Pulling a much younger girlfriend - red light spells danger

[TC Raymond]

Here's a cautionary tale for the young bucks among you. It started as a jokey back-and-forth e-mail between me and a couple of mates who had similar experiences, and it ballooned over time into the rant below, archived and presented for your pleasure.

Pulling a much younger girlfriend may be an ego boost in the short term, but in the long term, you will regret it.

Okay...you may feel flushed with success at first and think whoa, I'm cool, I may be in my thirties with a pot belly, man breasts and a rapidly balding pate, but if I can pull a girl nearly half my age, I must be blessed with the magic touch.
When this initial exhilaration wears off, you will find that you are in the shit.

Like it or not, you are not as horny as the teenage / twenty-something boys she is used to, and you haven't been for a long time. When you were a kid you probably thought the standard issue sitcom 'easy laugh' of a man turning down his wife's sexual demands was unrealistic, in fact you were probably such an insatiable beaver-hound you'd have shagged June Whitfield or even Yootha Joyce (and she was dead) if they gave you the glad-eye. Now, however, you are burning out fast and when your significantly younger 'significant other' demands the fifteenth snog of the evening - and you only got home from work an hour ago - you may quite rightly piss her off in a big way by saying "I'm trying to watch Nigella Bites, do you mind?".

Then there's sex. In my youth, there was one basic rule - if you can't get into her knickers whilst 'Eternal Flame' by the Bangles or 'Show Me Heaven' by Maria McKee is on the stereo, you're a fucking loser. That cuts no ice now. Even if she lets you select the music for the evening - which will be a rare occasion indeed, and you don't even want to dwell on how much you loathe and detest the thought of that Kanye West CD going anywhere near your flash new Sony system - 'Eternal Flame' will be greeted with a disdainful moan of "I prefer Atomic Kitten's version". This will result in the indelible mental image of three anorexic pram-faced scousers mangling a chart classic from your youth, and this will prevent you from getting even the most cursory of erections. That's if all the cheap plonk you've plied her with didn't get there first.

When you have your mates round, the drill is simple. Four or five sad old bastards (the sadness and the oldness levels are variable) get together over a Chinese or Indian takeaway with a bit of carefully-chosen guitar rock on the stereo and several beers, mull over old times, failed relationships and the like, discuss sports and how much you hate your jobs, maybe watch a DVD or two, whatever takes your fancy. Everyone will have gone home by midnight and you're free to shuffle off to bed.

When she has her mates round, however, it's a different story. "They're cool people", she tells you, not taking into account that your definition of cool differs widely from her own. Because she's young, she has to turn every cunting thing, from a wake to the millennium, into a big party, so when her mates turn up they bring their mates and their mates' mates, and you end up with a house full of loping, sneering, sticky-fingered, acne-scarred, baseball capped wankers who turn into the biggest cunts in the world, nay the universe, after a couple of cans of Stella. Most of them work at Argos or Dixon's and their idea of shop talk is laughing about some old "saddo" who tried to buy a replacement stylus for a turntable he bought over six months ago. There's not much chance of conversation, however shit it might be, because she's taken over the stereo and is currently excavating the earwax of all present with some shitty Banging Hardcore Garage Anthems or whatever. This is likely to go on until two or three in the morning if you're particularly gutless, or unless you feel like having your head kicked in by the throngs of Gavs and Kevs who sniggeringly call you grandad and to whom the concept of the householder making the rules is entirely alien.

You want to watch your Python or Goodies DVDs, she wants to watch Little Britain, the Mighty Boosh or (God help us) Ant and Dec.

You want to watch the late film on BBC1 with Al 'cool as fuck' Pacino or Gene Hackman, she bluntly informs you that's out of the question because the new series of Big Brother has just started.

You go out for the evening, and suddenly find yourself being dragged away from the few remaining unspoiled grumpy old gits' pubs that serve real ale and offer the chance to mull over a quiet pint in favour of converted carpet warehouses offering three 'kicking' rooms where patrons may choose between techno, techno or yet more techno, and the door staff are trained gorillas who sting you a fiver each on entry and sport those charming little name badges as a reminder that they could kick your teeth from here to Belgium if they so choosed and it would all be completely legal.

Minor irritations pile up, if hearing some boneheaded rapper's latest outpouring of homophobic bile rendered as a tinny ringtone for the two thousandth time can even be considered a "minor irritation". When there's something on TV halfway worth watching, you can't enjoy it because she's sitting there with her ludicrously expensive trainers on your furniture, sighing contemptuously and furiously text-messaging her mates, which naturally makes you paranoid. You kid yourself that she's not slagging you off to everybody she knows, but deep down, you know she is.

The concept of 'downtime', the preserve of oldish gits like yourself, is alien to young girls, whose idea of a relationship is still "I love you and you love me and we are one and nothing will ever come between us" and if you disappear to the bog to read the new Viz, she'll be in an almighty strop when you come out, accusing you of ignoring her. She'll even, given her chance, fuck with the way you dress, trying her hardest to convince you that you can still dress like one of those arseholes from McFly and not look like a total bellend.

When it's all over, you seek solace in a comfort shag with a curvy ex-girlfriend or the pleasantly voluptuous secretary from your department who always greets you with a sexy smile, and you realize that women your age or older are your destiny, and that it's not so bad after all.

Bloody kids of today - they make me feel old, and I'm only 33. What a cunt that is.

[Eight Taiwanese Teenagers]

My god. Even [banned troll]'s getting more sex than me.

[Pseudopath]

loping, sneering, sticky-fingered, acne-scarred, baseball capped wankers who turn into the biggest cunts in the world, nay the universe, after a couple of cans of Stella.

That's a pretty accurate description of any Saturday night out in Northampton. I think you'll find your neighbouring county of Oxfordshire boasts an altogether classier breed of drunken lout.

[chand]

I'm nearing 27 and I'm pretty sure most women my age would laugh at me if I tried to put the moves on by putting 'Eternal Flame' on the stereo. Maybe I wouldn't do it with the same smoothness as you though, TC.

Glad you managed to mention people underrating the Goodies, baseball-capped youths and how much you hate rap, though; for a minute it seemed like someone else was writing.

(I like the idea of your righteous anger about Atomic Kitten covering 'Eternal Flame' being the reason you couldn't get it up, that's a new one!)

[Miss Anne Thrope]

Off topic: I know the whole tags thing is under discussion at the moment, but 'Waspy's wife" gets me every time.

Sorry. As you were.

[the ruffian on the stair]

Where I live I'm noticing an increasing amount of young Asian catalogue brides being promenaded round town by white men in their late-forties and early fifties.   

[buttgammon]

Where I live I'm noticing an increasing amount of young Asian catalogue brides being promenaded round town by white men in their late-forties and early fifties.  

I know a bloke who got involved with that stuff. Only he went over to Thailand to marry her and she kept him over there! The last I heard he's working for her family business and is wishing he never bothered.

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

Is this a hypothetical situation TC or is this actually true and you do have a younger girlfriend? If it is true then she must be either desperately ugly or mentally deficient to consider going out with you. The kind of person that goes on Jeremy Kyle on gets accused of having an affair with her stepdad by her mum.

[Eight Taiwanese Teenagers]

Is this a hypothetical situation TC or is this actually true and you do have a younger girlfriend? If it is true then she must be either desperately ugly or mentally deficient to consider going out with you. The kind of person that goes on Jeremy Kyle on gets accused of having an affair with her stepdad by her mum.

This seems a bit harsh!

[TC Raymond]

This seems a bit harsh!

Just ignore him, Mike, he's trying to show off.

[the ruffian on the stair]

Is this a hypothetical situation TC or is this actually true and you do have a younger girlfriend? If it is true then she must be either desperately ugly or mentally deficient to consider going out with you. The kind of person that goes on Jeremy Kyle on gets accused of having an affair with her stepdad by her mum.

Oi cunt! That's my sister you're fucking trashing! Called her ugly again and I'll pull your eyes out and fuck your sockets.

[ziggy starbucks]

Oi cunt! Al tha funkee homosapien is my sister. Threaten to pull her eyes out again and I'll pull your eyes out and fuck your sockets.

[TC Raymond]

"Bill Oddie's daughter is quite fit"?!



Whoever added that tag, go away and think about what you've done. I'd rather fuck Bill.

Strangely enough, I know a 'bear' (large, hairy homosexual) who actually does fancy the Oddiemeister, and the keyboard player from Abba. Funny old world...

[Pseudopath]

Where I live I'm noticing an increasing amount of young Asian catalogue brides being promenaded round town by white men in their late-forties and early fifties.   

I've noticed exactly the same thing. In fact, there were a couple watching me use the CoinStar machine in my local Tesco the other day with the man trying to explain to the wife what the machine was for. Once I'd chucked in all my coins and printed off the voucher, the Asian girl asks me why some of the coins had been spat out by the machine. I collected them, realised they were Euros, then turned out and chuckled, "Hey! It helps if they're English!".

Unfortunately, the bloke seemed to take this the wrong way, gasped in shock and dragged his confused bride out of the door. Although maybe he just didn't like her talking to younger men.

[pk1yen]

This makes me feel old, and I'm 18, for fuck's sake.
Does this make me a pretentious cunt, or the opposite (a down-to-earth dick)?
Perhaps somewhere in between.

As much as I love my girlfriend (same age, not much younger, before inevitable paedo jokes) there'd be no chance in her sitting through entire Python episodes or Woody Allen films. She did try though, to be fair.

[the ruffian on the stair]

Oi cunt! Al tha funkee homosapien is my sister. Threaten to pull her eyes out again and I'll pull your eyes out and fuck your sockets.

I'm warning you now pal: go find out if Specsavers are still doing a buy-one-get-one free deal cos you and your sister are both gonna need a cheap optician if you mess with me. 

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

I see the mental deficiency runs in the family. Are you a whole clan of mongs?

[the ruffian on the stair]

I see the mental deficiency runs in the family. Are you a whole clan of mongs?

Well the gene skipped a generation with me but my sister, unfortunately, is a full-blown mong (but not an ugly one)

[TC Raymond]

my sister, unfortunately, is a full-blown mong

I hate to say this but that made me do a big snorty LOL.

[Hypodeemic Nerdle]

What do you mean, "even Yootha Joyce"?  She had style & great slacks.

[TC Raymond]

What do you mean, "even Yootha Joyce"?  She had style & great slacks.

And unfortunately a face like a blind cobbler's thumb, and chronic alcoholism.

[Hypodeemic Nerdle]

And unfortunately a face like a blind cobbler's thumb

Oh oink oink oink.

[Jemble Fred]

I don't think age difference matters that much, if both halves of the couple are over 25. Perhaps I'm setting too much store on my experience, but EVERYONE I know well who made any kind of commitment before the age of 25 has somehow broken it by their late 20s. It just seems that the changes folk go through between early 20s and late 20s is far more marked these days.

Brought home to me when I recently dated a 23-year-old. Ideal in so many ways, but I couldn't help feeling that she'd be a completely different person at the age of, say, 28.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

If it's any consolation TC, you look more like 50 in that photo of yours.

[TC Raymond]

If it's any consolation TC, you look more like 50 in that photo of yours.

You should see photos of me when I was 19. I looked 35.

[Dark Sky]

Okay...you may feel flushed with success at first and think whoa, I'm cool, I may be in my thirties with a pot belly, man breasts and a rapidly balding pate, but if I can pull a girl nearly half my age, I must be blessed with the magic touch.

Surely if you're thirty, magically touching a girl who's nearly fifteen is a bit...I dunno...against the law?

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I'd love to know the pubs TC goes in that play techno.

[Mr Colossal]

Just ask yourself: 'what would Rod Stewart do?'

[Hank_Kingsley]

Be a success in his chosen career and have lots of sex with women generally considered to be 'hot'? As opposed to wanking lyrical about how he and his monobrowed friends gather together to bask in the smell of indian food and warm farts, lying about their sexual adventures with imaginary 15 year olds.

[Epiphany_n]

Been there, done that. I was 30, she was 20. I think you're being harsh on the girl TC: can you really expect her to be any different at that age. I can't really remember too well what was going on in my head in late teens but I'm sure I wasn't a "well rounded" person.

Also, you have went out with someone that seems to fit a stereotyped profile of a yoof. Either this means you're lying or you have really bad taste in women. Not every younger woman is into lairy techno and jungle music.