The 21 Words Of Xmas...

[Jemble Fred]

yer arse in the back of the sleigh and let's go!"

And so all the men in Reindeer costumes valiantly galloped

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

off.

"Now, Datsun! Now, Donald! Now, Mincer and Hitler! On, Currys! On, Dixons! On Bealecock and Glitter!"

And, leading them all,

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

J.K, a wonky-mouthed, self-obsessed reindeer that Santa just couldn't get rid off. "There's nothing wrong with buggering boys!" cried

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

a recently-buggered boy, crying.

All of the other men-dressed-as-reindeer used to laugh and call JK names. They

[Ginyard]

never let poor JK, join in any macho games. Then one foggy, xmas eve, santa came to say: 'JK, with you cock

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

in my arse like that, I can't get down the chimney.'

Then all the reindeer loved him and they shouted out

[Ginyard]

"give us some of your bi juice you charterhouse pampered old nonce". However, as JK was leading the chain of man-reindeers,

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

he quite suddenly died from an untreated chinese burn he'd received days earlier.

Unfortunately, this didn't stop the rampant reindeer from

[Jemble Fred]

swooping up into the night sky with a jangle of bells and a blast of 'Here Come The Girls' by Girls

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

: Here They Come, the oddly specific manufactured girl band.

Ascending through the billowing clouds, Santa prepared for the long night ahead

[Little Hoover]

by eating sweet corn, cold, straight from the can. And then he washed this down with a hot steaming mug of

[Ginyard]

bovril before embarking on his annual paedo fest. He spied the chimmney of his first victim and promptly set his reindeer

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

some tricky sums to keep them occupied - and less inclined to call the cops, narky, grass reindeer that they were.

"Ho

[Ballad of Ballard Berkley]

Chi Minh!" yelped little Johnny Studerbaker, using his favourite cry of joy.  "Is that Santa I see? Blue Teddy! Look up

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

your daughters!"

Blue Teddy, as usual, didn't react to this bizarre exclamation. He lay there, as if lifeless, biding his time

[Jemble Fred]

like any good inanimate stuffed toy.

There on the mantlepiece were the gifts for Santa – a mince pie, carrot for JK,

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

 kiwi for Shuffletips, digital camera each for the other Reindeer-men, and - for Our Lord Jesus - the traditional festive sacrifice of

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

the village Baptist.

Satisfied that the household had paid sufficient homage to his demonic chimney creeping prowess, Santa began to liberally

[Jemble Fred]

reconsider his paedo mission forevermore, and remembered that he actually meant 'speedo mission', for he had brought swimming trunks to all

[Ginyard]

the children in the land and wasn't prepared to break with that tradition any time soon. "Paedo/speedo, women/shoes, islamic terrorist/paradise

[Jemble Fred]

applicants, all blooming wanting their pressies."

Father Christmas stood on the snowy roof and gazed out over the chimneypots of Tits-Titsford

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

. Thinking about it, he couldn't quite remember why he'd stolen them all, but reasoned that he'd been drunk on free sherry

[Ginyard]

and that they'd be useful in target practise, to steady his confidence in negotiations with the mujahideen. Whenever he'd visited Afghanistan,

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

his erstwhile crimefighting partner, in the Retirement Home for Little Known, Geographically Named Sidekicks, Afghanistan always insisted: "Steal Chimneypots, old friend."

[Jemble Fred]

Anyway, nostalgia abated, dear old Father Christmas pinched his nose, took a deep breath, and plummeted down the chimbley. In no

[the midnight watch baboon]

time at all, obviously nothing happened, however in the seventeen hours it took Fathy C to descend an inch, JK

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

Rowling had made another seventeen million pounds. Santa reflected on this, and the fact that he earned fuck all, but worked

[Sexton Brackets Drugbust]

every night for the rest of the year as a pole dancer, just to make ends meet. Still, it was a

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

good anecdote: he could get a few groans from the word 'pole' - technically a triple entendre - and some generous tips from

[Ginyard]

Peter Stringfellow, his very best friend.

Bertram Peni listened intensely at the strange noises coming from his chimney. "Shit, the old bill