Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 28, 2024, 11:03:34 PM

Login with username, password and session length

things on tv you know only you've seen and you'll never see them again

Started by Cack Hen, December 26, 2008, 03:27:05 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Cack Hen

most likely late at night

i love it when i see something brilliantly shit, but then after think 'well nobody will have been watching that' like last night i couldn't sleep so i put five on, expecting quizzlestickmania but instead got a film. it was about a vietnamese teenage girl who's father (not real dad, some redneck guy) gets put in prison and she has to live with this christian couple who are mental. there's really odd scenes like the christian mum giving a bath to this girl (she's about 16!). and one bit where the girl lies in the garden at night in her robe under the sprinklers smoking a cigarette, then the dad comes out and says 'I SEE YOU! GOD SEES YOU!' then inexplicably starts wrestling with her and saying 'YOU VIETNAMESE GIRLS ARE ALL THE SAM, SUCKY SUCKY!' then the mum comes out and the all link arms and scream 'MERCY!' to the sky. then later, for no reason, the girl sees her redneck daddy in a car outside and jumps out the window and chases the car driving away with her arms extended, crying 'take me with you!' but it's just so badly acted and it goes on forever, i couldn't stop laughing.

but see i know one day i'll mention it and somebody will say OH I SAW THAT TOO and we'll live happily ever after

other stuff is public information films, like the one with the old couple who get burnt to death in their beds. scared the shit out of me, although i think one person here said they've seen that.

another one was tv offal, when i was a kid i really didn't expect to see that again. well done interman.

purlieu

'Splitting Cells', comedy pilot on BBC3 set in a prison in the future.  The utter epitome of 'dark' comedy, and the single most humourless thing I have ever seen.  Its terribleness was a work of art in itself, and it made me genuinely uncomfortable to watch.
Never come across anyone who saw it, though.

Tokyo Sexwhale

The Assassinator - although I know at least 5 other people have seen it, because they've rated it on imdb.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0819824/

I saw this about 15 years ago on cable - I think it was called The Home Movie Channel.

Anyway, John St Ryan (who played Charlie, the truck-driving boyfriend of Bet Lynch for a few episodes)  plays an "assassinator" - it starts off with him killing a businessman in  Manchester.  The businessman's young son (about 8 years old) sees the assassinatoring.

The rest of the film sees him going around Manchester assassinating, until he gets a job assassinating in Hong Kong (I think).  Incredibly, he is gunned down in Hong Kong by the young son of the businessman!

It is not explained how the young boy managed to arrange for The Assassinator to be in Hong Kong, how he got to Hong Kong on his own, got a gun, or became such a deadly shot.

Usually, I'd spoiler that sort of stuff but that film will NEVER be shown again.

EDIT: Oh, and apparently it features Renato, from "Renee and Renato" FAME!

Cack Hen

oh i remember another one! people definitely have seen this one, but on the whole, most haven't

man in the mirror: the michael jackson story

this is a post i made elsewhere, over a year ago:

Spoiler alert
I was just flciking around the vast wasteland of digital chanells when I stumbled upon Man in the Mirror: The Michael Jackson Story. I only managed to see the final 30 minutes, but my god it was hysterically incredible. I just checked IMDB - and amazingly - MJ actually had nothing to do with this movie, but it's so heavily portrayed in his favour you wouldn't believe. At times I wasn't sure if it was just a flatout parody, but it can't be; there wasn't no exaggeration played for laughs - it was like propaganda. The guy playing Jackson had rubber all over his face but he somehow looked better than Jackson actually does. I urge you to download this.

Some of my favourite moments included-

[Michael just finishes a gig and runs backstage to a group huddle]

Michael: Oh WOW! That was so great! Quick, tell me the exact time. I will never forget this day.

Manager: It's just gone midnight, September 11, 2001

[cut to a television showing the planes fly into the world trade centre]

Michael: oh...oh my...oh my GOD!! [starts crying] what about all the relatives, the children...oh this...this can't be happening. This is it! This is armageddon!

Woman: Oh no, this is the start of the end!

Michael: take the kids. Take them away.


-----------


[Michael watches the news at home]

News reader: Michael Jackson has creatively named his new born son, (something the third) but sources tell us that Michael calls the child blanket!. That's certainly a better name!

Michael: [talking to the TV] What? He's called blanket because he's like a blanket of love, everybody knows that! This is so unfair. Why do they say this stuff?

Manager: Come on Michael, just don't pay any attention. You've got to stop this.

Michael: Right that's it. Get me Bashir - I'm doing a documentary.

(the way he delivers that line is amazing)


---------


Then this guy turns up acting the part of Bashir and he's borderline cockney. And then the documentary wraps up after a few scenes of Michael acting normally. Cut to Michael and his kids watching the documentary in a home-cinema with popcorn, and the documentary is edited to make MJ look bad much like that bit in The Simpsons where they stitch Homer up as a pervert. He freaks out. It's gold. MJ: DADDY CAN FIX ANYTHING!

Then they do the baby out of the balcony bit. You see MJ playing ridiculously over-the-top games with his kids when he realises his fans are screaming his name outside. He does nothing for a bit, then calmly and carefully picks his baby up and walks towards the window, they then cut to footage of the actual incident where MJ actually looks insane, then back to the film where he calmly walks back in but then he realises what he's done. While you can hear an audio collage of the media attacking him, there's this spiritual-esque music playing as he walks past each of his children and puts his hand on ther shoulders as if to say "daddy is jesus, he can sort this" and there's this big moment where they do montages and fades and all that shit of the media crushing down on his soul.

It was made before his trial ended, so they ended on him standing on top of a van outside court just staring at his fans while Diana Ross (she actually makes a cameo) telepathically gave him a speech about how he shouldn't give up

It's every bit as ridiculous as it sounds. And it does sound like a parody, doesn't it? But it isn't, you'll have to see it to get what I mean but trust me.
[close]



buttgammon

That Prezzie Show. A low-budget late-night ITV show reviewing gift ideas which I saw during a bout of insomnia when I was still in primary school.

My abiding memory of it is the mention of a breast-shaped pillow called the 'titty pillow'. I was about eleven in the time and ended up taping it so I could show my friends the filthier presents.

Small Man Big Horse

I remember that, it was truly terrible, with the world's smallest production budget, but it could be funny in an "as long as you only watch it for three minutes when very drunk" kind of way.

I was a big fan of The Haunted Fishtank, which was on around the same time. A tv review show featuring Ed Hall, it was similar to Tv Burp / In Bed With MeDinner, and always a lot of fun. On the back of it I always thought Hall would go on to bigger and better things, but bar the odd bit of rubbish for Sky he seems to have largely disappeared these days.

SOTS

Quote from: Cack Hen on December 26, 2008, 03:55:44 PM
oh i remember another one! people definitely have seen this one, but on the whole, most haven't

man in the mirror: the michael jackson story

I watched that when it popped up on the TrueMovies channel. But mainly because I remembered your post about it and couldn't pass up a chance of seeing the thing. It's a bit mental.

Cack Hen

i knew it was on dvd but it was about £17 last time i checked. well worth £5.

weekender

There was a programme on ITV late-night in 1997 called Planet Mirth.  It was a 'sci-fi comedy' show, and nearly every week it was fucking awful.

It gained a cult following amongst a few of us when I was at university, we used to try and guess the punchlines whilst playing pool in the student common room.  It had people like Ben Moor and Milton Jones in it, both of whom I find quite amiable, but this show really was piss-poor.

Then, incredibly, there was this one episode which really worked from start to finish.  The poor comedy characters came into their own, delivered really funny lines with impeccable timing.  There was great interaction, the whole thing was actually really, really funny.  We stopped playing pool and watched it, wondering "Why haven't they done this every week?".

I know three other people saw it, but I do wonder if many other people saw this one episode.  Would have been on about 1-2am I think, same sort of time schedule as 'Focus North', but that's a story for another day.

Deadeye Dick

Quote from: purlieu on December 26, 2008, 03:38:21 PM
'Splitting Cells', comedy pilot on BBC3 set in a prison in the future.  The utter epitome of 'dark' comedy, and the single most humourless thing I have ever seen.  Its terribleness was a work of art in itself, and it made me genuinely uncomfortable to watch.
Never come across anyone who saw it, though.

Sadly, you're not the only one: utterly miserable stuff that seemed to labour under the delusion that futuristic cannabalism + tenth-rate stand-ups = comedy gold.  One of those rare moments in life where you can't turn over the channel because the shitness infects your very soul.  Mind you, that Jackson film does seem something of a forgotten goldmine...

Braintree

Quote from: Cack Hen on December 26, 2008, 10:19:21 PM
i knew it was on dvd but it was about £17 last time i checked. well worth £5.

For anyone who hasn't seen it the pictures alone make it worth that £5

http://www.vh1.com/photos/gallery/?fid=1488725&thumbnails=true

Lee Van Cleef

The Corner was like this to me when I saw it in 2003/04 on C4 at something like 2am in the morning.  I was watching it and thought "man this is bleak, but there's something really good about it..." and then wondering if anyone else had seen it.

I also caught a number of bad US sitcoms in those uni days, such as Grounded for Life.

Oh and about two or three weeks ago I was doing a night shift supporting a tetraplegic, and the woman I was working with was from Africa.  Anyway, about halfway through the night she was doing something else, but had left the Nigeria Movies Sky channel on.  Holy fuck, whatever that film was it was bad.  It seemed to revolve around a few different groups of people that had absolutely no relation to each other, one group consisted of a woman and her husband who seemed to constantly have messed up dreams about suicide or killing one another, and eventually the bloke hung himself... Then at the end this random bloke was sat at a desk, speaking into a phone, clearly reading his script from an autocue.  The final moments of the scene consisted of him sat in silence holding the phone to his ear apparently still reading the autocue, even though he had nothing to say.  I tell you, watching that whilst slipping in and out of light sleep was truly a disturbing experience.

lactating man nips

I remember The Haunted Fishtank (which I also enjoyed SMBH) and Planet Mirth (which I never really watched, wishing there were something better on, but i always think of it when I see Ben Moore in anything else.)

There is a film I saw once on channel 5 which a friend and I watched whilst on the phone. It was amazing. It featured this guy I recognised from many crappy tv movies channel 5 would show in the afternoons, I don't know what his name is but he seemed to be the king of ropey tv movies.

The film was a kind of buddy movie. The king of tv movies (or as I shall now call him TKOTM) was a cop or something and he was teamed up with another guy who was an alien.

Anyway, the main thing I remember was an action scene. It was hilarious seeing TKOTM dressed up to look like some kind of badass cop, having seen him only in dull romance type roles before. But the moment that prompted uncontrollable laughter from my friend and I was when TKOTM started firing dual pistols in slow-mo in some kind of awful attempt at John Woo style gun play. Then the alien man started screaming and then projecting some poor cgi shockwave things from his mouth to take out the bad guys.

I've been searching for this film for years but have never found it, having nothing more to go on than what you have read above.

PaulTMA

Sometime in the mid-90s, the BBC broadcast a 999 Lifesavers-esque reenacted show telling the story of a young man who began drinking in pubs at the age of 11, growing into an abusive, violent and destructive booze-monster.  Intercut with the supposedly reformed man recounting his dreadful actions were recreated clips featuring an actor's portrayal of his worst moments on the drink.   The most memorable scene involved the actor repeatedly hollering "I AM GOD!" into the bathroom mirror in a manner that can only be described as downright weird.   The show ended with the real man claiming his life was saved and now on the straight and narrow -  only for an end credits voice-over to announce that since the program been filmed, he had actually fallen off the wagon and had been imprisoned for a violent attack, thus rendering the whole point of the show a complete waste of time.  I remember finding about two people who had also seen this, however I regret not noting down the show's name as it appears to be lost in the midsts of time's 'laughable rubbish' bin.

Phil_A

Quote from: lactating man nips on December 27, 2008, 12:41:09 AM

There is a film I saw once on channel 5 which a friend and I watched whilst on the phone. It was amazing. It featured this guy I recognised from many crappy tv movies channel 5 would show in the afternoons, I don't know what his name is but he seemed to be the king of ropey tv movies.

The film was a kind of buddy movie. The king of tv movies (or as I shall now call him TKOTM) was a cop or something and he was teamed up with another guy who was an alien.

Anyway, the main thing I remember was an action scene. It was hilarious seeing TKOTM dressed up to look like some kind of badass cop, having seen him only in dull romance type roles before. But the moment that prompted uncontrollable laughter from my friend and I was when TKOTM started firing dual pistols in slow-mo in some kind of awful attempt at John Woo style gun play. Then the alien man started screaming and then projecting some poor cgi shockwave things from his mouth to take out the bad guys.

I've been searching for this film for years but have never found it, having nothing more to go on than what you have read above.

I think I know this! It sounds like it could be Earth Alien(aka Endangered Species) starring Eric Roberts and Arnold Vosloo out of "The Mummy", a staple of charity shops across the land.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0302531/

QuoteJohn Rhys-Davies and Eric Roberts star in this eerie nail-biter about a pair of police detectives who find their murder investigation taking a supernatural twist the digger they deep(?). Written and directed by Kevin S. Tenney, Endangered Species follows the pair of cops as they search for the killer behind a gruesome series of slayings. Before long they stumble upon a connection between the murders and an alien war.

lactating man nips

Thanks Phil, sadly that's not it. I'm a great fan of Mr Vosloo and he definitely wasnt in it, nor anyone else as famous as he, John Rhys-Davies or Eric Roberts.

SOTS

There are quite a few odd films I watched during school that I no-one else I know has ever seen and i'm sure I will never see again.

From primary school, there was a series of videos about the human body, with two people named Blod and Bob. You didn't hear them speak because the whole series was narrated by a tiny woman in a yellow shellsuit that used to go inside their bodies and find out what was going on. Of course, this also tied into sex education, because Blod and Bob were a couple and Blod had gotten pregnant. So after all the trips to the various areas of their bodies (a highlight episode being one on the artery with red and white frisbees flying past the little shellsuit lady, representing red and white blood cells),  we were treated to the joy of the birth. Complete with a short but rathergraphicforabunchofelevenyearoldkids labour scene. Euch. To date, the only other person I know that watched this is school was a friend of mine from a primary in the same town, but that's it. I can't remember the name of it which is a pain in the arse and means I can't really search online.

In high school, we spent a lot of time in Modern Studies watching documentaries or news reports relating to politics or sociological matters. One video that me and my friend remember from the class is a documentary called Kelly And Her Sisters. It was a doc about a poor family living on an estate, focusing mainly on Kelly. Her mum didn't work, her dad had an argument with the bloke at the job centre about bus driving jobs and she seemed to have loads of sisters too. It was pretty fucking bleak to be honest. The dad had built the kids beds out of old shabby kitchen cabinets, and throughout the filming, Kelly had a birthday. The only present she wanted for her whole birthday was a Poo-Chi robot dog, which were a popular toy at the time and cost about £10, maybe £15 at most. Of course, Kelly didn't get her robot dog, and instead was given a pack of multicoloured knickers. The documentary ended with one of the girls giving an acapella version of Geri Halliwell's "Mi Chico Latino" to camera.

GoochDogHigh5s

What was that cheap crap that used to be on late on a Friday and Saturday night, with students showing you how to cook cheap meals ,with plenty of 'whacky' camera angles?

That were shite



surreal

Quote from: Cack Hen on December 26, 2008, 03:55:44 PM
oh i remember another one! people definitely have seen this one, but on the whole, most haven't

man in the mirror: the michael jackson story

this is a post i made elsewhere, over a year ago:

Spoiler alert
I was just flciking around the vast wasteland of digital chanells when I stumbled upon Man in the Mirror: The Michael Jackson Story. I only managed to see the final 30 minutes, but my god it was hysterically incredible. I just checked IMDB - and amazingly - MJ actually had nothing to do with this movie, but it's so heavily portrayed in his favour you wouldn't believe. At times I wasn't sure if it was just a flatout parody, but it can't be; there wasn't no exaggeration played for laughs - it was like propaganda. The guy playing Jackson had rubber all over his face but he somehow looked better than Jackson actually does. I urge you to download this.

Some of my favourite moments included-

[Michael just finishes a gig and runs backstage to a group huddle]

Michael: Oh WOW! That was so great! Quick, tell me the exact time. I will never forget this day.

Manager: It's just gone midnight, September 11, 2001

[cut to a television showing the planes fly into the world trade centre]

Michael: oh...oh my...oh my GOD!! [starts crying] what about all the relatives, the children...oh this...this can't be happening. This is it! This is armageddon!

Woman: Oh no, this is the start of the end!

Michael: take the kids. Take them away.


-----------


[Michael watches the news at home]

News reader: Michael Jackson has creatively named his new born son, (something the third) but sources tell us that Michael calls the child blanket!. That's certainly a better name!

Michael: [talking to the TV] What? He's called blanket because he's like a blanket of love, everybody knows that! This is so unfair. Why do they say this stuff?

Manager: Come on Michael, just don't pay any attention. You've got to stop this.

Michael: Right that's it. Get me Bashir - I'm doing a documentary.

(the way he delivers that line is amazing)


---------


Then this guy turns up acting the part of Bashir and he's borderline cockney. And then the documentary wraps up after a few scenes of Michael acting normally. Cut to Michael and his kids watching the documentary in a home-cinema with popcorn, and the documentary is edited to make MJ look bad much like that bit in The Simpsons where they stitch Homer up as a pervert. He freaks out. It's gold. MJ: DADDY CAN FIX ANYTHING!

Then they do the baby out of the balcony bit. You see MJ playing ridiculously over-the-top games with his kids when he realises his fans are screaming his name outside. He does nothing for a bit, then calmly and carefully picks his baby up and walks towards the window, they then cut to footage of the actual incident where MJ actually looks insane, then back to the film where he calmly walks back in but then he realises what he's done. While you can hear an audio collage of the media attacking him, there's this spiritual-esque music playing as he walks past each of his children and puts his hand on ther shoulders as if to say "daddy is jesus, he can sort this" and there's this big moment where they do montages and fades and all that shit of the media crushing down on his soul.

It was made before his trial ended, so they ended on him standing on top of a van outside court just staring at his fans while Diana Ross (she actually makes a cameo) telepathically gave him a speech about how he shouldn't give up

It's every bit as ridiculous as it sounds. And it does sound like a parody, doesn't it? But it isn't, you'll have to see it to get what I mean but trust me.
[close]


This is on the Hallmark Channel today for anyone with access to that:

Quote
Man in the Mirror: the Michael Jackson Story
Film
2 stars!

Saturday 27 December
6:00pm - 8:00pm
Hallmark

Biopic tracing the singer's extraordinary life, from his humble beginnings and meteoric rise to global pop domination, to his demise with the allegations of child molestation in one of America's most notorious court cases.

buttgammon

I think I mentioned it before but when I started college, my English class was shown a video about dialects and accents with Craig Charles and Adam Woodyatt. I genuinely regret the fact that I will almost certainly never see it again even though I thought it was shit at the time. Total shite but also absolutely hilarious.

non capisco

Someone posted a great example on here ages ago that I wished I'd seen, I think they said it was part of 'Tonight With Trevor MacDonald', a reportage on the rise of GHB use in clubs. Something about an interview with a heavy user explaining how GHB had fucked them up, illustrated with her hallucinating a witch coming out of the wall telling her to yank out her teeth. You apparently saw an actress doing this with a classic costumed witch cackling away in the background and the needless caption 'THIS IS A RECONSTRUCTION' in the bottom corner. Is whoever posted that still here? It made me laugh a lot at the time.

I remember 'Planet Mirth' and its equally painful satirical late-night equivalent 'Stuff The Week'. A more recent example of that sort of thing is 'Shoot The Writers', which was meant to be sketches sent in by viewers performed by 'a crack cast of comics' and which ended up as some Christmas cracker gags performed by some people who 'Planet Mirth' and 'Stuff The Week' had probably rejected.

The one and only episode of 'Tip Top TV' might possibly fall into this category, with Kid Tempo and the Ginger Prince interviewing an uneasy looking Eternal on a spaceship insterspersed with some people dancing in bear costumes. Someone at school was babbling excitedly about it the next day thinking it had been some kind of guerilla transmission a la the bloke in the States that interrupted Dr Who dressed as Max Headroom.


Cack Hen


Morrisfan82

Who here saw Tommy Cooper die on live television? I did.

Weird how no clips of it have surfaced (as far as I know), in this Youtube age and all that.

Cack Hen

i really do pity the fool who's missing this man in the mirror thing

i forgot how hilarious the costumes/makeup are, absolute 50p budget.

Tokyo Sexwhale

Quote from: Muteki on December 27, 2008, 06:02:22 PM
Who here saw Tommy Cooper die on live television? I did.

Weird how no clips of it have surfaced (as far as I know), in this Youtube age and all that.

Yeah, I saw him die too - it may be ghoulish, but does anyone know where I can see it again?  There were rumours that you could see his feet poking from beneath the curtains, whilst the rest of the acts continued.

biggytitbo

Quote from: Tokyo Sexwhale on December 27, 2008, 06:14:35 PM
Yeah, I saw him die too - it may be ghoulish, but does anyone know where I can see it again?  There were rumours that you could see his feet poking from beneath the curtains, whilst the rest of the acts continued.


I remember it well, everyone thought it was part of the joke (because, sad as it is, it was very funny) and it was only when Moira Stewart or Jan leeming, I forget which, announced on the news straight afterwards he'd died that we realised. Very very strange that its never surfaced anywhere, when almost everything else has.