Funny IMDB text

[VegaLA]

In a similar vein to the Funny Wiki lines I present forthwith 'Funny IMDB text'.

I came across this character description for Miki Sugimoto while trying to oggle pictures of her:

Onsen suppon geisha (1972) .... Prostitute with Strong Vagina Muscles
... aka Hot Springs Kiss Geisha (informal literal English title)

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0999315/

Had me in fits anyway (she's great in 'Zero Woman: Red Handcuffs' should you get the opportunity to view it)

[Utter Shit]

The most notorious one is the woman who's entire acting history amounts to one appearance as "Woman who urinates herself" in a made-for-TV movie. Brilliant.

[Key]

The most notorious one is the woman who's entire acting history amounts to one appearance as "Woman who urinates herself" in a made-for-TV movie. Brilliant.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1856457/

[Santa's Boyfriend]

But what a film to urinate yourself in!

[jutl]

You can tell this is going to be a waste of time as soon as you see the credits and notice how many people have three names.

from http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116281/board/nest/8795243 (need login i think)

[Beck]

Heh, great typical IMDb response too, after he's said all that - simply a flat contradiction with no justification:

this movie is great

[Famous Mortimer]

Seeing who can outdo the others with insulting the film in question. I've got a few, starting with the Carrot Top vehicle "Chairman of the Board":

"Mr. Top's crushingly unfunny "film" is a long, jagged scar across our collective unconscious. It is your hopes and dreams replaced by a dying, weeping child crushed and all at once bereft of breath in your unconsoling - and inconsolable - embrace. It is blood in your stool on the eve of your wedding day. It is an unaccounted-for prosthetic eyeball swimming languidly in your vegetable pad thai. It is happiness itself blotted forever from the cosmos.

Carrot Top is the worst human being who has ever lived or ever will live. Stalin? What's a pogrom here or there? Pol Pot? The killing fields are the sweet songs of seraphim heard within the fragrant bosom of your lover compared to this dread offering. Hitler? Europe, she recovered by and by. There is no Marshall Plan for the pain and ruin we Chairman of the Board survivors must endure the sad remainder of our now-squalid lives.

Not only are there no - no - laughs in this movie, this film will steal laughs from the rest of your life. It represents a debt that can't be repaid - not now, not here, not in Superman's Bizarro World, not in a far, future galaxy run by countless trillions of nanorobots singularly programmed to wipe away forever the stain of this film, a film that is now irretrievably etched in thousands of banshee-screaming layers of space-time."


"The Roller Blade Seven":

"Jackson directs like he has both eyes shut, and the editing was done (I believe) by someone with one hand tied behind their back, who insists on showing us every "action" sequence three or four times consecutively, for no apparent reason."

"This film is worth buying and screening to your worst enemies."

"My only fear of the kind of post-apocalyptic world featured in this turkey is that somehow, some way, a print of this abomination would survive. Truly the living would envy the dead."

"If I were forced to watch this movie on repeat I would bludgeon myself unconscious with my own hands after about one and a half times through. No offense to the great Frank Stallone, but I would rather watch Sylvester teach a fingerpainting class for 10 hours than watch that movie ever again."

"This film is, far and wide and beyond any shadow of a doubt, the single worst and most contemptible film in the history of the universe."

"If the chance comes around to see this movie, you should take it. It will make you appreciate every other movie you've ever watched so much more."

"I find myself wondering if it was made bad on purpose, because it simply is not possible that something this bad could have come about by pure chance and/or lack of skill."

"If you were to give a video camera to a hyperactive seven-year-old child with severe cases of ADD and schizophrenia, who is currently high on caffeine and crack, and then tell him to go wild and make a movie, the results would be far, far better, and far more coherent than The Rollerblade Seven. I kid you not."


"The Wild World of Batwoman"

"This is not said for effect: after watching this for the second time with my sister, I sat up from my chair and noticed I was mildly (not slightly) queasy. Any person voting higher than "1" on this film is, without question, insane. I have seen many of the films on the "Bottom 100," and there are none that are even close to this one. If you submitted this film for a middle-school class project, you would grade between a C and F. Even if the film editor was from Romney's School of the Blind, there is some serious explaining needed.

This film is horrendous. Absolutely horrendous. It made me physically sick. To the multitude who voted two or higher, because of you I will begin actively supporting the death penalty."


Red Zone Cuba:

"Red Zone Cuba is a stinker of a movie. It is execrable. It is abominable. But it may be a work of genius. Let's look at the facts: everything about this film is wrong. Every scene is inept, every element is unfit. The editing is botched, the sound is miserable, the acting dead and naturalistic, the characters are anti-appealing, the mise en scene is as flat and barren as capitalistic materialism, the direction is directionless, the story isn't one.

Francis subverts every expectation we have of a movie. It does not entertain, nor does it provide spectacle. He gives us nothing with which to justify watching this Wretched Thing. Only a determined genius tapped into a conduit from Plato's realm of the Forms could have so deconstructed Film. It is ugly, it is dirty, it is mean and it is boring-- sounds like the world we live in. This is a portrait of our empty American existence. It is about the tyranny of a system that doesn't care about anything except its own perpetuation."


Going Overboard:

"Have you seen the movie The Ring? Where the people watch a video tape and die 7 days later? If this movie was on the video tape, people would die instantly, by their own hand, and there would be smile on their face as they realize their agony has ended, and that would be the first smile since they pressed play.

You might be inclined to watch it just to see how bad it is, unable to curb your curiosity. Don't. Please don't. Trust me, I'm doing you a favor. There are 2 types of people in the world, those that think Going Overboard is the worst movie ever made, and those that have not yet seen it. "


SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2

"If you've been thinking about hiring somebody to clean out those clogged gutters or to get that darned septic tank working again, just call Jon Voight. Yeah, the same Jon Voight who won an Academy Award as best actor in 1978 for "Coming Home." The star of "Midnight Cowboy," "Catch-22" and "Conrack" -- you know, Angelina Jolie's dad.

Why bother Mr. Voight? Well, considering that he's lending his name to "SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2," he clearly has a lot of time on his hands, doesn't consider any job too demeaning and probably won't charge too much."


Gigli:

"It's like being hit by a sack full of bricks in the face for a full 114 minutes"


Lazerblast:

"Anyway if you want to see a plotless movie about a green faced kid stumbling around and blowing up random objects then this is your flick."


Monster-A-Go-Go

"This is a film that's dull from the very first frame, and somehow grows even more tedious and more insignificant as it slowly lumbers towards its conclusion. Halfway through, personality-less characters disappear, only to be replaced by actors that manage to be even harder to distinguish from one another; The script is a patchwork of lifeless scenes that have very little to do with each other; And by the time Monster A-Go Go gets close to its ending (or, to put it more accurately, the point where the film runs out), you're not even sure if you're still watching a movie, instead of the result of someone pointing a camera in a random direction just to see what it happens to pick up. And the movie, it would seem, will actually agree with you, as a voiceover narration is used in the final moments to deliver one of the most pathetic non-endings in motion picture history."
I want to point out I didn't write any of these, just an appreciator of a fine turn of phrase.

[VegaLA]

Holy mother of... Lazerblast sounds like it was made just for me.... oi Netflix !!

[Bingo Fury]

Those are the kind of reviews that can get you hatemail.

[jutl]

Factual errors: The X-ray that the attorney holds up is supposedly the defendant's shoulder. In fact it shows a woman's pelvis, with an IUD in place.

from http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0073345/

[hpmons]

The (only) review for Freaky Stories amused me (but perhaps I am too easily amused...)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0166432/

To watch this show, one needs to appreciate the theory that forms the basis for its storytelling conceit. Forming the basis of the thesis I am currently working on at Fretwell Tech U., I have grown to marvel at the intense allegorical sinews that support the five minutes of short storytelling.

The show begins and ends, for example, the same way each time. This repetition serves to reflect the banality of the post-modern soul, while at the same time reflecting its kineticism, through dynamic visual juxtapositions: colour and light fuse with motion to render the viewer helplessly enamoured with the final product.

Zeugma, asyndeton and anaphora are used to elucidate the complexity of the 90s soul. Consciousness is explored, and yet never fully realized - the viewer gets to experience the orgasmic reality of a perpetual silence.

I once wrote on my hand "Freaky Stories" to remember to watch it.

4 out of 7 people found the comment useful. Indeed.

[Small Man Big Horse]

This one's from one of the message board threads for the actor Michael Sutton:

I loved Michael Sutton as Stone Cates. I wish he would come back to General Hospital, I know Stone died of AIDS ten years ago but I think his ghost should come back and talk to Robin and Sonny.

[ColonelVolestrangler]

The most notorious one is the woman who's entire acting history amounts to one appearance as "Woman who urinates herself" in a made-for-TV movie. Brilliant.

The thing that worries me is that I knew it was going to be "Threads" before I even clicked the link. Just shows what sticks in the mind after all these years.

[Famous Mortimer]

Master of Disguise:

For the full 80 minutes of The Master of Disguise, gags leap dutifully from the screen, clear about two inches and fall to their death on the theater floor below. Dana Carvey, playing Pistachio Disguisy — yes, Pistachio Disguisy. Again, he plays a man named Pistachio Disguisy — mugs, cavorts and tomfoolerizes like a madman, and the result is not unlike the worst night of karaoke you've ever seen. Only with no liquor.

[Mindbear]

I thought I'd look up the reviews for Monkeybone, the worst film I personally, have ever seen

Ack! It was HIDEOUS! It was a NIGHTMARE! It was INHUMANE! It was TORTURE!

I hated this

Monkeybone got me really furious on the director of how he could make a film like this one. Brendan Fraser needs to start making more better films and funnier ones like he did in Bedazzled

Brendan Fraser, Bridget Fonda and Whoopi Goldberg all have one thing in common; they star in one of the worst films released in 2001. "Monkeybone" is the perfect example for movie studios to re-examine standards for stamping their approval on films with no story, character development and extremely bad writing.

This movie was directed by an idiot. (oops meant Monkey)

The subtitles where the best.

Looking at the cover of this film, it appears to be a funny and unique film. One that will have you in stitches and one you can watch over and over again.

I was wrong.

The intro cartoon was quite funny, but the rest of the film is tedious junk. The guy with the broken neck was funny also, but not worth the time investment. If you loved Roger Rabbit, you might actually like this film, you might also like thumb screws.

I actually like Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I did not like this. You're in a bad place when you wish a film was as good as the remake of Bedazzled.

[Shane G]

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0712738/bio

Biog of actor Andrew Ray:

After Rhodesia achieved independence, Andrew became Zimbabwe.

[lactating man nips]

This is a review of the Burt Lancaster film 'The Swimmer'. I thought was quite funny because of the proliferation of exclamation marks and impressive vocabulary! The emboldened comment made me chuckle too! I've not seen the film but I want to!

Cold Shoulders From Connecticut Can Rival a Nuclear Weapon!!, 7 November 2007
10/10
Author: dataconflossmoor from United States

Just how devastating is the term "has been" anyway? Such a plight can often times lead to life giving you the cold shoulder, and kicking you when you're down!! Besides, how is somebody expected to interpret a bevy of disconcerting responses that they get bombarded with? When encountering a series of contemptuous jeremiads from those who perennially resented you, how are you suppose to respond to something like this? This movie opens up the floodgates for Ned Merrill (the swimmer / Burt Lancaster) and provides one social conundrum after the next as a way of accommodating Ned Merrill's quagmires of disillusionment and arctic desolation!! Sydney Pollack is the collaborating director of this film, along side of Frank Perry. Pollack is one of my favorite directors of all time!! His articulation on the savage emotions of people with firmly entrenched hang-ups encompasses a bitter realism that evokes a heinously irrevocable resolve with the movie audience!! Such intransigence with the characters in the movie "The Swimmer" wound up becoming a vitiation of humanistic alternatives for compassion with this particular facet of upper crust Connecticut!! These shallow suburbanites were perpetually writhing with venom with regards to their vicarious manifestation of disgruntled feelings!! Such wry feelings inevitably translated to all of these comfortable malcontents being mired in a citadel of acrimony!! Swimming pools were a form of prestige in this film, this is a common New York suburban status symbol!! The size and condition of the pool represented the state of pecuniary deterioration they were afflicted with, or, for the fortunate ones, their lack of it!! Each one of these spawns of affluent dereliction have been decimated through a vicious and denigrating natural course of time erosion, as well as an excessive consumption of alcohol!! You will need a brand new machete to slice through all of the cynicism in this film!! Reveille with the fact that every token of prestige in Ned Merrill's life, now belonged to the bank, was the decaying adversary which became his Achille's heel!! His only potential for escalation in his threatened existence, were his escalating debts!! The swimmer (Burt Lancaster's character) has now been discarded, and fed to the wolves, because his neon accented exposure to his cavorting country club cohorts, about his monetary demise, has sadly reared it's ugly head!! I found this film to be powerful and effective in it's portrayal of the pusillanimous affluent!! This film effectuated a myriad of recriminations for everyone. These avoidable flaws became their ultimate undoing!! Isolation was the conspicuous villain which stalemated Ned Merrill, as well as all of the happenstance victims related to his desultory lifestyle!! Burt Lancaster does a remarkable job of acting in this movie!! I thought I saw some footage whereby David Hasselhoff was in a remake of this film, that would be very interesting to see!! As I have previously mentioned, Sydney Pollack is a fantastic director, and it shows in this movie over and over again!! I definitely recommend seeing this film!! The acting from everybody in this film is very believable. The cacophony of human shortcomings in this movie, gets relegated to a proverbial scenario of too little too late!! For Ned Merrill, it becomes a situation whereby it is ephemeral to be barraged with a bunch of socialites who are formaldehyded by material obsessions!! This film depicts the colossal ramifications, and metaphorically sibilant social pitfalls of masquerading pretenses, far more effectively than almost any other movie that I have seen!! FIVE STARS!! Definitely!!!

[Godzilla Bankrolls]

I've never seen Master Of Disguise, but isn't 'Pistachio Disguisey' actually a good comedy name?

[jennifer]

I've never seen Master Of Disguise, but isn't 'Pistachio Disguisey' actually a good comedy name?

Danny Baker told a very sweet story on the podcast (I think) about his wife coming downstairs to find DB and their son, Sonny, dying of laughter in front of Master of Disguise. It was so awful and they had such a good time they started getting more terrible looking films in (anyone remember what they were?) to watch together.

[Famous Mortimer]

There's a lot to be said for bad films. I hope Danny and son watched "Troll 2", it's a work of demented genius.

[Godzilla Bankrolls]

Yeah, I remember that podcast. Sure, the film may be absolutely awful, but even Baker must concede that it's an amusing name?

[lactating man nips]

Whilst looking at Short Circuit actor Fisher Stevens' page I discovered a mildly amusing thread on the message board.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001770/board/flat/50570847

Awl60610 I would like to take this time to apologize for my earlier out burst. It was cruel and hurtful. My therapist says that I hurt other people to make myself feel better. I am very happy that you met Fisher Stevens Parents. I am sure they are lovely people. I would love to some day meet them myself I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I believe that if we can put this ugly incident behind us someday we could possibly be friends. In the meantime, I have a lot of soul searching to do and hopefully I can find myself.

-edit-

Just looked up Steve Guttenberg and found another amusing thread started by someone who has a conspiracy theory that the real Steve Guttenberg died in 1991 and has since been replaced by his brother...

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000430/board/flat/98341903

[Famous Mortimer]

Cool As Ice:

Every once in a while a film comes along that changes the way we look at cinema. A film that redefines the art of movie-making and lives with the viewer long after he/she has experienced it. You may hear the critics mutter the words Star Wars, Citizen Kane or Gone With the Wind but, obviously, they don't know Ice, they don't know him at all.

Maybe I'm a little biased because I see so much of myself in Ice's character and the personal journey he embarks on in the film. I, too, am a complex, misunderstood white male, searching for identity and a good lawn on which to do the running man. I also have a way with words and a way with the ladies and, gosh darn it, I just love to impress country folk with my fly threads and dope moves on the dance floor, yep yep.

This movie gave me a happy man from start to finish it was perhaps the greatest movie of all time. I would credit this movie with curing my cancer and bringing down communism in Russia. I think that if Vanilla Ice make another film it may very well cure AIDS!!! Vanilla Ice is not only a great musical artist but could be the next DeNiro when it comes to acting.

I thought the movie was totally gerbilicous! I give it the Richard Gere thumbs up! I have loved Mr Kellogs directing from his PLAYBOY work to Inspector Gadget the man has an eye for directing great cinema. Forget Spielberg, Kellog is the MAN!!!

[Dragon]

The show got many complaints for its "dirtiness", which to my memory consisted of guest star Tim Conway saying something about "damn kids" and a one-minute silent bit with Conway's and a cast member's disembodied heads bobbing around on a black screen, with big glowing neon letters spelling "SEX." The show was cancelled the next morning by ABC, which I believe is still the record holder for a TV show cancellation.