Jokes 2: The New Botch

[Garfield And Friends]

You idiot Mencias!





Why did the verbwhore cross the road?
Cunts. That's why.

[The Roofdog]

Word Magazine used my 'Sympathy for the Breville' line as an article headline in their last issue. I refuse to believe they came up with it independently, the thieving cunts.

[Morrisfan82]

Q: Why should Troy Tempest be careful when he ablutes?

A:

Spoiler alert

Because anything can happen in the next bath/shower

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[Hank_Kingsley]

What do you call it when two local teams compete against an 80s soul singer?

Spoiler alert

A Terence Trent DERBY!

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[Sanguine Penguin]

ALARM ALARM NOT YOUR JOKE

Ah, I didn't realise it was supposed to be 'an original' (though reading through the thread again I suppose it should have been obvious).

I did rewrite it to some extend though if that helps.

Maybe I should start an 'edit other peoples jokes in an effort to make them more coherent' thread.

Or maybe I shouldn't.

[Smeraldina Rima]

Why did Halitosis declare the glory of Trebor?

Spoiler alert

The firmer mint sheweth his handywork.

[close]

[Smeraldina Rima]

Why did Jeremy Clarkson dislike Portugal after the Revolução dos Cravos?

Spoiler alert

He thought they were a pink car nation. And had some sympathy for the Estado Novo regime.

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[the midnight watch baboon]

How come the poorly man on trial for molesting a lofty water-obtaining feature never got sent down?

Spoiler alert

Because he didn't feel at all well ("a tall well")

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[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

Why did the mushroom get invited to so many parties?

Spoiler alert

Because he was a 'much room' to be with!

[close]

My wife's gone to the Caribbean!

Spoiler alert

"Did she go of her own accord?"

[close]

Spoiler alert

No, she had no other option!

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How do you make a Matthew Perry?

Spoiler alert

Ferment a pear for him!

[close]

Why is the Extra Terrestrial so short?

Spoiler alert

Because of his initials!

[close]

Why did Norman Foster?

Spoiler alert

Because Richard Rogers!

[close]

What do you call a man with jelly and sponge in one ear, and custard in the other?

Spoiler alert

A 'trifle' man!

[close]

How did the cast of Friends cross the river?

Spoiler alert

Well, David Schwimmer, but Lisa Kudrow!

[close]

What do you call a black man flying a helicopter?

Spoiler alert

Anything you like - he can't hear you, you racist!

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and so on.

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

 "My wife had an orgasm in the Caribbean the other day."
"Jamaica?"
"No, she came of her own accord!"

[the midnight watch baboon]

"My wife works for Hartley's Jams!"

"Jam-maker?"

"Yes".

[HappyTree]

Wikipedia punchline jokes:


My wife's going to the Caribbean

Oh, Greater or Lesser Antilles?

Spoiler alert

Neither. The Bahamas, though part of the West Indies, are generally not included among the Antillean islands.

[close]

[Pylon Man]

My dog's got no nose.

How does he smell?

Spoiler alert

The olfactory bulb in dogs is roughly forty times bigger than the olfactory bulb in humans, relative to total brain size, with 125 to 220 million smell-sensitive receptors.

[close]

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

My wife's going to a landlocked country in Eastern Europe.
Moldova?
Well yes, she did give it some careful consideration actually.

[the midnight watch baboon]

MY wife's gone to a South Pacific island to buy a Flymo, but I just can't remember which island it is!

Samoa?

(Pause)...I know it's a mower, but where the hell has she gone!?

[Smeraldina Rima]

My wife Becky is going on holiday somewhere... I forget where. It's bobsleigh time! Kiss my lucky egg!

Uzbekistan?

Stan's her father, a separate person, but he's going as well, to Jamaica.


My wife and her father are back from their holday in what's it?

Uzbekistan...?

...oh, it's lovely, Becky's tan is just lovely. She got it in Jamaica, at one of the tanning booths. It's funny, they're famous for the bobsleding, but the weather is hot hot hot! She needn't have payed.

[Jemble Fred]

What goes 'Woof woof, bark!'?

Spoiler alert

A fucking dog.

[close]

[Robot DeNiro]

- My wife's gone to a sports camp in the 14th fastest growing state in America

Spoiler alert

- Tennessee?
- Well, it's quite tennis-y but I think they focus mainly on golf.

[close]

- My wife tried to pre-arrange some time to relax in Romania....

Spoiler alert

- Bucharest?
- You can't book, apparently you just have to turn up and wait.

[close]

- My wife's opened a bakery somewhere in America

Spoiler alert

- Wisconsin?
- No, just bread and pastries

[close]

[rudi]

Did you see the couple who had just split up on that talent show last night?

X Factor?

No, I think they'd just drifted apart.

[Robot DeNiro]

How does Calvin Harris get ready to kick people when they're down?

Spoiler alert

He puts on his shoes, and he's ready for the weakened.

[close]

[Wadded Bliss]

I've just joined a charity called The Atheists.

They're a non-prophet organisation.

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

My wife's got a job working the traffic lights near a tube station in Chiswick!

Spoiler alert

"Turnham Green?"

[close]

Spoiler alert

Well, some of the time, yes.

[close]

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Q. What do you call a plinth with ten gay men dressed as traffic wardens, a gorilla dressed as Harold Larwood, a million whelks assembled to look like a piano, all Barbara Windsor's pants and a choir of androgynous middle distance runners on it?

A. No, seriously, there must be a name for all that

[the midnight watch baboon]

Does your mum like the river Severn?

No, she's an Avon lady.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Q.Does your mum like Stringer Bell?

A.No, she's an Avon Lady.


Q.Does your mum like Proposition Joe?

A. No, not really. In fact I don't think she knows who he is.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Hey! Hey! Hey hey hey! HEY! Hey Hey! Hey Hey! HEY! HEY! Hey!



sorry, I've got heyfever.

^{i think i've done that one before}

[HappyTree]

My brother-in-law's uncle has taken to performing impromptu street theatre at selected stations on London Underground's Northern Line.

Clapham Common?

Yes, his audiences seem to enjoy it greatly.

[thepuffpastryhangman]

I considered allowing myself to be dressed as a lady to help deceive prospective purchasers of my faulty drinks cooler, but years earlier I'd vowed that no one would ever drag me to Miss Selfridge again.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Which NFL team have been hired by the producer of the Transformers films to box up his DVD stock using environmentally friendly materials?

Spoiler alert

the Green Bay Packers

[close]

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

^:D

What time do santa's helpers get up on Christmas Day?

Spoiler alert

Elf O Clock!

[close]

What did santa's helpers call themselves after a bitter pay dispute with Santa?

Spoiler alert

The National Elf Service

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