A sketch I sent to Channel4 years ago

[the ruffian on the stair]

I found this old sketch I wrote for a Channel4 sketch show. It was something to do with Comedy Lab, or something like that. Either it wasn't funny or it was too rude! It has got a twist at the end so do read all of it before pronouncing judgment.

PORNOGRAPHY IN THE WORK PLACE

BILL: 50

CLARKIE: 36

ROB: 32 (Must have Beard)

PETE: 36

SKULL: 18



A FEW NON-SPEAKING EXTRAS SITTING AT OTHER TABLES





SITUATION: UNSTAFFED WORKS CANTEEN: THE CANTEEN HAS COOKING



FACILITIES: FRIDGE, KETTLE, TOASTER, TABLES ETC





OPENING SHOT COMPANY'S NOTICE BOARD





                        Harris Logistics


                        DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE

                        IF YOU FEEL YOU'RE BEING

                        BULLIED, TELL SOMEONE.





NEXT SHOT:  BILL, PETE AND SKULL ARE SITTING DOWN TOGETHER AT A TABLE LOOKING AT A HARD CORE MAGAZINE.



ENTER CLARKIE WHO WALKS UP TO THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN.



CLARKIE: (POINTS AT MAGAZINE) She's nice her, ain't she? Lovely tits.  I'd give her a portion.



BILL: A small portion  by what I've heard.



CLARKIE:  (TO BILL) Who told you eh - your old woman?



THEY ALL LAUGH



CLARKIE:  No one gonna make some sandwiches?



SKULL: Make your own. I already made you some yesterday.



ROB COMES THROUGH THE DOOR AND STARTS LOOKING AROUND FOR SOMEWHERE TO SIT



CLARKIE: (NUDGES BILL AND SAYS IN A HUSHED VOICE) You two try 'n' keep a straight face. (INDICATING ROB) I'm gonna wind him right up. Watch.  (CALLING) Here mate, come here.



ROB COMES OVER



CLARKE: Your first day, ain't it?



ROB: Yeah started today.



CLARKIE:  What's your name mate?



ROB: Rob.



CLARKIE: Have you just had your induction?



ROB: Yeah. Health & Safety and all that.



CLARKIE: Did they say anything about the first-day tradition?



ROB: No, what's that?



CLARKIE: There's a tradition here that on your first day you gotta make the sandwiches for everyone.



ROB: For everyone!?



CLARKIE:  (INDICATING ALL AT THE TABLE) No, just the blokes in your department. (PLEASED WITH HIMSELF) So, that's eight rounds of sandwiches if you please. All the stuff's in the fridge.



ROB: (GOOD NATUREDLY) Yeah Okay. Who wants what then?



BILL: I think there's only cheese. I'll have cheese 'n' tomarta mate.


CLARKIE:  What greedy bastard eat all the fucking ham?! In that case I'll have cheese 'n' tamarta.



SKULL: I'll have sausage.



CLARKIE: How come you got sausages?



SKULL: I brought some in from home; me mum cooked them for us. You can have a few if you want.



CLARKIE: (TO ROB) I'll have sausage an'nul then mate. (DOES A CAMP VOICE TO SKULL AND BILL) I likes a long pork sausage, dun I lads?



ROB GOES TO OFF TO THE FRIDGE WHICH IS JUST OUT OF VIEW OF THE TABLE.



CLARKIE: (IN A WHISPER) Told you I'd have him over. I'm gonna wind him up something rotten all day.



PETE COMES THROUGH THE DOOR HAS A QUICK LOOK ROUND. PETE IS ABOUT TO LEAVE WHEN CLARKIE SEES HIM AND CALLS TO HIM.



CLARKIE: Oi, you, where's my video?





PETE:  (HE DOESN'T MOVE FROM THE DOOR. HE DOESN'T WANT TO  GET DRAWN INTO A LONG CONVERSATION) You missing it?



CLARKIE: (FRIENDLY LAUGH) It's good, ain't it? I like the bit where she gets done by the two black guys. I like that bit where she's got one in each end. She's  like a pig on a spit. The only holes they don't fuck are her piercings.



PETE:  (LAUGHS) I bet she didn't cycle home after that.



CLARKIE:  No, and you wouldn't wanna stand behind her when she farted, would you?  You wouldn't know if it was gonna shoot out like a paintball, or else squeeze out like toothpaste.



THEY ALL LAUGH



PETE: I'm looking for someone. I'll catch you in a minute Clarkie... I won't forget your video. I'll bring it in tomorrow.



CLARKIE: You better. (WAVES HIS HAND IN A WAY THAT SUGGESTS MASTURBATING) I ain't broken the other hand in yet.



CUT TO:



ROB'S BIG HAIRY HANDS MAKING THE SANDWICHES. SHOW A LITTLE BIT OF THE PREPARATION. THEN A CLOSE UP OF HIS HANDS HOLDING A SANDWICH AS HE CUTS IT IN HALF.



CUT TO:



THE TABLE.



SKULL: (ATTEMPTS TO SNATCH A MAGAZINE FROM CLARKIE'S HAND) Come on, give us a look at that one.



CLARKIE:  Bollocks! You don't bring none in so you ain't looking at it.



SKULL: I brought the sausages in, didn't I?



CLARKIE: (HANDING SKULL A MAGAZINE FROM THE PILE ON THE TABLE) Have a look at that one.



SKULL: I've read that one.



CLARKIE: (LAUGHS) Read it!



BILL: (TO CLARKIE) Let's have quick shuffdie at it.



CLARKIE: (PASSES MAGAZINE TO BILL) Don't let him (MEANING SKULL) look at it.





ROB WALKS OVER TO THE TABLE WITH THE NEATLY MADE SANDWICHES ON PLATES. HE PUTS THE SANDWICHES ON THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN.



ROB: Here you are.



CLARKIE: Look at that. (INDICATING THE NEATLY MADE SANDWICHES) He'd make a good wife, wouldn't he?



BILL: He's better looking than mine.



SKULL: Pass us that mag Bill.



CLARKIE: You ain't looking, I've told you. (TO ROB) You wanna look at them, mate?  There's some goodens there?



ROB: No, I'm OK.



THEY ALL START TO EAT



CLARKIE: (CHEWING AND TALKING) My neighbour lent me a cracking (d'you get it?) video last night. It's got the best blowjob I've ever seen. It weren't so much a blowjob; it were more like a circumcision the way she was chewing on it.



(LAUGHTER)



CLARKIE (CONT) Any way, best blowjob I've ever seen.



ROB: I had a really good blowjob last night.



CLARKIE: (EXCITED) Come on then Rob; let's hear all the details.



SKULL AND BILL: Yeah come on.



ROB:  You want me to go right in to detail?



CLARKIE: Too right I do!



ROB: Well I went out last night...



CLARKIE (FOLLOWING ALONG EXCITED) Yeah yeah



ROB: ...and I met this young bloke in the pub. He turned out to be a dirty little sod.



STONY SILENCE.



ROB (CONT) He gave me a blowjob in the pub toilet and I came in his mouth after about two minutes. And he gulped down it down like cream.



CLARKIE SKULL AND BILL LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN DISBELIEF



ROB (CONT) Then after the pub we went back to his flat and  we did everything you can imagine. At one point I had three fingers up his arse. (SNIFFS THREE FINGERS) Run out of his flat this morning and I didn't have time to wash. I can still smell him on me.



CLARKIE SPITS OUT HIS SANDWICH AND THROWS THE REMAINING PART OF THE SANDWICH ON HIS PLATE. BILL AND SKULL DO THE SAME.



ROB: (INDICATING THE SANDWICHES) Don't you like them?



CLARKIE: (EXASPERATION) I feel sick I do.



ROB: What's a matter?



CLARKIE: What's a matter! What's a matter! You done, all that, all that sex shit and you ain't even washed your hands! You some sort of sicko you are mate?



SKULL AND BILL LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND  BILL PUTS HIS HAND IN HIS MOUTH IN AN ATTEMPT TO REMOVE PARTS OF HIS SANDWICH.



PETE COMES IN THROUGH THE DOOR AND LOOKS AROUND. HE WALKS TOWARDS THE TABLE.



PETE (TO ROB) I've been looking for you. How's it going?



CLARKIE: D'you fucking know him!



PETE: Course I do.



CLARKIE:  D'you know where he was last night, YOUR mate! D'you know what he's just told us?



PETE:  Yeah he was with me in the pub. (PICKS UP ONE OF THE UNTOUCHED SANDWICHES) You not eating these?



CLARKIE:  I wouldn't eat that Pete if I were you. You ain't heard it all yet. Do you know who your mate slept with when he left you?



PETE: Well, hopefully it was my sister. That's my brother-in-law.



CLARKIE BILL AND SKULL: He's your brother-in-law!



ROB: (TO PETE)  He's the one, is he?  (POINTS TO CLARKIE) I told you if he tried it on with me I'd wind him up something rotten.



PETE: (LAUGHING) You done him up, have you Rob?



ROB:  Like a kipper. They all bite off more than could chew. (SMILES AT PETE AND BITES INTO SANDWICH)





THE END

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Not a bad ending, I liked it. I'm sure the set-up wouldn't take as long to watch as it does to read so that'd probably work out alright. Nice work. I've got several sketches I'm not doing anything with, but obviously deliberating as to whether it's worthwhile putting them on here.

Keep it up whatever you're doing, if it's comedy-natured.

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

Definitely option A.

[Blumf]

It's okay, bit flat but that might just be it on the page.

Who would you (the ruffian on the stair or anyone else), ideally, want cast in the roles? How about Sid James as Clarkie? (a little too blue for him maybe)

[the ruffian on the stair]

It's okay, bit flat but that might just be it on the page.

Who would you (the ruffian on the stair or anyone else), ideally, want cast in the roles? How about Sid James as Clarkie? (a little too blue for him maybe)

Sid would be great but perhaps a little bit too dead perhaps. I'm a big fan of Galton & Simpson so my writing tends to be a little old fashioned in style (I'll have to drop that). When I wrote the sketch I'd just finished reading the Porridge  scripts which, again, probably explains the old fashioned style. 

As for cast I always think in terms of using unknown actors.

[the ruffian on the stair]

Definitely option A.

That's a little too obscure: What's "option A"

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

wasn't funny

That, I think.

Not my view.

[the ruffian on the stair]

Not a bad ending, I liked it. I'm sure the set-up wouldn't take as long to watch as it does to read so that'd probably work out alright. Nice work. I've got several sketches I'm not doing anything with, but obviously deliberating as to whether it's worthwhile putting them on here.

Keep it up whatever you're doing, if it's comedy-natured.

Thanks for your comments. Do post your sketches I'd love to read them.


I gave up writing altogether after having 8 scripts/pieces of writing rejected. I've not got much staying power.

[the ruffian on the stair]

That, I think.

Not my view.

Oh right. Not really an "option". Still an honest opinion and one (even though negative) greatfully received.

[El Unicornio, mang]

I'm not sure about the dialogue. It seems a bit flat. Here's my own personal revision of a bit of it. Not that I'm an expert or anything.

CLARKIE: We have a tradition here

ROB: A tradition?

CLARKIE: Yes. You have to make sandwiches

ROB: For everyone!?

CLARKIE:  (INDICATING ALL AT THE TABLE) Oh no no, just the chaps in your department. (PLEASED WITH HIMSELF) So, eight rounds of sandwiches? Thanks. It's all in the fridge



ROB: (GOOD NATUREDLY) Ummm...OKaay. So who wants what?



BILL: Well...I think there's only cheese. I'll have....cheese 'n' tomarta


CLARKIE:  Who ate all the fucking ham?! In that case I'll have cheese 'n' tamarta as well.


SKULL: I'll have sausage.


CLARKIE: How come you got sausages?



SKULL: I brought some from home; me mum cooked them for us. Help yourself.



CLARKIE: (TO ROB) I'll have sausage an'nul then. (DOES A CAMP VOICE TO SKULL AND BILL) I like a long pork sausage, dun I lads? Don't I?

[the ruffian on the stair]

I'm not sure about the dialogue. It seems a bit forced, and not snappy enough. Here's my own personal revision of a bit of it. Not that I'm an expert or anything.

CLARKIE: We have a tradition here

ROB: A tradition?

CLARKIE: Yes. You have to make sandwiches

ROB: For everyone!?

CLARKIE:  (INDICATING ALL AT THE TABLE) Oh no no, just the chaps in your department. (PLEASED WITH HIMSELF) So, eight rounds of sandwiches? Thanks. It's all in the fridge



ROB: (GOOD NATUREDLY) Ummm...OKaay. So who wants what?



BILL: Well...I think there's only cheese. I'll have....cheese 'n' tomarta


CLARKIE:  Who ate all the fucking ham?! In that case I'll have cheese 'n' tamarta as well.


SKULL: I'll have sausage.


CLARKIE: How come you got sausages?



SKULL: I brought some from home; me mum cooked them for us. Help yourself.



CLARKIE: (TO ROB) I'll have sausage an'nul then. (DOES A CAMP VOICE TO SKULL AND BILL) I like a long pork sausage, dun I lads? Don't I?

Yes I know what you mean by not snappy. I was trying to capture that sort of half-drugged state some really stupid working class people appear to be in. I'll definitely  take on board your advice (well I would if I hadn't given up writing). Thanks your comments and observations have proved to be very informative.

[El Unicornio, mang]

As far as comedy goes, the dialogue itself can be anything, it's the choice of words that make the lines funny. Brand names work better. "Bag of wotsits" is funnier than "bag of crisps". "Shiny new Dyson" is funnier than "brand new vacuum cleaner", "can of fanta" is funnier than "glass of orangeade", etc. "Babybel" would be funnier than "cheese" maybe, although cheese always has pretty good comedy value. And you don't need to overexplain. "More like a circumcision" works better than adding "...the way she was chewing on it".
Don't give up though dude.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I agree with The Unicorn there, some of the 1st half just seems like the train going along the tracks to the destination, so to speak, which is fine, but it's better when you put something scenic to enjoy along the way. Whether the Porridge-esque dialogue would work as a stand-alone sketch today would be a worry but probably not if you got the right people to perform it.

[rudi]

I was trying to capture that sort of half-drugged state some really stupid working class people appear to be in.

Is it only me that finds that a bit offensive?

Or am I just half-drugged?

[the ruffian on the stair]

Is it only me that finds that a bit offensive?

Or am I just half-drugged?

I'm working class and stupid myself so I have this idea that I can joke without causing much offense in the same way some black people refer to each other as "n**ger" without being branded racist. Perhaps it's wrong to consider myself immune :-)   

[Capt.Midnight]

Shit Sandwich.

[Fielding]

A sketch what I done for channel 4:

Spoiler alert

A drawing sketch not a sketch sketch...

It's a bit of fun.

[close]

[depressed beyond tablets]

Well written but not really har har funny.

More Aesop meets Harmony Korine.

[the ruffian on the stair]

Here's another one I wrote ages ago. The Changing Rooms stuff is totally crap (shows you how old it is). I wrote it in response to the idea that anyone could be famous.

By the way, these files probably aren't the finished versions. I lost those!

AREN'T YOU FAMOUS?

PRESENTER: (CAN BE MALE OR FEMALE)
STEPHEN MOWER: LOCAL THUG. HE'S NOT STUPID


INT: TELEVISION STUDIO:

EARLY EVENING CHAT SHOW (BIT LIKE RICHARD & JUDY)


PRESENTER: Big Brother, Pop Stars, and Wife Swap have all helped to turn ordinary people into celebrities. And now, unbelievably, the local courts have done the same. Can "anyone" have celebrity now?

CUT TO: 

EXT:  A FETE FOR THE OPENING OF THE NEW WING OF A LOCAL HOSPITAL – TIME: DAY

(THIS WILL BE A FILM CLIP)

A SMALL GROUP OF PEOPLE ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF A SMALL STAGE. THEY CLAP AND CHEER AS STEPHEN WALKS UP TO THE MICROPHONE

STEPHEN: Thank you all for asking me here to open this new hospital wing. (PAUSE) (MAKES JOKE) I, er, I er, I intend to put a few people in here, real soooon. (PUNCHING MOVEMENTS TO ILLUSTRATE HIS LITTLE JOKE)

(LAUGHTER FROM STEPHEN AND FROM THE CROWD)

(END OF FILM CLIP)

CUT TO:

TELEVISION STUDIO

PRESENTER: That was local hard case Stephen Mower opening a new wing of his local hospital. But is Stephen Mower really famous, or just "infamous"? (TO STEPHEN) Stephen, do you think you're really the sort of person who should be opening a hospital? Aren't you just a thug?

STEPHEN: No. I'm just another Tony Martin, that's all.

PRESENTER: Stephen you're a convicted burglar!

STEPHEN: That's one way of looking at it.

PRESENTER: 'One way of looking at it'! It's not just burglary, is it? You've numerous convictions for violence; you've numerous convictions for theft; five convictions for fraud.  How can you possibly compare yourself to Tony Martin?

STEPHEN: All I'm doing is protecting myself. I do what I do to get by. I look after number one. It's the law of the jungle. I'm just out here fighting for myself like we all are.

PRESENTER: But you're not protecting yourself, are you Stephen? You're hurting other people, for your own gains.

STEPHEN: That's the way I chose to live my life. Give me what I want and you won't get hurt, that's my philosophy. 

PRESENTER:  I find that explanation deeply disturbing. But what I find even more alarming – what I find totally abhorrent – is this "fame" this "celebrity status" you've supposedly achieved.

STEPHEN: I don't do what I do for fame. I do it for a living. If you're a burglar, fame's the last thing you want.

PRESENTER: So, there's a negative side to your fame?

STEPHEN: All it takes is for the householder to get one look at me, and that's it. They know who's done it straight off. 'It's was that bloke who nicked Handy Andy's tools on Celebrity Changing Rooms'. 

PRESENTER:  Let's pick up on that. You're a criminal; someone known for violence, and yet, and yet, you've appeared on Celebrity Changing Rooms. Do you think that's right? Can you understand why some people might be offended by what looks like the media rewarding someone for committing criminal acts?

STEPHEN: If I killed someone, no, even better, say I killed twenty people, I bet that when I came out of prison – and I'd be an old man by then – the papers would be queuing up to buy my story. But what's the good of the money when I'm old?  If I can make money selling my celebrity now, then I'll do it now. Have the money now while you can  enjoy it, that's what I say. 

PRESENTER: Do you think what you're doing undermines the police?

STEPHEN: A couldn't give a toss whether it does or not.

PRESENTER: Many people would say you're glamorising violence. Do you have any thoughts on that?

STEPHEN:  (THOUGHTFULLY) Do I glamorise violence?  Let me put it his way: does the BBC glamorise prostitution?

PRESENTER: Not to my knowledge it doesn't.

STEPHEN: No? Well off the top of my head I can count seven EastEnders who've been on the game.   Pat Wicks. Donna (that's Kathy Beale's illegitimate daughter). Sam. Janine. Tiffany. Kelly. Sasha (That's the nice looking one who was in Family Affairs). Why didn't these women get jobs in Tesco, because that's real life. And real life ain't sensational enough for the telly.

PRESENTER:  Stephen when did your rise to fame begin?

STEPHEN: I'd already been in the local paper several times. You know, silly stuff: wounding with intent, housebreaking, receiving, bit of drug dealing. But it wasn't until I'd robbed the local police station that I became a sort of overnight celebrity.

PRESENTER: What happened?

STEPHEN: I got a job as a cleaner in a police station.

PRESENTER: A job? So you'd contemplated going straight?

STEPHEN: Have a word! No, a bloke I know runs a cleaning business. He's got cleaning contracts at a few police stations. The Old Bill had just done a big drugs bust and the stuff was being kept at one of the stations he cleans. I took over the usual cleaner's shift that night and I managed to get away with two bin liners of Northern Light. Which is grass.

PRESENTER: (MAKING LIGHT) You showed audacious audacity!

STEPHEN:  (JOKING) I don't know him. He sounds Irish.   

PRESENTER: How long was it before you were caught?

STEPHEN: It took them three days to catch me. The Old Bill thought one of them had taken the bags of grass. All the Old Bill cars got searched. I heard from my mate who does the cleaning that there'd even been a few fights and that one plod had his arm broken by a detective. By the time the Bottle Stoppers had stopped searching each other I'd sold most of it.

PRESENTER: What happen during your trial? How did you gain the popularity you have now?

STEPHEN: By the time my case came to court I'd become something of a hero to the Legalise Cannabis groups. Little groups of them from all over the country came down to support me. And because two weeks before I'd punched a BMP canvasser – he'd taken my parking space, which I found hypocritical considering his politics – the Socialist Workers came down and gave me support too. And as there's not much to do in the town about ninety local people turned up just to have a nose.

PRESENTER:  Were all the people there supportive?

STEPHEN: Yeah, they were. Most people were friendly. People came up to me and shook my hand. A few people said they'd followed my career in the local paper. Someone came up to me and said I'd glassed I bloke he hated, so I was all right by him. Another came up and shook my hand and said I'd burgled his ex-girlfriend's parents' house and he'd like to buy me a drink.

PRESENTER: In an interview in The Guardian recently you are quoted as expressing feelings of remorse—


STEPHEN: (INTERRUPTING) I was taken out of context.  I don't give a gnat's bollock about ruining their wedding. I shook hands with them because that's what the journalist wanted. I robbed their house the same as I've robbed others: I do it when the opportunity's there. I don't knock on the door first and ask them whether it's convenient or whether they'll find it distressing.

PRESENTER: So you feel no remorse? 

STEPHEN: What I said in The Guardian was this: 'It was a shame it happened on their wedding day; but, unfortunately, in the business I'm in, weddings are an absolute Godsend.'

PRESENTER: Why's that?

STEPHEN: Obvious, isn't? It's less likely there'll be anyone in the house. Seven times out of ten times there are presents in the house. They'll definitely be booze – No, I don't regret it.

PRESENTER: So you'd do it gain?

STEPHEN I've done it several times since then. I'm sorry but weddings are a fantastic opportunity. All you have to do is go through the local papers looking for targets. It's that simple. It's perfect really because the wedding pages give you the time and date when the family's out the house. I've had some of the happiest days of my life ever since I started it up.

PRESENTER:  That's all we have time for I'm afraid. Thank you for your time Stephen. (MAKES JOKES) Unfortunately because of your profession Stephen  I can't wish you luck. Goodbye.

THE END

[gigolo aunts aren't gentlemen]

I like that, reminds me of the gangster on Down the Line.  I imagine Fry & Laurie performing every two-hander sketch I read, does anyone else do this?

[Sheldon Finklestein]

Fry and Laurie certainly perform every two hander I write (alas, figuratively). I think they just got the dynamic perfectly. Also, those bastards have stolen into my reading of Wodehouse - I can only hear them as Jeeves and Wooster. I would also like to say, I respect the people who have posted their sketches on here - that takes guts and I hope that sort of thing will continue.

[the ruffian on the stair]

Thanks. This is an old uncorrected version. I can tell because it still says "BMP" instead of BNP. I know I corrected that mistake in the finished version.


Funny enough I hear Fry's voice in my head whenever I write teachers and posh people.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

STEPHEN: Thank you all for asking me here to open this new hospital wing. (PAUSE) (MAKES JOKE) I, er, I er, I intend to put a few people in here, real soooon. (PUNCHING MOVEMENTS TO ILLUSTRATE HIS LITTLE JOKE)

Just finished reading through carefully (I skim-read it earlier), that bit above just reminds me really strongly of the Armando Iannucci Shows which is a very good thing. I also liked a lot of the little bits here and there, like 'audacious audacity'. It really is actually quite good throughout.

PRESENTER: In an interview in The Guardian recently you are quoted as expressing feelings of remorse—


STEPHEN: (INTERRUPTING) I was taken out of context

...and that just capped it off nicely.

[Fry]

 I really liked both of those, very funny.

I think maybe the second sketch could do with a bigger punchline or twist. That would be a nice finish.

[Goldentony]

Are we all encouraged to do this now?

Fuck it, here's one i did -

Ste
Ahh there is nothing like a fine Cuban cigar.....except TWO Cuban cigars, ahahahaha!!

[Ste lights up two cigars]

[Enter Waiter]

Waiter
Steve, there's a problem

Ste
We can solve that with THREE Cuban cigars, ahahahaha!!

Waiter
No, you don't understand, the health inspectors are here

[Ste lights up a third cigar]

Ste
Ahahahahaa....WHAT?!?!

Waiter
Health inspectors

Ste
Oh god damn, quick, er, make the place look clean, spray the plastic flowers with this deodorant and whatnot

Waiter
We're out of whatnot, Captain

Ste
THIS IS NO TIME FOR FUN AND GAMES GOD DAMIT

Waiter
That wont ward them away from the kitchen forever, it's full of all sorts of rancid mess we've been trying to get you to shift for ages

Ste
Well I am a very busy MAN, busy PAYING you WAGES and NOT punching you, look, put the flags up outside, raise them at half mast so it looks like we've been far too grief stricken to clean anything

Waiter
We have flags?!?1

[cut to a shot of the two of them outside]

Ste
Where in the name of the number SEVENTY FOUR are my flags?!?1

Waiter
I'm being totally honest when I say we have never had flags or masts

Ste
Shut up, if we play this off well enough we can get free ones

Waiter
No, please no more insurance scams

Ste
No more? It's never happened before!!

Waiter
What about that time you wrote 'BURN THE WITCH' on the café walls in pigs blood

Ste
Ok ok god SHUT UP

[two health inspectors walk into shot]

Health inspector #1
Hello there, is this....Captain Steve's fancy ship of sandwiches and various cold cuts of meat

Ste
No, no it isn't

Health Inspector #2
But it says quite clearly on that sign

Ste
Yes well, that's next doors sign

Health Inspector #1
Then why are you dressed in a captain's uniform?

Ste
I'm required by law to wear it

Health Inspector #1
What.....law is that?

Ste
Section 0u182...thou shalt not......not....wear captains unfiroms in....the presence of.....nuclear....dis....placment

Health Inspector #1
I'm not sure I understand

Ste
Well do you see any nuclear displacement going on

Health Inspector #2
Well no I'm not even sure what it is....or if it exists

Ste
Then my job here is done

[ste clicks fingers and a segway rolls into shot]

Ste
Good luck fellas!!

[jungle music plays and fades out as the segway goes out of shot]

Health inspector #1
This is the restraunt isn't it

Waiter
Yes, yes it is, come right this way

[All walk into the resteraunt]

[LeboviciAB84]

Either the intrinsic humour of unpunctuated sentences has seeped in, or it's genuinely brilliant.