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The Cab Testament

Started by Fry, September 19, 2009, 02:13:04 AM

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Fry

THE ENLIGHTENMENT OF NEIL


Neil was of 98 years age as he wandered through the vast plains of the promised land, from a place unseen by his eye an attacker leapt and did proceed to wrestle Neil upon the emerald ground.
After overpowering Neil the man did continue his assault proceeding to rip from Neil's body the many garments of materials from cow and the cloth and he then did assert himself upon Neil and raped him. The attacker sprayed his seed upon Neil for four score years and nine, spraying the body, neck, face, arms, legs, hair and eyes of Neil. From the end of the barrage Neil realised it was God's will flowing through him and he was chosen.

At first Neil was affronted but then he accepted and understood, he was to create a land in the eyes of God, for it was Him who decided Neil should be a conduit. A land in which the chosen people would eat, drink, discuss, breed and farm and a land which would be the domain of Neil's under the blessing of His Almighty's.


Carry on, folks. Keep it old school - real gritty. Real fickle, unforgiving god. Incest. That sort of thing.

Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth

In the beginning there was blueness.

An tSaoi

And a poster did rise from the blue, by the name of [banned troll], and he did offend many. But the followers of Neil the Creator did rise up against him, and he was cast out. And TC begot Splig Utherism. And Splig Utherism begot Barry Wom. And ultimately he was cast into the fiery chasms of hell (DSMO). But the Creator and his flock would not let it lie, and the fallen poster's name was still uttered regularly even years after he had been banished. And they did say "TC mentions the Goodies" at any opportunity. And they did Photoshop his picture over and over again. And they did make videos mocking him long after he was gone. And they did wonder why he did bear a grudge against them. And neither side could move on.

An tSaoi

1 And in the month of March in the two thousandth Year of Our Lord and nine, a new poster did emerge. 2 And he did glue himself to the monitor, and he did make the Promised Land his home. 3 But he did overindulge in his posting. 4 And he did make everyone thoroughly sick of him. 5 Then one day he did vanish into the desert. 6 And there was much rejoicing. 7 But after two weeks the rejoicing did turn to sorrow. 8 And he was feared dead until, like Lazarus and that fella ET, he did rise from the dead, and was resurrected. 9 And there was much rejoicing. 10 And then he did return to his wicked ways of overindulgence, and the rejoicing did turn to anguish.

An tSaoi

11 And this Promised Land did have three prophets. 12 The first was Saint Peter from the Land Beyond the Fringe. 13 But they did rarely speak of him, and were it for the banner they did proudly wave, it would not be thought they revered him at all. 14 The second was Saint Christopher from the Land of Jesuits. 15 They did have much love for him in years gone by. 16 But they were greatly displeased with him in recent times. 17 And the third prophet was Saint Neil from the Land Cross the Sea. 18 But like Muḥammad, it was forbidden to display visual depictions of him. 19 And none dared gaze upon his sacred visage. 20 And anyone who did break this holy rule would be branded a cunt. 21 And he was much feared and respected.

Cerys

And it came to pass that in that land of Art, which is called H.S., there arose a line of Li-Mer'ick.  And it was fruitful, and multiplied.  And there was division amongst the people, for some did bewail the Li-Mer'Ick, while others did hold it up on high saying 'yea, truly, tis but a bit of fun'.  And Neil did cast a lock upon the Li-Mer'Ick, yet said that He didn't mind too much if it returned.  And lo, it returned.  And there was great rejoicing, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth.

The Widow of Brid

There were giant foreheads in the board in those days. And they did come onto the daughters of men, and they did enter a state of grace and bring forth epics on her beauty. And the people did shower them with scorn (but even so, they did not go too far, for they were glad he was getting a bit of good luck for a change TBH).

Jumble Cashback

21And two factions did emerge on opposing banks of that mighty river 22On one bank, the fundamentalists - to whom no sacrifice, no matter how glorious, was deemed worthy 23 For t'was not so glorious as the sacrifice made some years before in the offerers earlier material 24 On the other bank, the Liberals - those whose consciences afforded them no rest 25 For t'was the Liberals who scarce did savage the new, reserving polemic for targets most safe, such as 'Mine Hero' and 'The Performance of Blackwood Who Is Called Richard'. 26 Such was the division that a mighty war raged and many were in hurt 27 But it came, in time, that many on either side were moved by the contributions of the opposing forces and thus emerged a time of relative understanding and equinimity.