The Bulwer Lytton Awards

[Kishi the Bad Lampshade]

"Yes", I thought to myself, toes twitching with anticipation, "I could, if I wanted to, go swimming today, but I shan't."


It's strange, isn't it, how marriage is supposed to be between two people - but actually, if you think about it, there's more than just two involved, you get married in front of God for a start so he's there, and then there's all the people in your various social spheres sticking their noses in your relationship, circling round you like planets (if planets threw dinner parties), and then there's his parents, and your parents - though thankfully my parents never really tried to intervene in my marriage, my mother being passive-agressive by nature and my father being dead.

"Listen closely..." croaked the wizened old man, crooked finger beckoning like a worm in mating season, "and I'll tell you what I did with your flip-flops."

[Cerys]

You're just too damn good at this.

[hpmons]

"What do I know about sanity?" she giggled randomly, as she randomly put a random sock on her precious, perfectly-formed head.

[Kishi the Bad Lampshade]

Plump Joanna surveyed her stomach like a general studying a map, analysing how it creased and folded, separating itself into three bulging sections like a tub of Neopolitan ice cream - literally navel-gazing, if you will.


(I love this thread)

[Ginyard]

Harry Butterworth gazed into the mirror and promptly burst into tears, because it wasn't a mirror at all. It was the corpse of his dead dog.

[Kishi the Bad Lampshade]

Harry Butterworth gazed into the mirror and promptly burst into tears, because it wasn't a mirror at all. It was the corpse of his dead dog.

I now love this thread even more.

[Cerys]

Too right - I am now giggling like a stoned hyena.

[Ginyard]

'Wuthering Heights' is the name of the dwelling. 'Wuthering' being a significant provincial adjective, descriptive of the time when Mr Heathcliffe kicked an eskimo's teeth in on the moors.

[gmoney]

Sean considered the rocking horse, an heirloom bequeathed to him from his great aunt Melba when he was just out of small trousers. Would he really have to sell it for heroin?

[the midnight watch baboon]

I stepped away from the wreckage, the little girl's hand interwoven with my own, tossing up in my mind whether I should find her body or keep it as a tiny, horrible spare.

[Cerys]

Unexpectedly, my period started.

[Ginyard]

Unexpectedly, the queen's period started as well and she bled all over the throne, the crimson cushions shielding the regal strumpet's liquidy mess.

[ThickAndCreamy]

I could not even look her in the eye anymore, for she had blinded me with sulfuric acid.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Jeff Ringrow awoke to find that his body was purple.

_{actually the first line from a novel I started writing a few years' back}

[sick as a pike]

"When I was small, a lad no less, I rose and slew a lamb: to balance with its blood what blood I had shed in that other place, but found it incomplete; not sufficient, wanting...and I wept," which was not the best thing for the year sevens to hear from their swimming instructor.

Shannon had eyes like lasers, burning, fierce beams of concentrated vision, though unlike lasers they still worked if there was a power cut, and still more unlike lasers the unit cost didn't decrease if you bought more than five, which was irrelevant as Shannon only needed two, thus completing the 'not really like lasers' triple whammy of reasons.

"Can I give you want a hand with those heavy bags" asked Dan, which was fitting as he was a railway porter unlike his father- international flying ace, raconteur and Backgammon-addicted playboy 'Fletch' Goodwin, who was on the whole pretty disappointed by his son, what with him being a railway porter, as mentioned previously.

[Kishi the Bad Lampshade]

Jimmy kissed each of Flora's delicate, delectable toes, before popping them back in their resealable bag.

[Ginyard]

"I am a Dalek, I am a Dalek" joked Batman, as he kicked The Riddler in the nuts.

[Cerys]

The Polish guys down the road might not have been Polish; their unspeakably loud music sounded Polish but might have been Lithuanian; their screams of pain as Quent, katana in hand, sliced his way through them were incoherent but could, all things considered, have derived some of their shrillness from a Slavonic origin: however Quent, afterwards, always referred to them as 'the Polish guys down the road', and he was right to do so.

[djtrees]

The handsome don slipped silently through the cloisters knowing that in his battered brown briefcase he held a dangerous secret. He had to get to someone he could trust to offload his terrible baggage. There was only one man capable of dealing with the item he had in his possession. He needed to get Lovejoy on the phone.

[Ginyard]

Harry found himself being hoisted on to a sharp, long screw, piercing him right in the middle. The skinhead began to spin him round, driving the screw into his body. Harry wanted to scream in pain but couldn't as he was a circular wooden table and had no mouth.

[the midnight watch baboon]

God cradled the freshly loaded glass of juice in his hand, sashayed to heaven's best window and marvelled deeply upon his progeny.

[Cerys]

Humpty lay, shattered at the base of the wall, surrounded by dozens of milling men and horses - at the king's command, it seemed; but whatever the scene suggested, it couldn't possibly have occurred to anybody but me, Twistill Sprigsbody, investigatrice extraordinaire, what was actually the case; yet, even to me, Twistill Sprigsbody, the truth of my suspicioning hadn't yet sunk in - the full horror of what this event presaged; for Humpty had not fallen: he was pushed.

[Kishi the Bad Lampshade]

It was ten o'clock on a Tuesday morning, and Harold was painting the town red - literally.

[Goldentony]

Warrick woke up bleeding, sore, and confused. "Where have i been all god damn night" he wondered aloud to himself, secretly hoping Nixons goons weren't honed in on him. As he reminded himself continually to keep his thoughts inwards, he surveyed the mess he saw before him. Angrily limping towards the fridge over mounds of used sheepskin condoms, since he's allergic to latex, he accidentally trod on something moist and warm. Something that melted between his toes. Something he couldnt quite put his finger on. He lowered his eyes to the tiles below and all of his worst fears were answered. He knew, truly, that this day was the day he came face to face with his worst enemy. He pulled his feet up slowly to reveal a severed vagina in a council bin bag. The calling card of doom, the calling card of humanitys downfall. The calling card of..HOT NODDY

[TVs Nick Wealthall]

Polyglot Hari Mandella spoke many languages, but he had always struggled with the complex language of human emotions...

[Goldentony]

Colonel. Briggins had been underground with his men for five days now. The revolution continued but they remained at a stand still, tunneling their way to escape. He admitted to himself some time ago that he had no idea where they were going, and what he was doing, but was too scared to tell the men. Resting his legs, he let out a large sigh and thought "please let this blow job end, it's been going on for 40 minutes now"

As he glanced over to his right he saw staring back at him a poster of his sucessor, Col. Levi. A cold menacing stare that chilled him to his bone, underneath his face, the words their batallion lived by finally resonated within him.

'BLOWJOBS NEVER END'

As he blew his final load, he let out a tear and hosited the gun to his mouth.

[Clone Army]

The scent of her body hung on the air like a balloon does and Richard entered the hot, sexually charged classroom; his legs sauntering forwards.

[Ginyard]

Harry tested the table to check it was securely nailed into the floor and then made good on his promise to show the crowd an athletic handstand. Gripping the sides of the table he hauled himself up and over with considerable ease. The crowd applauded then screamed as the poseidon flipped over in a matter of seconds, a mega tsunami wave forcing the gigantic vessel belly-up. Harry watched his admirers plunge to the ceiling then thanked his lucky stars that he chose that exact moment to do an athletic handstand.

[Kishi the Bad Lampshade]

Jim looked at Nina, who was leaning forward, elbows on the marble kitchen counter, her arse sticking out (an arse surprisingly juicy for a size 6 model), watching the ticking pregnant toaster with enrapturement. As she was looking at the toaster, Jim wondered what it would be like to be in her mind, unaware that, so she stared at that grey toaster like it was the most fascinating object in the world, so Jim stared at Nina, while I, Chris McDonald, stood in the corner noting it all.

[James "End-To-End" Benton]

Single sentence! These are getting flabby and self-consciously whimsical. Bad prose CAN be intentionally funny:

The mighty frigate Indestructible rounded the Horn of Africa and lurched east'ard.

Then again, I love Bulwer-Lytton's original sentence, so pfeh