Trouble you got into at school

[Neil]

I was just sitting remembering about some stuff that happened at school, and thought people's stories could make for an interesting thread. 

When I was a kid, I'd pretty much break a different bone every single year without fail.  This time, I'd bust a leg, which had meant weeks spent dossing in the library on the ground floor.  One of the older kids who I kind of knew had slipped me a copy of Viz at one point, and I was instantly hooked!  God, it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen, just laugh out loud hilarious.

So I got into the habit of buying it.  I can remember once reading it on the school bus and PISSING myself, and people staring round like I was mad.  Anyway, once my leg healed, I was up in CDT with a freshly bought copy of Viz.  So I got my CDT folder, set it up on the desk with Viz behind it, and then started reading in the most unsubtle way possible.  Wasn't too long before the teacher broke off from lecturing to hurl a bit of chalk at my folder.  He confiscated it, and I thought that was the end of it.

However, a few months later, I got in trouble for fighting or something.  Actually, I think the other guy started it, but when I was hauled up I took the oppurtunity to squeal on the History teacher who was always picking on me, the fucking flared-nostril prick.  Oh, he was also a P.E. teacher, if any more evidence of his cuntery were needed.

So my Mum was brought up to the school, and we went through all this stuff.  Then about halfway through, I spy the copy of Viz lying on the Headmasters desk.  Uh oh.  He did eventually mention it, and handed it over to my Mum, who was appalled.  Hehe.  Now, she flicked through it and I am pretty sure all she saw was Johnny Fartpants.  So fucking tame!  Fair enough if she'd sat and read Finbarr Saunders or something (one of my faves back then), but y'know, Johnny Fartpants, what's the big deal?  Her and the teacher and Headmaster all seemed to view it as being akin to hardcore porn or something though.  I never heard the end of it from my Mum, any time I caused problems after that she was always talking about 'Johnny Fartytrousers' or whatever.

[Hank_Kingsley]

I once got in trouble at secondary school for chucking Jelly (uncooked, still in the squares) up at the ceiling of our dining hall. There were a lot of people involved and, thus, a large amount of uncooked jelly. You would just lick one side and throw it up at and invariably it would latch on to the ceiling.
It stayed up there for years, right up untill they completely gutted the whole lower school ( not the student body, the buildings...).

[Neil]

Should I have a seperate thread for trouble you DIDN'T get into at school?  Nah fuck it, stick this here:

This was in college...college!  Our Marketing teacher was a nightmare of an old hag, just the most boring woman imaginable, every single lesson would involve time slowing down to the point where it was standing still.  A guy in the class called Busty was a right wee show-off, and one time when she nipped out of the class, he stood up, thrust his hand down his trousers, and pulled out a fucking CLUMP of pubes.  Then he sprinkled a bunch of them in her cup of tea, and calmly sat down again. 


When our main teacher was off having babies, we got the coolest stand-in ever.  Dead easy to side-track, and he basically just let us dick about the whole time.  When he was leaving, some bright spark (*cough*) had the idea of getting a stripper to see him off.  My mate was well up for this, and we managed to talk the whole class into it.  So we got this stripper to visit us at college, and she burst in in the middle of one of his last lessons and embarrased the living shit out of him.  Ah it was great, teachers and students were running out of their classes to see what was going on, it was like an 80's feel-good teenage movie or something.   

[Whug Baspin]

I was terrified of being bollocked in any way at school, I remember bursting to tears while sitting in a chair outside the heads office just at the thought of being shouted at.

Once we had been playing the game where you each write a line of an obscene poem and pass it on for someone else to write the next line. Our science teacher found it. She said nothing about the poem, but kept it and asked us to stay after class. Then she sat us all at a desk and just read it out really really slowly, putting emphasis on each word. 'I...took...a...lick...of...my...mate...nicks...dick..and...i...was...sick' pausing every now and then to look us all in the eye as she read it, god it seemed to go on forever, stuff about taking LSD and having a shit, god knows what she thought we were doing in our free time.

[Artemis]

I didn't do anything particularly bad at school, but I still got into trouble because as time went on, and towards the latter part of my secondary school years, I grew overwhelmingly bemused about the whole thing and simply stopped going. When I did turn up I was constantly struck by how utterly useless what I was being taught would be, how I would never ever be in a situation that called for what I was being taught and how much more I'd enjoy myself by not being there. My GCSE results suffered as a result - they weren't bad, but they weren't what they could have been. I have no regrets.

[Small Man Big Horse]

I pissed on the school bully once. He was a horribly thick kid who used to make other kids lives a nightmare. This was in primary school, when I was 7 or 8, but I was already pretty fat at this stage so often got picked on, the one thing going in my favour was at the time if someone really pissed me off I could just run at them and knock them over. He always made sure he had a bunch of mates around to stop anything happening to him though, until one time I found myself alone in the urinals with him, and for some unknown reason just turned round and pissed all over him. I got hauled in to the headmistresses office afterwards, and told off something rotten, but I blagged it somehow by claiming it was all an accident and I'd just lost my balance.

[Jemble Fred]

The best kind of school troublemaking was the inexplicable mass rebellion. I still have no idea what made my GCSE science class all start to wordlessly yell the tune of 'Y Viva Espania' and slam the big wooden desks on the floor in rhythm, but there was no stopping us. The teacher just fucked off after a bit, and we went home.

[Kolba]

I'm one of that English lot from the North West who colonised North Wales. At primary school I used to hate learning Welsh, thought it was a waste of time. Anyway, one day I wrote 'Welsh is a dead language' all over my welsh exercise book. Cue visit to the head teacher and 'Welsh is MY language!' type speech, at really high volume. It wasn't even my idea, it was my brothers.

I'm rehabilitated now. I'm the last person you'd expect thoughts of linguistic superiority from. Bore da, sut wyt ti?

[Hank_Kingsley]

I pissed on the school bully once. He was a horribly thick kid who used to make other kids lives a nightmare. This was in primary school, when I was 7 or 8, but I was already pretty fat at this stage so often got picked on, the one thing going in my favour was at the time if someone really pissed me off I could just run at them and knock them over. He always made sure he had a bunch of mates around to stop anything happening to him though, until one time I found myself alone in the urinals with him, and for some unknown reason just turned round and pissed all over him. I got hauled in to the headmistresses office afterwards, and told off something rotten, but I blagged it somehow by claiming it was all an accident and I'd just lost my balance.

Awesome. Of course, now he may now only be able to achieve orgasm by being pissed on by a large 8 year old.

[Artemis]

I think what's tragic about 'getting into trouble' at school is that the uniform response is invariably to re-assert the need to obey, often without any reasoning or justification. It's also what too many parents get wrong - this notion that children are to shut up and do what they're told simply because the adult is the adult. The idea that children are unable to be reasoned with or be told why it's good to follow the rules is incredibly antiquated and insulting.

[boxofslice]

Im sorry to say i was a little cunt at school and to this day i do regret a lot of things i got up to. For instance i put a dead seagull in the staff room tea urn and no-one noticed for about an hour - suspended for that one. Got detention for two weeks for drawing a little penis emitting sperm on all the pictures of christ in the RE books. Urinated in the french teachers desk drawer. Got caught writing the word 'cock' on all the spare gym kits. Let off fireworks in the assembly hall one November 5th - suspended for that. Made a bunsen burner tower in science class and set fire to the ceiling - only got two weeks detention for that one. I could go on but you get the idea, thankfully im more well adjusted now and this behaviour has not carried into the work place.

[Clone Army]

I was excluded from Maths for a week for setting up a series of charicatures of my Maths teachers made out of collaged photos, along with ludicrously over the top descriptions, on my website (e.g. Mr. So-and-so is an evil, child-eating robot and his novelty forehead gets stuck in doorways.)

Anyhow, this somehow fell into the hands of a teacher and I was called into see the head of my year and get bollocked about how "anyone could have seen this", "how do you think this will effect the school's image?", "do you think this a responible use of the internet" and, bizarrely enough, "do you really think Mr So-and-so is evil?".

Naturally I found this very amusing and since I hadn't used any actual pictures of the staff anyway I told him "It's just nonsense, a joke. I think I have the right to do what I like on my own website". Needless to say this was not what the angry knob wanted to hear and I was excluded from Maths for a week and told to write an apology, which I didn't.

I handled this with stoicism, electing to spend my free lessons playing cards, and got a slight boost in coolness, but it really got me down the more I thought about how petty these idiots were and I went from being a jokey class berk to being really vindictive to teachers.

So thanks, Dr. Cockface (not real name) for crushing my spirit, you cock.

Fake Edit: Oh and the time I piped Tears For Fears out of my schoolbag at full volume during lesson time, and when I coded a program for harvesting Windows passwords on a school computer, oh and shouting "DADFUCK" at the top of my voice during a game of Dadfuck. etc. etc.

[sookmafarter]

There was a big statue of the Virgin Mary outside my headmasters office and i got caught colouring her eyes in white with tipex. They scratched it off but she still looked kinda freaky.

Me and my mate Steely also used to try to use the term 'a frosty emission' in every one of our essays because it was an anagram of ' miss rooney is fat'. One time she actually commented that it was a good descriptive phrase but I shouldn't use the same one too much.

My mate McKenna was the best at school though, we had one english teacher who fancied him and would let him get away with murder - one time he went into the class during lunch and hid in the cupboard. His plan was to wait until his name was called on the register and burst out out and say something funny. She was calling his name Ferris Bueller style for a bit, then he jumped out of the cupboard. There was silence as everyone turned round to look at him. Then, instead of saying anything , McKenna let rip with an enormous fart he had been holding in for a while , and took his seat. The class burst into spontaneous applause. It was great.

The all time greatest thing I ever heard of in terms of school pranks was at my mates school, where a prominent ned/bam/'chav' for you english called Ross Moore unleashed a plague of locusts in the boys toilet on the last day of term. An entire binbag full of locusts. Apparently they were totally swarming down corridoors and shit. Now that is good.

[Cack Hen]

This one isn't quite school, but it is closely related. After school there would be one bus that would come and every kid who didn't live within a mile of the school would cram on it, it was an absolute nightmare. Worse still, it was full of shits and troublemakers who would do everything from jamming 2p in the emergency stop button to starting fires at the back of the bus. It was claustrophobic, really hot, and at times, outright scary. Well one day after school the bus was packed as usual, but the kids were being absolute wankers, throwing stuff at the driver, getting into fights, hanging out the windows and so on. It was clear who the troublemakers were, it was a group of lads at the back. Well when the next stop came the driver had enough, pulled over and said he wasn't driving until everybody would shut the fuck up and sit down. Well of course they didn't and we were just waiting on the bus in a lay-by. The driver actually refused to open the doors because he wanted to get the details of every kid, he didn't want any to escape. This led to some hitting the emergency door-open button and leaping out as he tried to catch them. I became really confused as to who was being the biggest wanker - the kids or the bus driver. He eventually got tired, opened the doors and just told everybody to get off the bus. Slowly, people started getting off the bus as they realised they could walk home quicker. I felt this was unfair, and I asked him "can I have my money back then, please?" to which he sharply replied "no!" so I sat back down. After about five minutes more or less everybody was off the bus except one girl and one boy who were both about to get off. I felt cheated by this, so I gave a speech (which really could have done with some sort of grand operatic backing music) and basically pointed out that the driver was being a twat, not only because he wouldn't refund us, but because he knew we didn't do anything wrong, we were the last kids on the bus and he STILL wouldn't drive off. They agreed to take my lead, and we just sat there for another 20 minutes chatting with the driver looking more and more irate. Every few minutes he'd try and get our names but of course we just refused.

Then I walked up to him and said "Can I have your name, please?" and I honestly think he was about to punch me in the face, so I slowly stepped back to my seat. After about 45 minutes, the other two kids were so close to giving up, but I gave another speech about how great it would feel if we stand our ground and win this, which subsequently won me a bit more time with them. As the hour mark approached I heard him muffle into his walkie talkie thing "I've got three kids on a bus, they need taking to broomhill, please send a bus to the lay-by" and within ten minutes a completely empty bus turned up and we were able to switch buses without paying again. The bus we had to get off actually tailed the bus we were on, right to our destination. I mean, what is the point? I'll give that driver his credit, wanker though he may be, he was certainly as stubborn as me.

Ah well that was probably too long-winded, but it was a great day for me. I spent so much time at that school just avoiding trouble at all costs, and having my education severely disrupted because of twats, it just felt great to make a stand and prevent them from fucking me over just once.

[Pylon Man]

I once set a bin on fire in a chemistry lesson. The teacher had gone out of the room, everyone was playing with bunsen burners as they always do; spraying aerosols at the them to make a crappy flamethrower, melting rulers etc. I got a paper towel and set it alight, panicked and chucked it in the bin, which was full of paper towels. The teacher came back in a called me a "bloody stupid boy". I didn't even get a detention though.

[Blue Jam]

We had this IT teacher who was rumoured to be a bit of a perv- the rumours were totally unfounded but what the hell, that doesn't matter when you're 13. He was the form teacher in the class whose room was next to our form room, and we thought it would be funny to try and start rumours that he was shagging our form teacher, a painfully dull maths teacher with a massive nose and bad skin. We started off writing little love notes from him in her register, then some girls started putting lipstick on and kissing the register's pages. One day someone managed to put a condom in the register and wrote "I love you *****" on the page next to it. Unfortunately someone bottled it and took the condom out before she got in.

I was also in her maths class and mainly got into trouble for not doing any homework- homework assignments were always meant to be 30 minutes long, and every time we failed to do three we'd get a 30 minute detention. I figured 30 minutes of putting up posters in classrooms and tidying desks was better than 90 minutes of maths homework. My mum knew I hated her and thought I was being unfair, especially when she was due to go on maternity leave. Then she met her at parents' evening, came home and said "Bloody hell, hasn't she got a big nose? Terrible skin too, who the hell got her pregnant?"

The aformentioned IT teacher probably got the worst of it though- all the PCs in my school had these little logbooks by them which we were supposed to sign, so if anyone broke one they knew who was to blame. Of course we all just used to write pervy notes implying that the IT teacher was a nonce. What little bastards we were...

[Cambrian Times]

I once got into trouble when I was aged 8 my mum was ill and I was staying around a friend's house and I wrote this message saying that "XXX was a fart" A few weeks later I get hauled before the headmistress who was a nun (it was a private school run by a convent) with my mum in tow to explain myself. Thankfully my mum explained that I had been exposed to bad language by older school kids on the bus, and this was no doubt where I had picked it up from (haha).

In secondary school, I got into a fight with another girl over some trivial matter, but as I was still recovering from the trauma of my father's death that summer, I got away with a one day suspension, but I was shitting myself sat in the head's office waiting for my mum.

[alan nagsworth]

We used to have textbook wars whenever our French teacher would leave the room, and after time, while he was still in the room. Just hurling big 300-page French dictionaries at each other. When the teacher would say "Get out" we would just imitate his voice and shout "Get out! Get out!" On occasion he would stand at the window with his bottle of ice water, looking out at the world passing him by, clearly trying to assess why he was teaching such cunts. We gave him so much shit that he eventually had a breakdown and left. How we cheered!

Once chucked a kid in the road (just outside the school, on a lunch break) because he was getting those candy bracelet things and flicking off the sweets at me with his teeth. I turned round, looked down at him and told him to fuck off. He jumped up and nutted me on the nose, and me trying to be non-violent to someone 2 years younger than me, just threw him to the floor, where he rolled into the road and nearly got ran over... I got suspended.

Gave my maths teacher so much abuse and never did any coursework all through years 10 and 11, he eventually gave up and started making dry, witty remarks at me whenever I got out of line. He used to do routine checks to see how people were getting on with their coursework, and he read my name out, and I just said "You know as well as me I haven't started it yet," to which he replied, "Callum, if there was an exam for being lazy and bone-idle, you'd pass with flying colours." I came back with "If there was an exam for being a fat bastard, you'd pass it with flying colours." A few months before and I was getting suspended for telling him to fuck off, but this time however he just shook his head and carried on with his work.

From year 10 onwards I took in a note from my mom every week, excusing me from every P.E. lesson. Halfway through year 10 they stopped asking me for a note and just ignored me.

[El Unicornio, mang]

When I was at primary school I got sent to the headmasters office for pissing on a fence. I distinctly remember him saying "I'm like an elephant" and I didn't know what on earth he was talking about until much later (elephants never forgetting).

My friend got in a lot of trouble for drawing a huge penis on one of the boys in the Tricolore book in French class, which I felt bad about because I told him to do it.

[TC Raymond]

I'll keep these brief...

I pushed a twatty kid called Stephen backwards off his chair and he cracked his head on a chest of drawers. It bled and he cried like Halle Berry. I got put on report for that.

I disconnected the rubber hose bit from a bunsen burner in science, which was really stupid, as it turned into a fire-spewing wriggly rubber snake, setting books and pencil cases alight. I got put on report for that as well.

Finally...my secondary school's library was on two levels. One afternoon, me and a couple of friends were on the top level reading the day's newspapers, when a kid called Neil said "God, this school's shit and boring". Quick as a flash, with my customary wit, I said "Shit off Neil, you big nosed cunt", and threw his copy of the Observer over the bannister, where it came apart in mid-air, showering the lower level of the library with sheets of newspaper. The librarian told us all to get out of the library, and slightly too loud, I asked "Who's gonna tell her to fuck off, then?"
This was followed by a visit to the headmaster's office and a severe talking-to.

[boki]

Finally...my secondary school's library was on two levels. One afternoon, me and a couple of friends were on the top level reading the day's newspapers, when a kid called Neil said "God, this school's shit and boring". Quick as a flash, with my customary wit, I said "Shit off Neil, you big nosed cunt", and threw his copy of the Observer over the bannister, where it came apart in mid-air, showering the lower level of the library with sheets of newspaper. The librarian told us all to get out of the library, and slightly too loud, I asked "Who's gonna tell her to fuck off, then?"
This was followed by a visit to the headmaster's office and a severe talking-to.

Fibber.

[TC Raymond]

Whatever fucking paper it was. A broadsheet anyway.

[boki]

Well, I'll let you off this time, but I'm watching you, Raymond.

[Hank_Kingsley]

I pushed a twatty kid called Stephen backwards off his chair and he cracked his head on a chest of drawers. It bled and he cried like Halle Berry. I got put on report for that.

You utter cunt TC.

[Kazuo Kiriyama]

But if telly is right, another bop on the head, and he'll be right as ninepence, dancing around the place.

[Ambient Sheep]

This was in college...college!  Our Marketing teacher...

My brain's now fizzling slightly at the sight of the words "college Marketing teacher" and "Neil" in close proximity...

[weekender]

My French teacher in my 4th year of secondary school, despite being ginger, was actually quite hot.  Fairly fresh out of teacher training college, she could only have been about 19/20.  Not only this, but she had a cracking arse and she used to bend over the desks when she went to speak to people.  I'd started the year sitting with a few mates, but over time we managed to manoevre ourselves into such positions that one of us could get a good look at her cleavage whilst another one simultaneously looked at her arse. 

Before all this happened though, we were the usual 14-year old boys.  One time when she was bending over she had her arse really quite close to my face, so in an act of bravado I got my big shatter-proof ruler and started making gestures like I was going to spank her with it.  This was fine until Rob Baxter pulled my arm which was connected to my hand which in turn was holding the top part of the ruler.  SMACK! into her arse it went, and she leapt up with a little yell.  I went bright red and said "Sorry Miss, it was an accident".  Then she looked lovingly into my eyes, winked at me, and said "I hope you're not becoming some sort of pervert, Andrew".

[mister_enmity]

I recall in infant school, approaching this guy who had a massive bandage around his thumb. So I went up to him and squeezed the thumb for no absolute reason. I was literally ostracized from the school community for it; got told off repeatedly by every other teacher in the school. Luckily, they didn't call my parents.

I got into plenty of trouble in secondary school, for example, in year 9, we had this new RE teacher which, typical of our past record with previous RE teachers, was to attempt to push them into the limit. As I am, I participated in this simply because I wanted to be accepted. So we pissed the guy off and stayed for detention where he brought our form tutor to the class. Then, he and my form tutor started giving intense grief - which, in hindsight, I fully deserved - so I threw the table in front of them and stormed out of the class, to the roaring delight of the rest of the class kept in. Afterwards, my RE teacher turned out to be a really nice guy and my class never lived it down.

Another incident in the similar vein of "wanting to be accepted" comprised of my class having a paper ball fight in a supply French lesson. I rarely got involved with paper ball fights  - because I was shit at it - and this was one of the only times I did, I threw the paper ball at a guy next to the classroom door, it missed him, flew towards the door, and that split second, a teacher opened it and it hit him.

I got into a lot more trouble than this in primary and secondary school, but this is the most I can remember as of now.

[Santa's Boyfriend]

Im sorry to say i was a little cunt at school and to this day i do regret a lot of things i got up to.

Fuck me, I'm intriegued as to what else you might have got up to.  Do you remember what drove you to be such a twisted little bastard?

[SOTS]

Hardly any. Wot a swot, I know. When I did though, it was fairly horrible. Because I had the reputation as the swotty kid, it was always high-larious if I got in trouble.

The only time I ever got punished was in third year when I skived off after second period on the last day of term before the easter holidays. When I got back to school, my French teacher (who was also my guidance and responsible for my wellbeing or whatever) was going through the slips from teachers from the last day, saying people hadn't attended. To my surprise, she calls me out to the front of the class in front of everyone and asked me if I skived. I came up with a terrible story which didn't work and she made me dob my best friend in as well. Everyone laughed and laughed and I had to come and do a lunchtime detention with my friend (who got off far easier, she was quietly pulled aside in the corridor by her guidance teacher when I was on the way to my detention and was told that "perhaps she should go as well.")

At primary school it was only minor telling offs occasionally. Like in primary two when one of the older kids was giving out apple Hubba Bubba on the school bus in the morning. It lost it's flavour and I soon forgot it was there. I only realised again when I was sitting in class. I quickly thought up a plan to get rid of it as soon as it was breaktime, including exactly where i'd put it (which for some reason, wasn't the bin). I got caught, after my teacher noticed me trying to conceal the bright green substance in my mouth and not buying the story that it was my mum's apple cakes (what a stupid child I was)