The Bulwer Lytton Awards

[Kishi the Bad Lampshade]

Damn, the last one I had two sentences. All my others were one-sentence anyway. But it's ART. You can't put rules on art, man!

[Ginyard]

Grinning like the cheshire cat, James "End-To-End" Benton deleted 'wimzical' and promptly thanked his mother for her assistance.

[James "End-To-End" Benton]

Well-regarded pathologist Gregory Ginyard tidied away his acupuncture needles, flicked off the anglepoise and trotted down the cold steps to his waiting Wolseley

[Ginyard]

Margaret, the slimline blond secretary who'd had four divorces, lived in Broxbourne and owned three cats, sat down.

[Neville Chamberlain]

Finishing his crisps, the scene of destruction was surveyed by the policeman.

[Neville Chamberlain]

Detective Luigi Panini took a sharp left into Toddington Services.

[Ginyard]

See the cat run.

Run cat run!.

See the dog run.

Run bitch run!.

[Neville Chamberlain]

EDIT: *bah!*

[Cerys]

Santa Claus entered yelling, 'right that's it for another year Vlad - get out the vaseline and the nose clippers and toss another couple of elves on the fire - it's tingle time!'

[Ginyard]

"Rupert Everett pyjamas?. That could work" said Brother Jeffrey, CEO of Asda..

[the midnight watch baboon]

Ahhh, Dr Greaves-Groves, the kindly GP with that warm, reassuring smile, a physician you wouldn't mind cupping your son's balls.

[gmoney]

Susan read over the acceptance letter once more. It was true, she was going to be an astronaut.

[Goldentony]

Alsions tits soaked in blood, her arse awash in a sea of jism, she stepped back and said to herself "i am defenitely barred from kwik save now"

[Ginyard]

"You can take the red pill or the imodium" said Morpheus.

[Ginyard]

James Bond closed the curtains for the final time that day, moved towards the bed where the beautiful russian temptress lay naked and inviting and chowed down heavy on some beaver.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Katharina Stojewlski looked at her magic jug, and sighed


"Why", shrieked Lord Brudderington, into his vast bedroom mirror, "Am I so self-obsessed?"

[Ginyard]

Thnar Fitzznerr stroked his left beard and began to replace all the ritza circuits in his Korsa Korz.

'Haha' scoffed Dnai Vewwell, 'Your midnifian humbones are no match for my Kvartan Pelantipedes!'.

[Kishi the Bad Lampshade]

I cried softly over my guitar, weeping and singing as I mourned another unsuccessful wife-swap party.

[Ginyard]

Its on odd days such as these, as I sit and watch the roofs of the properties opposite lift clean off and blow away down the street, that I fear for my rhubarb.

[Cerys]

^ I would buy that book.

[Ginyard]

'A-HAAAAaaaaaaRRRGGGGHHHH!' said Captain Mauvespuds, mowing the lawn with his hook, 'it be Jesus of Nazareth A-HAAAAaaaaaRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!'.

[always sober]

Robert didn't mind that 80% of people across the solar system were now homosexuals. Yes, homosexuals. Does that shock your 21st century morals? Well that's just the sort of profound social change that has happened since that fateful day in 2078, so you better get used to it.

[the midnight watch baboon]

We argued about the correct pronunciation of Pall Mall for an hour's quarter, then changed into matching yellow sweaters and moved on to bisexuality.

[Garfield And Friends]

Mucus wasn't normal for this time of day, but neither was it wholy unwelcome.


Her face remained calm as she watched the dinghy succumb to the waves, only betrayed by her legs giving out the occasional poignant wobble.


Flying was something that Marcus had wanted to do for years, but not on this trapeze from hell.


The knife swistled through the air acrimoniously, only to hit handle-first with an embarrassed "clink", like a cheery milk bottle.

[Ginyard]

A cold, easterly wind swept over the sands of rhossili bay as Konnie Huq exploded in mid air.

[Ginyard]

'If only I'd been there, I could have saved him!'  sobbed Michael Sphinxman, the father of the dead 12 week old foetus.

[Kishi the Bad Lampshade]

"Hmm" thought Frederick, as he walked into his new hall of residence, "I think of all the nicknames I could possibly have here at Exeter University, 'Waz' is the one that sums me up best."

[the midnight watch baboon]

The golf ball ended its trundle at her oversized brown Caréiú Hammet boots, which we all took to mean something of big, dog-like proportions.

[Ginyard]

July 14, 2009

I had just finished hammering the final nail into the last of the sugary quickbread when I re-read the instructions with some dismay: place the sconces at even intervals on the wall.

[Ginyard]

This book is dedicated to Barbara Robot and Joseph Manbag. Their tireless research has ensured that my 'The Universe is shaped like a porsche 911' theory has been fully fleshed and clothed in time for this publication.