Jokes 2: The New Botch

[HappyTree]

- My weirdest date: with a blind woman. She asked if she could see me again.


- My weirdest date: with a devout Christian prostitute in the church car park. Tried to avoid asking "Do you come here often?"



- My weirdest date: with a concentration camp survivor. She went all hysterical when I asked for her number.

[the midnight watch baboon]

I just airily sauntered out of a shop with some stolen semen and a Dutch master's painting up my sleeve- easy cum, easy Gogh

[presta didwicks]

I once dated a dutch girl who had some inflatable shoes.

It ended tragically,........................she popped her clogs.

[the midnight watch baboon]

MY girlfriend tragically passed when hit by a unexpected tax bill- She certainly didn't see VAT coming

[chocky909]

What famous song accurately describes the deepest fear of He-Man's arch enemy?

Spoiler alert

Beatles - Helter Skelter (Beetles: hell to Skeletor)

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[Cambrian Times]

What was Albert Pierrepoint's favourite sauce?

Spoiler alert

Ketch-up

[close]

[thepuffpastryhangman]

Which Lincolnshire gent is most frequently encouraged to deal in the sex trade?

Spoiler alert

Woolsthorpe by Belvoir.

[close]

[the midnight watch baboon]

Hey, why did the Equal Opportunities headquarters happily let a sign repairman into their HQ, despite him having a most caddish reputation?

Spoiler alert

BECAUSE he had an 'i' for the ladies

[close]

[ElTopo]

Which BBC London newsreader has a reputation for stealing cigarette papers?

Spoiler alert

Riz Lateef

[close]

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

My grandfather first thought of the pneumatic drill.

It was a groundbreaking idea.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Why did the ill, impulsive pervert thrust his nob into some poo?

Spoiler alert

Cos he felt like fucking shit

[close]

Spoiler alert

honest

[close]

[the midnight watch baboon]

Why was the orphaned bird of prey's gonad so narcissistic?

Spoiler alert

For he was an eagle-testicle bastard

[close]

[Shaun]

What do you call two female physicists having their first homosexual experience?

Spoiler alert

A double-slit experiment

[close]

[HappyTree]

They look a bit too Young for that kind of malarkey.

[thepuffpastryhangman]

Gerrard skips inside, he coulda gone down, there's no doubting the lad's conviction etc.

[the midnight watch baboon]

What is Paul McCartney's favourite letter?

Spoiler alert

The letter b, letter b, letter b, oh letter b... that is Macca's answer: letter b, letter b

[close]

[Jemble Fred]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3WWrrNjGxQ&feature=PlayList&p=8DC1A870A0210952&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=42

Hehe.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Damn shnizzle! Worth found "b"ing unoriginal just for that vid :)

[Jemble Fred]

I also recommend 'Hey Food', by the Cookie Monster.

[HappyTree]

I was always very partial to Bert's "Doing the Pigeon" dance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDJsgtoizj8

[Neville Chamberlain]

Why did the eviscerated chicken refuse to cross the road?

Spoiler alert

It didn't have the guts.

[close]

[Jemble Fred]

Q: What is four-foot-fucking-nine, y'cunt?

Spoiler alert

A: The height of bad manners.

[close]

_{Alternatively:
Q: What is, on average, 5 foot 9?}

Spoiler alert

A: The height of Bad Manners, although Buster Bloodvessel brings the average up, being being 6foot 8.

Spoiler alert

[/sub]

[close]

[close]

[Pylon Man]

Rain man: King

[Garfield And Friends]

Frankie Boyle thinks that apple macintoshes are deliciously non pc.






_{*crunch crunch chomp crunch*}

[alan nagsworth]

The similarities between my classic Mao story and the 'Maow-maow' sketch from The League Of Gentlemen could easily be made into a joke of some sort, I'm just having trouble fine-tuning it.

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

My amateur coven told me to bring friendly bacteria to our next gathering. Turns out they were dabbling in the Yakult.

[Smeraldina Rima]

Ermolai Lopakhin: As you already know, your cherry orchard is to be sold to pay your debts, and the sale is fixed for August 22; but you needn't be alarmed, dear madam, you may sleep in peace; there's a way out. Here's my plan. Please attend carefully!

Mme. Ranevsky: Yes yes, whatever is fine. Fuck the cherry orchard!

Ermolai Lopahkin: Ah, very well. Will you except a Chekhov?

The play finishes early so the Old Vic crowd rush around the corner to see Alan Cumming in Gary Lineker.

Spoiler alert

I always fancied the big girl's blouse in Hansen.

[close]

[Sanguine Penguin]

Chinese archaeologists publish a report stating that whilst digging out a mine shaft, workman discovered what appeared to be a complex network of ancient copper wires at a depth of 100ft. After further study the archaeologists conclude that this is proof that China invented the telephone 1000 years ago.

A couple of weeks later Russian archaeologists publish a report claiming that they dug down 200ft and discovered the remnants of a system of rudimentary fibre optic cables. They state that this is proof that Russia invented broadband 2000 years ago.

Not to be outdone, American archaeologists dig down 500ft. They find absolutely nothing and claim that this is proof that 5000 years ago Native Americans were already using WiFi.

[Kishi the Bad Lampshade]

ALARM ALARM NOT YOUR JOKE

[An tSaoi]

[not mine either]Why is Monaghan like a pregnant cow?

Spoiler alert

They're both near Cavan!

[close]

Spoiler alert

LOLOLOLOLOLZ!!!11!

[close]

[/not mine either]

No more than three people will get this.