News You Can Set Your Watch By

[katzenjammer]

And of course at every single flood ever, the cunt in a canoe...

Closely followed by '....but it's business as usual in The Red Lion...' accompanied by footage of some real ale tosser in waders drinking a pint of Old Fartbreath.

[Santa's Boyfriend]

More of a local newspaper story, but the family having all their Xmas presents nicked is always a hardy perennial.

Though what a couple of crack addicts are going to do with an Optimus Prime action figure and a satsuma is completely beyond me.

[Artemis]

More dead bodies in Iraq seems morbidly predictable.

[George Oscar Bluth II]

Common foodstuff/drink may cause cancer. Followed a few weeks later by news that the same common foodstuff/drink may actually prevent cancer.

[Whug Baspin]

Also pre christmas stories of excesive drinking and 10 things not to do at your office party, plus probably a guide to hangover remedies.

Not sure if you can set your watch to it, but the Red Wine 'good for you/causes cancer' one is pretty much iminent every month or so. (Edit: GOB beat me to it)

[Neville Chamberlain]

Family dies due to faulty Christmas lights.

[Blue Jam]

Following on from the Glastonbury thing, some music magazine or tabloid will ALWAYS print a guide to recreating Glastonbury in your own home "for those of you without tickets." It will usually recommend breaking the toilet and dropping a camera down it, and filling the shower with beer cans, and possibly over-watering the lawn then putting an inflatable armchair on it. These guides are never, ever funny or original.

[Al Tha Funkee Homosapien]

Space invasion.

[Ciarán]

When the Turner Prize nominees are announced, The Guardian's G2 will have an article on the state of art today. Brian Sewell will argue that it's in a terrible state altoghether, and Damien Hirst will argue against him. A photo of Tracey Emin's bed will feature.

[Viero_Berlotti]

Wimbeldon: Rain, the price of Strawberries, Cliff Richard. (Thank fuck Henman's retired though, however I predict Andy Murray will be just as frustrating. I reckon he's going to be a bit of a sicknote, constantly injured or recovering from injury, and as usual in the eye of the media he will be Scottish when he loses and British when he wins).

[gloria]

A traditional part of British culture will be shown while a voicever describes it in idyllic tones and then says, "But all that could change soon because..."

[Angst in my Pants]

Perhaps this is why...



source

What was the difference between that grade 'N' that appears to have been dropped in 2002, and grade 'U'?

_{I want it to stand for "Nearly"}

[23 Daves]

"Man/ Woman finds Rat/ Finger/ Cockroach/ False Teeth/ Glass Eye in Pie/ Mars Bar/ Hamburger/ Bakewell Slice" (delete where applicable, obviously).

Mainly favoured by local papers, but also often printed by The Sun, these stories.  The thing I love about them most is that they almost always seem to be accompanied by an almost identical photo each time - namely that of the victim holding the offending object up (sometimes over a rubbish bin) and pointing at it with their free hand with a very disgusted or disgruntled expression on their faces.

I've always wanted to find a Praying Mantis/ Hedgehog/ False Septum in my Pork Pie just so I can pose for the local press in one of those photos.  I'd probably even frame it and put it on the wall. 

[Detective John Kimble]

A local favourite:  "Our holiday/wedding/etc. mildly inconvenienced by disaster which claimed 10,000 lives".  This is a good 'un because it allows the locals to at least put their little finger on a worldwide news event, even if it's usually never more than the above.   

A favourite of near enough every columnist is to write about their total apathy towards a famous persons death.  Mostly reserved for film directors, musicians, philanthropists and the like.  Pavarotti will undoubtedly get one or two - as did Bergman, and eventually Diana got some too.     

[quadraspazzed]

A local favourite:  "Our holiday/wedding/etc. mildly inconvenienced by disaster which claimed 10,000 lives".  This is a good 'un because it allows the locals to at least put their little finger on a worldwide news event, even if it's usually never more than the above.

Similarly, LAZY FRENCH ON STRIKE AGAIN! POOR BRITS IN STRANDED CHAOS!

Cos obviously British holidayers being slightly put out are much more important than workers' rights.

Once, just once(!), I'd like to see a story about a strike which features someone who says "actually I don't give a fuck, I fully support their actions and their demands! Plus cos I'm stuck here it means I've a few more days off work, wahey." They must exist surely, after all Britain has a proud union tradition.

[23 Daves]

I supported the Post Office worker's strike and gave them a possibly slightly pathetic looking thumbs up as I went past our local depot.  This despite the fact that they've "lost" numerous bits of my mail over the years, most especially CDs - I'm a forgiving chap.

I've also supported some RMT strikes, just not this last particular one.  The press do sometimes print letters supporting the strikes for balance - Metro have run a few this week, but they always make sure the "letter of the day" is somebody saying "SACK EM ALL!  HOW DARE THEY!  BRING BACK MAGGIE!"

[Mr. Analytical]

Private Eye printed a good little observation about the Independent- the first time they ran one of those front pages on the horrors of excessive packaging, the paper had also been stuffed with inserts and leaflets. They should just relaunch as an online, paperless newspaper, or get off their arses and start printing some proper news.

  I seem to remember it was a poster that was part of a series devoted to bird watching.  I wrote a letter pointing out the irony, needless to say it wasn't published.

  I agree that the Indie has started to become an environmentalist's Daily Mail, plus everytime there's a Cameron story Bruce Anderson appears saying that it's quite a good move but he needs to move juuuuuust a little further to the right.  Every time there's a Brown story the same bloke appears in editorial saying "Ah now, this was quite a clever move... you might not have realised it but apologia apologia apologia apologia"

   I've actually moved over the the Guardian despite hating them.  I disagree with them more than I disagree with the people at the Indie but I genuinely prefer the tone of the Guardian.

[buttgammon]

   I've actually moved over the the Guardian despite hating them.  I disagree with them more than I disagree with the people at the Indie but I genuinely prefer the tone of the Guardian.

I've done exactly the same. The Indy has become unbelievably self-righteous and there's just too much fashion and global warming in it. I enjoy having a newspaper that has to be folded out again as well even if The Grauniad is a 'Berliner' and not a full broadsheet.

[aaaaaaaaaargh!]

What was the difference between that grade 'N' that appears to have been dropped in 2002, and grade 'U'?

_{I want it to stand for "Nearly"}

I think it stands for "near miss", so you're not a million miles away

[Chutney]

"It's political correctness gone mad, as loony left councilors ban Christmas/Easter/Hannukah/Hammer Time etc etc etc"

Even though they haven't and none of the "journalist" can supply any evidence beyond the anecdotal ramblings of local knuckle dragging halfwits.

[ozziechef]

"Local Council spend thousands on biscuits for meetings"

Normally appearing when the journalist is no longer invited to any council meetings.

[Angst in my Pants]

I think it stands for "near miss", so you're not a million miles away

You're right!  It seems it was originally used to represent a fail at A-level but pass at O-level equivalent, then replaced with the Grade 'N'.

[Neville Chamberlain]

My brother was always proud of his A-Level results: C, N, D. Right on!

[Blue Jam]

  I seem to remember it was a poster that was part of a series devoted to bird watching.  I wrote a letter pointing out the irony, needless to say it wasn't published.

The London edition came with that and the usual leaflets advertising car insurance, special offers at Dell, etc. The Grauniad piss me off too but at least they print letters of complaint and can laugh at themselves a bit more than the Indy.

I did enjoy Private Eye's jokes about the ubiquitous free wallcharts though. They should have printed the Wasps wallchart, I would have put it up. I actually did put up the Guardian's Apples and Clouds wallcharts in my flat, because they're so crap they're funny. Come on, Apples?  I'm not racist but they all look the same to me. They must have been scraping the bottom of the barrel by that point.

[Pseudopath]

My brother was always proud of his A-Level results: C, N, D. Right on!

My mate got D, U, N, C and E in order on his GCSE results. Needless to say, he didn't go on to do A-levels, but if he had they would probably have been C, U and N.

[Tokyo Sexwhale]

Scrounging cunts have 35 kids and live in a mansion paid for by YOU the taxpayer!

Tabloid favourite, whereby unemployed couple are pictured with their brood mostly wearing football shirts- oldest is about 25, with a baby on the fat mother's lap.

What I don't understand is why they gladly line up to have their family portrait taken, when they must know what the story is going to be!

[wherearethespoons]

Little dead kids - all year round.

[Ambient Sheep]

What was the difference between that grade 'N' that appears to have been dropped in 2002, and grade 'U'?

^{_{I want it to stand for "Nearly"}}

I realise I'm a bit late with this, but my then-best-friend's sister got an "N" at A-level back in, oooh, 1987.  None of us had ever heard of this, and all she could say was "I'm told it's between an "E" and a "U".  So we had endless fun speculating on what it might mean, including your "Nearly", and also "Not quite", and various other humorous concotions that are now lost in the mists of time.  In the end we came to the conclusion that it simply meant "Naaaaaaah!" (performed with a sad and rueful shake of the head).

Annoyingly we did eventually find out what it stood for, but I can no longer remember.  I don't think it was Pseudopath's "near miss", though.

You're right!  It seems it was originally used to represent a fail at A-level but pass at O-level equivalent, then replaced with the Grade 'N'.

Yeah, when I did mine in 1983, it was A, B, C, D, E, O, F.  They then changed it round about the time that O-Levels were mutating into GCSEs to the A, B, C, D, E, N, U system.

[boki]

You did seven A-levels, Sheepy?  I fucked up by trying to do five (although one was gen studs, of course)!

[Angst in my Pants]

Annoyingly we did eventually find out what it stood for, but I can no longer remember.  I don't think it was Pseudopath's "near miss", though.

I think it's true, I read it on the internet.
See section "Grades and grading history"

I now prefer your "Naaaaaaah!" to my "Nearly" though.