TOP GITS TONIGHT

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Sexy toad flits eyes at swan

Pensions boss funnels Osbourne's future down massive fraud tube

and 'Wasn't Gaza fun?' beams euphoric Netenyahu

[Cerys]

Have you been at the brass polish again?

[sproggy]

LOL!  well randomz

[Glebe]

Glasgow dentist in have-a-go numptie scandal.

Embittered crab eats friend's wife.

"Who will save our brothels?" screams mad pontiff from atop Harrods.

[Glebe]

Letter B to be removed from alphabet.

Mediterranean turns orange for an hour.

Farmer grafts arms on to piglets.

[wherearethespoons]

 finally removed from alphaet.  Popular new swear words include astard and ollocks.

[biniput]

Shirley Temple revived from dead in episcopal cleaning accident.

Secretarial cut and paste fiasco revives cold war.

Bonnie Langford rides on ant into Isreal to prove point on Palestinian human rights.

Flying kipper mows down disturbed ticket tout.

[biniput]

Sarkozy startles meeting of EU leaders with cries of "hold me!".

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Lost swan stabbed by Sargeant-at-Arms

Coca Cola pay for ad space on 'Gaza's sexiest bomb spots'

and Suicide junkie fails to get insurance on semtex bird bath.

[biniput]

Thread with good potential dies in low imagination disaster

[Ginyard]

Frank Bruno bleeds heavily in hovercraft porn film

[Glebe]

Jimmy Greaves becomes Bishop of Luton.

Camel-riding Paxman lost in coalmine.

And £5 billion pound fox deficit-who foots the bill?

Those are our heads tonight....as you are, men!

[Glebe]

Tonight's big twats:

...Winged badger takes Blackpool hostage...

...Boris Johnson rides trike to Butlins...

...And giddy, giddy! Horse escape causes amusing town square rumpus!!

[biniput]

Scientists find underlay section of earths crust.

Car crushed by giant pasty.

[Hot Towel]

...Severed dogs leg in road causes road tears and silly animal...

[Uncle TechTip]

Top Tory git claims for moat-dredging on expenses

Oh wait...

[Jemble Fred]

INCONGRUOUS NOUN IN HYPERBOLIC NEWS ITEM SHOCKER

[Ginyard]

Rick Wakeman exterminated by son in freak toy Dalek head accident

[the midnight watch baboon]

REINVENTED WHEEL SUCKS THE JOY OF LIVING FROM ALL OUR SOULS

[Glebe]

Tonight's tiffin-related MP doings:

FROSTED ANTELOPE QUESTIONS GORDON'S PUDDING.

TEA FOR TWO? MANDELSON AND MANSON SHACK UP IN LA PRSION.

AND WHO ATE ALL THE PASTRY? TWO JAGS EMPTIES BRITAIN'S BAKERIES IN ONE SITTING.

[the midnight watch baboon]

SNAKE-SHAPED CLOUD TERRIFIES NORFOLK'S ELDERS

"NOTHING WRONG WITH A LOINCLOTH", BOASTS MODERN TARZAN

AND... CORPORATE KISSING PARLOURS TO CATER FOR QUIMLESS WHIMS IN KNARESBOROUGH

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

MODERN TARZAN

:D A high quality off-the-shelf verbwhore username there.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Daphne & Celeste 'Missing A Daphne' Says Celeste

'I will have to make do with Gaffney again'.

[Ginyard]

Mammal Mammories to be Massacred in Mumbai Maritime Marathon

Detective Inspector Jeffrey Bum turned on technics and laughed 'I'm on the beat' as children lay dying

[Blumf]

'WOOORRRAAAGGGGHHH' SCREAMS NAKED DARLING IN PRE-BUDGET STATEMENT

BIN-LADEN JIZZED UP MY DIALYSIS MACHINE CLAIMS WEST COUNTRY DIRECTOR

KITTENS, NICE!

[Cambrian Times]

FRIED FRY FRISKED MY FRIED FISH

[Glebe]

Sizzly Elf in Northen Rock extortion.

Camembert to be renamed Frog's Mash.

And who are the Sarsfield Five?