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Stuff wot you wrote

Started by alan nagsworth, April 10, 2009, 05:17:05 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

alan nagsworth

A thread for all your soppy text-based musings, I suppose. Poetry, lyrics, links to text files of stories you've written... I guess it's not really an appropriate place for reviews or articles you've written, as they're not exactly an art form, but anything else remotely arty and wordy is welcome, so sez me.

Here's something I wrote yesterday inspired by the hopeless attraction us blokes seemingly have to corruptive, seductive women. I tried to make it simultaneously beautiful and disturbing without going OTT on either factor:

Siren Song

Walking through a hive of bees
The buzzing incessant
See the Queen command the drones
The moves you make are omnipresent

Every step an earthquake
Every breath disturbs the trees
Every time you sigh, you pierce
The atmosphere with your summer breeze

Eyes like swirling maelstrom
Pulling men down to their doom
You split me into driftwood
Floating face down in the light of the moon

Your mouth is like a loaded gun
Words heavier than lead
And when you shoot your mouth off
Hear them ricochet inside my head

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Come to think of it, I did write that. Thanks for reminding me.

purlieu

Oh, right, lyrics time then.

'Please Note Smoking Is Not Permitted On Any Part Of This Station'

The 11.30's been cancelled again
The 11.45's moved to platform ten
We apologise for the delay to this service
We apologise if the station smells of piss

Please buy your ticket, tho' it won't be checked
Please note the timetable is never correct
Over-priced drinks are at the rear of the train
We're afraid to announce the toilets aren't working
Again

I've spent half my life rotting away
On Birmingham New Street, day after day
The amount of money I have to pay
To waste on this "service", it's not okay

The train is too full, you'll just have to stand
First class is empty, standard is crammed
Your reserved seat has not been reserved
If you're stupid enough to use us, this is what
You deserve

I've spent half my life rotting away
On Birmingham New Street, day after day
The amount of money I have to pay
To waste on this "service", it's not okay


'Your Fault Or Mine?'

Yeah I know the history but doesn't everyone? 
The ups the downs (the near terminal downs)
but how did it come to this?  We're so fucking comfortable
so why don't we think of each other in that time apart? 

Three weeks without considering your name
makes up for your body in my arms when we wake
I respect you I want you I don't need you. 
Too many irretievable chances; yes, just seeing you holds me back. 

But I'm just there for when you leave without a boy on your arm. 
Or is it the other way round? 
What a sorry state of affairs. 
Maybe I just had a bit too much red wine this time. 

I can't wish ill on you
I (literally) can't even put you down
but sometimes I envision a life without the confusion. 
A fantasy of actual freedom. 

Is it an expression of my terminal self malice
masochism in indulgence? 
Or simply a lack of self discipline? 
It will not do.  It will not do.  It will not do. 

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Hmm. I decided to have a look at some old stuff I didn't do anything with. There's no tags so no-one can hurt me anonymously!

****

nothing new

i tried to milk it but you wanted something new
stare at both of us

turn in the earth- cause and effect
im just glad of that impact alone

to spite you

apply yourself to something                   
does patience count for anything?
to lie on this shelf's nothing new

minor tension in the past is nothing new
take a look at me

age in the eyes- pile on the pity
im just glad of that impact alone

to spite you
apply yourself to something
does patience mean anything

to lie on this shelf's nothing new

a walk in the city won't help
a thousand hands regret the rush
as tempers flare
the park's no hiding place
watching the world escape
nothing to endanger
nothing to save

parked inside you bite off slightly more than you can chew
stare at both of us

turn in reverse- sound the alarm- panic button
im just glad of that impact alone

to lie upon this shelf is nothing new

****

Might actually do something with that, I still vaguely remember how the chords go.

biggytitbo

Des Lynam's diary extract -

January 12th

Did the Premiership. Just going through the motions these days. I'm sure that Ally McCoist winked at me during the warm up. Then when he leaped to his feet after Owen scored I'm sure he brushed my buttocks with his hand.

January 13th

Spent all day sat in my underpants watching reruns of Home to Roost. Had cheese strings for tea.

January 21st

Did the Premiership again. Ally hardly said a word to me all evening. He was laughing and joking with Andy Townsend though. I hate that twat.

January 22nd

Trimmed moustache. Had cheesestrings for dinner.

January 25th

Got an invite to appear on the Graham Norton show. Had to agree to judge a gay Des Lynam look-alike competition, so I turned it down. I don't want people associating my moustache with homosexuality.

January 28th

Ally was in great form today. Cracking jokes all evening. He has such a cheeky smile. During a dull 0-0 I noticed him staring at me out of the corner of my eye. For about 10 minutes.

February 2nd

My wife has gone out to the seaside so I decided to spend all day in the nude. Watched reruns of last night's show. He was definitely staring at me.

February 3rd

I went for a dump earlier on and it wouldn't flush. Its just staring at me everytime I go in the bathroom.

February 4th

Spent most of the morning eating jam with a fork just to see if it can be done. It can but its too much effort.

February 5th

Recorded the Premiership. Ally wasn't there.

February 6th

I was a bit bored today so I made a little duck out of putty.

February 7th

Went out and bought a can of Special Brew and five packets of cheesestrings. I think my irritable bowel is flaring up again so the Special brew could be a mistake. Ally still isn't answering my calls, I got through to his answering machine earlier and left him a message about my malformed stools but I'm not sure if he'll ever get it.

February 8th

Had some cheese strings for dinner.

February 12th.

Ally still isn't back. During a piece to the camera I actually shed a little tear. I don't think anyone noticed. I don't care anymore.

February 14th

Got up at 4 am, but the postman still hadn't come. Got up again at half 8 but still no cards. Spent the rest of the morning weeping in the cellar.

February 15th

Was fed up of being depressed so I went out to get some porn. Sadly, they didn't have "Bare Lady Day" so I got one called 'The Bare Bitch Project' instead. It was good but my erection failed after I saw a man in the film who looked a bit like Tom Selleck. I hate him, he's a big bender.

February 19th

blah blah blah.

February 20th

I think my tashe is lovely. Tried to rub my willy against it again but something snapped. Wife took me into casualty.

February 21st

Got home from hospital. I have to take 3 weeks off work because I hurt my back. Won't see Ally for nearly a month. Sigh.

February 27th

Accidentally shaved my tashe a bit too much on one side and had to do the other side to match. It's all lop-sided and I hate myself. Hid in the wardrobe all afternoon. Came out at 8.30 and inspected my tashe. It's not as bad as I thought but it still looks wrong. No wonder Ally hates me.

purlieu


Little Hoover

Me too.

It reminded me a little bit of the "secret diary of 'famous premiership footballer' " you would get in "Match" magazine

Shoulders?-Stomach!

That was great biggy.

I like purlieu's train frustration lyrics quite a lot too.

biggytitbo

Some of Moria Stewart's private thoughts -

Good evening, I'm Moira Stewart and I'm about to share with you the time I pleasured myself live on national television.

It happened when I was presenting the 9 o'clock news with Nicholas Witchel in 1987. And if that alone is not enough to get a girl dripping I don't know what is.

The news was rather dull that night, just Maggie Thatcher announcing the execution of gays. To be honest I was just going through the motions reading the autocue as my mind wandered to the time, 10 years before, when Trevor McDonald laid me down across his lap and spanked my bare buttocks until they were raw and tender.

Naturally with such a thought, my hand slipped down under my skirt and I began to gently massage my inflamed love button.

I tried hard to stifle my moans of pleasure but I couldnt contain myself. All I could think of was he image of Trevor stood in front of me with his massive black cock in his hand. This just got me even randier.

As my moans of ecstasy grew louder I noticed Nicolas becoming increasingly distracted and his eyes kept glancing towards me as he was reading the news. Just as he was reading a story about interest rates going up 1/4 % I came like an express train and shouted at the top of my voice 'Fuck me like a pig you ginger cock monster'.

All credit to Nicolas, he carried on as if nothing had happened, like the true professional he is. He did me up the shitter later that night though.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Hahaha, these are awesome. :-)

'you ginger cock monster'....

biggytitbo

Many years ago I used to do one of those hilarious (un)funny news websites, which was largely shite, with the very occasional bit that was very mildly funny.

Barry Chuckle's hangliding rage -

We've obtained a series of secret emails written by Barry Chuckle to a local hangliding club.

From: barrychuckle@hotmail.com
To: Rotherham Gliding Club
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2002 8:00 PM

Dear Sir

I'm writing to enquire about the possibility of taking hangliding lessons with your firm. I have always wanted to take hangliding lessons, as I find the idea of soaring through the clouds quite beguiling and magical. Please could you furnish me with full details about your courses and how much each lesson would be.

Yours,

Barry Chuckle

PS/ do you charge for helmets? I've got an old motorbike helmet in the shed so perhaps this could be taken into account with the pricing

--------

From: gwtennant@gtpursuits.co.uk
To: barrychuckle@hotmail.com
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2002 11:05 PM

Dear Mr Chuckle,

Thank you for your interest in our hangliding facilities. Our hourly lesson rates are as follows:

1 hour - £35
2 hours - £50
3 hours - £65

As for your helmet enquiry, by law you would have to use one of ours and so we would be unable to offer you any discount.

Please feel free to drop by anytime for a tour around our premises.

Yours,

Gary Tennant
(Rotherham Gliding Club)

-------

From: barrychuckle@hotmail.com
To: Rotherham Gliding Club
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2002 11:06 PM

Thanks for your reply,

It seems a bit petty not to allow me to use my own helmet. I mean how much of the cost of each lessons is the helmet? Surely we could come to some arrangement by which I use my own helmet thus discounting the cost of you supplying the helmet yourselves?

Yours,

Barry Chuckle

PS/ What kind of helmet do I need? will an old motorbike helmet do?

--------

From: gwtennant@gtpursuits.co.uk
To: barrychuckle@hotmail.com
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2002 2:35 PM

Dear My Chuckle,

I would have to insist you used our own equipment, as it is assured to comply with British Safety Standards. Our helmets and all other items are included in the price of the training and so with or without your own helmet, the charge would be the same. I hope this information has been helpful to you and I hope to see you visiting our centre in the near future.

Yours,

Gary Tennant
(Rotherham Gliding Club)

-------

From: barrychuckle@hotmail.com
To: Rotherham Gliding Club
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2002 2:36 PM

Yeah but the helmets must cost you something and hence this must be reflected in the price for your lessons. Surely if I was to supply my own helmet then it would save you the trouble and expense of supplying a helmet yourself and this must reflected in at least a small discount on the overall price of the lesson. What type of helmet do you use? I have an old motorbike helmet in the shed can I use this?

Barry Chuckle,

PS/ it's an old motorbike helmet...will this do? The strap is broken but that could be repaired.

-------

From: gwtennant@gtpursuits.co.uk
To: barrychuckle@hotmail.com
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2002 3:57 PM

Mr Chuckle,

I would really have to insist you did not bring your own helmet. I'm afraid your motorbike helmet would not be suitable as all equipment has to be risk assessed before use. I'm sure you must appreciate we have to abide by safety standards.

Yours,

Gary Tennant
(Rotherham Gliding Club)

--------

From: barrychuckle@hotmail.com
To: Rotherham Gliding Club
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2002 3:58 PM

What kind of helmet is it then? Surely it can't be that different to s standard motorbike helmet?...If you let us know the exact specifications of the helmet I'll get my cousin to adapt mine and I can use that. How much discount will I get for using my own helmet?

Yours,

Barry Chuckle

PS/ Glad we have come to an agreement! No use you forking out for helmets when I have my own is there?!

-------

From: gwtennant@gtpursuits.co.uk
To: barrychuckle@hotmail.com
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2002 5:12 PM

Mr Chuckle,

If you insisted in bringing your own helmet (however it had been adapted) I would have to refuse you admission into our centre. I cannot be flexible with safety laws and must once again inform you that you would have to use our own equipment. I can only assure you that it is perfectly safe and we have many sizes of helmets and harnesses to ensure your personal comfort.

Yours,

Gary Tennant
(Rotherham Gliding Club)

-------

From: barrychuckle@hotmail.com
To: Rotherham Gliding Club
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2002 5:13 PM

Ohh come on! what difference does it make to you if I supply my own helmet? Safety is one thing but your just been awkward. How much is this helmet racket making you for god sake? It's all well and good supply gliding lessons but your obviously just exploiting people with this ridiculous helmet scam. For fuck sake surely a helmet is a helmet? If I supply my own its only decent to offer me a small discount...please supply me a quote for lessons with my own helmet or I shall be forced to aplly elsewhere,

Yours,

B Chuckle

ps/ don't let a helmet spoil it

-------

From: gwtennant@gtpursuits.co.uk
To: barrychuckle@hotmail.com
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2002 5:27 PM

Mr Chuckle,

I can only suggest that if you feel that strongly about using your own helmet then you try another centre. However I assure you that no other outdoors centre will indulge you in this. I hope that you will reconsider.

Yours

Gary Tennant
(Rotherham Gliding Club)

-------

From: barrychuckle@hotmail.com
To: Rotherham Gliding Club
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2002 5:28 PM

Fuck you.

Your stupid rules have goine and ruined the whole thing. Your absurd helmet rule is making you a laughing stock and you are obviously too stupid to see this. I have nothing but contempt for you and your pathetic facsist laws,

Barry Chuckle

PS/ How much are abseiling lessons?


Dennis Wise

Vinnie gave everything in training and in matches. Quite simply, he ran his heart out. Me and him were always at the front in the three-mile runs we used to have. I had a bit more pace, so I would invariably beat him to the line but not once did he give up. The one thing we did have to change about him when he arrived was his haircut. It was a real rascal, very curly and just like a perm.

I am sure he is glad he changed that!

Retinend

Parnell's natural leadership qualities and idolised image at home, equalling O'Connell in his prime, created a highly disciplined party with almost unanimous Irish support. With its decisive minority, the Home Rule party forced the Tories and Whigs to compete for their support. Parnell's brief Conservative-alliance resulted in the 1885 Ashbourne Act, granting 100% loans; yet another nail in the Anglican Ascendancy's coffin. Whilst it was a piece of luck that the election of 1885 granted Parnell the balance of power by just one seat, this power would not have been Parnell's were it not for the power of the party he had maintained. Observing the incredible popularity of Parnell's party, Gladstone was finally convinced that Ireland could not be 'pacified', and that Home Rule was just.
The fact that the 1886 First Home Rule Bill failed to pass through the Commons, added to the knowledge that the House of Lords would certainly have rejected it in any circumstance, would seem to render the achievement of the Bill rather hollow, but even the act of bringing this Bill into existence was a monumental feat. No Irish leader had come nearly so close to advancing the Nationalist cause, and Parnell could never have hoped for more, as even a significant number of Liberals were opposed, fearing it would jeopardise British Imperialism. The Bill's legacy would prove to be Parnell's most effective advancement of the Nationalist cause, with the Liberals remaining committed to Home Rule after his death. This Liberal policy led to the 1893 and 1912 Bills, and eventually the 1914 Act. The threat of Home Rule also inspired the Conservatives' attempts to assuage Irish disillusion through reform. In this respect, the 1898 Local Governments and 1903 Wyndhams Acts were advancements of the Catholic cause attributable, posthumously, to Parnell.
It could be argued that Parnell, in tying himself so closely with the Liberals with the 1886 Home Rule Bill, had weakened his own party. As David Boyce so eloquently summarises, "It was perhaps tragic, but appropriate, that in 1886, Parnell destroyed Parnellism, and in 1891, Parnellism destroyed Parnell" . From 1886, 'Parnellism' was dead, with the party now essentially a third leg of the Liberals, and it was this restrictive allegiance which ended his political career in 1891, his tragic death following shortly after. This sacrifice, however, was one which was essential in pushing Irish Nationalism outside the realm of rhetoric and futile insurrections, and into action. The legacy of his achievement, despite its short term failure, validates his concessions.


etc etc +2,500 words

edit: po-faced essaywriting IS my art


Pylon Man

Quote from: biggytitbo on April 11, 2009, 08:27:19 PM
Some of Moria Stewart's private thoughts -

This isn't massively far from the truth according to wikipedia and the Guardian:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moira_Stuart#Personal_life
QuoteShe has also received other advances, one memorably by John Humphrys at the end of the Six O'Clock News. "You're the most sensationally sexy lady I know. The best thing we can do for the next few hours is to make mad passionate love in the basement." This was caught by the sub-titles although the microphone was off.

Fry

Quote from: biggytitbo on April 11, 2009, 06:30:04 PM
Des Lynam's diary extract -

January 12th

Did the Premiership. Just going through the motions these days. I'm sure that Ally McCoist winked at me during the warm up. Then when he leaped to his feet after Owen scored I'm sure he brushed my buttocks with his hand.

January 13th

Spent all day sat in my underpants watching reruns of Home to Roost. Had cheese strings for tea.

January 21st

Did the Premiership again. Ally hardly said a word to me all evening. He was laughing and joking with Andy Townsend though. I hate that twat.

January 22nd

Trimmed moustache. Had cheesestrings for dinner.

January 25th

Got an invite to appear on the Graham Norton show. Had to agree to judge a gay Des Lynam look-alike competition, so I turned it down. I don't want people associating my moustache with homosexuality.

January 28th

Ally was in great form today. Cracking jokes all evening. He has such a cheeky smile. During a dull 0-0 I noticed him staring at me out of the corner of my eye. For about 10 minutes.

February 2nd

My wife has gone out to the seaside so I decided to spend all day in the nude. Watched reruns of last night's show. He was definitely staring at me.

February 3rd

I went for a dump earlier on and it wouldn't flush. Its just staring at me everytime I go in the bathroom.

February 4th

Spent most of the morning eating jam with a fork just to see if it can be done. It can but its too much effort.

February 5th

Recorded the Premiership. Ally wasn't there.

February 6th

I was a bit bored today so I made a little duck out of putty.

February 7th

Went out and bought a can of Special Brew and five packets of cheesestrings. I think my irritable bowel is flaring up again so the Special brew could be a mistake. Ally still isn't answering my calls, I got through to his answering machine earlier and left him a message about my malformed stools but I'm not sure if he'll ever get it.

February 8th

Had some cheese strings for dinner.

February 12th.

Ally still isn't back. During a piece to the camera I actually shed a little tear. I don't think anyone noticed. I don't care anymore.

February 14th

Got up at 4 am, but the postman still hadn't come. Got up again at half 8 but still no cards. Spent the rest of the morning weeping in the cellar.

February 15th

Was fed up of being depressed so I went out to get some porn. Sadly, they didn't have "Bare Lady Day" so I got one called 'The Bare Bitch Project' instead. It was good but my erection failed after I saw a man in the film who looked a bit like Tom Selleck. I hate him, he's a big bender.

February 19th

blah blah blah.

February 20th

I think my tashe is lovely. Tried to rub my willy against it again but something snapped. Wife took me into casualty.

February 21st

Got home from hospital. I have to take 3 weeks off work because I hurt my back. Won't see Ally for nearly a month. Sigh.

February 27th

Accidentally shaved my tashe a bit too much on one side and had to do the other side to match. It's all lop-sided and I hate myself. Hid in the wardrobe all afternoon. Came out at 8.30 and inspected my tashe. It's not as bad as I thought but it still looks wrong. No wonder Ally hates me.

Hahahaha, fantastic stuff there biggy.

Sam

My two stoner love poems, written in less than half an hour, after months of reading too much Mallarme, collected in one place for the first time!

********************************

A Boat on the Ocean - for Anouska, December 2008

Your hair is a snowstorm of leaves in autumn
and your eyes, emerald incense that quivers in the mirror
and almost forgets its time in the squandered abyss
when, burning to be born your sobs glided through space
and I was tremoring in the breeze stifled by a thousand arcs

How soon you dissipate, how often in the night
when the ashen coals of the dusk glimmer and an enchantress whispers into the evening
do you appear in my lone and lunar thoughts
each shadow in the tawny horizon sending me an imprisoned radiance
And how you have haunted me, each realization burning softly

Until after sand and glass you beckon
and we walk in the street and I drown again in your hair
another snowstorm, another wild paradise
each journey a sailboat, each ripple a dream of the next
And still what I found in the rust is embedded in the dawn of this uncertain breeze.

*********************************

Poem for Anouska, Wednesday 11 February 2009

Reddened strands of fire.
They flicker and flow past
the emerald oceans,
and a glow of sadness
is casting a soft brightness
on all of this.

Golden evenings.
They appear and unfreeze
the icey hours,
and a ray of sunlight
is illuminating a corner
in all of me.

The intertwining tendrils.
They spiral and unfurl
in languorous awakening
and a breath of clouds
is revealing an August
in all of time.

gloria

Did you know The Smiths once recorded a Christmas single but that it was never released?  The lyrics went thusly:

We All Adore a Vulgar Yule - Lyrics
Oh see how the star shines down from the tree
Illuminating an afternoon of singular misery
Father drunk and asleep in his chair
Mother's face a cringing picture of despair
The turkey so tasteless and so dry
And now the Queen's on the television and you want to
Gouge out her eyes.

CHORUS
We all adore a vulgar Yule
The lure of the tinsel
And the presence of presents
Turns us into fools
Yes we all adore a vulgar Yule
Demanding James Bond and muppets
Until our brains turn into gruel

The stocking's suspended like a hanged man
Stuffed with cellophane-wrapped chocolate and cans of SPAM
Why do your fingers tremble as they open the box
When you know damn well it's going to be socks?
Auntie Rita's happy with her ironing board cover
But Uncle Alan's hit the Scotch and is contemplating
Taking up a lover

CHORUS

MIDDLE EIGHT
Old Mrs Pettigrew's so quiet next door
You've never known her not to pop around and say hello before
So you go round there, you see all the lights are dulled
And find the wine unmulled and the crackers unpulled
Hyperthermia has claimed another bride
Frozen fast to her chair, Goldeneye on ITV was the last thing
She saw before she died

CHORUS
Oh we all adore a vulgar funeral
The lure of the eulogy
And the cake at the wake
Turns us into fools
Yes we all adore a vulgar funeral
The hats and the hypocrisy
The stiff drinks and the handshakes
Set me all a-drool

Kishi the Bad Lampshade

Very nice, as I was reading I could hear the guitars jangling in my head like sleighbells. Though perhaps Mozza would have a little more to say on the murdered turkey than that it was dry?

Anyone want to tell me how shit my shitty short story is? Ta.

http://tossr.com/2009/05/11/my-coffee-shop-angel/

vrailaine

That Des Lynham thing is great.
Anyone able to tell me how I could make this a bit more "eventful"... always have a habit of spending more time being different than interesting with these things. Got bored of my blog so I'm trying to do some short plays/film things with some friends at college next year. Silly and all, but still sounds like a fun thing to do, certainly less terrifying than standup.


THERE ARE SOME DESKS(MINIMUM 2, CAPABLE OF BEING USED BY TWO PEOPLE ON ONE SIDE) AND SEVERAL CHAIRS ON THE STAGE. AT ONE DESK(CENTRE STAGE) IS ALAN, HE IS FACING THE AUDIENCE WITH A LARGE NUMBER OF BOOKS IN FRONT OF HIM, INITIALLY BLOCKING HIS FACE FROM THE AUDIENCE. PLAY BEGINS WITH SEVERAL SECONDS SILENCE, FOLLOWED BY TOM STUMBLING ACROSS THE STAGE AND KNOCKING OVER THE BOOKS. ALAN IS UNPHASED AND SCRIBBLING FURIOUSLY INTO A NOTEPAD.

TOM: [Picking up books] Jesus man, sorry, thought I saw someone over there. [Looks at ALAN] Hey, we done a project together earlier this year?
ALAN: [Without looking up] Don't think so.
TOM: I'm sure you were in our group... don't remember?
ALAN: [Still writing] Done mine alone.
TOM: Yeah, that's what you done. We arranged a meeting and all, you came along, said something like "I don't want any of you ruining this project, I'll do it all" and stormed out. Thought you were fecking mental, done a good job though.
ALAN: [Looks up] ...you got points for it?      
TOM: Yep, full marks and all, thanks a million for that man. [Pause] Okay if I sit there? [Points towards vacant seat at Alan's desk]
ALAN: [Resumes studying, warily] Go ahead.
TOM SITS AND PROCEEDS TO TAKE OUT NUMEROUS UNTENSILS FROM HIS BAG UNTIL EMPTY, NONE OF WHICH ARE COURSE RELATED. STARTS LOOKING IN TOWARDS THE BOOK ALAN IS READING, ALAN GRADUALLY GETS AGITATED. ALAN EVENTUALLY SLAMS THE BOOK SHUT AND GLARES DIRECTLY AT TOM.
TOM: So... what're we studying then?
ALAN: We?
TOM: Yeah, you just said we could.
ALAN: Nope, said you could sit down there, didn't say anything about being Study Buddies.
TOM: Meaning "Can I study with you?" Shur the place is empty, why else would I want to sit beside someone else when I could get a full desk for myself?   
ALAN: Dunno, just thought you didn't wanna risk having an empty seat beside you is all.
TOM: What?
ALAN: Like y'know sometimes you'd decide it's better to sit in beside someone who looks okay before the place fills up?
TOM: [Pause, confused] Not with you.
ALAN: ...in case you wind up having some prick beside you later when it fills up? [TOM stares blankly at ALAN, He groans and resumes] It happens loadsa times, have a look around you the next time you're on public transport. No matter how empty it is, you'll see that the most pleasant, friendliest, nicest looking person on it will have something like Rain Man beside them.
TOM: Well, I'm not Rain Man, was diagnosed with A.D.D. when I was younger.
ALAN: What has that to do with anything?
TOM: Rain Man was autistic, the A.D.D. would cancel out any Autism I could get.   
ALAN: I don't think it works that way.
TOM: Sure it does, there used to be a little one of those Rain Men in my school and he used to stand there all day in the hall just banging this fecking door. [Thumps table in unison, large breaks between words] Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, B-
ALAN: [Grabs TOM's hand, Interrupting] Shush-sh, what's the banging about?
TOM: Well he'd have to be fairly bloody focused, he would be, banging all day like that for years. Attention Surplus Disorder, that's what that is.
ALAN: Not sure about that, although I understand what you're say- what the fuck am I doing?! If I let you study with me, will you shut up?
TOM: Sure thing.

ALAN:
Right, what'll we study?
TOM: What is there to study?
ALAN: [Confused with reply] Um, we could study philosophy, since it's closest and all.
TOM: What is philosophy?
ALAN: Really? It's one of our modules.
TOM: What is a module?
ALAN: [Raised voice, angry] It's a subject, a subject, which we study, for this course, a subject.
TOM: Ah but are we not studying many subjects all at once in the giant course of life?
ALAN: [Sharply] Fine, we'll do something else. Math?
TOM: What is math?
ALAN: It's something you're gonna fail if we have to start that far into the basics.         
TOM: [Grinning] Calm down man, was just being "philosophical" s'all. Sure that's all there is to it, easy.   
ALAN: [Wryly] You'll have no problem with philosophy... so math?
TOM: Sure.
ALAN: Math it is!
TOM: Math it is, ma-tit-is, mat-it-is, mat-hit-is.
ALAN: [Moaning]What now?
TOM: Awkward to say, isn't it? Like Hit [Pause] Ler.
ALAN: Hit [longer pause] Ler?                  
TOM: Yes, Hit [Pause] Ler, say it any faster and it comes out wrong. Hiccler, Hit-cler, Hit-eh-ler.
ALAN: Hit [Long Pause] Ler, Hit [Pause] Ler, Hit [slight pause] Ler, Hickler. Dammit! Shush, study, study, study.      
   
ALAN GRABS THE MATH BOOK, OPENS IT AND BEGINS SCRIBBLING. TOM STARTS STARING OVER ALAN'S SHOULDER AGAIN.
TOM: Not gonna get out your books?
ALAN: Don't have any.
TOM: What's in that bag then? It's packed!
ALAN SLOWLY PRODUCES FLASK, CUP AND LUNCHBOX FROM BAG.
TOM: Why'd you bring all that?
ALAN: The prices in the canteen are insane, so I said "If I'm gonna be here all day, may as well bring some food with me" Fancy a cup of tea?
TOM: No thanks.
ALAN: I've got more than one cup and all, it's no problem serious!
TOM: I'm fine.
ALAN: Coffee? Soup? Tea, I've got 3 different kinds?
TOM: It's okay, really.
ALAN: Instant curry? Complan?
TOM: ...yet no books? Really? Seriously?
ALAN: Not a one. Why?
TOM: It's an awful lot of food to bring isn't it? I mean, are you planning on studying or eating? Look at all I bring for the day [Takes a box of energy bars out of his bag]
ALAN: [Pause] That all?
TOM: Yep, and that's absolutely everything I need for the day. Read that [Hands over and points at box]
ALAN: "Calories 20%, Sugars 20%, Fat 20%, Saturates 20%, Salt 20%," and it just goes on and on like that. "of an adult's daily guideline amount"
TOM: Pack of 5, so 5 of them a day is the exact amount of nutrition I need each day. I've got it down to a tee with my daily timetable; got my day planned out so well that I've been using every drop of energy from each bar, haven't had to take a toilet break in a week.
ALAN: Jeez, I don't think that's the way you're supposed to use those bars. Want me to mix you up a smoothie in my blender now? I'll go find somewhere to plug it in.

Quietly Pissangel

Quote from: biggytitbo on April 11, 2009, 09:04:08 PM
Many years ago I used to do one of those hilarious (un)funny news websites, which was largely shite, with the very occasional bit that was very mildly funny.

Barry Chuckle's hangliding rage -
This was wonderful.

Shoulders?-Stomach!


poem

Hard Won

peroxide peroxide
dying to impress
walk the grandma stooped and hunched
to think this person fucked someone once

blonde now blonde now
dying to appeal
surprise as all the paths
are still surprisingly closed for you

its a mindset
and clothed is how you are best kept
chemicals for the upsets
fake is not how you are best baked

your tits heave the books from the bookshelf
stare down at the family album
that moment wasnt about yourself
treasure it, that was hard-won

focus on the catheter, mind over matter
false nails crack as the tea-tray shatters
strawberry grey your distraught frame sways
pay for it later, write-off today

peroxide peroxide
dying to impress
dodder home stooped and hunched
to think this person fucked someone once

I found this on the computer. It's a sort of sports narrative; part literature, part theatre. I almost went looking for the juvenalia thread but then decided that I would never have a better opportunity to post in this thread:

TENNIS

Mark was only playing tennis because it was Wimbledon. He had a snooker table and a dartboard sat at home as a result of television coverage. Both of these sports were more suited to Mark's physique and prospects. Mark thought that if he trained for two hours a day five times a week he could be, say, number twenty... 'Top three Brits at least'.

His low point came as the second of a possible three sets with his father got going. Mark and his father were situated on the middle of three public courts made of gravel. One of his tennis court neighbours pluckily overruled Mark's out call.
'That was on the line actually, mate'
'Oh was it. Yeah, I think that one probably was actually, Dad.'
Mark umpired his way to a lot of victories and didn't expect strangers butting in. Nevertheless, he didn't want to get confrontational in case he inadvertently rallied anyone else's opinion. The rest of the game saw Mark's form drop. The guy had set an example and whether he intended to keep it up or not, the threat was a continuing encumbrance.

6-7 6-1 6-0

Highlights of the third set:
Mark's racket goes flying as he grumpily wallops a ball out of the court at 40-love down.
Mark's dad: Come on, don't just give up Mark. There's plenty still to play for.
Mark:  I might as well just practice my shots though now, to be honest. I can feel free to just play my shots now. I'll get the ball after.


TENNIS Ends.

thepuffpastryhangman

From a tag in Lee v Hammond:

Look once, look twice, yes, you might've seen the man before, maybe on TV years some years ago, you're not sure. But what is certain is the man has a real hamster (trimmed to fit) attached to his upper lip. What? Why? Who? You may well ask, here's some answers:
The man, comedian Richard Herring, the hamster, "died for a cause" says Herring "which is more than most of us can hope for" he quickly adds. But why a hamster? Herring explains "For years the hamster was the preserve of children, innocent, nurturing fun. And there was Hammy Hamster, star of classic television series 'Tales From The Riverbank'. Then, with the tripartite presentation of Top Gear, a new hamster was in town, altogether more sinister." He means, of course, Richard "the hamster" Hammond. Herring continues "It's tragic that the hamster, once a harmless, living, plaything, a friend of children and rotostack suppliers everywhere suddenly, almost overnight, was robbed of its meaning, robbed of the safe, comforting persona we've all grown to love over decades. This new hamster revved engines, hung out with Clarkson, crashed a rocket car and wrote a bestseller." But how are the public reacting? "At first, shock" said Herring "but when I explain just why I'm wearing this hamster on my upper lip, most educated people understand." Any close scrapes? "Yes" Herring told me, "One group of environmentalists thought I was some raving Top Gear fan, they threatened to drench me in bio-diesel and to try to set me alight. But I explained I was a comedian, and it turned out of their great grandfathers had done the voice for GP in the original Tales TV series. He was in the same halls as me at Oxford." Than k goodness.

the midnight watch baboon

Here is the only sketch I have ever written, a few years' ago,which I found on me hard drive this morning, I think you'll find it's shitty pretty.

Chris Tarrant vs Housewife, for radio.

FX: Phone rings

ANNE:
Hello..

CT:

Hello Anne?

ANNE:
Hello?

CT:

Hi, it's Chris Tarrant here!

ANNE:

Oh...hello!

CT:

Good evening! Anne, you sound shocked to be hearing from me!

ANNE:

Umm, well, yes! Am I a..err..

CT:
A phone a friend on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

ANNE:

Yes! I didn't even know I was a..

CT:

No, that's not why I'm ringing Anne.

ANNE:

Oh... am I on your radio breakfast show?

CT:

Anne, I've not presented that in fucking years..

ANNE:

Oh! What the..

CT:

Anne, shhh. Listen. Listen. Go to the window in your spare room. Upstairs.

ANNE:

What's going on?

CT:

Just fucking do it! Anne, if you're not at that window in 10 seconds I'll smash the fucker.

ANNE:

Stop it! You're not out there, I'm hanging up and calling the police. This is very..

CT:

Fine. Just don't say I didn't warn you...


FX:
SMASHING GLASS

ANNE screams...

What on Earth.. who is this?

CT:

It's Chris fucking Tarrant! You know who it is!

ANNE:

Why are you doing this?

CT:

I don't need to explain myself to you, Anne. Just know that I'm serious- as the broken glass laid all over your spare room shows. Now get up there and look at the window opposite. NOW!

ANNE:

Ok, ok, please just calm down.

CT:

I'm perfectly calm honey. Hurry up.

ANNE:

Ok, I'm..

CT:

Nice dress, Anne. Think red is your colour do you?

ANNE:

It's...

CT:

Ha ha ha! Quiet. Can you see me?

ANNE:

I can see a silhouette...

CT:

Well that's me, obviously. Jesus... right, show me your tits.

ANNE:

What!?

CT:

Do it! Just fucking do it!

ANNE:

No! No! I'm..

CT:

Do we need a little persuasion? I've got an Kalashnikov with silencer here, how d'ya think I broke your window so easily?

ANNE:

With a stone?

CT:

No, it was the Kalashnikov.

ANNE:

Jesus!

CT:

You said it honey. Now, come on- tits out.

ANNE:

Please, why me? What have I done?

CT:

You've got a highly experience presenter of kids tv, radio, quiz shows and documentaries aiming a high-power sniper rifle at your head and you're asking for an explanation?

ANNE:

Documentaries? What documentaries have you ever made?

CT:

Polar bears and Auschwitz! They were critically acclaimed! Jesus Anne, I'll swap your tits for fanny in a minute!

ANNE:

No, sorry, wait...

CT:

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Thank you Anne.....thank you. I'm truly sorry to have forced you into this tits-out corner. I shall reward you, my pretty.

ANNE:

Reward me? You've terrorised and humiliated me! Just go away and never..

CT:

Would you like..A! A signed piccy of Phillip Schofield!
B! Tickets to We Will Rock You?
C! £100 cash!
Or..D! A pet terrapin!

ANNE:

We will rock you! We will rock you!

CT:

Everyone's a winner!

Shoulders?-Stomach!


the midnight watch baboon

Thanks Shoulders! You may now keep that tenner. x

Dark Sky

That's one of the strangest things I've ever read.

Can you do an impression of Chris Tarrant?  I think it's some kind of fantasy of yours.

Jumble Cashback

You might need a Bebo account to view this, but, if that turns out to be the case, then I'll post the transcript.  Just didn't want to clutter up the forum as it's quite long.

http://www.bebo.com/BlogView.jsp?MemberId=7755826377&BlogId=8725561096

If you do have Bebo, you can also use this link to get access to my Advertising pastiches and other gubbins.