When Indecision Becomes Crippling

[Artemis]

I think I have a problem. I have been telling myself that it's nothing more than indecision, but over the course of the last week I've become really concerned about where my mind is going with this. It is probably going to sound petty and unimportant but it is actually destroying my quality of life at the moment. The problem is this: I don't know what to do. At the end of October last year, I came back from three months in Australia, during which time I caught fourteen flights in thirteen weeks, flying around trying to find somewhere I felt comfortable with settling in for at least a year. I never felt comfortable. In the end, I reasoned that my trip had revealed to me that my priorities in life were changing and after years and years of travelling or saving up to travel, I now wanted to just stop, get somewhere nice to live with a decent income that's hard to get when you're a foreign national and not be constantly planning another adventure. So I came back to the UK. The last couple of months haven't been terribly difficult; I arrived back with little money so I crammed in a medical trial and now I've got just over a couple of grand in my bank, yet now I'm faced with a decision: what to do. And it's crippling me.

I don't know if anyone else can relate to this, but I'm thirty now. I'm aware that I'm not getting any younger and while I'm by no means 'old', I'm concious that choices I make now are more far reaching then decisions I made lightly in my early twenties. I think mainly because of that, I'm absolutely petrified of choosing anything at all, for fear that I'll make the wrong decision. Like I said, it sounds petty, but this week I backed out of an interview I had in London for a job. There were reasons for that like not being terribly comfortable with the job, but underneath it all is this compulsion to avoid doing anything that would put me past the point of no return on any given course of action. I need to get myself some new clothes, but I can't do it. Spending the money I have disqualifies options like going to London, or throwing caution to the wind and returning back to Australia until August when my work visa out there expires. I'll decide to do something, like commit to a job interview, or fill up my 'basket' full of clothes on an online store website, or get as far as pressing 'submit' on an airline's website to get a ticket back to Australia, and I'll back out at the very last second, because I'll reason that it's too hasty to do that and I need to consider the other options more. Meanwhile I'm stuck in limbo, with no job and am back living in my parent's house which is so depressing for me you have no idea. When it's a temporary stay because I'm between chapters in my life, it's tolerable, but when I can't see what the next chapter is, it's very difficult.

It's not simply a case of 'getting a job' either, because where? I am currently based near Bath, and quite fancy living there, about as equally as I fancy living in London. I feel like I'm staring at the rest of my life, at a crossroads with a million paths to choose from and I'm stuck just looking at all the choices, while the clock ticks by and I'm losing time.

I'm not looking for a load of responses advising me on what to do, though I'm not refusing to listen, but that isn't what this is about. I'm concerned that it's become something more then simply 'being a bit confused' and it's actually more serious then that. Maybe if I can bring myself to make a decision, the fact that it's been made and it's effectively out of my control, would cause me to 'snap out of it' or something, but I just can't do it. Every option seems to have it's pluses and minuses and I feel trapped. I just want to have some kind of life, but I'm not sure what one to go for.

[Bob Whitehorn]

I can relate to your situation to a degree. I was going to ramble on a bit, but I think the only answer is to  plump for something, see if it works, and as soon as you become about 95% sure that it isn't working for you (although hopefully it will work, obviously...), make a rock-solid decision to change things to one of the other viable options as quickly and efficiently as possible. Me and a mate (me alone, him in a couple) have both been in sort of the same situation recently, minus the travelling, and we both came to that conclusion. You can't do anything else; you're not happy now, so you must change. You can't predict the future (uurgh, cliché alert, sorry), so you've got to do something, and then adapt as things go along.

[Mindbear]

I can relate to what you're going through. I think you're suffering from anxiety because of age induced panic. I'm 29 soon, and although I have a job, it's not something that I'll be able to do for much longer without working my arse off to produce bands or something, and I don't like most of the people I meet in music, so I don't want to stay in it, I then decide I'll do a degree in fashion, but then remember I hate all the models and designers I meet, so I start worrying about what i'm going to do with my life at all and end up seeing myself as a mum with no money, no career and no life other than kids that have to suffer being poor because of my stupid life.

I think perhaps you could get a job in bath for a bit, I mean, you've backed out of this london idea for now, so you could stay at your parents for a little while, earn money and be really frugal and then make your next move. You probably could go back to australia but if you do end up coming back you'll be at square one again I imagine.

I don't have good advice, but I understand that feeing of utter limbo, it's a bit like drifting, and not existing on any radar.

[petula dusty]

You're in a fortunate position really in that you have no dependents or financial responsibilities (I'm assuming this of course) so you are free to do whatever you want to a degree. However, I can imagine that all that freedom can make it even more difficult to make a decision.

I'm concious that choices I make now are more far reaching then decisions I made lightly in my early twenties

Why?

There is noone saying you have to make a 'sensible' decision. Only you are saying that. Maybe you should narrow your options down which might make it easier to decide what to do. Also you know that whatever decision you make doesn't mean you can't change your mind again. Don't panic!

[petula dusty]

so I start worrying about what i'm going to do with my life at all and end up seeing myself as a mum with no money, no career and no life other than kids that have to suffer being poor because of my stupid life.

Welcome to my life! Not planned this way but that's how it's ended up. It's not so bad. I wish I had some financial security but I've still got time (I tell myself).

[Artemis]

I start worrying about what i'm going to do with my life at all and end up seeing myself as a mum with no money, no career and no life other than kids that have to suffer being poor because of my stupid life.

When I was a child my family didn't have much money at all. But kids don't remember their parent's financial standing, they remember the love that parent had for them. Your heart is in the right place so don't beat yourself up if you feel you're not able to provide as you'd like to for your children. Giving them a cuddle when they're sad and telling them you love them when you tuck them in at night is infinitely more important then whether or not they've got a Playstation 3.

I think perhaps you could get a job in bath for a bit, I mean, you've backed out of this london idea for now, so you could stay at your parents for a little while, earn money and be really frugal and then make your next move. You probably could go back to australia but if you do end up coming back you'll be at square one again I imagine.

A job in Bath, unless I move there, would involve remaining where I am now, which I'd like to change. Yes, it would provide money. Going to Oz would mean I'd probably lose the money I have now, but over the next few months a friend is due to pay back quite a lot of money I leant to her, plus on my return I'd quickly do another medical trial (great ways to get money quickly) and I'd be at least as well off as I am now. I've applied for about a dozen jobs in London tonight, so I'll leave it a week, see what comes of them. I have a place in London I've already said yes to, in terms of accommodation. I can back out of it, but if I can get a job before I've told them I'll move there (on 2nd) so much the better, I suppose. Ask me again in five minutes, and I'll tell you I think I should get on a plane. I'm like that at the moment, and it's not much fun.

There is noone saying you have to make a 'sensible' decision. Only you are saying that. Maybe you should narrow your options down which might make it easier to decide what to do. Also you know that whatever decision you make doesn't mean you can't change your mind again. Don't panic!

Thanks for that. I've just had so much that's been unsettled for years and years, I'd like something long term that I'm happy with. My ideal vision is to have a place of my own, a flat somewhere, maybe in Bath or more probably somewhere in London, with an income that gives me enough to go out occasionally, and a cat. I can innately tell that having a cat is probably the therapeutic solution I need.

[Mindbear]

Have you lived in london before? It can be the most exciting thing in the world....but I would say that, I love london endlessly. I'd holiday there if I didn't live twenty minutes away! You sound like you're quite near bristol, which is also a beautiful place to live, and I have friends from Bath who absolutely loved it whilst they were there, so you've a ton of good options. See what the jobs say that you apply for, and maybe let that make the decision for you, if it's all set up for you, at least you know it's not a closed door.

I have a flat, that I really love living in, in a pretty okay part of london, with my two cats (and a boyfriend) and thats just enough to be content really, and then on top of that, you'll have all the incredible fun things you'll be able to do and all that exploring. Try, although it's hard, to picture yourself as a happy person and feel excited about it instead of terrified, because I think you sound pretty sorted actually. Also, I can't tell you how rewarding having a cat of your own is....I know it sounds silly, but my two really cheer me up, they're so fat and stupid!

And thanks for your sweet words about being a mother. My biggest fear is being a bad mother. I want to have children so badly but I refuse if there's any chance they could turn out like me, my mum and me were very poor and my mum was always at work and I spent nearly all my time alone as a kid and I'd hate to do that to my child. I would love them though, definitely, I just want to never be stressed and depressed because I can't afford to give them the things they need for school or go on trips or something.

I'm worrying stupidly I know...

[ccab]

(What was the medical trial?)

[drberbatov]

I would also like to know more about the medical trial, I thought about taking part in one last year but then there was that horrible case last year where a series of people got majorly fucked up with facial deformations, swellings and sores. That put me off quite a bit

[Artemis]

Just to nip this tangent in the bud, the trial was done through these people, testing the compatibility of an already well-tested drug for Alzheimer's disease with everyday common drugs. Two periods of ten days, quite a lot of blood samples, even more hanging about getting bored, no side effects, two and a half grand.

[All Surrogate]

... to hunt in the morning, fish in the afternoon, rear cattle in the evening, criticise after dinner, just as I have a mind, without ever becoming hunter, fisherman, herdsman or critic ...

[sirhenry]

I've been in this position several times and tried various ways of making a decision. The one that worked best for me was to look at it from the opposite point of view: rather than 'what should I do now?' ask yourself what you want to be doing in 10 years time. Just general things like type of work, relationship, city/country, kids, mortgage. This can help focus your ideas and eliminate some options immediately. Then you can look at the list and work out a more coherent way of getting from now till then.

The first time I did this I realised that for me having a home was the most important (I'd been homeless for a while). So with this in mind I talked myself into a high-paid job I was in no way qualified for, then bought a house that needed a lot of work doing to it and worked like hell on both for 3 years and saved every penny I could. In 5 years I owned a beautiful house with no mortgage which has left me free to chase my other dreams ever since.

The long-term view can give you a much better perspective.

[Artemis]

Blimey, you went from homeless to owning a house within five years? That must have been one hell of a high paying job!

Travelling so much and putting that before plotting a career is currently coming back to bite me in the arse. I've applied for 49 jobs, nearly all of them in London, and most people aren't even getting back to me to tell me to fuck off. I have one job, with the Flight Centre, which is glorified sales, but potentially management within twelve months and paying an average of £22K during the first year. If I can get around the referencing (I have an ingenious system used to write my own, since working in porn and being a nanny is hardly CV material, but a multinational company like them may go the extra mile to check, but we'll see) then I may well just take that job, give it a bash for a few months and abandon it if I don't like it. I'll get the interview rescheduled for next week. Every time I see a plane in the sky I feel compelled to get on another one and jet off to Oz, though!

[El Unicornio, mang]

This is a problem of so called "advantages" we have these days. 50+ years ago most people didn't have choices, you pretty much did one thing (usually having a family, working until retirement at the same job) and that was it. People didn't have to worry about "what shall I do" because the choices weren't there, so they made the most of what they had.

I do sympathise, you think that if you do one thing you could be missing out on the other thing. Best thing to do is just make up a list of things that are most important to you, short and long term, and go with that. And remember that whatever happens, you can always give it up and try again. When you find the thing that you're supposed to do to be happy, you'll not be bothered about all the other things, you just need to get to that place.

[thugler]

sounds like a pretty good 'problem' to have to me.

[sirhenry]

Blimey, you went from homeless to owning a house within five years? That must have been one hell of a high paying job!
Not that good - I needed to do one hell of a lot of work on the house and I bought it just before the price boom of the 80's. Luck and sweat - my career plan.

[Small Man Big Horse]

I can really sympathise with you on this one Artemis as it's something I've thought about a lot myself. The problem I find is that there are far fewer options the older you get, with firms quite happy to take on young fresh sexy blood rather than someone who's spent the last decade wasting their life away (I'm talking about myself here btw, god I wish I had spent that much time travelling instead of lurching from one odd job to the next with lots of gaps of unemployment in between). I was lucky back in 2006 to get the Assistant Stage Manager role that I did, but my (still fucking annoying and painful) leg injury has meant that it's impossible for me to do that since, and I probably won't be able to till June or so of this year which is incredibly frustrating. Before that I got turned down for countless job's that I was experienced to do, with the question "Don't you think you've over-qualified for this?" often rearing it's ugly head during interviews.

If you have an area that you're interested in working in I'd suggest doing a couple more medical trials to be honest, and then whore yourself out to as many companies as possible offering yourself as a work experience candidate. That way you can get experience at least, without having to worry about the money side of things too much. I did look in to doing the same, but found that most medical trials require you to be drug free (as in anti-depressants), which sucks.

[Artemis]

Just when I think I'm making progress... today I rescheduled the interview I didn't go to this week for next week, figuring I'll at least check it out. I have a place lined up to move into and the job would start the following week if I got it, even though it's not something I think I'd find overly enjoyable - at least it would get me started in London. But then... I've just discovered that I have enough frequent flyer miles to get a free (one way) trip to Australia, and would only have to pay tax which is £141. That's an incredibly good deal, meaning I could fly over there for practically nothing, do a bit of work for a few months, get the trip back paid for with the tax return I'll get in April, and spend a few months working and occasionally swimming with dolphins etc. - when I get back I'd be paid back by my friend who owed me £2k, and I'd actually be in a better position then I am now, except I'd have to start the job/house hunting process again. However, the job for which the interview is next week is a huge company who have positions available a lot of the time, so the likelihood is I could phone up when I get back and probably pick up where I left off.... a free trip to Australia is very enticing....

[Artemis]

Well, after several weeks of being so close to buggering off to Australia for the umpteenth time that I had my finger on the submit button that would have authorised the charge from my card, I am in London. For the first time, astoundingly, since August 2005, I am now working full time (I've previously been a lazy student working part time, and travelling), and I'm now living in London. After a few months living in New Cross Gate, I'm tentatively considering moving from zone two (New Cross Gate, at £500 + bills) to zone five (Croydon, surely I can get cheaper) where I'll be working. I may not have that "must live in zones one or two" London experience, but I'd be very close to work and could travel into London within 40 minutes or so. Anyway, I'm thinking ahead. Right now, I'm living and working in London. I just wanted to update this thread with that closure, and to thank the several people who have been in touch with encouraging words.

[Lee Van Cleef]

Hmm.  It's certainly comforting knowing I'm not the only person that's felt like this.  Recently I've been almost paralysed by my own fear indecision.  I sent off an application to Nottingham Trent Uni to take a Psychology conversion course with the intention of working towards an MSc and getting accredited so I can eventually become a counselling psychologist.  But I've been umm-ing and ahh-ing over it since I got a letter requesting my confirmation.... I eventually sent it off the other day after I decided that yeah, I am 26, but I've still got some time on my side and if it isn't right for me then it's not right, but at least I'll know.

Those medical trials sound helpful though for getting a bit of cash.  Are they very demanding?

[Artemis]

Lee Van Cleef, I'd confirm, if only to keep all options open. You're not obliged to commit to your confirmation but at least it's there if you want it. As unreal as it feels pre-decision, once you've picked a path, after a week or so, you become content that it's the direction you're going in, even if it doesn't work out. Going in a direction is better then hesitation on the brink of it, although I think it's good to have a plan B or C incase it doesn't work out.

[Suttonpubcrawl]

He already did confirm, that's what he said in his post. Artemis has come home drunk from the pub and he's posting on verbwhores!

[its not cool to be weird]

Well Croydon is a hole, but living in New Cross you'll already have plenty experience of that.

I guess this is the big issue we all face, except for those who already decided to become doctors, lawyers, engineers or firemen early on. Or mothers. I've been stuck for a year between finishing uni with a bad dilemma: do embark on expensive further education to go in the direction of the career I want (journalism), which I really can't afford. Or do I get something safe and well paid, which I could with my degree, and sadly watch my soul disappear down the drain in the process, along with all my interest in life.

I suppose this is a cliche, but you really do only get one shot at life, and I think its better to aim to be that astronaut, or kung fu expert, or revolutionary, or compassionate millionaire, than to spend your life wondering what you might have acheived. I came to decision that whatever I chose to do, if there are problems I'll manage. Now to try to wrangle money out of my parents.

[Artemis]

Well Croydon is a hole, but living in New Cross you'll already have plenty experience of that.

That was encouraging, thanks! NCG certainly isn't brilliant, but it's my first stop in London and after three or four months I'll move on. I haven't visited Croydon yet, but I'll reserve judgement. Housing will be cheaper at least, surely, being zone five instead of zone two. What' a 'hole' for some people is ok for others. NCG is a bit of a dive for me because it's full of derelict or run-down businesses. Croydon sounds more succesful as an area but somewhere people don't tend to like for the number of youths or emo types around. That wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

[Mindbear]

Croydon does have a bad reputation, but it's not that bad, just pick a nicer bit, near the high street with its lots of shops and you'll be fine. If you hate it there's tons of little areas around it that you could live, like Penge etc, all cheap with plenty of transport and easy to get to croydon from. Then you can get your kitten!

[Artemis]

Which bits of London don't have a bad reputation, though. Things seem so territorial here with regards to boroughs; everyone has a bad word to say about everywhere, yet there seem nice bits of everywhere too. When I came home from work tonight, I was reminded that there's no real point to being in New Cross Gate. It's not near work, it's not scenic (some bits are downright grotty, if you turn left out of the station) etc., but it's the first rung on a London ladder and I can use this to view lots of other places at short notice. It's a bit of a work-in-progress, and it'll take a while for me to be happy here I think. I'm happy I'm going in a good direction, but do quite fancy a better, more convenient and pleasant area, already! Heh, I'm not easily pleased. It's all infinitely better then the situation I've just left though.