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Verbwhores Christmas gift ideas

Started by 23 Daves, November 22, 2007, 08:01:18 PM

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23 Daves

As many verbwhores will know, I generally hate Christmas.  A big reason why I hate it is the Christmas shopping, which I've decided to do online this year - however, this hasn't erradicated the usual problem of getting gifts for my parents.  For the last three or four years in a row, they've openly hated every single thing I've bought.

I got them what I thought was a fantastic lamp from Ikea - "ooh, no... no... that won't work in the lounge, we don't like the colour," they said, before sending it back.

I got them an electronic Soduko game, because my Dad plays it in the newspapers all the time.  Too complicated and "fiddly", apparently.

I bought my Dad some alcohol.  "I can't drink these days because of the blood pressure," he said, before giving it back to me.

I bought my mother a huge box set by one of her favourite singers.  "Well, there's lot of a filler on here with all his hits," she complained. 

In desperation and out of an admitted loss for what else to do, I bought them DVDs of their favourite films and TV series.  These remain unwatched, because they've "seen them on television already" and don't see the point in watching them again.

The list goes on and on.  They are a giant pain in the fucking arse - fussy, picky, quick to complain, elderly before their time and baffled by new technology and ideas.  They're also not really interested in anything.  So... what do I get them this year?  And more to the point, why should I bother?  It's not like they've bought me anything decent in the last decade anyway, it's just I'm too polite to complain (and know they'd go into a huff if I did).

Does anyone have any ideas for gifts?  I will consider even joke ones, just to get them back.  I may then take a photo of their response and post it up here.

CaledonianGonzo

My dad is equally difficult to buy for, but I managed an absolute slam-dunk last year by converting a lot of his old slides to digital and putting them onto a DVD slide-show for him.  Strange to see him cry tears of gratitude after 30 odd years of indifference.

Might be an idea to have a root through old drawers and see if you could do that with some of their old photos.  If they don't have a DVD player, you could always bung the results into a digital photo frame thing.

steven583699

Get one of your mates to break into their house on Christmas morning and threaten to burgle, sexually assault and kill them. Then burst in and frighten him off, possibly with a BB gun.

katzenjammer

Just give them a shit in a box, they might not be happy this year but next year you can give them whatever you like and they'll be chuffed to bits no matter what it is.... as long as it's not another shit in a box of course

Unless it's a more spectacular shit this time.

I'm getting my dad some snazzy binoculars. But yes, he is usually an absolute bitch to buy for.

iain

My parents suggested we dont bother with presents this year since its a lot of hassle and money. I was fine with that, I dont really like opening presents since i find it hard to fake suprise/gratitude, not that my parents dont get me the odd gem. It'll just be nice to spend time together and probably eat a lot. Do you think your parents really want presents? Maybe theyre quite jaded by Christmas, i know my dad doesnt like it much.

falafel


katzenjammer

Quote from: Lookalike Mark Chapman on November 22, 2007, 10:06:30 PM
Unless it's a more spectacular shit this time.

Nah, it's always rubbish getting the same thing two years on the trot, you have to flog it on ebay or something then and it's a bit of a hassle.

Small Man Big Horse

Vouchers.

It shows you have listened to the complaints each year, and have now given up. And that this is the future unless they show more appreciation. (Though for added comedy value you could get them from a shop they'd never use, just to infuriate them further).

23 Daves

Quote from: iain on November 22, 2007, 10:34:28 PM
My parents suggested we dont bother with presents this year since its a lot of hassle and money. I was fine with that, I dont really like opening presents since i find it hard to fake suprise/gratitude, not that my parents dont get me the odd gem. It'll just be nice to spend time together and probably eat a lot. Do you think your parents really want presents? Maybe theyre quite jaded by Christmas, i know my dad doesnt like it much.

No, it's me who doesn't like Christmas - the rest of my family seem to enjoy it.  My sister in particular stares at me in disbelief when I say I don't particularly want any presents from anyone.  "But.. but...!  You're just saying that! You must want presents, though!"  I would want presents, actually, but they always get me shirts from Next that are several sizes too big that I just end up giving to Oxfam.  Or my brother got me an FCUK baseball cap one year... despite the fact that he's never once seen me wearing one in his life, and I wouldn't be seen dead in one either.  I think I used that for painting the ceiling.

My mother also once caused outrage with Mrs Daves by buying her a pair of tights that were insultingly several sizes too big.  So I'm quite tempted to buy her something that's too big this year, tossing it in her direction and saying "Here you are, because you know you've put on quite a bit of weight".

I find it all quite depressing because it does just underline how little we all have in common with each other, and how little we actually know about each other these days.  It is a really farcical occasion.  But it's also the only time everyone seems to be bothered to get in the same room at the same time, so any attempts to go on holiday or boycott it are met with complete outrage, from my brothers especially - even though they usually only pick up the phone to me twice a year, and we don't get a chance to talk properly at Christmas anyway.

SOTS

I still live at home and am partially clinging onto the last remnants of childhood. So I still enjoy Christmas a bit because I get school holidays and all of that.

As for presents for my parents, whiskey for dad and mum picks out some cheap jewellery.

Eight Taiwanese Teenagers

Quote from: CaledonianGonzo on November 22, 2007, 08:07:05 PM
Might be an idea to have a root through old drawers and see if you could do that with some of their old photos.  If they don't have a DVD player, you could always bung the results into a digital photo frame thing.

Cack Hen should definitely do this.

Santa's Boyfriend

23 Daves, give them your dick in a box.

EDIT:  Actually, there are a few simple solutions to your problem.  Firstly, get your family to write a wish list.  Secondly, if they're buying clothes for you, give them your sizes so they know what size to get you.  Or you could give them a wish list.

Emma Raducanu

My parents have always been awesome at Christmas and just asked me beforehand what I want, so usually I tell them and lookforward to Christmas day. Last year I told them what I wanted but they needed me to buy it because it was only available on the internet and not town. Anyway, they never got round to giving me the money. So I bought my own present, which has made me a bit more angry each day.

Luckily for me, I know my Dad loves films so he's thrilled if I predictably buy him a load of recent releases. My Mum loves dining out, so I buy her an 'invitation' to a decent restaurant, where the bill basically goes on my card. It's piss easy for me (they probably fucking hate it, knowing my luck).

Harder I find buying for brothers, sisters, partners. They require variation, which takes me right out of my comfort zone.

Bogey

Amazon wish lists. Boring but effective. If it's not on the list, you ain't getting it.

And bloody hell, Daves, if you'll forgive me for saying so, your family all sound quite, quite mad.

23 Daves

Quote from: Santa's Boyfriend on November 23, 2007, 09:31:01 AM
23 Daves, give them your dick in a box.

EDIT:  Actually, there are a few simple solutions to your problem.  Firstly, get your family to write a wish list.  Secondly, if they're buying clothes for you, give them your sizes so they know what size to get you.  Or you could give them a wish list.

No, this used to be the old solution to the problem, but it got abandoned because they complained they couldn't find what I was asking for in Woolworths or WH Smiths.  I did tell them that there were other stores on the High Street they could try...

And Bogey, the more I hear other people's opinions about my family's mental health, the more I'm convinced they're right.  Mrs Daves really struggles with them and dreads having to deal with them en masse every year.  Oddly, the nicest member of my family actually is mad.  The rest are just very poor at dealing with people with different opinions or tastes to them, and genuinely struggle to think outside their own mental comfort zones.  They're all avid Daily Mail readers too.  I'd classify them as "normal for Essex" in my personal experience, though.

This may be an interesting Christmas as I've got work hassles going on at the moment, and am in no mood for family hassles as well, so I wouldn't be at all surprised if I upset someone.

I don't mean to laugh at your discomfort, Daves, but your opening post did make me hoot. They sound like they're looking really hard to find reasons to complain about your gifts. Make it easier for them this year and give them something absolutely shite, they'll thank you when the complaints flow easily.

I got my girlfriend a pink DS and a handmade scarf, just a shame I won't be flying back to China until after New Year. My family don't really do gifts to each other because we're all invariably poor. Maybe this year it'll change now my bros and my sister have got jobs.

Monkeyfucker

#17
i LOVE buying presents. Heres an inexpensive idea or two

Im not sure if your parents would think youve lost the plot, (see i could give someone a present - cause people think im wacky or soemthing - like this but it depends on the people involved) . A reaaaaaaaly nice jigsaw, do it, and frame it? Or would your parents think you were a mentalist?

Ive always treasured thoughtful or treasured posessions to be a better present, than the one that cost more. How about making a video of all the family? Each family member does a "bit" onyour mum and dad, childhood memories or something like that and make it into a video/keepsake they can look back on in years to come? Or get their wedding video put on dvd, and add to it with some family stuff? Or recording kids singing songs etc is nice for grannies .....

One of the nicest presents I got my Gran bought me years ago. A silv er locket with her and my great granda in it. She never remembered getting me it (she had 20 odd grandchildren so i dont blame her) but it was the fact that she got the pictires for me. And now they are both gone they are still with me....

Something like this? http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Clear-Cube-Photo-Frame-Christmas-Gift-Or-For-Your-Home_W0QQitemZ180183138665QQihZ008QQcategoryZ3207QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

fits 6 pics

What was their wedding first dance song or "their" song? Would going to see that artiost be sentimental for them?

*smaller text - this doesnt work if the artist is dead*





this was my get one free for myself



this (or similar, check landscapes) as a poster off play.com for a 5. Buy two get one free. Buy a frame for about 15 quid ? Or if youve more money, take it to a framing shop. Depends on the quality of the frame etc and where you live how much it costs, but iver here it could be anything between 30-60 quid.

Does your dad buy any magazines regularly? A subscrtiption to a mag? Or a couple of music lessons hes  "always wanted to take". Dancing lessons for your parents? Language course? Something they can do together?

More money to spend.

Um. i Saw this site http://www.gettingpersonal.co.uk/ on This morning yesterday. How about a personalised doormat saying "i told you i was shit at buying presents?!"  Or a calendar personalised - using pictures over the years of your mum and dads history? From meet, to wedding day, to present day? And i *think * you can get peoples birthdays put on it.

If you have siblings that can chip in - depending on spends, how about paying for a family portrait?

Again, if youve people who can chip in - a night in a hotel on the coast? (or something like this http://www.gettingpersonal.co.uk/experience-days/West-End-Theatre-gift-Dinner-for-Two.htm)

Things not to do

* write on books - i remember my Mum wrote on one of Neils books years ago , and when he seen the writing on the inside he said "agggggh you wrote on the inside" . We still laugh about that to this day.........  Every christmas if Neil gets a book, the same old joke comes up and my mum does her Neil impression going "aaaaggggggghhhh"

* not learning from this, i bought my friend a gorgeous diary, and found out all her familys birthdays and friends, anniversary etc and stuff. When she seen the writing she sort of had a minature freak out because "all the writing wouldnt be the same" , but afterwards she told me she was being ridiculous and loved the sentiment. The thought that i took the time to find that out.

Funny things ive done in the past which worked quite well

* Someone told me they wanted a dvd of this stand up comedian (cant rem who) and i knew they hated Billy Connoly. So i wrapped my billy connoly dvds up and gave them to them first. Waited for the reaction - to see if theyll be polite and say
QuoteEeeee smashing lass, great present
or
Quotegod i hate that cunt, why did you buy me that?

Then i gave them the real present. Which in comparison then looks much much more impressive, because they thought you got them something they hated, so anything else is a bonus.

* Disguise it as something else. One year i bought Neil *insert really good present I cant remember in here * , and wrapped it up. I think it was aplaystation game or something easy to guess. So. Im a freak and still have my iron in the box. So, i put my present in the iron box, wrapped it all up and let Neil open. The look on his face of confusion and despair as he seen the iron. I looked at him and said " Mum told me you needed an iron" and hes going
Quoteyeah great thanks
but the look on his face said
Quotewhat the fuck?
[/i] . I then of course burst into a fit of laughter , and told him to open the box.

God reading this, im a real soppy bastard.

What a brilliant sister/family member. I've much to learn.

Emma Raducanu

Regale us with more stories about Neil. The grittier, the better.

Monkeyfucker

Quote from: The Boston Crab on November 23, 2007, 01:29:13 PM
What a brilliant sister/family member. I've much to learn.

they way to get a perfect present, is to think of something that person would never buy themselves - because its too luxurious/dear/hard to get/they dont know they want it yet . Never in a million years .... I just lvoe buying presents!

i can write funny ish poems too. Have done so for strangers (on some provided information) so i can write you a poem if you want ha ha.

If anyones stuck tell me the family member and i can give ideas . Ive too much time on my hands at the moment....... Neil is the easiest person to buy presents for, I literally have to stop myself!

Monkeyfucker

Quote from: Monkeyfucker on November 23, 2007, 01:27:24 PM
What was their wedding first dance song or "their" song? Would going to see that artiost be sentimental for them?
*smaller text - this doesnt work if the artist is dead*

Another idea. Last year i got neil a syd barret framed poster because I knew how much he liked Syd. And when he died he (as many others) was devastated, so it seemed fitting to get him a "tribute" to Syd.

I asked someone off here actually what hey thought of the poster. Was it Boki?

idunnosomename

Actually why put it in a tag, your parents seem like fairly ungrateful people and I don't think you should be buying them things. Or maybe sponsor something for charity in their name and give them a certificate.

petula dusty

A girl I used to work with came into the office after one Christmas and said 'God, you won't believe how much crap I got for Christmas this year.' Ungrateful cow. But later on she revealed that she'd had to take every one of the presents she'd bought for her Mum back to the shops because her Mum didn't like them so it seems to be a family trait.

On the one hand I admire someone being able to say something if they don't like a gift for whatever reason but on the other, much bigger, hand I think you should be grateful that someone's thought of you at all.

Saying that, my Mum once gave me a set of four mugs all illustrated with a golfing theme. I don't like golf, I've never played golf (or any sport), I'm the most unsporty person ever and she knows that but still thought it would be an appropriate gift. I've only got one left now but the mere sight of it has me asking 'Why???'  I can't be too harsh on her though as she has six children, our assorted partners, and 20 grandchildren to keep track of.

Laura, you're incredibly thoughtful and kind! I wish I could be more like that it sounds very satisfying. I blame my apathy on laziness, lack of funds and being incredibly disorganised.

Cack Hen

I still want to give my whole family an episode of Countdown each on DVD, but completely muted. I'll burn the audio from the episode to a CD and tell them they'll have to sync the CD up in order to watch and hear it. And there's only one CD, so they have to share.

But will they think I'm a cunt?

SetToStun

Quote from: Cack Hen on November 24, 2007, 05:53:33 PM
I still want to give my whole family an episode of Countdown each on DVD, but completely muted. I'll burn the audio from the episode to a CD and tell them they'll have to sync the CD up in order to watch and hear it. And there's only one CD, so they have to share.

But will they think I'm a cunt?

That's a tricky one to answer and no mistake at all.

My normal practice is to ask my mum what my dad wants and my dad what my mum wants. Very fortunately, they always ask each other and keep lists and even divvy up who would be best getting what for whom so that takes away the uncertainty - unless I decide to go for a "surprise" gift instead, which is when it gets tricky.

As for my brothers; the youngest will have made a list by now and passed to to my mum, and the other one is impossible to buy for as he doesn't really want anything, if I give up and buy him clothing it will never be exchanged or worn and he has no interest in music, film, books or anything like that. He does support Spurs, but I'm fucked if I'm buying him any of that shite. These days I just get a joint present for him and his wife (something for the house that she will like). My niece will love anything to do with dolls (or a game for her DS); my nephew is well into DJing (got his first paid gig (not for the family either) when he was 12) and loves his music, so he's easy.

My son? Normally a nightmare - never wants anything and always has everything he needs anyway. Fortunately this year he just wants cash to put towards buying a car, so that's sorted.

Having said all that up there ^^ about my folks, though, one year my dad asked for a few books and the like but only in very general terms ("a book on the history of the City of London", "a book about classic British motorcycles") and only made one specific request for a book (I forget which one), which my youngest brother volunteered to get. On Christmas Day, dad opened all his loot, saving the youngest's for last because he was really looking forward to it. He opened it and found a totally different book inside. "What's this?!" he asked, fairly briskly. "Well, I looked at the one you wrote down and read the write-ups on the back. I didn't think it would be your sort of thing, so I got you this instead." Dad went potty - the only time I've ever seen him do anything other than be pleased with a present. The stupid thing was that the youngest wasn't fifteen or anything, he was in his late twenties and really should have known better.

chocky909

Quote from: Cack Hen on November 24, 2007, 05:53:33 PM
I still want to give my whole family an episode of Countdown each on DVD, but completely muted. I'll burn the audio from the episode to a CD and tell them they'll have to sync the CD up in order to watch and hear it. And there's only one CD, so they have to share.

But will they think I'm a cunt?

Hopefully you're joking but just in case you're not, why bother giving them a DVD each if there's only one CD? If they have to take turns with the CD or watch it together at the same time there only needs to be one.

Oh, do they each have a seperate episode of Countdown?

the midnight watch baboon

I'm making Lady Beaner a commemorative giftset of my manky toe photo which enthralled her so this year :)

Cack Hen

Quote from: chocky909 on November 26, 2007, 03:40:13 PM
Hopefully you're joking but just in case you're not, why bother giving them a DVD each if there's only one CD? If they have to take turns with the CD or watch it together at the same time there only needs to be one.

Oh, do they each have a seperate episode of Countdown?

No, it's the same episode of Countdown.


Captain Crunch

You gave us what we asked for
But never what we wanted
And we were only children
How could you have been so stupid?



Anyway, here's a list of alternative gift ideas nicked from the paper last week:

- Charity gifts - either a donation in their name or one of those buy a goat schemes run by Oxfam.

- Locally grown fruit / veg / meat or locally produced gifts.  A similar idea, helping the local economy on behalf of someone else.

- Magazine subscriptions.

- Get the whole family to pool the gift budgets and go on holiday for the festive period.

- Time IOUs.  Little homemade vouchers for babysitting, lifts for the non-drivers and so on.  This sounds dangerously close to the blow-job vouchers they were selling in Bhs (of all places) a couple of years ago.

- Jacking in the whole gift thing and going to help in a homeless shelter or something.

- Gift challenges.  You all agree to spend the same amount, say £5 and compete to see who can buy the most hideous jumper from a charity shop or most useless thing from the poundshop.

Lastly, if you have family that are always complaining of clutter, why not offer to flog some of their stuff on eBay?  They get a bit of cash and an empty spare room and you just have to put a bit of time in.

Good luck.