Confession time!

[duckorange]

I once had the pleasure of standing guard while one of my drinking buddies did a Nature Poo behind a wall on the way home from the pub. Unfortunately, he got his angles all wrong and laid a good length of nutty slack straight into his grundies.

How we laughed.

[Hank_Kingsley]

Naaah, nature poo is the affectionate name shared between my circle of friends, and there's only one public convenience and it's closed at that time, and all the bars lock up at about 10:30 round here. Damn my shitty town, even more shitty now I've shat in it.

You're a rum one Nagsworth.

[Oscar]

I knew someone who did a shit in the woods once. He went to shit on the forest floor, and, just in time, realised that he was about to crap straight into his trousers. There's a real art to outdoor shitting and there's probably a best-selling book on the subject.

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

It's called not wearing any clothes.

[butnut]

That reminds me...this has stayed as a horror I can't forget, although I've escaped any confrontation over it yet.
A few years ago I was out at a friend's birthday party. I got very drunk and somehow managed to impress a girl (a distant friend of a friend) who, I suspect, was also very drunk. We went back to her apartment, drank more, fumbled around a bit then fell asleep, naked.
I woke up in the early hours of the morning to find that I'd done an impressive sloppy poo down my leg and in the bed. I crept out of bed, had a cursory wash, got dressed and left without waking her. I didn't leave my number.

[Oscar]

Oh come on, that sounds like a made up story. There's no way you'd ever get a girl into bed.

[Cack Hen]

Oh well if it's a REAL wanking thread...

A few years ago when we had a dog (this story won't be as good as that opening line suggests), it was almost impossible to keep her hairs off of our clothes, due to her malting relentlessly. If I wanted any of my clothes looking remotely passable, I'd usually have to dedicate a good 15 minutes brushing them down. I eventually found that getting changed in the back garden was much easier, because you could brush yourself off outside and the hairs wouldn't just fly back on you. After about a week of walking out into the garden at 7am on a winter morning, I had a sudden urge to knock one out then and there, and it was absolutely wonderful. Maybe I felt at one with nature or something, it was very serene and peaceful, I was completely in my own little world and would usually leave my mess on my mums flowers (albeit by accident). I didn't clean up or anything, nature was bound to take care of that.

I was never caught, but I had to stop doing it because my sister saw me going out there one day and became a crap family joke that I got changed in the garden, so I had to stop in case somebody walked out there and saw me.

When I have my own place I'll be wanking in my garden all the time. It has to be winter, though. 

[23 Daves]

OK *gulp*

I don't know how to ride a bike.

You gulped before that?  I can't ride a bike either.  Mrs Daves keeps wanting to take me down the park to teach me, and I can't begin to tell you how sodding embarrassing even the idea of that is.  Whatever would the local hoodies say?

I can't swim either, and I also can't drive a car.  So I'm fairly fucking useless at most practical things in life.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I know a girl that used to boast of lying on her back naked in the garden when it rained, frigging herself off. She doesn't boast about it anymore, though I don't know why, it's a damn sexy thought. Sexier than imagining Cack Hen jizzing into a flowerbed, anyway.

[buttgammon]

I know a girl that used to boast of lying on her back naked in the garden when it rained, frigging herself off. She doesn't boast about it anymore, though I don't know why, it's a damn sexy thought. Sexier than imagining Cack Hen jizzing into a flowerbed, anyway.

What are house prices like in her area?

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Insurance premiums more like.

Hey, is that what I think i*CRASHHHH!*

[SetToStun]

I knew someone who did a shit in the woods once. He went to shit on the forest floor, and, just in time, realised that he was about to crap straight into his trousers. There's a real art to outdoor shitting and there's probably a best-selling book on the subject.

Inevitably, there is. A friend of mine who lives in Canada spends a lot of time hiking and suchlike and owns this tome. It's amazing how you can pad out a book on shitting with stories about former (and now late) US presidents and their outdoor shitting techniques, for example.

[lactating man nips]

I don't think Mr Analytical has even posted in this thread and yet its still descended into shitwank hell.

[mister_enmity]

You gulped before that?  I can't ride a bike either.  Mrs Daves keeps wanting to take me down the park to teach me, and I can't begin to tell you how sodding embarrassing even the idea of that is.  Whatever would the local hoodies say?

I can't swim either, and I also can't drive a car.  So I'm fairly fucking useless at most practical things in life.

Innit???!! It's just that I've rarely told anyone about it. My dad never bothered to teach me when I was younger, and I just let it pass. And likewise I don't think I'll be able to swim or drive a car.

[Oscar]

Inevitably, there is. A friend of mine who lives in Canada spends a lot of time hiking and suchlike and owns this tome. It's amazing how you can pad out a book on shitting with stories about former (and now late) US presidents and their outdoor shitting techniques, for example.

Oooh excellent! That's Christmas sorted then. A copy of that to everyone in my family!

[alan nagsworth]

I was never caught, but I had to stop doing it because my sister saw me going out there one day and became a crap family joke that I got changed in the garden, so I had to stop in case somebody walked out there and saw me.   

What, and miss the opportunity of turning a crap family joke into an excellent everyone-in-the-local-vicinity joke?