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Stuff wot you wrote

Started by alan nagsworth, April 10, 2009, 05:17:05 AM

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Shoulders?-Stomach!


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Oh, all bloody right, but you've yourselves to blame if it's too long. You should never have let me begin. The original title for this article was 'Pulp Diction', but it didn't seem like the kind of title Fafny would have chosen, so I ammended it.


Quote
Tempus Dictum

An Introduction to the Phenomenon of Modern Dialect
by Prof. Dunbarton Fafny, senior lecturer in linguistics at the University of Wencesterhamshire

For centuries lexicographers have attempted to keep pace with the evolution of language and, despite their most sincere efforts, have been felled perpetually by one intransigent obstacle: the vernacular of the common man.  For, no sooner has one neologism been documented, than another rears its breast in rude defiance.  Gone by are the bygone days when a society gentleman might rebuke an opprobrious young ruffian with terms like 'whirlybunce' and 'tittercock'.  Today such utterances would appear anachronistic to the point of obsolescence.  The crystalline and linguistically florid expressions of an era more classical in temperament have been supplanted by a surfeit of increasingly less cerebral and lamentably jejune exclamations, fit only, it would appear, to be used in circumstances of severe informality.  However, the widespread usage of such verbal effluent merits, if nothing else, its meticulous deconstruction.

The idioms of contemporary parlance are at once irredeemably vulgar and inscrutably cryptic and it would appear that these concerted qualities are what afford the modern colloquialism its bearing.  In order for a voguish turn of phrase to attain notoriety, it must be confounding enough to elude the sensibilities of the higher thinker, yet suitably brazen to deliver its malapert impact (as well as the opportunity to be understood at a plebeian level).   Once this basic realisation has been attained, it is possible to divide the various genera of argotic ephemera into three basic schools:  the school of malediction; the school of convenience; and, the school of euphemism.  Of these, the school of malediction has the widest catchment area and the largest quantity of honoured graduates; it is upon this discipline, therefore, that we must first expound.

In this age of casual disregard for finer language, it would appear as though there is nary a single individual whose verbal arsenal doesn't contain a swear-word.  Even the word arsenal contains a swear-word.  Yet, the myriad invectives with which we have become so familiar are seemingly no longer sufficient to slake the thirst for profanity which gnaws at the throat of our society.  It has evidently become necessary to introduce a new lexicon of indecencies with which to affront the ears, hearts, minds and even souls of persons of a more refined persuasion.  These often comprise developments on established terms, particularly typical among the commoner compound expletives (e.g. 'pissbasket', 'bumgulch' etc.), and the roots of these are so obvious as to render them completely unworthy of closer examination; however, entirely new words have also been generated and it is these that present us with the most interesting case studies. 

Among the words most commonly used in the current insidious dialect are 'gud', 'cuck', 'spube', 'munge' and 'whunk'.   The meanings of these words are very much open to interpretation and their implementation is largely arbitrary, rarely pertaining to the roots of their original coinage.  All are characteristically monosyllabic and devoid of finesse. 

'Gud' is typically applied as a verb and it is generally believed that 'gudding' is some form of deviant sexual endeavour (some have defined it further as the practice of re-enacting recently viewed pornographic material, others as the act of coitus whilst heavily bandaged).  Its origin, however, is unknown.   

'Cuck', 'spube' and 'munge' are, to the best of the author's research,  forms of viscous residue secreted from or formed around the rectal, penile and vaginal areas respectively, but each has a wide variety of applications in the modern parlance.  In general, they will be employed as descriptive nouns and applied to anything seen to be beneath contempt.  Given his proclivity for indiscriminate disrespect, the opportunities for these disgusting words to be utilised by the lower thinker present him a veritable embarrass de richesses and it is likely that this, if nothing else, will assure their interminable longevity.



'Whunk's usage appears to indicate a desire to be rid of some unpleasant burden (often the individual to whom it is exclaimed).  Its etymology appears to be onomatopoeic in nature, deriving from the catharsis experienced whilst 'dropping a twombly'.

Regrettably, it is impossible to afford the reader reliable examples of the correct usage of these terms in context as, due to the uniquely perilous prospect of engagement in field research, the linguistics faculty has yet to assemble a corpus on the subject.

The second school of egregious slang is that of convenience.  This is where the true laziness of the lower thinker causes him to create bogus terminology and abbreviations (both contractive and acronymic in species) that he may circumnavigate fluent elucidation in favour of brash, unimaginative discourse.  Exempli gratia - one might these days utter 'gops' as an idiomatic alternative to saying 'I'm going to the shops' and 'hospartea' is now considered a perfectly acceptable substitute for the phrase 'I'm off to the hospital for a major cardiac operation - have my dinner ready'.  Similarly, if one hears 'bog' it is as likely to refer to a 'beautiful older gentleman' as it is to an area of marshland or lavatorial facility.  It is, however, when a student of the school of convenience adopts the rôle of nomenclator that the most interesting results are produced.

'Salvaline' is a notable example, being an unpleasant yet fascinatingly intimate nom de toilette for one's natural oral balm when used to sooth the harshness of bathroom tissue during the often arduous process of post-defecatory cleansing.  'Salvaline' has been credited  with several other applications (most of them similarly vile), but it is in its usage as an ablutionary unguent that it would appear to have gained its initial notoriety.

Recent studies have also uncovered references to a sensation known only as 'the wist', a name assigned to the strange wave of melancholy which occasionally interrupts onanistic gratification.  It is also frequently (albeit incorrectly) applied to the curious remoteness of mind which descends sporadically during coitus, often producing unwarranted longueurs in carnal activity.  The correct lower-thinking term for this feeling, as the reader is no doubt aware, is 'cuntimental drift'.

Finally, although we may be loath to do so, we must visit the school of euphemism.  Much like its sister institutions of malediction and convenience, this faculty has a long and ignominious history; however, as distinct from its counterparts, this discipline has the infamy of having been encapsulated by one execrable franchise.   

During the Second World War, the class system in Britain suffered its greatest blow in the form of a united front against the forces which seemed, at the time, a bigger threat.  The resulting sense of brotherhood and national pride resonated into the post-war years and the contribution of those whom might once have been considered society's chaff was exalted as the spirit of the nation.  (Nota bene - It should be observed that this recognition of 'the working man' might have come to pass two decades earlier at the end of the First World War, had he been alive to pioneer it.)  Due to the weight of this new social dynamic, the vocabulary and sensibilities of these newly ordained spokespersons of Britain began to filter into the media.  Inevitably, bawdiness ensued.  Nothing better demonstrates this fact than the 'Go Ahead...' series of motion pictures.

Beginning in 1959 with 'Go Ahead, Vicar', these repugnant ventures focussed relentlessly on the lewd, shameful and illicit misadventures of oversexed, maloccluded reprobates.  Despite its inanity, this phenomenon lasted a staggering 86 instalments, the most notorious of which being 'Go Ahead and Tickle My Fancy',  'Go Ahead and Don't Spare The Whip' and the now discredited 'Go Ahead, Gypsy Dago'.  The purported humour of all of these fatuous efforts was based solely around innuendo and dubious malapropisms and, despite the long-awaited death of the aforementioned languorous franchise, this breed of immature 'comedy' has survived to offend today's society (or at least any of its members bent firmly on penetrating the foibles of a saucy fad and savouring the caresses of our luscious native tongue).



In the 'Go Ahead...' era, the application of this heinous science was limited to crude double entendre (such as 'clutch my globes', 'handle my fleshy parson' et cetera); however, in-keeping with the modern trend of specious intellectualism,  the current manifestation of this epidemic, while basically identical in purpose, is more esoteric in its terminology, often referencing obscure works of popular entertainment and persons of ill repute. 

The phrase 'Brando's Gambit', for example, is an oblique reference to the utilisation of comestibles (particularly dairy products) to assist with the ritual of physical congress.  The terminal foul-mindedness evidenced by this ghastly locution (supposedly an allusion to an ill-advised cinematic enterprise) is mournfully representative of the myriad further examples of modern euphemism. 

Other popular exemplars of this purulent idiom include: 'Elmo's foot' (a female pudendum bearing profoundly sanguine pile); 'Megatron's Trigger' (a male reproductive gland demonstrating abnormal curvature); and, 'Barrymore's wristwatch' (one whose participation in sexual activity is unconstructive, largely inert and, in some cases, unwilling). 

Each of these profane bywords and their brethren can be heard galloping off the tongues of all but a few of the most recognised and, critically, the most widely broadcast ambassadors of a generation too ignorant and too vapid to recognise their destructive effect.  Even those whose presence once shone as a beacon against such intellectual dystrophy have, in many cases, capitulated and begun uttering this malefic garbage themselves; so alacritous are they to appear en rapport with the voice of youth.  It is beyond doubt that this school and its equally squalid companions are searing indictments of our culture's regard for the language upon which it was forged. 

Ultimately, the communication of the now presents us a perplexing and worrisome conundrum, but it is vital that we understand it.  What may appear fleeting and insignificant today may grow to pandemic proportions tomorrow.  The grammatical terrorism which threatens to usurp our beloved dialect grows stronger with every moment of cognitive lethargy perpetrated by those whose words influence the impressionable and, if we are desirous of expurgation, we must lead by virtuous example.  It behoves us as a nation to do our uttermost to curb this diabolical trend.

The reader may wonder, at the close of this examination, what contribution he (or even she) may offer towards our verbal enrichment.  In the main, the average person need only be a fine exponent of eloquent speech, but if, en passant, one hears a group of juveniles spouting any of the aforementioned phraseology, one would be well advised to approach them and engage in conversation.  Maintaining an authoritative posture, direct them to the works of Tennyson or Hazlitt.  If possible, produce a small volume of poetry from which to recite and remind your audience that their language is not merely a tool to be jerked, but a great orifice; a channel into the soul.  It would be strange indeed if this did not generate a profound reaction.