The Fight or Fellate Reflex: Great Excuses

[jutl]

^{Here the black man is too far away to trigger the behaviour.}

At about 3.30pm on July 11th this year, Republican Representative Robert 'Bob' Allen of Merritt Island, Florida, was arrested in a public toilet. Officers who were investigating a nearby burglary reported that Allen approached one of them in a toilet cubicle and offered $20 in exchange for the opportunity to perform fellatio. So far so humdrum you may think. 'Married Conservative Man Secretly Craves Cock' is in danger of becoming a truism rather than a headline.* What marks this case out is the simple originality of Allen's excuse. Yesterday Allen explained that he was not soliciting prostitution, he was sucking dick to save his life.

"This was a pretty stocky black guy, and there was nothing but other black guys around in the park," Allen, who is white, told police in a taped statement after his arrest. Allen said he feared he "was about to be a statistic" and would have said anything just to get away.

Naturally the police tell a different story, perhaps as a result of the irritation they must feel at their investigations into real crimes being constantly interrupted by solicitation from gay men (in public toilets):

In a written statement released Thursday, Titusville Officer Danny Kavanaugh recalled entering the restroom twice and said he was drying his hands in a stall when Allen peered over the stall door.

After peering over the stall a second time, Allen pushed open the door and joined Kavanaugh inside, the officer wrote. Allen muttered " 'hi,' " and then said, " 'this is kind of a public place, isn't it,' " the report said.

The officer said he asked Allen about going somewhere else and that the legislator suggested going "across the bridge, it's quieter over there."

"Well look, man, I'm trying to make some money; you think you can hook me up with 20 bucks?" Kavanaugh asked Allen.

The officer said Allen responded, "Sure, I can do that, but this place is too public."

Then Kavanaugh said he told Allen, "I wanna know what I gotta do for 20 bucks before we leave.' " He said Allen replied: "I don't know what you're into."

According to Kavanaugh's statement, the officer said, "do you want just [oral sex]?" and Allen replied, "I was thinking you would want one."

The officer said he then asked Allen, "but you'll still give me the 20 bucks for that . . . and that the legislator said, "yeah, I wouldn't argue with that."

As Allen turned and motioned for the officer to follow him to his car, Kavanaugh identified himself as a police officer by raising his shirt and exposing his badge.

When Allen was being placed in a marked patrol car, he asked whether "it would help" if he was a state legislator, according to a police report. The officer replied, "No."

Imagine the horror: stuck in a public toilet in a public park at about 3pm on a Thursday afternoon - a park filled with black people. Your mind races. Yes, you're in a toilet cubicle on your own and experiencing no direct threat, but soon they will all stagger toward your cubicle like zombies, ready to do no good. What can you do? Think, Allen, Think. What do muggers/black people traditionally want? Money! That's it! You'll pay them off! Hang on a minute though. Some of them might be rapists. Hmm. They'd want some kind of sexual gratification, you imagine. Money might send them into an animalistic rage. So... you're going to have to blow some of them and pay the others off. How to decide which though? They all look the same to me - you can't tell which are the rapists and which are the muggers. Some might be both. Shit. Better be safe - pay them all for permission to suck their dicks. Good work Allen - another crisis averted.

You peek over the toilet wall... oh God. It's a black guy. Oh well, have to start somewhere with this cripplingly expensive mass blowjob situation you've somehow got yourself into...

What other great excuses can you remember? What about that Welsh politician who was mistakenly thought to be trying to bugger an elderly Rastafarian - and then mistakenly thought to be seeking a wank in a layby? What about that fundamentalist preacher who was mistakenly thought to be gay just because he habitually paid for sex with men? What about Kevin Spacey? Share your favourite excuses here.



* It's also worth noting the other cliched news scenario being presented here. In times gone by policemen would lurk in public lavatories in the hope of arresting a homosexual with a taste for semi-public sex accompanied by dripping sounds in a dank atmosphere. Now this practice is seen as entrapment, and is regarded as unethical in most parts of the US and indeed the Western world. Still, the homosexuals seem to crave the rough tug of the collar delivered by a disgusted policeman. Now they swarm over any policeman caught short during some other investigation, busting into the cubicle waving paper money and cooing like doves.

[Kapuscinski]

In 2001, Tony Blair excused John Prescott when he punched countryside protester Craig Evans by saying "John is John", which is a pretty crap excuse.

Didn't Ronald Reagan excuse his funding of the Contras by pretending he had forgotten? I seem to recall he went on television saying "Although my head tells me I didn't fund the Contras, my heart tells me differently."

[George Oscar Bluth II]

Married Lib Dem Mark Oaten's visits to rent boys, occasionally to indulge in coprophilia, were blamed on the stress of going bald.

[session9]

If Capcom get wind of this one, perhaps Resident Evil 5 may be about to head in a new direction.

[daisy11]

Married Lib Dem Mark Oaten's visits to rent boys, occasionally to indulge in coprophilia, were blamed on the stress of going bald.

Yes, that was quite fantastic.  I've lost two eyelashes today, it's bad as they were the outer corner ones that curled up very sweetly, think I might have to shag my mechanic to relieve the distress.

[Still Not George]

Thank you Jutl, I don't think I've laughed so much at anything in *weeks*.

[ziggy starbucks]

Concerned you'll end up in the dock
Because you've sucked a black man's cock?
Well black men are all the same
So be nice and play their game
And a big 8 incher will make you rock

[Mr. Analytical]

Concerned you'll end up in the dock
Because you've sucked a black man's cock?
Well black men are all the same
So be nice and play their game
And a big 8 incher will make you rock

That really is quite poor.  You should be ashamed of yourself.

[P K Duck]

The picture caption is brilliant.

So, yeah, at least he had the decency to make his lie so ridiculous it brings a whole new meaning to the word lie (not like "I dropped my keys on Hampstead Heath").

Police are paid quite well, aren't they? I mean, maybe not enough to risk life and limb, but well enough to pretend to solicit sex in public toilets? What, other than humour value and/or celebrity career boosting is the purpose of these entrapments? Punters of Allen's stature must be fairly few and far between, so what's the point?


Speaking of Hampstead Heath, wasn't Kevin Spacey gay bashed there a while back whilst out looking for his dropped keys? What was his excuse?

[mook]

Married Lib Dem Mark Oaten's visits to rent boys, occasionally to indulge in coprophilia, were blamed on the stress of going bald.

What? Was he hoping that the poo would act like a fertilizer for his bald spot.

[Ciarán]

The policeman made the first move as far as I can tell. Well, ok, Allen did enter his toilet cubicle. But that the police officer then said "man can you hook me up with 20 bucks?" and "I gotta know what I gotta do for 20 bucks before we leave..." it does sound like a trap was being set up. A situation was being created whereby the "crime" could take place and the police officer was party to it.

The police then: about as authoritarian, hypocritical, homophobic and reactionary as yer average Republican politician. Well knock me down with a feather!

[SetToStun]

I'm not so sure about that:

After peering over the stall a second time, Allen pushed open the door and joined Kavanaugh inside, the officer wrote. Allen muttered " 'hi,' " and then said, " 'this is kind of a public place, isn't it,' " the report said.

I have to say that looking over the stall wall/door twice and then entering it does sound like the officer concerned had sufficient probable cause to try to get a collar out of it.

[ziggy starbucks]

That really is quite poor.  You should be ashamed of yourself.

it was satirical, like nathan barely was. I like how bob allen's story is based around the idea that all black men are a sexual danger. Not only is his story ridiculous but dementedly racist. Maybe the story is designed to get sympathy from other racists.



My Analytical, how do you do?
Why are you obsessed with poo?
is it cos of your lovely mother
did she oppress and smother
or have you sniffed too much glue?

[Ciarán]

I'm not so sure about that:

I have to say that looking over the stall wall/door twice and then entering it does sound like the officer concerned had sufficient probable cause to try to get a collar out of it.

Right, but anyone in that situation who didn't like the idea of where Allen was going with this would say "I'm not interested".

I was mistaken for a rent boy once (I've declared the story here before), when this bloke pulled over in his car and asked me if I wanted to get in. I said a stern "no", and he looked embarrassed and drove off. I think that's a fair enough response. But to go along with him, and at the final moment see that he gets arrested, that's just just ridiculous.

What strikes me about the story jutl posts is the homophobia going on in our society. So I don't care that much that a Republican politician "got caught" because what he was attempting to do shouldn't, in my view, be illegal in the first place.

[SetToStun]

because what he was attempting to do shouldn't, in my view, be illegal in the first place.

And there's the (ho ho) rub - what he was doing is illegal where he was doing it. The copper acted quite properly in ascertaining that he was intending to commit a crime and then let him go on to commit it, and subsequently arrested him. Whether the copper agrees with the law or not is irrelevant - he had reasonable cause to believe that Allen was commissioning an act of prostitution and let him go on to incriminate himself. That's not entrapment - entrapment would be him making the first move, which he didn't.

You didn't have the option of arresting the bloke who propositioned you (well, I suppose you sort of did, but it's not your job) so a solid "no" is OK for you, but a copper is not strictly allowed to make that kind of decision.

[Ciarán]

And there's the (ho ho) rub - what he was doing is illegal where he was doing it. The copper acted quite properly in ascertaining that he was intending to commit a crime and then let him go on to commit it, and subsequently arrested him. Whether the copper agrees with the law or not is irrelevant - he had reasonable cause to believe that Allen was commissioning an act of prostitution and let him go on to incriminate himself. That's not entrapment - entrapment would be him making the first move, which he didn't.

You didn't have the option of arresting the bloke who propositioned you (well, I suppose you sort of did, but it's not your job) so a solid "no" is OK for you, but a copper is not strictly allowed to make that kind of decision.

Yes alright, I can't disagree with any of that. But it's not enough to say "it's the law", the law should be subject to questioning and scrutiny. In some parts of the world consensual homosexual sex is illegal, and you could argue that it is only correct that people who indulge in it should be arrested. But there's justice beyond law which calls law into question. I'm questioning the law here, the prohibition of consensual homosexual encounters, the status of the exchange of money between the people involved and so on.  It was the police officer who mentioned money here, I don't think there's anything illegal about a man propositioning another man. It's only when it's deemed "prostitution" that the law can be invoked. In this case, it appears that the actions of the police officer transformed the situation form being a flirtation, a come-on, to being a solicitation in the illegal sense of that word.

And a subtext of the story is that Allen's actions were somehow sordid, that a politician should be above such impulses, that cottaging is a dirty, seedy activity indulged in by sleazy politicans and perverts. It's homophobia.

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

I haven't been cottaging recently but I imagine that it's a fairly seedy way of meeting guys. Surely there are more pleasant places to meet people who you want to suck your willy than in a grimy public toilet. A supermarket car park or remote bus stop maybe. It shouldn't be illegal though.

[SetToStun]

Yes alright, I can't disagree with any of that. But it's not enough to say "it's the law", the law should be subject to questioning and scrutiny. In some parts of the world consensual homosexual sex is illegal, and you could argue that it is only correct that people who indulge in it should be arrested. But there's justice beyond law which calls law into question. I'm questioning the law here, the prohibition of consensual homosexual encounters, the status of the exchange of money between the people involved and so on.  It was the police officer who mentioned money here, I don't think there's anything illegal about a man propositioning another man. It's only when it's deemed "prostitution" that the law can be invoked. In this case, it appears that the actions of the police officer transformed the situation form being a flirtation, a come-on, to being a solicitation in the illegal sense of that word.

And a subtext of the story is that Allen's actions were somehow sordid, that a politician should be above such impulses, that cottaging is a dirty, seedy activity indulged in by sleazy politicans and perverts. It's homophobia.

And you can't negate the law by disliking it. Whether it's fair or not is immaterial to the case at hand. It must be assumed to be well known by a lawmaker that what he was doing was illegal. If he wanted free consensual oral sex he could have gone and met someone at a gay bar or similar, or placed a personal ad or whatever. It's entirely possible that the risk factor is what motivated his behaviour. The crowing over his arrest isn't homophobia in itself, it's just gloating that a Republican (right wing, anti-gay party) has been outed in such spectacular fashion. The fact that as a legislator he is in some small way responsible for the laws he broke still being in force is just grist to the irony mill.

Don't get me wrong, I do have some measure of sympathy for the man - I can't imagine he can be a particularly happy chap if he has to hide his sexuality and bargain for affection in public lavatories (although I accept I could be wrong), but he really is the architect of his own downfall and to blame the copper is a bit off.

And whatever you say about cottaging (or "the tea-room trade" as I believe the Yanks call it) it is essentially sleazy and that may well be part of the attraction. For heaven's sake, there are plenty of gay bars and clubs in the States - why tout for a length in the park bogs?

[uncle_rico]

He looks like an un-muscular Andrew Dice Clay.

[gazzyk1ns]

There was an incident where a stupid racist old tosser of a councillor "around here" (I think it was Bury St Edmunds) went into a library and made a remark like "Oooh look at those darkies" to one of the staff. They reported him and it got into the newspapers. His excuse was that he wasn't being racist at all, he had actually made an innocent comment about one of the new Star Wars films, something referring to the "dark side". He also tried to make amends by saying something like "When my daughter told me she was considering marrying a black man, I thought about it for a while, and then gave her my full blessing.". I tried to Google for an actual link but had no success.

[Helvetica Scenario]

Here you go, Gazzyk1ns - http://www.buryfreepress.co.uk/ViewArticle.aspx?SectionID=843&ArticleID=1064832

Hadn't actually heard about that before. What an ironically disgusting example of a white person's face he has, too. He looks like one of Mr. Bumble's nightmares.

[aaaaaaaaaargh!]

Seeing as this is turning into a rather more niche thread than the starter possibly intended, here's another politician in brilliant excuse concerning being caught in a homosexual incident shocker:

"I have actually been there [a well known gay sex haunt] when I have been watching badgers."

Ah yes, Ron Davies, what a legend

[The Bejesus]

He should watch The Shield to see how to get out of this pickle.  David Acevada managed it for quite a while.

[MissInformed]

George Michael always claimed that when he was arrested in that toilet in LA, it was a case of (from the arresting officer's point of view) "I'll show you mine, you show me yours and when you show me yours, I'll arrest you."

I don't think that was his actual sales pitch, but more, y'know, how it turned out.

[flipmodesquid]

Here you go, Gazzyk1ns - http://www.buryfreepress.co.uk/ViewArticle.aspx?SectionID=843&ArticleID=1064832

Hadn't actually heard about that before. What an ironically disgusting example of a white person's face he has, too. He looks like one of Mr. Bumble's nightmares.

One year later he came a cropper.
http://www.buryfreepress.co.uk/ViewArticle.aspx?SectionID=843&articleid=1253551
Daft racist git-stiff!

[El Unicornio, mang]

'Darkies' always seemed like a really lame racist insult. The n-word has a lot of historical context, as does 'coon', but I don't think I've heard 'darkie' used as an insult outside of an episode of Till Death Us Do Part. It only seems to be used in Britain too (same with Wog, but that references those awful gollywog caricatures). The bloke certainly didn't deserve a heart attack for saying it!

[gazzyk1ns]

Hah, cheers for the links, I genuinely couldn't find any earlier despite remembering a lot about the story. I still assume he went into a library and said something about "darkies", but even so, his death is a bit of an undesirable twist. I'd simply say "Oh well.", if that wouldn't have an unintentional connotation around here these days.

[Huzzie]

Thank you Jutl, I don't think I've laughed so much at anything in *weeks*.

I agree. Best OP at least since the start of the new board.

[All Surrogate]

Last night a BJ saved my life
Last night a BJ saved my life, yeah
'Cause I was sittin' there bored to death
And in just one breathe he said
"You got get up, you got get up, you got get down sir"
You know you drive me crazy, baby
You got me turnin' to another man.

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDQLgYoCKlE[/youtube]

[Ciarán]

And you can't negate the law by disliking it.

What if enough people dislike it? What if there's good reason to dislike it? I'm not talking about sweeping the law to one side. I'm talking about challenging it. I'm saying the injustice here isn't that some politican gets his kicks by approaching fellas in public toilets - it's that such action is considered lewd, uncomely (pardon the pun), unbefitting a "respectable" man. Gay people have been discriminated for centuries, and outcome of that is things like cottaging. A bloke can't just approach any other bloke as one might a girl - becuase it still causes offence, he might run the risk of a queerbashing or of insults etc. And many gay men are not "out" and are driven to flirt by different means etc. The specific law in the case referred to reflects this inequality and also entrenches it further in society.

Whether it's fair or not is immaterial to the case at hand.

This is of import to law as such. That's how law comes about. But anyway...

It must be assumed to be well known by a lawmaker that what he was doing was illegal.

Right, fair enough. But my sense of righteous anger isn't directed towards thew politican - I'm not saying "ha, got caught didn't you!" I'm saying "what a disgrace that people who may be homosexual are driven to these things because they're treated unjustly by society and in law". It's a vicious circle. It's a norm of gay flirtation, an unspoken but implicitly understood rule that you can arrange to meet in apublic toilet to have a sexual experience of some kind. That situation came about largely because of the once lawful but nevertheless unfair oppression of homosexulas throughout a supposedly civilised society. then, given this historical fact, when a gay person follows this gay code they are arrested and charged again. It's a double injustice. It betrays the fact that many people still believe that while homosexuality is now legal (not throughout all of the US of course), there's still something inherently sleazy and dirty about it. As if the social codes of gay people weren't formed by homophobic laws in the first place!

If he wanted free consensual oral sex he could have gone and met someone at a gay bar or similar, or placed a personal ad or whatever.

Presumably he's not "out" about his sexuality. Coming out is a difficult thing to do.

It's entirely possible that the risk factor is what motivated his behaviour. The crowing over his arrest isn't homophobia in itself, it's just gloating that a Republican (right wing, anti-gay party) has been outed in such spectacular fashion. The fact that as a legislator he is in some small way responsible for the laws he broke still being in force is just grist to the irony mill.

Oh yes, I see that point but its overshadowed by the wider context. Do you think anything about this case will change, say, Bill O'Reilly's views on homosexuality? Of course not. The story is a guy got caught and it just reinforces the tawdry views of most Republicans I bet.

Don't get me wrong, I do have some measure of sympathy for the man - I can't imagine he can be a particularly happy chap if he has to hide his sexuality and bargain for affection in public lavatories (although I accept I could be wrong), but he really is the architect of his own downfall and to blame the copper is a bit off.

The copper was party to the "crime", he accomodated it. He's equally the architect of the man's downfall. But he's seen to have upheld the law and done some good for society.

And whatever you say about cottaging (or "the tea-room trade" as I believe the Yanks call it) it is essentially sleazy and that may well be part of the attraction. For heaven's sake, there are plenty of gay bars and clubs in the States - why tout for a length in the park bogs?

I've mentioned this up in a previous paragraph. The sleaziness of it may be an attraction, and the illegality of it may give it a frisson of danger - perhaps it would be a shame if that aspect was lost, but to be honest I think the whole "furore" being discussed in this case is misdirected anger.