Author Topic: Antiquated Humour  (Read 2333 times)

Antiquated Humour
« on: April 20, 2004, 03:58:22 PM »
Do you know any jokes that didn't stand the test of time?

Here's mine.

Q. What is six foot high and green?

A. Percy Thrower's Garden


Q. What is pink and doesn't move?

A. Russell Harty's slippers


Q. What is the difference between Ryan Giggs and Ayrton Senna?

A. Ryan Giggs can take corners

mycroft

  • Mmmmm... *eyebrow*
Antiquated Humour
« Reply #1 on: April 20, 2004, 04:00:08 PM »
Q What do you call a man with a hotel on his head?

A Norman Tebbit.



Actually, I still find that quite funny.

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #2 on: April 20, 2004, 04:00:39 PM »
There was the Rocastle/Roy Castle misunderstanding joke which I can't be arsed to type out.  Even if I did now you've already got the punchline.

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2004, 04:01:04 PM »
why did ronald reagan fund the contras?

because he's a cunt

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2004, 04:03:26 PM »
What's brown, rusty and propped up against Canterbury Cathedral?

Terry Waite's bike.

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2004, 04:05:51 PM »
What does Rock Hudson and Frank Bruno have in common?

They both like being battered around the ring.

mycroft

  • Mmmmm... *eyebrow*
Antiquated Humour
« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2004, 04:13:25 PM »
Q What do Jim Davidson and the Queen Mother have in common?

A They both ruin Saturday night telly.

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2004, 04:39:39 PM »
Quote
What's brown, rusty and propped up against Canterbury Cathedral?

Terry Waite's bike


I remember a time when that was the best joke in the world.

My favourite, because it is update-able, is:

Q. What's [insert recently deceased celebrity's name] family getting for Christmas?
A. A smaller turkey.

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #8 on: April 20, 2004, 04:45:22 PM »
Q) An Iraqi and a n**ger walking down the street. Which one do you batter first?
A) The Iraqi. Business before pleasure.

I hate this joke, it was the first one that came to me when i tried to think of old jokes.

fanny splendid

  • Chaos Reigns
Antiquated Humour
« Reply #9 on: April 20, 2004, 05:09:47 PM »
What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts.

What do American astronauts drink?
7up.

Why is a condom like the Herald of Free Enterprise?
They're both roll-on, roll-off, and full of dead seamen.

Why  is Piper Alpha like a dog?
They both go 'woof!'.

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #10 on: April 20, 2004, 05:15:14 PM »
Q. What's Norris McWhirter's family getting for Christmas?
A. A smaller turkey.

Q. What's Carol Keating's family getting for Christmas?
A. A smaller turkey.

Q. What's Bob Monkhouse's family getting for Christmas?
A. A smaller turkey.


You're right you know.

fanny splendid

  • Chaos Reigns
Antiquated Humour
« Reply #11 on: April 20, 2004, 05:25:52 PM »
What's Mr. and Mrs. Turkey getting for Christmas?
Roasted.

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #12 on: April 20, 2004, 05:28:22 PM »
what's the oven getting for christmas?

used

what santa getting for christmas?

tired out

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #13 on: April 20, 2004, 05:30:34 PM »
What's not getting plucked this Christmas?
Jeff Buckley's guitar

What's Michael Jackson's favourite song?
"I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles"

gazzyk1ns

  • "I don't give a shit if your dad's dead or anything else"
Antiquated Humour
« Reply #14 on: April 20, 2004, 05:36:02 PM »
Why is Cantona's back so dirty?

He's been carrying Cole all season.

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #15 on: April 20, 2004, 05:40:01 PM »
Alex Ferguson is giving a team talk, and he's telling all the players about great footballers from the past.
"Has anyone heard o' Pele?" he asks
Everyone nods
"Has anyone heard o' Maradona?" he asks
Everyone nods
Just then, Andy Cole walks in
"Sorry I'm late" he says, and sits down
Ferguson continues:
"Has anyone heard o' Rummenigge?" he asks
Andy Cole goes "No, I haven't heard anything, boss!"

Doesn't really work when it's written down, does it?

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #16 on: April 20, 2004, 05:51:25 PM »
I used to enjoy saying "I need that like Frank Sinatra needs next year's calendar!".

Y'know, about things I didn't need.

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #17 on: April 20, 2004, 05:51:58 PM »
Anyone doing a David Bellamy impersonation.

Joy Nktonga

  • Arkologist
  • Golden Member
  • *****
  • Dub it up blacker than dread!
Antiquated Humour
« Reply #18 on: April 20, 2004, 05:52:50 PM »
Another "out loud" one:

What's worse than Arfur Scargil?

A whole Scargil.

Ahem. Boom, and indeed, boom.

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #19 on: April 20, 2004, 05:55:41 PM »
Quote from: "fanny splendid"
What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts.


Q. What were the last words said on the space shuttle?

A. "Don't press THAT button, Christie!!!"

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #20 on: April 20, 2004, 06:10:33 PM »
Quote from: "Gazeuse"


Q. What were the last words said on the space shuttle?

A. "Don't press THAT button, Christie!!!"


A variation on that is "Go on let the woman have a drive"

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #21 on: April 20, 2004, 07:18:50 PM »
Quote from: "DevlinC"
Q. What's Norris McWhirter's family getting for Christmas?
A. A smaller turkey.


Norris's attempt to be the world's oldest man has failed.

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #22 on: April 20, 2004, 09:26:07 PM »
What did Monica Lewinsky put on her resume?

She sat on the President's staff.


What is the difference between a Mercedes and a Ford?

Princess Di would not be caught dead in a Ford.

Tokyo Sexwhale

  • When I get that feeling, I want Sexwhale healing
Antiquated Humour
« Reply #23 on: April 20, 2004, 09:51:01 PM »
Q: Who was the last man to ride a Derby winner?

A: Lester Piggot's cellmate.


Q: Why do American astronauts drink Coke?

A: They can't get seven up.


Q: Towards the end of his life, what did Roy Castle actually need?

A: Medication.

Tokyo Sexwhale

  • When I get that feeling, I want Sexwhale healing
Antiquated Humour
« Reply #24 on: April 20, 2004, 09:56:17 PM »
Q: What was the last thing to go through Ayrton Senna's mind?

A: The steering column.

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #25 on: April 21, 2004, 09:25:44 AM »
Q: What do the Taliban and Bon Jovi have in common?

A: They are both responsible for atrocities commited in stadiums.



Q: What is Princess Diana's favourite song?

A: "Crash, Bang, Wallop, What a Picture."



Q:  What do the Queen Mother and Princess Diana have in common?

A:  They were both approaching 105 when they died.

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #26 on: April 21, 2004, 09:36:56 AM »
Q: What have Princess Diana and The Spin Doctors got in common?

A: They both died after releasing Two Princes.

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #27 on: April 21, 2004, 10:59:21 AM »
Not a joke as such, but I wonder if Half Man Half Biscuit still play their brilliant track Rod Hull Is Alive - Why?...

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #28 on: April 21, 2004, 11:20:20 AM »
What's pink and smells of ginger?

Fred Astaire's cock.

Antiquated Humour
« Reply #29 on: April 21, 2004, 11:39:32 AM »
To bring this bang up to date...

Q: What will the family of freed nuclear whistleblower Mordechai Vanunu be getting this Christmas for the first time in 18 years?

A: A bigger turkey!