Would it be the worst idea ever to do a fake "Dating Profile" Thread?

[ziggy starbucks]

I know that this is a not very serious thread but I'm really looking for love. To be specific, I'm looking for a girl who will straddle my face, have my tongue inside her, whilst she enjoys a glass of wine and some chocolates.

we'll go dutch on the wine and choccies.

[DocDaneeka]

Haha, this bloke describes himself as a "handsome young professional guy".

Looks to me more like someone who'd be appearing in newspapers with the caption "LONER: Neighbours said he rarely spoke.".

Seems alright looking to me, not that I as a heterosexual male I can tell if a man is handsome or not.

[Hank_Kingsley]

Yes he seemed perfectly pleasant on first inspection too, but then I noticed he was an ITALIAN and therefore highly untrustworthy.

[SOTS]

I might try and find some better examples of guys that could be described on the news as an evil "LONER" There's a thread idea. Though I won't be starting another this weekend, i've embarrassed myself enough already.

[Fry]

This brings me back to my days of youth, when gays and lesbians were the funniest thing on the planet. Oh how me and my friends would while away the hours creating sleazy dating profiles for imaginary 56 year old gay men.

[MissInformed]

Yes yes, blame me, I don't care! Pah, Cilla Black never had to put up with this. She wasn't called to account when matchmaking went wrong, did she?

If the lovely Emma and her choice, the gorgeous number two didn't see eye to eye, they tended to take it out on each other. I don't recall them turning to Cilla and saying "well, cheers for the day and a half in Disneyland, but the shagging was shit so we're now going to kick you to death live on national TV".*

Kids today, I don't know!

*^{_{Saturday evening viewing figures would have rocketed for ITV though. Seriously. The BBC might never have had to start nurdering Joe Public via Noel Edmonds if Cila had taken a pulping occasionally.}}

[buttgammon]

I did go on Blind Date once, aged 7. It didn't really work out. She as beautiful, twice my height and I now know she was a staple of some of the classier porno films from the mid to late nineties. I was short, blonde and still had a 'Thomas the Tank Engine' bed. It didn't work out during our week in Mauritius and I just laughed when she took her clothes off to come to bed.

[El Unicornio, mang]

I might try and find some better examples of guys that could be described on the news as an evil "LONER" There's a thread idea. Though I won't be starting another this weekend, i've embarrassed myself enough already.

http://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=14414.0

[Mr. Analytical]

Hmmm. You don't know much about women do you? There is no such thing as "too much fun"!

  Are you implying that you put out for a glass of wine and some chocolate?

  Dear God woman... have a little pride in yourself.  At least hold out for dinner.

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

So do you suggest a takeaway pizza or kebab if you want to get your chops around their naughty bits, Mr. A?

[SetToStun]

So do you suggest a takeaway pizza or kebab if you want to get your chops around their naughty bits, Mr. A?

Personally I'd have a kebab with extra chilli sauce before giving her the most memorable oral "pleasure" she'll ever have had.

[Dark Sky]

That wasn't the aim of the thread, no. But people sometimes go against the rules so who bloody knows. Surely the difference between the number of men and number of women prevents that actually happening?

HOMOPHOBE!

[SOTS]

I was only aware of one gay on this board and that is the Lookalike Mark Chapman.

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

Nah, Dark Sky is too. And The Duck Man, but he's not told his mum yet. And emo_bliss. And they're just the ones I've slept with! I'm sure there are plenty of others...there's certainly others who aren't fussy either way.

I love that some people on here refer to me as "the" Lookalike Mark Chapman, not just 'Lookalike Mark Chapman'. I actually love it.

P.S. I am categorically not keeping a database of Verbwhore sexualities, and any suggestion that I am is a deliberate distortion of the truth.

[Eight Taiwanese Teenagers]

So where are you meant to go on a first date with someone from a dating website?

[buttgammon]

The Swedish equivalent of Madame Tussauds in Stockholm. Or a medieval torture chamber secretly located beneath a prison in Ruthin, Wales.

[MissInformed]

  Are you implying that you put out for a glass of wine and some chocolate?

  Dear God woman... have a little pride in yourself.  At least hold out for dinner.

No, I was merely saying that most women like being given chocolates and wine and oral sex, though not necessarily at the same time nor in that order.

Neither was I suggesting that my sexual putting-outedness was dependant on consumable gifts. I think the word you're skirting around here is prostitute and the word I'm skirting around is wanker. :-)

Table for two? :-)

[Small Man Big Horse]

So where are you meant to go on a first date with someone from a dating website?

I've gone for the rather tedious pub beginning, and if things are going well I suggest we go somewhere else for food. Normally a chinese, so that I don't get that bloated post meal feeling, just in case she does put out.

I think this quite satisfactorily explains why I've not got past the first date recently.

[Lady Beaner]

Oooh so did they look anything like their pics, SMBH? Come on, spill all!

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

Yeah, you'd know about spilling all wouldn't you Lady B. Spilling all the water in the glass that is!

[Famous Mortimer]

I've spent about ten minutes laughing at the bloke with the straddling, tongue, wine and chocolates. I know I'm single, but I'm still able to feel superior to some people.

There was that woman who sold her ass on some dating site for imaginary gold in World of Warcraft, but that's just a funny story and not really relevant to this thread.