Friday Fun Thread!!!

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

Oh oh! Mine and Ginyard's previous two were posted on a Saturday. Therefore we lose.

Pay attention for once in your miserable 'life' chocky you cunt. I'll be changing the topic on Fridays, but you can post whenever you want. Hence -

The Corpse Ride
Poonraker
The Prick and The Dead
The Schlong Good Friday

*Disney special*
Cockahontas
The Little Spermaid
Mulanal
Pounding Nemo
Sleeping Booty
Sex Toy Story 2
A Lad In

etc.

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

Oh oh! Mine and Ginyard's previous two were posted on a Saturday. Therefore we lose.

Pay attention for once in your miserable 'life' chocky you cunt. I'll be changing the topic on Fridays, but you can post whenever you want.

Hence -

The Corpse Ride
Poonraker
The Prick and The Dead
The Schlong Good Friday

*Disney special*
Cockahontas
The Little Spermaid
Mulanal
Pounding Nemo
Sleeping Booty
Sex Toy Story 2
A Lad In

etc.

[James "End-To-End" Benton]

Good Will Humping

This was actually a prospective title for Shakespeare In Love, since 'people in Peoria wouldn't want to see a film with Shakespeare in the title'. 'The Full Monologue', that was another one

Erm

Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex (But Were Afraid To Ask)
Bananas

[Joy Nktonga]

Ghost Lusters (real)
Indiana Boners and the Raiders of the Lost Arse
Indiana Boners and the Temple of Poon
Indiana Boners and the Lust Coozade
Indiana Boners and the Cummed on Face of Creamy Girls
Stabshit Poopers
It's a Cum Cup Full Wife

[chocky909]

Pay attention for once in your miserable 'life' chocky you cunt.

Wah!

Twelve Winkies.

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

Flobber

[Ginyard]

The whole nine inches

[Ginyard]

Dial M for machine fucking

[the midnight watch baboon]

Pearly white cum Harbourer

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

Pearly white cum Harbourer

...and on that bombshell, it's Friday again (yes, already). Excellent porn work as ever, guys – too many good ones to pick favourites, so I won't bother, but thank you anyway. This week's challenge, as it's Valentine's week, is on a suitably romantic theme: CRAP CHAT-UP LINES.

Some online dictionary or other defines a chat-up line thus -

Chat-up line (plural chat-up lines) [noun]:
U.K. remark intended to attract somebody: a prepared phrase or topic that somebody uses when trying to initiate a romantic or sexual relationship (informal)

So like that, but hopefully funny. We've "all" been there (more or less - with slight variations in location and gender according to preference): you're in a club, you're gasping for a drink, grasping at the bar, glancing at a girl, gasping for a grope, and groping for the words to tell her that, yes - she *is* perfect, you love her, you will always love her, she doth teach the torches to burn bright, and all that jazz. But what can you possibly say to her? Your unworthy tongue could not do justice to such a goddess - her beauty, her very presence is a roadblock to your neural pathways. What else can you do, brain-dead, but rely on the words of another - the words of some philosopher on love, on beauty, on relationships and the human condition, honed over the centuries? The words - in other words - of a chat-up line.

The Fast Show classic is, of course, 'Can I cum on your tits?' And I've got a friend who swears by 'Alright love - can I feel your cunt?' Directness will (apparently) work sometimes, and sometimes has got to be better than never. Along the same lines, from the Men Behaving Badly book: 'Would you like a ride on my penis?...sorry, I mean motorbike,' and, 'I'm sorry...this is really quite embarrassing.... I actually have a fantastically large penis.' Personally I've always wanted to say to somebody, as if recognising them, 'Sorry, you probably get asked this all the time – have you ever done porn?' – just to see their reaction.

In a similar, although slightly less direct, vein – 'Nice legs – what time do they open?' This leads us into the cheesy category, the genre which includes such dazzling gems as 'Your feet must be tired, you've been running through my mind all day'; 'If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?'; 'When they made the alphabet they should have put U and I together.' And finally - strictly as a last-ditch attempt - there's always 'Scream and I'll cut you.' Or 'I run a website.'

So - chat-up lines, eh? Ones you've heard, ones you've made up, and bonus points if it's one you've used in real life (fewer points if it actually worked). All your chat-up stories as well, why not – love is in the air, after all, with its faint smell of strawberries and farts. Your silken successes, your disastrous defeats, your clumsy cock-ups and your inevitable incarcerations... Is there a line you always use? A line that always works? A line you've always wanted to use, but have never had the necessary testicles (or 'necessticles')? What devious verbal trickery did you employ to ensnare your current, unwitting, partner?

ANSWER ME

[The Boston Crab]

I always find 'I have a girlfriend' to be an incredibly effective way to make women's twisted imaginations run away from them.

[Papercut]

I have been the target of:

'Do you have a girlfriend?'
'Would you like to have sex with me?'
'I'm a nurse.'

and my most inexplicable attempt:

'You were supposed to call me!'

I was sober, but badly hungover.

[Ginyard]

'Shame he's taken but you'll do. You up for it?'

That one would have hurt if she hadn't been pig shit ugly.

[Rubbish Monkey]

[wherearethespoons]

'Ere love, fancy going halves on a bastard?

[buttgammon]

"Hi. You don't know me but your more attractive friend took a restraining order out on me and you were always my back-up, so do you fancy a fuck?"

"If I said you had a beautiful body would you...break my nose with your fist and spray mace in my eyes?"

A:Do you like cats?
B:Yeah, I love them. They're so cute and fluffy.
A coughs up a furball.

[Jemble Fred]

"If I said you had a beautiful body would you be prepared to put up with MY FEET forevermore?"

(nb there's nothing actually wrong with my feet, ladies.)

[Cambrian Times]

"If I said you had a beautiful body would you be prepared to put up with MY FEET forevermore?"

(nb there's nothing actually wrong with my feet, ladies.)

How big are they? :o)

[weekender]

"You may not realise this now, but this could be your only opportunity to have sex with me.  Do you really want to spend the rest of your life not knowing what that's like?"

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

"You may not realise this now, but this could be your only opportunity to have sex with me.  Do you really want to spend the rest of your life not knowing what that's like?"

Oh my, Weekender, that's effective. Remarkably effective. Oh my.

[Cerys]

"Hey, d'you want to help me win a bet...?"

[the midnight watch baboon]

I went through a stage of pretending my right hand was a puppet called Harry and using him to chat up wimmin, introducing him to the target, doing Emu-esque grabs and everything. It worked sometimes but often Harry'd have to wank me off at the end of unsuccessful evenings round town.

I went after my current missus using a more refined approach- "Are you from Harrogate? I'm not, I'm from High Wycombe! I support Tottenham!" Turns out that all women want is home town and footballing support confirmation.

[OG Mudbone]

"Hey there. Vigorous sex with me will expend all those calories that your obviously-neglected gym membership has failed to. How about it?"

[chocky909]

"I can make a bell ring in your stomach."

[the midnight watch baboon]

"C'mon, let's sort my wheat from your chaff"

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

"Hey baby, you look like you could use a stiff one."

"I must have you to wife."

And of course Futurama has tons. Could help if you're trying to score at a Futurama convention - otherwise their application is perhaps limited:

"I'm just looking for a female swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material."

"Is heaven missing an angel? 'Cause you've got nice cans!"

"Why aren't we making out?"

"If I said you had a beautiful body, would you take your pants off and dance around a little?"

"How about you come to the back seat of my car, for coffee?"

"I'll be all over you like a fly over some very seductive manure."

"I dont usually say this, but you are the most beautiful trio of gigantic women I've ever laid eyes upon!"

"So...you wanna catch an ape fight? You know...together?"

"I find the most attractive part of a woman is the boobies."

"My two favourite things are commitment and changing myself."

^{_{With thanks to the website I just copied all of those off}}

[LeboviciAB84]

Sadly, the thread-starter can't confer this week's topic, as he's been involved in a whimsical accident. So let's toast his remission with a round of

Implausible sequels!

That's right, we're cycling through great threads we've already done. This one is simple: take a well-known serious film — such as Vera Drake — and put '2: Electric Boogaloo' on the end of it! But before you do, I suppose I'd better provide a few examples of what in blue blazes this means.

Don't Look Now: Look Who's Not Looking Now Too
Mulholland Dr. In Los Angeles
Six Million Dollar Baby
The Addams Family Robinson
Falling Like That
Intolerabler Cruelty
Isadora: Full Throttle
A Bronx Tale: Fievel Goes West
Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex (But Were Afraid To Ask) Goes Bananas

So show you brethren!

[the midnight watch baboon]

Schindler's List: Reloaded

[Ginyard]

Batman hears a who!

King Kong with the wind

Alien vs the Elephant Man

------

Am I doing this right?

Or does it have to be whole titles, like:

Its a wonderful life, Ghandi

[the midnight watch baboon]

Requiem for a Dream: Requiem

To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Che.

Troy 2: Troy Harder