things on tv you know only you've seen and you'll never see them again

[trotsky assortment]

Yeah.  I remember that well.  During his act, he pulled out a black cube and said it was an Irish bowling ball, pressed a button on his table thing and some cardboard legs dropped down.  He put on his robe, ready to do that thing where somebody passes stuff up through the curtains.  He tightened the best on the robe and fell backwards;

It may be morbid, but I want to see it again too.  I'd like to know what else his five minutes or so on 'Live From Her Majesty's' contained.

[Morrisfan82]

it was only when Moira Stewart or Jan leeming, I forget which, announced on the news straight afterwards

Heh, you must've turned over then, it was on ITV. In my hazy memory I think Trev McDonald did the ITN honours.

Yeah.  I remember that well.  During his act, he pulled out a black cube and said it was an Irish bowling ball, pressed a button on his table thing and some cardboard legs dropped down.  He put on his robe, ready to do that thing where somebody passes stuff up through the curtains.  He tightened the best on the robe and fell backwards;

Yeh, the audience were laughing their heads off by this point. Then the music struck up and the curtain closed, and they went straight to a break (fairly seamlessly too, they did a good job).

'Live From Her Majesty's'

Ahh, right, was that what it was? I was labouring under the impression it was either Live From The Palladium or Live From The Piccadilly.

[Ambient Sheep]

Oh I must have had loads of these in my time, but here's three that come to mind immediately:


Firstly, "my" infamous Australian film, which after over a year of searching was finally identified as "Deadly Chase", a.k.a. "Driven Mad".  Saw it late one night on Channel 4 about ten years ago, and am unlikely ever to see it again, as it seems to be so obscure.


Secondly, some Eastern European, probably Czech, cartoon I saw on Channel 4 sometime in the 80s.  As I remember it, the whole thing was just a side-view of a house and a bit of back garden, with the fourth wall of the house taken away, thus leaving our view of the house as a cross-section.  Don't remember anything much, except bizarreness involving a fat bloke taking a bath, then letting the water drain out a pipe into the garden, or something like that.  Lots of purple colours.  Difficult to explain, I don't remember anything about it except that for something that at first glance looked like a kids' cartoon it became very unsettling.


Thirdly, and along with the previous one I know I've told this before (but apparently not on this incarnation of the board), there's the time I saw Zoe Ball's breasts virtually bare on kids' TV.  Yes, this section of my post contains gratuitous salaciousness and outright juvenile male drooling.  Apologies in advance to anybody offended, but you have been warned.

So there was I, sitting at my (work) desk, upon which to my left-hand side sat a monitor coupled to the output of the video effects machine I was writing software for at the time.  The monitor was showing, as it was most of the time, BBC1.  The time was late afternoon, sometime between March 1993 and July 1996, although I would take a guess at mid-1994 if I had to be more specific.  Children's TV had just started up for the day, and into view leapt Zoe Ball, doing her usual enthusiastic "Hello kiddies" type routine.  On her top half she was wearing nothing but a pale beige crop-top; not one of the T-shirt/vest types, but one of those loose gauzy ones with a gathered waist and a semi-circular neck.  (Apologies if I've got the fashion nomenclature all wrong, it's hardly one of my strong points!)  Like the girl in the old Timotei shampoo ads set in a meadow somewhere.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending upon your point-of-view), this top was, under the studio lighting, almost completely see-through.  It left nothing to the imagination, including her lack of any underwear.  As Zoe bounded about the studio in a quasi-star-jumping fashion - for this wasn't a broom-cupboard type affair, but an open studio as I recall, a bit like the old Play School set - the bounciness was exceedingly terrific.  Her boobs, nipples and areolas were all now quite clearly visible and beautifully in motion.  Hell, if I'd bothered to record it and take a freeze-frame, I probably could have counted the little bumps. </perv>

About fifteen seconds into this little display, it was clear that the director had informed her of the situation via her earpiece, as suddenly she stopped bouncing about, locked herself into one spot on the floor, and abruptly folded her arms across her chest, where they stayed firmly for the rest of the link into the following cartoon, as did the slightly-horrified rictus grin she was now sporting.

When the cartoon finished, and they went back to her, the camera had been zoomed in so that only her head and shoulders were visible, and that remained the case for the rest of the afternoon...

Who here saw Tommy Cooper die on live television? I did.

Nope, I missed it.  I nearly watched that show as well.  Part of me regrets not seeing it; part of me is glad I didn't.

[Tokyo Sexwhale]

Also my appearance as an extra on Children's ITV show "Y.E.S" in the late 80s, as mentioned in the Charlie Brooker thread.

No-one remembers the show (it was crap - I only watched the one I was in).  I did tape it, but then lent the tape to someone else (it also had "Trading Places" on it) and the lender taped over it.  Bastard!

[biggytitbo]

Also my appearance as an extra on Children's ITV show "Y.E.S" in the late 80s, as mentioned in the Charlie Brooker thread.

No-one remembers the show (it was crap - I only watched the one I was in).  I did tape it, but then lent the tape to someone else (it also had "Trading Places" on it) and the lender taped over it.  Bastard!

I bet the video was completely worn out at that it where Jamie Lee Curtis gets her massive tits out.

[GoochDogHigh5s]

Yeh, the audience were laughing their heads off by this point. Then the music struck up and the curtain closed, and they went straight to a break (fairly seamlessly too, they did a good job).

I guess it was a good way for him to go though.

I remember a hand feeling around for him from behind the curtain

It was very sad.

Another thing that is never shown and for good reason, is the last round of the Watson Eubank fight

[Tokyo Sexwhale]

Or the Benn-McClellan fight.

[tarmac]

I stood on a wasp when I was little and it stung me and made me cry.  To cheer me up, my Dad  fired up the Betamax and put on a taped programme about computer graphics; I think it was called 'Computer Dreams'.  I can't really remember much about it except an image of a CGI teddy bear and a segment on Captain America.  I did a search for it a few years ago to no avail, so I think I've accepted the fact I'll never see it again.  Besides, I imagine such a potent reliving of my lost childhood would reduce me to a sobbing bundle on the floor.

[non capisco]

Seems as good a place as any to repost something I wrote a while ago on the Eastenders thread, and has since grown into an office joke-slash-obsession with a colleague.

I think I have a false memory regarding Eastenders that maybe an avid fan might be able to put straight. Me and a work colleague both recall a weird 'filler' sequence in one of those two hour specials they used to do that I don't think can actually have happened. In the episode(s) in question a bunch of characters, include Phil and Grant the Weetabix twins, went on holiday to Spain. Was there or was there not a real time 2 min sequence involving the Mitchell brothers noisily and wordlessly munching their way through a fry-up they'd ordered called a 'Gutbuster', with the camera circling round the table as they devoured it, culminating with a stupidly long pause finally broken by one of them going "Gor, I could 'ave anuvva wunna them, bruv!"?

I reckon I've built this up in my head to have lasted longer than it actually did, but the guy I work with also remembers it going on for a punishing amount of time, and actually seemed quite excited that someone else rememered it when I brought it up in a discussion about weird TV moments.

It doesn't really count as it's from EastpiggingEnders so is hardly obscure and I know at least one other person who remembers it (although his own probably false memory has expanded to it being soundtracked by  "rinky dink pixie music" which I don't recall at all), but it's pretty weird.

Shower me with affirmation, Verbwhores. Say you remember this scene.

[purlieu]

I want to, it sounds amazing!

[JesusAndYourBush]

Possibly another false memory here, something very weird anyway.

In the early days of Channel 4 I remember watching Eraserhead (only I later discovered it wasn't).  The entire film consisted of a scene with a weird monster baby and it's head came off and it's neck was very long like a snake and was wiggling around, and it went on and on and on, just that scene, on and on and on for over an hour.  After I'd seen that, whenever I heard anyone gushing about Eraserhead I wondered why people thought the film was so good, when the thing I saw was utter shit and I wrote off the film in my mind and didn't pay it any more attention.  Years later I saw a clip of the film on some show and it wasn't the scene I saw and actually seemed quite good so I realised there must have been something wierd about whatever I saw.  I just searched and watched "Eraserhead monster baby death scene" on youtube and that wasn't what I saw, so what the fuck did I see.  Is there another scene elsewhere in the film that fits my description?  Even if there is, why would the film I saw have just the one scene that extends on and on and on for an hour.  Channel 4 in it's early days used to have wierd film evenings showing amateur/student movies so could I have seen someone's wanky re-edit of that scene, extending it to a stupid length???

I also remember seeing a censored version of Lydia Lunch's "Fingered" on another of Channel 4's weirdy film evenings.  A version suitable for late 1980's Channel 4 would probably be less than 5 minutes, which is about what I seem to remember seeing.

Now something I definitely saw.  In 1991 a hostage called Joseph Cicippio was released after several years of captivity in Lebanon.  On the day of his release he made a speech in which he mentioned 3 or 4 names of other hostages he'd been held in captivity with.  That line was edited out of all subsequent repeats of his speech and the next days report in the newspaper and was never mentioned again.  I don't remember the names.  I just tried to find the text of his speech on the net but there's nothing.

[JPA]

A ludicrous 'erotic' sci-fi film which went out on Channel 5, which a little digging tells me is called Electra. Shannon Tweed (for it is she) is after a serum which can give a human superpowers, and luckily enough it can be transmitted via sexual intercourse, leading her to seduce her own stepson in the process iirc.

Sample quote:

Lorna Duncan: What are you doing?
Marcus Roach: I'm stimulating your erogenous zone, whilst probing your subconscious.

[Jemble Fred]

It doesn't count of course, but I generally watched 'Apparitions' and all its 'The Catholic Faith swings into action and saves the day' action with jaw permanently dropped, and it certainly felt like nobody else could have seen the content of what was going out, or it wouldn't have got any further than the BBC Head of Drama. I'm beginning to think I dreamt the whole series during weekly hour-long demonic possessions.

[biggytitbo]

Was there ever a sitcom set in the Wild West? I'm sure I saw one in the mid 80s, British I think.

[boxofslice]

I vaguely remember a programme which was shown in the early hours where Mr Bennett from TV's Tony Hart would go round and pester people working a late/early shift in different jobs. Usually involved him asking blindingly obvious questions to postmen, milkmen, newspaper distributers and bakers.

[non capisco]

I vaguely remember a programme which was shown in the early hours where Mr Bennett from TV's Tony Hart would go round and pester people working a late/early shift in different jobs. Usually involved him asking blindingly obvious questions to postmen, milkmen, newspaper distributers and bakers.

I remember that as well. It was called 'Night Shift'. I seem to remember it often being on after Mike Mansfield's 'Cue The Music', with Tony Slattery gurning around in the background dressed as a nun. Teenage insomnia, eh?

Cack Hen's Wacko Jacko film reminds me of a similar-sounding affair that was broadcast on Channel 5 about the life of Princess Di. One scene sticks out in my memory, the Princess of Hearts setting off to walk through a minefield on her own, with some kind of military type standing watching and shaking his head admiringly saying "My God, that woman's got guts!"

[bill hicks]

It doesn't really count on the first criteria since it was supposedly a ratings success but I am eternally disappointed that I know I will almost certainly never see The Interceptor ever again.

I didn't even remember what it was called for ages until earlier this year when discussing weird programmes and I brought up that game show where the Aryan looking fella in the Gestapo coat hunted down members of the public in a helicopter. No one remembered it and I was left thinking maybe I was deluding myself, but some research confirmed its existence and I have scoured the torrents for ages trying to find it to no avail.

If I ever saw it it would probably be a massive pile of wank, but nevertheless just once more I want to hear The Interceptor shriek and proclaim "I like it!" in a psychotic fashion.

[Gulftastic]

Was there ever a sitcom set in the Wild West? I'm sure I saw one in the mid 80s, British I think.

American sitcom in the Wild West was called 'Best Of The West'

There was a UK sitcom set in a Wild West theme park and that was called 'Bootle Saddles'.

You could be thinking of one of those.

[biggytitbo]

American sitcom in the Wild West was called 'Best Of The West'

There was a UK sitcom set in a Wild West theme park and that was called 'Bootle Saddles'.

You could be thinking of one of those.

Almost certainly 'Bootle Saddles' then, thanks!

[Tamarind Massacre]

There is a film I saw once on channel 5 which a friend and I watched whilst on the phone. It was amazing. It featured this guy I recognised from many crappy tv movies channel 5 would show in the afternoons, I don't know what his name is but he seemed to be the king of ropey tv movies.

The film was a kind of buddy movie. The king of tv movies (or as I shall now call him TKOTM) was a cop or something and he was teamed up with another guy who was an alien.

It was a TV series rather than a film, but what about [url http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096531/]Alien Nation[/url]?

[unky herb]

"Child's Play" - TV movie I think, British.

A family wake up to discover that all their windows and doors are surrounded by concrete, and the TV is broadcasting only a logo.. weird shit.

It was made in the 80s.. shown on TV once in the early 90s...

Obviously any Google search brings you to the Bulgerfest doll film... good luck finding it amongst that lot! Especially with it being a horror/suspense film.

[biggytitbo]

"Child's Play" - TV movie I think, British.

A family wake up to discover that all their windows and doors are surrounded by concrete, and the TV is broadcasting only a logo.. weird shit.

It was made in the 80s.. shown on TV once in the early 90s...

Obviously any Google search brings you to the Bulgerfest doll film... good luck finding it amongst that lot! Especially with it being a horror/suspense film.

Isn't that an episode of the American series of Hammer House of Horrror?

[Marty McFly]

Ghostwatch

[Alberon]

It was a TV series rather than a film, but what about [url http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096531/]Alien Nation[/url]?

I thought it could be that as well. Alien Nation ended after one season, but there were about five TV movies made later and they were shown on Channel 5.

[Ambient Sheep]

I guess it was a good way for [Tommy Cooper] to go though.

I always assumed that Murray Walker would probably go in a similar way during a particularly exciting race:

"And...and...and...here he comes...he's gaining on him...oh my word, oh my word, he's spun off, he's taken them both out, and that means he's won the world championshooooarrrrrgggghhh...<thud>"

It's still possible, mind, as he does the odd bit of commentary here and there, but far less likely than it was.

[purlieu]

One I've mentioned in CC before and never had a response about, but it must have been sign - Alan Davies in One For The Road.  He does some corporate training video and then hijacks the camera and goes off on a world tour, sending a video of each place back to a different relative.
Not that funny, but really nice.  My housemate and I watched it in one sitting when it very briefly appeared on On Demand, and it left a nice warm feeling afterwards.

[Gulftastic]

There was an episode of Club X where an artist smeared two naked lasses with paint then pressed their bodies onto canvas, then stripped off and joined in herself. I remember enjoying that somewhat.

[non capisco]

A ludicrous 'erotic' sci-fi film which went out on Channel 5

There was another similarly ludicrous witchcraft themed one they had on, called something like "The Devil's Spunk" but obviously not that, which was from what I could drunkenly make out about a bloke on holiday whose man muck could apparently sire the second coming of Lucifer. He was out browsing the scenery and then got knocked on the head by a rock and dragged off to be diddled by a load of witches. He was apparently having sex against his will (didn't look like it from where I was wanking sitting) with one whilst another one danced around and screeched to the others "behold your fate!"

Ahh, for the days when it was all softcore and Nazis. And Russell Grant's Postcards.

[Ambient Sheep]

There was an episode of Club X where an artist smeared two naked lasses with paint then pressed their bodies onto canvas, then stripped off and joined in herself. I remember enjoying that somewhat.

You're not the only one.  (Saw that post the other day while searching for my previous mitherings about the Australian film, my memory's not that good!)


By the way...

'Splitting Cells', comedy pilot on BBC3 set in a prison in the future...Never come across anyone who saw it, though.

and one episode of:

I vaguely remember a programme which was shown in the early hours where Mr Bennett from TV's Tony Hart would go round and pester people working a late/early shift in different jobs. Usually involved him asking blindingly obvious questions to postmen, milkmen, newspaper distributers and bakers.

I remember that as well. It was called 'Night Shift'.

have both been on a well-known UK-based torrent site within the last year or so.

[lactating man nips]

It was a TV series rather than a film, but what about [url http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096531/]Alien Nation[/url]?

I thought it could be that as well. Alien Nation ended after one season, but there were about five TV movies made later and they were shown on Channel 5.

Thanks guys, but nope, wasn't any of the alien nation movies or the series.