Jokes 2: The New Botch

[the midnight watch baboon]

Why oh why did the depressed, loner of a chameleon stand in front of the Police Box?

Spoiler alert

Cos he was feeling blue.

[close]

[Ginyard]

Dan Dare was on his way to see his old landlady for her birthday when he got stuck in a defective lift in her block of flats. When he pressed down it went up and took him all the way to the top floor. The doors wouldn't open so he shouted 'help' Two floors below in her sitting room, the landlady, an old jamaican woman, could hear someone shouting so went out into the corridor to look for him. 'Help' he cried again. The landlady recognised his voice. "Is that you Dan Dare?' she called out. "No, I'm up here!' he shouted back.

[mister_enmity]

The last post felt a bit like hummus: not humorous.

[Ginyard]

Its older than your dad sonny. I'm going to have to remember that old 'Rock's bottom AIDS' joke that was so popular in the 80s -  that'll really piss you off.

[Johnny Yesno]

Its older than your dad sonny.

It certainly is. The last time I heard it was an Irish joke being told by an Irish comedian.

[Ginyard]

I have a very faint memory of that. But my mate (who I'm sure only told it so he could do his Lenny Henry-esque black lady shouting impression) swears this was the original. Which Irish comedian was it?.

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[Cerys]

I have a feeling that yet another version appeared in the 1988 Aberystwyth uni rag magazine.  That was set in Ireland too.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Platitude-  The mindset of one adopting the characteristics of duck-billed marine mammals.

[Eight Taiwanese Teenagers]

My cock is absolutely enormous. It doesn't even fit in our dimension of time and space! I have to go to NASA to buy my pants - they have a specially designed wormhole.

[Egyptian Feast]

Has anybody got any decent Christ jokes for Good Friday?

[Cerys]

Not one of mine, but:

An advertising agency was employed by Grimsditch's Nails, and came up with a tableau of Jesus on the cross, with the slogan, 'Use Grimsditch's Nails!'.  The ad duly went out, but received thousands of complaints, so the ad agency was forced to come up with a replacement.  The new ad showed Jesus running happily across a meadow filled with flowers, butterflies, laughing children, etc.  The slogan? 

Spoiler alert

'If they'd only used Grimsditch's Nails he'd never have fallen off!'

[close]

[Glebe]

What do you call a U-boat full of owls?

Spoiler alert

Das Hoot.

[close]

[Pylon Man]

Why didn't Cain cross the road? Because he wasn't Abel.

[The Roofdog]

Q: Why did Mick Jagger refuse to throw out his old sandwich toaster?
A: He had sympathy for the Breville.

[alan nagsworth]

What happened when the general public thought over-hyped animal-based illnesses couldn't get any more unbelievable?

Spoiler alert

SWINE FLEW

[close]

[wheatgod]

Satires, there.

[alan nagsworth]

You only get the satirist of the satirible from me, dear wheaty.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

What do you call a U-boat full of owls?

Spoiler alert

Das Hoot.

[close]

Splendid.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

A French person I know thought this was funny:

A cop sees a man driving around with a van full of penguins. He pulls him over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in your van! Take them to
the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the cop sees the guy still driving around with the penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls him over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

[thepuffpastryhangman]

I was going to discuss the tights worn by the actors in that famous Lionel Richie video.

But why give airtime to Hello cast deniers?

[Cerys]

Excruciating.

[Cambrian Times]

What do you call a gangster who pulls people up by their underwear?

Spoiler alert

Wedgie Kray

[close]

[James "End-To-End" Benton]

What do you call a gangster who pulls people up by their underwear?

Spoiler alert

Wedgie Kray

[close]

Tim?

[thepuffpastryhangman]

(8 years obviously wasn't long enough to keep this partucular masterpiece remotely current. Anyway...)

Q: What was Dubya's favourite UK charity shop?

A: Cancel Research.

[the midnight watch baboon]

What's a tree pervert's favourite verbal exclamation?

Spoiler alert

Fiddlesticks!

[close]

[chocky909]

What's Kate "On The Waterfront" Copstick's favourite sandwich filling?

Truncheon meat.

[Morrisfan82]

Q: What does Gary 'The Beat' Crowley like to do while you're having sex?

A: Wotcha!

[Retinend]

What do you call a totalitarian confederacy of left-wing napkins?

The Union of Serviette Socialist Republics


or, to dumb it down:


What do you call a confederacy of communist napkins?

The Union of Serviette Socialist Republics

(c) Retinend. 2009.

[chocky909]

What's a thesaurus' favourite cake?

Spoiler alert

Synonym Swirl.

[close]

What's a fiercely independant German's favourite 2 digit number?

Spoiler alert

Servanty? Nein! (79)

[close]

[the midnight watch baboon]

All good.


What did strict Mother Spice do after one of her kids stayed out too late?

Spoiler alert

Ground Nutmeg

[close]