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Salvaging a shit sketch.

Started by evelyn_blake, May 11, 2009, 07:26:45 PM

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evelyn_blake

I hapazardly wrote and recorded a sketch a month or so ago based on a slight conceit I came up with. It was done in an hour and semi-improvised, I didn't think much of it. Then I played it to my housemate, he really laughed at it, heartened I kept it around ready to use.

So recently I had the opportunity to use it in a project, I edited it into a five minute version...a version that is far too long for the one-note nature of the sketch. So I got a friend to listen to it to recommend what to cut...she found it hideously unfunny. Being as I knew it wasn't great I shrugged it off and asked another friend for his advice...he diplomatically refrained from calling it hideously unfunny but spent time stressing how much he'd enjoyed other stuff I'd done.

Now, I knew it was one-note and far too long, it's humour resides in it's premise (there's only two vaguely funny lines in the whole thing) so I was worried the premise was muddy. It appears not only is it muddy, it's not that good to begin with.

However, as I saw something in it at one point I thought I'd see if anyone can see a way I could salvage it. Any advice would be appreciated. If you cant grasp the premise (which seems to be a possibility) I can post up notes on it. Of course if you think I should just bin it say so (but try not to be cruel, I'm a bit frustrated that I spent time recording and editing something that clearly does not work).

Here it is:
http://www.zshare.net/download/59884655318f3c5c/

wherearethespoons

Is a .cda a shortcut because I tried to download it and the filesize was only 44 bytes.

evelyn_blake

Yes. I've cocked that up. I'll sort it out now

evelyn_blake


evelyn_blake

If anyone has anything to say, please, it would help. Even if the end result is me deleting the file.

Kishi the Bad Lampshade

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT WORK IN THE FIELD OF COMEDY AND HAVE NEVER, TO MY KNOWLEDGE, GIVEN ANYONE ANY USEFUL ADVICE EVER.

1) Your 'exhausted and near-death' voice sounds a lot like Adam Buxton's 'excited' voice. This isn't in any way helpful, I know.

2) You could cut out the beginning, I think, and go from about 32 seconds onwards.

3) The line "I realise that when I said food source, I was referring to you" can go.

4) Your scream is nice.

5) When it goes to the song, I think the music distracts. You could just do it acapella, or maybe badly twanging at a guitar?

6) Does it quite work that he would listen back to the tape, record over that bit, but not be able to record over the first 'song' bit? Because presumably in the original tape recording, he carries on singing in between the first and second song bits? So I don't know if that works. Might have to leave out the second half of the singing.

Hope this helps. It is a concept worth keeping, I think, you might just have to rerecord it to boil it down to its essence.

Ginyard

Quote from: Kishi the Bad Lampshade on May 11, 2009, 11:10:38 PM

1) Your 'exhausted and near-death' voice sounds a lot like Adam Buxton's 'excited' voice. This isn't in any way helpful, I know.


I was thinking it sounds like a cross between Rick Mayall and Gobbo the goblin from Noddy.

I enjoyed the song although I still don't have a clue what any of it is about because I am fundamentally very dense. I did laugh a lot though*. But for a serious appraisal you need a regular from the comedy forum, one of that bunch who frown and tut at comedy a lot and keep scorecards and say that everything is a pale pastiche of something from funnier and more innovative times gone by.

I know, I haven't really helped one bit have I?. Sorry mate.

* I also have laughed at Les Dennis and still quite enjoy early Ben Elton videos

Danger Man

Random notes.

Voice reminds me of Dudley Moore at the end of 'Derek and Clive' before morphing into....something else.  'Black' from the Fast Show??

Well....the change after the scream is....different.

Is this 'League of Gentlemen' meets 'Gormenghast'?

Viewed purely in terms of comedy I think this is a lost cause but, on the positive side, it's quite whimsical and had enough about it to hold my attention. There's certainly signs of a creative intelligence at work even if there isn't anything actually funny to laugh at.

Maybe tone down the voice and expand the story a bit more?

evelyn_blake

Quote from: Danger Man on May 11, 2009, 11:33:16 PM

Well....the change after the scream is....different.


The premise (which seems to be obscured by me choosing to do a voice that is basically me hoarsly gagging rather than using nuance and that) is that he is trying to record a typical warning of imminient doom but the tape he's recording on has him singing a stupid song that's quite embarassing and he has to come back to apologise for. The tenuous excuse for why he just dosen't record over it is that the demons won't let him. As Kishi points out the logic of it all is a little strained.


evelyn_blake

Quote from: Ginyard on May 11, 2009, 11:31:47 PM
I enjoyed the song although I still don't have a clue what any of it is about because I am fundamentally very dense. I did laugh a lot though*.


You worry me. Mainly because you're clearly my audience. Ta though, however this is confirmation that it dosen't work as it's supposed to be layered and not an excuse for me to sing about my willy (though doing that was immensely fun, you probably can't tell but I was eating biscuits, eating biscuits and singing about my willy. The joy of that almost makes up for the fact it's shit)

Putting my critical head on, it was very disappointing: I expected a sketch about restoring a once-seaworthy turd to its former glory. That'll teach me to read thread titles properly in future.


Returning to my piss-taking head, I like the idea but the Derek and Clive voice kills it for me. There's something there though and anyone who calls it a comedic lost cause clearly didn't listen all the way through (to the funny willy song).