Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith...

[TC Raymond]

Keith Moon
Keith Chegwin
Keith Floyd
Keith Richards
Keith Allen
Keith Harris

...What is it with the name 'Keith' that inspires alcoholic excess?

Maybe I should change my name to Keith Raymond by way of justifying a slow descent into alcoholism. Anything to blank out the silence in my life.

On the other hand, maybe I'll get the urge to lob my knackers out on a shit Channel 5 game show, so I'd better lay off the Harvey's Bristol Cream.

And why is it called 'Bristol Cream'? Is there cream in it? (Cue cheap joke about me wanting to 'cream' over...you know who)

[Hank_Kingsley]

Kiefer Sutherland had a drink & coke problem. I like the name Keith. You can say 'Good grief, Keith's got good teeth!'. It's nice.

[buttgammon]

I know a bloke called Keith and he does drink. He's known for being one of the heaviest drinkers in the Royal Navy which is saying something. Maybe it's true that chaps called Keith like their drink a bit too much.

[TC Raymond]

The caretaker at my lower school, Keith Whiting, always called me Keith, whenever he saw me. He was a jolly sort, not the bitter, child-hating misfit most jannies are, but he just insisted on calling me Keith. When I finally told him after four years that my name wasn't Keith, he innocently asked "Oh, did you change it?"

[John Self]

Keith Talent- fond of a sharpening vodka first thing in the morning.

I like the name Keith. You can say 'Good grief, Keith's got good teeth!'. It's nice.

I wasn't going to, but I did. You're right.

[mister_enmity]

I know this guy called Keith Abdullah. I don't suspect he drinks.

Spoiler alert

He doesn't exist. Or at least I don't think he does.

[close]

[lactating man nips]

Miles O'keef looks pretty healthy.

[gigolo aunts aren't gentlemen]

I thought this was going to be about Nuts in May. It isn't. So there you go.

[buntyman]

I'll add Keith Flint to the list. I'm a Keith and the evidence submitted is heavily stacked against me living a normal healthy existence. I think most names that can't be shortened to a pally 3-4 letter 1 syllable name is shit and Keith has a particularly weak ring to it. The best I can hope for is being addressed "Keethay" in a squeaky Australian accent like the bloke in the film Chopper but that almost never happens. In fact the thought of my name depresses me to the point that i'm going to go out and get pissed and maybe run over my chauffeur.

[Small Man Big Horse]

I've never met a Keith, and that's a fact. A dull one, sure, but a fact nonetheless.

I always used to think that all Wayne's were twats, due to being bullied by one at school, and then finding that each new Wayne I met was a bit of an idiot, but I met a nice Wayne last year so that's that theory ruined.

[buntyman]

In that case, nice to meet you, you big, greasy, fat, speccy twat.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Hello!

That's a worryingly accurate description actually, have we met before and I've somehow forgotten?

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

I, too, have never knowingly met a Keith in the wild. But I think being called Keith would be enough to turn me to alcoholism. I'm sorry if you're a Keith - very sorry - but just look at the evidence. That's six whole names. Read it and drink, Keives.

I find people called Michael are usually more-or-less wholly worthless human beings, and I include my dad in that.

Has anyone said Penelope Keith yet? Can I?

[Jemble Fred]

I used to have a boss called Keith Ralph. He was the biggest twat.*

And he used to edit Whizzer & Chips.

*Actually, this was a lame excuse to quote Iannucci. He was probably quite nice if he wasn't your boss, but he was still a wet tosser – imagine George from Men Behaving Badly, but with less of a backbone.

[ziggy starbucks]

I find people called Michael are usually more-or-less wholly worthless human beings, and I include my dad in that.

this is outrageous

I have never been so insulted.

Neil, ban this man!

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

this is outrageous

I have never been so insulted.

Why? You're not my dad, and your name's not Michael, it's Ziggy. All the Ziggies I've met have been wonderful, attractive, talented, reasonable people - and very good in bed.

[Jemble Fred]

Oh I dunno – the one from Grange Hill turned out to be a druggie in Brookside, didn't he?

[buntyman]

There really is something in this. http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/recovering%20alcoholic%20urban%20offered%20wine%20on%20flight_1031668
I think I might register with Alcoholics Anonymous while I still have the will-power and am not yet a big drinker.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Yeah, you say that but four bottles of wine every night really is a bit excessive Keith.

[katzenjammer]

I can settle this one, next time I have a kid I'll call it Keith, keep a close eye on it and see if it hits the bottle then report back.

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

No, you have to have twins and call them Keith and Ken. Ken's the control. Mind you, Ken's not that great a name - could turn him to drink, too. You're a terrible parent.

[ziggy starbucks]

Why? You're not my dad, and your name's not Michael, it's Ziggy. All the Ziggies I've met have been wonderful, attractive, talented, reasonable people - and very good in bed.

some of my best friends are called michael

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

some of my best friends are called michael

Yeah, and so are mine - that's the fucking problem. Twats. One of then phoned me tonight, in fact, to organise one of his interminable get-togethers. I wish I could say 'goodbye' to this particular fuckhead, but he's got my home number. And I'm British. I can't do it. He gets me on the phone and I'm like putty in his ears. There's only so many excuses I can make - I mean, he knows my mum's not dead, because he's met her.

I mean, at least if he was called Keith we could go out to the pub or something.

[the ruffian on the stair]

Absolutely true this, may God strike me down, my middle name is Keith. But I don't drink! Not a drop of alcohol. Hate it.

[Small Man Big Horse]

That's because your first name's not Keith.

[The Duck Man]

I find people called Michael are usually more-or-less wholly worthless human beings, and I include my dad in that.

I give you Michael Palin and Michael Holding in response - the two most likeable people on the planet. I think there are worse names, Mr Chapman. I know people called Richard whose brains dribble from their ears.

In other news: I know a Michael Keith. According to this thread he is cursed.

[CaledonianGonzo]

I know people called Richard whose brains dribble from their ears.

In other news: I know a Michael Keith. According to this thread he is cursed.

As is Keith Richards.

Perhaps goes some way to explaining why, when inebriated, he tried to climb a coconut tree and ended up with his brain literally dribbling out of his ears.

[the ruffian on the stair]

That's because your first name's not Keith.

It's frightening to think how close I came to being an alcoholic.

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

I give you Michael Palin and Michael Holding in response - the two most likeable people on the planet. I think there are worse names, Mr Chapman. I know people called Richard whose brains dribble from their ears.

I've never met Michael Palin, have I? Stop saying 'oh someone with the same first name as me is nice, which therefore justifies my pointless and petty existence.' It's all you ever say, all day long. If you must know, Mike, I wasn't really basing my Michael hatred on you per se, more a couple of cunts from school and, as I said, my dad. I've not met you either - you could turn out, against the odds, to be a lovely chap. I just think that it's extremely unlikely.

Richard's a fucking great name, now that you inexplicably mention it. Intersting fact: Michael Palin's real name is Richard Palin.

[Doctor Stamen]

I was very nearly named Keith, its a name that belongs in the 1970s along with bad wallpaper, hideously ugly cars and TVs that are covered with wood panelling.

If I had been cursed with that godawful name, at least I could have gone round saying "My friends call me Keith, you can call me John".