Author Topic: Up Yaws ("Fucking Cunt/Awkward Bastard") anonymous comedy 12" - the revival!  (Read 23224 times)

Lee

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A website's not a bad idea actually. And I could probably host it too. But then with YouTube you've got the whole viral thing happening there too. Plus I'm not interested enough to fork out money for upyaws.com. What about a combo of the two? I'd probably be up for setting something like that up some time soon (unless CS or TH get in touch).

Lee

  • It's discipline that begets love
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Oooh, so that'd be 10pm til midnight this coming Sunday, or from 3am-4am early Monday morning a few hours later

Yeah, that one. I didn't realise there were two.

EDIT: Oh, and here's the lyrics, in case anyone didn't quite catch them.

Quote
Hey man,
You know I just wanna tell you,
Something I've been... dying to tell you.
Feels such a long time.
I wanna tell you right to your face what I think of you.

Now I dunno how to say this,
But you see you have this effect on me.

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt...

I don't wanna put it in words,
Deep and meaningful and sincere, and from the bottom of my heart.

Awkward bastard!

But you know,
I wanna tell you,
That you're about...

You cunt!

...The most repulsive being it's ever been my displeasure to lay my eyes upon.

You fucking cu-unt... (laugh) You cunt!

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt, fucking cunt...

Cunt!

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt, fucking cunt...

You... cunt!

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt...

You're just a cunt!

Awkward bastard!

You cunt.

You cunt, you stupid fucking cu-unt.

You cunt.

You cunt.

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt...

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt...

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt...

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt, fucking cunt, fucking cunt, cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunt!

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt...

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt...

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt...

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt, fucking cunt, fucking cunt, cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunt!

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt...

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt...]

Awkward bastard!

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt...

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt, fucking cunt, fucking cunt, cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunt!

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt...

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt...

Awkward bastard!

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt... (cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt echoed ad infinitum)

Fucking cunt, fucking cunt, fucking cunt, fucking cunt, cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunt!

That's sixty cunts, minus the echoes at the end. Even Fatboy Slim couldn't better that.
« Last Edit: July 31, 2008, 10:51:31 PM by Lee »

Quote
Pancake risks?  Nope, that's no help

HA! a CAB name for anyone who wants to post, but is stuck, in one.

Jemble Fred

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I didn't realise this track was so old – Tony Hawks didn't start his comedy career until about 85, I'm sure.

JesusAndYourBush

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I didn't realise this track was so old – Tony Hawks didn't start his comedy career until about 85, I'm sure.

He wasn't a top ten artist until a few years after 1984 either.

I ruled out Brian Conley as well for not being a top 10 artist, he still isn't, as far as I know (although he could feasibly have got in the top 10 of the album charts with his Jolson thing if he'd released it but that came much later anyway.)

The Damned seems like the best bet so far let's hope Goldentony hears back from the Captain soon.

Ambient Sheep

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I ruled out Brian Conley as well for not being a top 10 artist...

That was always my major objection to the Conley theory (although I have others!), but on the old thread (which would have been round about late January 2002, looking at the dates on the original MP3 (16th Jan) and JPGs (17th Jan)) someone said that he could have had a hit as part of some puppet group or something, but the group was never named so I couldn't check.


The Damned seems like the best bet so far let's hope Goldentony hears back from the Captain soon.

Well that was always the preferred option amongst me and my mates at the time - some of whom were huge Damned fans, one in particular used to follow them around everywhere.  The only mystery is that it sounds like the Captain on backing vocals to me, and yet the later tags on this thread imply that he wasn't directly involved.

I saw The Damned myself down the Harlow Square sometime in late 1999 / early 2000 (Christ, was it that long ago?), and always regret not having the bottle to have asked - or at least to have tried to ask - the Captain myself...but him and Vanian were indulging in quite a bit of "interesting" on-stage banter that night, so I thought it best not to try for the sake of my health!

Godzilla Bankrolls

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I just assumed the words were a wry way of saying "Buck Him And Risk It".

Book 'em and risk it, shurely?

Lee

  • It's discipline that begets love
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Just bumping this so I don't forget to post a new recording of the record later this evening.

Looks like someone's already done the YouTube video though:

[youtube=425,350]http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=hVTf5EpIItQ[/youtube]

Check the comments for additional "laughs" from [banned troll] and friends.

Ambient Sheep

  • I owe lots of people PMs, sorry. Hopefully soon...
Just bumping this so I don't forget to post a new recording of the record later this evening.

Aha, I've been meaning to bump this thread for a while now, to ask you if it arrived and was it in any way different to my copy.  Also to say "Are we taking the Damned's bass-player's girlfriend" story at face-value now, case closed; or are we still investigating?  Did Goldentony ever get a reply?  (I'm guessing not, otherwise he would have said.)



Looks like someone's already done the YouTube video though:

<snip>

Check the comments for additional "laughs" from [banned troll] and friends.

Yes, I only discovered this for myself exactly a week ago.  I put a post about it on the Best Tag thread, since that's where the discovery was made, but I also meant to put a note on here as well, but got called away from the PC and then forgot about it.

Much as I appreciated the "massive props", I'm rather surprised nobody mentioned it on this thread at the time, especially as it was put up on the 1st August, the same day as this thread was last posted to.  Could've done without "coons" and "poofs" in the tags as well.  But still, if it'd been left to me, I still wouldn't have got round to it by now, probably.

Backstage With Slowdive

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I didn't realise this track was so old – Tony Hawks didn't start his comedy career until about 85, I'm sure.

But he was in the Cambridge Footlights in the mid 80s, which places him in the Eastern regions. Stutter Rap was a hit at the end of 1987.

Lee

  • It's discipline that begets love
    • My things.
OK, here it is:

Dedicated to _ _ _ _ _ (320kbps 44.1 kHz MP3, 10.5mb - on a proper server too, not Sendspace or the like)

I'm sure Sheepy won't mind me saying that I think this is a much better recording than the one previously available, mainly because this one has much greater definition in the high end frequencies, and doesn't intermittently drop sound in the left (?) channel. Still mate, it's served us a good 4 or 5 years, hasn't it? :) I've put some information in the Comment section of the ID3 tags too, including the list of rumoured artists and a link to this thread. I should add that I have normalized the levels on this version, however there is a copy of the raw recording from vinyl as a 16/44.1 WAV file, so if any of you purists want that, give me a shout and I'll bung it on Sendspace. Also, if anyone knows how to set up a click-counter (one that doesn't require CCount - that's already fucked up on me) can they get in touch please. Thanks.

Nothing further to add except Tony Hawks didn't reply to my email. However, I am seeing him live in a couple of weeks time in Colchester, so if the opportunity arises...

FAKE EDIT: Sheepy - my copy didn't come with any of the stickers you've previously described, just a plain black disco sleeve. Other than that it's all the same - same labels, same run-out groove. And I'm assuming that, like most of the tags on this forum, the suggestions about the Damned's bass player's ex are no more substantiated than any of the current guesses, or indeed the suggestion that Ian Beale has a large penis. Unless the tagger can prove it, of course. (The Damned stuff, not the bit about Beale's cock obviously.)

it'll be someone on this list if book em really is a clue http://ftvdb.bfi.org.uk/sift/title/56233?view=cast . must confess most of them before my time. I'd imagine music guy Kenny Clayton was involved if it is connected.

it'll be someone on this list if book em really is a clue http://ftvdb.bfi.org.uk/sift/title/56233?view=cast . must confess most of them before my time. I'd imagine music guy Kenny Clayton was involved if it is connected.


Ooooooooh, that's a good find, Sir.  Well, from looking at the list of names on that page, and hearing the song again, is it out of the realms of possibility to suggest that it sounds like it could well be The Oblivion Boys?  (Stephen Frost and Mark Arden).

Whaddya reckon? Listen to it again and put their faces to the voices.


EDIT: Cheers for the new spruced-up mp3 by the way, Lee.
« Last Edit: November 05, 2008, 11:59:44 PM by Beep Cleep Chimney »

Lee

  • It's discipline that begets love
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Actually, listening to the new version on headphones it's obvious there's a lot of hiss on there, so I'll try and clean that up at some point.

Stephen - that's an excellent discovery. And the Oblivion Boys do sound like a very real possibility. Check out this video of them from 1986:

[youtube=425,350]http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=kYIXdNc3XQY[/youtube]

Listen to the voices... Could these be our men?

I reckon they could well be involved y'know.
I was listening to the track a few times at work today on the iPod and there's bits where it really does sound like them, and bits when it doesn't.

The initial Barry White-ish bit sounds like it could be Mark Arden, right up to the bit where he breaks up laughing.  Then when the first few "Yoooooooooooou Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant!" bits start, it sounds a bit too high pitched to be either of them. But then a bit later, some of the "Fucking Cunt.....Fucking Cunt" backing vocals sound an awful lot like Steve Frost.

This is REEEALLY frustrating!!!!!!

Absolutely love the track though.


TJ

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it'll be someone on this list if book em really is a clue http://ftvdb.bfi.org.uk/sift/title/56233?view=cast . must confess most of them before my time. I'd imagine music guy Kenny Clayton was involved if it is connected.


Robert Llywellyn, who has been named as a potential culprit for this before, was one of 'The Joeys'...

Ambient Sheep

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Hello again.  Apologies in advance for the length of this post, but there's a lot to get through.

Firstly, thank you Lee for your better quality recording (seems to be at a better speed too!), and the MP3 tag description should prove useful!  Perhaps if you do release a less hissy version (or even if you don't), could you please put "Unknown Top-Ten Artist" into the Artist tag, that way we could track it alongside mine on Last.Fm.  You never know who we might find playing it!

(Which is a good point, I'll write up some words about it on that Last.Fm page.)


FAKE EDIT: Sheepy - my copy didn't come with any of the stickers you've previously described...

Well I wouldn't expect it to.  If you re-read my original post, you'll see that they were put on by the record shop themselves, using common-or-garden stickers that you can buy from any stationers.  They simply stuck them onto the clear outer plastic sleeve that they used for all their vinyl.

(Perhaps I need to explain that in those days all the actual vinyl was kept behind the counter, with just the empty outer sleeve, inside a clear plastic sleeve, put out on display.  When you brought your record to the counter, if it wasn't the last one, they just got you a fresh one from behind the counter (which is what happened to me, and how I knew they had five of them); if it WAS the last one, then they'd get the record in its inner sleeve from behind the counter, reunite it with the outer sleeve you'd got from the shop, and give it to you.  It wasn't until the advent of the big megastores and door-alarms that shops actually started putting complete product out onto the shelves; this was a gradual process that happened between the late-80s and the mid-90s.  Sorry if you knew all that, being a DJ I assumed you would, but it suddenly occurred to me that you weren't even born when I bought this record, which is fucking scary!)


...just a plain black disco sleeve.

Yup, same here, plain black disco sleeve, with a plain white paper inner sleeve.  The stickers and the plastic outer sleeve stayed in the shop, as was normal practice, ready for the next purchaser.


And I'm assuming that, like most of the tags on this forum, the suggestions about the Damned's bass player's ex are no more substantiated than any of the current guesses

Well you say that, but it does seem rather specific information.  I'm not saying that the two subsequent tags assigning the specific vocal duties might not be jokes (especially as I seem to remember that they appeared a couple of hours later than the first), but I can't imagine why the original tag wouldn't be genuine, can you?  It's not a joke, or a meme, just an apparent statement of fact.  Why would somebody add that tag if it wasn't true?  Unless they knew who it really was, and were trying to throw us off the scent...


it'll be someone on this list if book em really is a clue http://ftvdb.bfi.org.uk/sift/title/56233?view=cast . must confess most of them before my time. I'd imagine music guy Kenny Clayton was involved if it is connected.

Yes, that is an excellent find, and that now makes sense of Godzilla Bankrolls' comment three months ago, which I now assume was trying to point out the same thing to me, but at the time, between its terseness and my ignorance, managed to completely pass me by.


Robert Llywellyn, who has been named as a potential culprit for this before, was one of 'The Joeys'...

When I first saw that list a couple of days ago, I noticed The Joeys on it as well, and thought the same for a moment, until I remembered that Robert Llewellyn has officially denied it.


I also noticed The Oblivion Boys in that list, but ruled them out on a couple of grounds.  Firstly, because - and I seem to be in a minority on this - it doesn't bloody well sound like them!  Although, listening to it again, I agree that actually, that COULD well be Steve Frost doing the "fucking cunt" backing vocals later on.  Totally disagree about the Mark Arden intro though, and the main abusive vocal sounds like neither of them to me.  Maybe Steve Frost was in the studio that day, yes.

However, my second objection is that Arden & Frost weren't top-ten artists.  To go back to my first post again, the record shop wrote on their sticker:

File under: 'ONE-
SIDED 12" by UNKNOWN
TOP-TEN ARTIST'


Note the quotes.  That text was supplied to them by somebody.  At worst it would have been a sales rep saying to them "it's a one-sided 12" by an unknown top-ten artist", but unless it was a completely under-the-counter jobby, I'm assuming that's the name under which it was supplied to them for accounting purposes.

So, given the fact that (a) many people (especially at the time) say/said it sounds like The Damned, (b) they were a top-ten artist at the time, (c) they were well-known for doing secret off-label releases, (d) we have a tagger who's said so with no obvious motivation for lying, I still have not much reason to doubt that it was indeed (some of) The Damned, although that doesn't explain the "BUCKIM + RISKIT" run-out groove, nor the fact that it does sound rather like Steve Frost doing the backing vocals.

I guess the jury's still out, but I'm still very much in The Damned camp.


Nice to see you, TJ, by the way.

TJ

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Good to see you too sir! Only a flying visit really, but I'm as fascinated by this track as anyone...

Yeah, I must admit I forgot about the whole "Unknown Top-Ten Artist" angle when I suggested The Oblivion Boys.  It was just that they seemed to be the ones that jumped out at me when stephenjwz posted the link to that "Book 'Em An' Risk It" info.

And on further listening, I'd agree that maybe Mark Arden isn't such a strong contender after all.

C'est la vie.

This is infuriating!!!!!  I need CLOSURE on this!

Of course The Damned and Steve Frost were in the same episode of The Young Ones in 1984... the plot dilutes...

Ambient Sheep

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Of course The Damned and Steve Frost were in the same episode of The Young Ones in 1984... the plot dilutes...

Hehehe...indeed it does...you can imagine it now: " 'ere Steve, we're doing a funny track later, and need a few extra backing singers, you up for it mate?".  Or am I just imagining a fantasy rock'n'roll'n'comedy showbiz age that never really existed?  ;-)

I wish I could remember the exact date I bought it.  It's possible I have that written down somewhere, y'know.


This is infuriating!!!!!  I need CLOSURE on this!

You need closure?!?!  I've been looking for closure on this for nearly 25 years now...  :-)

I've been finding the whole study of this rare track to be fantastic as well.  I know you guys want closure, but consider those of us who have been reading the story for years, are quite familiar with the 'ins' and 'outs' of the story, and are reading this as third parties to you on this web board.

Not only do we want closure on the overall story, we want closure for you guys.  It's a bit like the Truman Show where Truman knows there's something going on, and we know something's going on, and he doesn't know what it is and neither do most of the audience.  I want to help you, but I can't, and I'm sorry for that, but I want to see you reach that triumphant point of realisation which proves that you were right in your beliefs after all, and ultimately you win

Please win, and discover the truth behind the track.  Someone must know where it has come from.

Glad I've at least added some interest if not closure. Only knew it was a show as Llewellyn mentions it in his autobiography. Reason I mentioned Clayton was he's a jazz guy who did the show and the first post mentions smooth jazz, thought perhaps he was a link. I don't think the list is exhaustive - Llewellyn mentions "Norman Lovett, Ben Elton, Mac McDonald and a host of others I can no longer recall" being in it so I reckon you can put anyone from 80s comedy in the frame, plus maybe your band if the show had a bit of Saturday Live esque variety (it did have a mime artist on it apparently but i've found nothing on bands as yet). Or could be a massive red herring (n. overheated or embarassed lee counterpart).

I don't know the celebrities involved, but by a 'six-degrees-of-separation' method, surely someone knows the people who are rumoured to be responsible?  Can't someone just ask them?

I'm just saying that sometimes people overlook the obvious :) .

Jemble Fred

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Ooh, I dunno, you'd have to try and break through Mark Arden's solid protective ring of minders, agents and personal assistants to put in a request for an interview window. They're not of our element, these celebs.

Oh, well fucking forget it then.  Forget I even fucking thought of the idea.  God forbid I should try and help with a tangential suggestion that some of you may not have thought of.  No, that's not good enough for you.  You carry on with your idea that these celebrities are in their own fucking field of celebrity dreams.

I tell you fucking what, the next time I see Robert Llewellyn fucking around in a field of robots, I'LL FUCKING ASK HIM, SEEING AS YOU'RE TOO SCARED TO!!!

Lee

  • It's discipline that begets love
    • My things.
He's doing a book signing in Chelmsford on Wednesday; I'll save you the bother.

(Even though he's already said it's not him.)

So, on Friday after reading this i did some searching on Mark Arden and Steve Frost and found a website representing them for voice work, i contacted the site giving basic details about the 411 here, i said it was a mystery recording needing to be talked about for a comedy website and didnt give any titles, the words FUCKING CUNT AWKWARD BASTARD probably wouldnt have got me a reply.

Today the guy got back to me saying he has passed on the details to them both and hopefully they will get back, if they do obviously ill get whatever i know from here and see if they know anything. Even if they don't i guess you can get rid of them from the suspects.


Excellent work, sir.  Cheers for doing that.

Let's hope they do reply so that, at the very least, they can be eliminated from our enquiries.

Lee

  • It's discipline that begets love
    • My things.
No point posting it at the end of the page...