Jokes 2: The New Botch

[doppelkorn]

So I got my girlfriend one of those spa days for her birthday this year.

Spoiler alert

Anyway there we were at the Belgian Grand Prix..... (laughs)

[close]

So I got my girlfriend one of those spa days for her birthday this year.

Spoiler alert

Anyway there we were at the petrol station..... (laughs)

[close]

So I got my girlfriend one of those spa days for her birthday this year.

Spoiler alert

Anyway there we were, boxing away..... (laughs)

[close]

So I got my girlfriend one of those spa days for her birthday this year.

Spoiler alert

Anyway there we were, collecting crystals, hundreds of feet below sea level..... (laughs)

[close]

So birthday days I spa my one of those girlfriend for her this year.

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Anyway there we were, weeping uncontrollably..... (boos)

[close]

[the midnight watch baboon]

Spa ha!

So this bolke comes up t ome, keeps on and on asking me about making him climax using just my keyring, just using my keyring, on and on he went about it, asking if I could do it, how I could do it...

In the end I just

Spoiler alert

fobbed him off!1!!!!1

[close]

[doppelkorn]

It's funny you should mention former Eastern bloc football teams actually becasue I have several jokes about them.

Which Yougoslavian football team might crtically assess and assign a mark (based on an agreed scale) to the "call to prayer" efforts of any one of a number of groups of anti-Nazi militia fighters in occupied territories during WWII?

Spoiler alert

Partisan Bell Grade of course!

[close]

Did you hear that Harrison Ford's character in Star Wars has gone quite mad and a) named all the sounds his clock makes after Friends characters and b) declared himself to actually be one of the sounds?

Yeah, apparently

Spoiler alert

Han's a "Ross" tock

[close]

!

Hear ye, hear ye! The eponymous hero of a 1978 Blondie single is no longer an amateur! But oh no, I cannot pronounce the name of a briefly popular 1970's toy fad. I shall just mumble the last few letters.

Spoiler alert

DNIPRO DNIPROPETROVSK!

[close]

[the midnight watch baboon]

Talking of taking yer life and yer heart in yer hands and risking it all . . . I went out on a limb last night.

Spoiler alert

T w o    o f    t h e m . . .

[close]

Spoiler alert

MY LEGS!!!

[close]

[ElTopo]

QUESTIONS

Why isn't "Condensed Tomato Soup" simply called "Toup"?

Why doesn't the "Prime" Minister live at No. 11?

When "Flash" Gordon decided to stay on Mongo after defeating Ming, was it mainly due to the pending court case on Earth that spawned his nickname?

What came first? The chicken or Nick Clegg?!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Spa ha!

So this bolke comes up t ome, keeps on and on asking me about making him climax using just my keyring, just using my keyring, on and on he went about it, asking if I could do it, how I could do it...

In the end I just

Spoiler alert

fobbed him off!1!!!!1

[close]

Marvellous.

[ElTopo]

When I first moved to Sweden, I hated the local movie theatres. But recently, I've really started to love the Stockholm Cinedrome.

[thecuriousorange]

For my heinous crimes the judge sentenced me to only ever write my name starting with a lower-case letter so that I will get slightly less respect from people.

Spoiler alert

I thought capital punishment didn't exist in this country.

[close]

[the midnight watch baboon]

thanks Shoulerz :)

I was hobnobbing last night. That's nothing really, I'm gonna rim the toaster later.

[the midnight watch baboon]

So... kissing and canoodling a blind girl and getting goosebumps... it can lead to confusing signals

[Smeraldina Rima]

How does a remaining member of 5ive hint at the band's problem when he prepares for Christmas?
'The Hallway's all ready. Abz sent presents.'

[doppelkorn]

X-FACTOR JOKE

What did Louis Walsh say to me after he organised for Rick Wakeman to jump out of my birthday cake?

Spoiler alert

IT'S A YES FROM ME!

[close]

[doppelkorn]

Why does Ryan Giggs support social change to create a more egalitarian society?

Spoiler alert

Because he is a "left-winger"!

[close]

Why does Christiano Ronaldo reject the egalitarian objectives of left-wing politics, claiming that equality is artificial and that that the imposition of social equality is detrimental to society?

Spoiler alert

Because he's a dangerous counter-revolutionary and a threat to our republic!

[close]

[thecuriousorange]

TOPICAL

I bought a new TV remote in Colonel Gaddafi's home town, but what type of batteries does it require?

Spoiler alert

Triple A

[close]

[thecuriousorange]

ALSO TOPICAL

I'm a bit worried about that hurricane Irene coming to Britain, so I thought I'd get hold of a hooded waterproof plastic jacket to fortify me against the raging elements. I thought that my luck was in when I seemed to find a website selling one for cheap. But when the large package arrived in the post, inside was an obese flatulent man who wouldn't stop emitting loud stinking farts.

Spoiler alert

That's the last time I order a windbreaker off the internet!

[close]

[doppelkorn]

Since dad ran off with his mistress I've been left to support the family by entering competitions to win Carla Lane DVDs.

Spoiler alert

Yep, I'm now the main Bread winner in the house!

[close]

[thecuriousorange]

And what - JUST WHAT - is the deal with the bass player from the Pixies?

[doppelkorn]

Hey, what's the deal with the loan manager at Federal Midwestern briefly mentioned by name in the 1996 film Fargo?

[doppelkorn]

"Knock, knock"

Hey man, ease up with the relenteless criticism.

[thecuriousorange]

Why did screen legend Shir Sean Connery mispronounce the name of pop band Steps and "Shteps"?

Spoiler alert

He heard there was a "H" in it!

[close]