

[Murdo]

I went with the whole 'if I'm the best man. Why the fuck is she marrying him?' bit for awhile then later on 'oh yeah ladies about that best man thing. I'll show you why after we get all this nonsense out of the way'. It helped that I'm your stereotypical intense quiet guy so nobody had a clue what to expect from me and also the red faced obese chap directly in my eye line nearly choked to death he was laughing so much so I knew I was doing ok. Sounds awful and it probably was but I had the room in stitches from the start to the finish (about 5min max). Like people have already said as long as you keep it clean and don't try humiliate the groom too much everyone will be on your side willing you on.

[The Boston Crab]

That's bloody brilliant. I'll keep it in mind.

[Murdo]

Richard Herring did some awful ITV programme where he helped a best man with his material last year I think? Might be worth tracking down.

[the ruffian on the stair]

Here you are. I've saved you the trouble of writing the speech. Just send something through PayPal.

I was with Peter on the night he met Karen. It wasn't love at first sight because he preferred Karen's friend – but I pulled her. Peter tried three or four other girls, but had no luck. I said try going for the fat mate, so Peter, bladdered beyond fuck, makes a play Karen. He has his way with her. Split condom etc etc etc and here we all are watching this poor cunt throw his life away. Thank you. 

SIT DOWN. GET BACK UP AGAIN

Almost forgot. I'd like to thank the Church for providing the emotional blackmail that's made the whole thing possible.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Here you are. I've saved you the trouble of writing the speech. Just send something through PayPal.

I was with Peter on the night he met Karen. It wasn't love at first sight because he preferred Karen's friend – but I pulled her. Peter tried three or four other girls, but had no luck. I said try going for the fat mate, so Peter, bladdered beyond fuck, makes a play Karen. He has his way with her. Split condom etc etc etc and here we all are watching this poor cunt throw his life away. Thank you. 

Ha, bar the split condom bit (they stayed together out of laziness rather than anything else) that literally is the story of how one of my friends ended up with his wife.

[monkey]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. My local library had a shocking array of books on speeches on offer so I have resorted to forking out £10 on http://www.thebestmanspeech.com
It seems pretty good for ideas, especially on how to structure the speech, even if many of its "one-liners" wouldn't really be suitable for the big event.

Just always remember to run your ideas past the groom first, and give him final approval/veto.

Should I give him clues or actually let him hear/read the speech before hand?

[Make me smile]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. My local library had a shocking array of books on speeches on offer so I have resorted to forking out £10 on http://www.thebestmanspeech.com
It seems pretty good for ideas, especially on how to structure the speech, even if many of its "one-liners" wouldn't really be suitable for the big event.

Should I give him clues or actually let him hear/read the speech before hand?

I don't think he needs to hear the whole thing, I'm sure you can work out what bits might be approaching the line!

[dumpster]

Here's a story I will never forget - I found it on a forum and took a copy because it made me laugh.



''Last August one of my mates got married and he chose me to be the best
man. I didn't mind and thought it would be a bit of a laugh. I actually
had known the bride for a lot longer as she used to go out without one of
my mates from school.

Anyway – I wasn't worried about the speech, I'm a funny guy, I wrongly
thought to myself, I'll think of something.

With about two weeks to go to the big day I started to think of what to
write. I'd only known the groom for a couple of years, we had met in
France when we were both racing there.

I tried to think of something amusing that had happened that I could use
as the main points of my speech. I struggled a bit, the groom didn't do
too many crazy things.

Two things stuck in my mind. One day the groom had said to me, out of the
blue, that he would like to see a blonde girl shagged by a horse. The other thing he
said was that he first got an erection while climbing a gym rope at
school.

A blonde shagged by a horse. That's very specific, I thought. It'll be
hilarious to retell that tale.

By the time the wedding neared the story about how he'd like to see a
blonde girl shagged by a horse had become embellished to involve an
elaborate harness that gets strapped under a horse and that a lady gets
into.

Funny eh?

So I wrote out this speech and felt it was lacking something. It needed a
tape recording of the groom and some girl playing around with a horse that
was supposed to have been recorded the night before the wedding. I got my
best mate around the week before and we made a recording on this here
computer.

I few things about the groom. He snored really strangely, like he was
being strangled. He was from Bristol so he talked like a bumpkin and he
worked in a car park.

So this recording we made started of with the sound of him snoring and
saying things in his sleep, things related to horses and parking tickets.
Then you hear a door open and a girls voice asking the groom if she can
get into bed with him. Then you hear them starting to get it on even
though the groom is protesting. You then hear the groom talking about this
harness he had invented and asking the girl if she would like to try it
out. The girl protests but then agrees. You hear a clearly distressed
horse and the girl shouting 'Ahhhh, my poor fanny.'

We made it was proper sound effects from the internet. I still have it on
my computer.

So this recording was put onto a CD and it was to be the finale of my
magnificent speech. All week prior to the wedding my girlfriend was saying
'You can't play that.'
The guy who had helped me write it was to be head usher and he reassured
me. 'Of course you can, I'll laugh anyway'

I was thinking to myself 'How bad could it be?' you know, when you worry
about something it's never as bad as you fear.

The day of the wedding came and we started drinking early in the morning.
The wedding happened and we went to the hotel for the reception. I still
wasn't really nervous.

Going into the meal everybody that was involved in the wedding had to do a
line up and talk to all the guests as the entered the dining room. It was
here I started to get worried. I didn't know anybody, nor did the groom.
It was mainly the brides old relatives from Scotland.

I'd sort of thought that all the guests would be young and friendly.

So we sat down for the meal. I was warned by the brides mum not to say
anything bad. She meant anything bad about the bride and her previous
boyfriend, my other mate. I had nothing written about that so I felt okay.

I was asked by the Maid of Honour to introduce her after my speech as she
would like to say something. 'No problem' I said.

The speech was to take place after the meal but my appetite had vanished
and instead I just drank and became more nervous and drunk. By the time
the meal finished I was very drunk indeed.

All of a sudden I'm being introduced. I got to my feet and I'd forgotten
everything I was going to say. I had to search for the speech in my suit
jacket.

I knew how I wanted the speech to go. I was going to allude to the bit
about the horse but not say it outright. I didn't want to offend anybody.

I was too drunk though.

I think the first thing I said was 'Sam said to me he'd like to see a girl
shagged by a horse.'

*silence*

'It's not supposed to be like this', I was thinking.

'Shut up and sit down.' said the brides mother.

I was backed into a corner and I was getting angry for some reason.

I turned to the groom. 'You fucking did.' I told him.

I then turned to the audience 'He fucking did.' I slurred.

A few more people were telling me to sit down.

'Fuck off' was the only reply I could think of.

I saw my girlfriend stand up and walk out. I slurred some other stuff, god
knows what and eventually played the CD we had made.

There may have been a snigger at the 'Ahh my poor fanny' bit.

I was annoyed. I turned to the Maid of honour and said 'Top that if you
can' and collapsed onto my chair.

The usher who had promised to laugh hadn't.

My girlfriend had walked out of the speech because she was too embarrassed
for me. The photographer, not knowing who she was had said.' I've been
doing weddings for 20 years and that was the worst speech I have ever
heard.'

Later the brides mother had come up to my girlfriend and said 'I'm going
to find out where you are getting married and ruin it.'

I soldiered on through the rest of the day, everybody there did their best
not to make eye contact with me, but it still haunts me.

The brides Scottish granddad took me aside in the evening. I thought he was
going to kill me. 'I really enjoyed your speech' the deaf old goat said.
So, this was a year ago. I haven't spoke to the bride since although me
and the groom are friends again.

The usher, who is my best mate, is getting married in October and asked me
to be the best Man. You should see how nervous his girlfriend is and her
dad has gone on record saying he will kill me if I pull any stunts.''

[alexl]

Great story.