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VERBWHORES XMAS STORY 09: The 21 Words Of Xmas

Started by Jemble Fred, November 08, 2009, 02:36:42 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Jemble Fred

Well Bonfire Night's over, so it is officially Xmas now. More to the point, the next two months are so fucking stressful that the more time there is to knock this together the better, especially if ApexJazz is going to be amenable to narrating again!

Try and stick to the 21 word rule, it makes things more interesting. If you're desperate, you can post up to 4 or 5 lots of 21 words at a time, but don't go mad, some people are going to end up listening to this... BEGIN!


=====================================


DEBACLE ON 21ST STREET

A magical yuletide romp by SUNDRY VERBWHORES.


Is there anything more magical than New York on Christmas Eve? I'm not really sure, but do let me know. This

one Christmas Eve I remember with warmth in my arse was in 1938. I know, because I was that Pixie. Snow

lay shallow and soft and uneven in the shop-lit streets as a charabanc-full of intoxicated Verbwhores swung its way around the

icy bends and steamed to a halt outside Cramlington's department store. With a puff and a yelp, the door opened and

TotalNightmare

...i was met with the squirming vision of a mass of miserable shoppers all desperate to grab that all important gift

for their child, relative or momentary love interest. Like ants devouring a dead sparrow, these xmas zombies swarmed across the department

store, throwing in toys, kitchen gadgets and foul smelling 30% off perfumes into their baskets. I felt my soul drop out

of my rectum and so, head down and afraid, i plowed into the human storm infront of me, hoping to find

Jemble Fred

my way to the changing rooms before.. oh no, there he was.. Santa.

"FACKIN' MINCE!" he roared belligerently, taking a glug

TotalNightmare

...of hot fizzing eggnog. "I WANT MY FACKIN' MINCE PIES" he bellowed again. A frightened dwarf actor, dressed as an elf

ran over to the red faced monster carrying a tray of delicately arranged mincepies. Santa took one look at the pies

and dropped his meaty fists upon them, smashing the pies and the poor elf to the ground. Santa saw me watching

Ginyard

him watching me, and I felt a peculiar sense of peace as I charged at him in a spanking great rage.

"

TotalNightmare

This is for years of horrible christmasses, bastard!" I screamed and lowered my head as i continued onwards towards my fat

red target. The decrepid obese beast looked upon me with distain, not moving an inch from his piss stained position at

the opening to the grotto. Santa merely whispered "Foolish Elf" nanoseconds before I blacked out from the contact my head made

with his oddly reinforced gut. Even in my unconscious state, I relived every horrible christmas with that man. Every punch, every

Ginyard

kick, every fissure, every pecan-nuts-up-the-bum-for-the-fresh-flesh-goblin game....oh god....the goblin game.....why not ludo or kerrplunk you stonking great cunt?

As I lay there stewing in my warped copper pot of nightmares,   

TotalNightmare

i thought back to the circumstances of how i'd first come across this vile collection of bulging body parts. I'd answered

an advert in the local newspaper. "Wanted: Young man to play elf at grotto. Must have own pointy ears". I'd been

struggling to make the repayments on my new girlfriend's addiction to Lauren Bacoll's perfume "Whistle" (for women) and faced another christmas

without food, water, presents or even Greta (my girlfriend). With reluctance, i cut a long story short and secured the job.

Jemble Fred

"So what kinda cockamamie douchebag are ya?" asked the manager of Cramlington's, 'Uncouth Terry', chewing challengingly on a bit of pork. "This ain't no job for a real man, dressing up in cockamamie ears and wearing cockamamie god-damn cockamamie curly slippers. You a fag?"

I assured him that I was just in dire need of the cash, and he spat me out a contract.

"One word of warning, babyballs," he drawled as I was ushered towards the Elfing Chamber, "Watch your ass near Santa,

Emma Raducanu

he's raped at least 15 previous employees but he's best friends with New York's highest judge and been found 'innocent' everytime.


Ginyard

'

And yet, when I went in, he was as lovely as fuck. I gave him a pec on his cheeks and he put his cheeks on my pecs, so I felt we had a good thing going from the off. I

Emma Raducanu

pondered over whether to get my cock out right there and then but thought better of it when Mother announced herself

Spoiler alert
I cannot wait to hear Apex narrate this
[close]

Jemble Fred

dead.

This upset me enough to keep little Thomas under wraps, but not enough to spoil the holiday. Me and Santa

Spoiler alert

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ginny Yardie admitted he'd never even been subjected to the last two years' worth of VW Xmas stories. So, for the bored and/or drugged:

2008:
http://www.sendspace.com/file/rlu7io
2007:
http://www.sendspace.com/file/1twox0

[close]

Ginyard

Spoiler alert
Swell stuff. Apexjazz really is a gen-u-iiine american!
[close]

threw caution to the wind.....and then spent several minutes trying to retrieve it. After that, he sat down, put me on his knee and told me 'The Rules' of the grotto:

'The first rule of The Grotto is, that you do not talk about The Grotto. Capiche?'

'Thankyou no' I replied to this, 'I had a pretzel before I arrived'

'2/ The second




rule is Ignore the First Rule. Talk about it all the fucking time for all I care. I put this in

to trip people up, really, to make sure those pricks read beyond the first one. I'm a bit of a cunt

like that, to be honest,' and he let out his terrifying merry laugh. A nearby elf shat himself. Santa disdainfully looked


Jemble Fred

disdainful.

Just as he did on this fateful Christmas Eve, as I came round from my cosy coma, adjusted my ears with a growl and put up the "Grotto open for bizzness" sign.

The first of the long line of snotty little Verbwhores trooped up and eased his buttocks onto Santa's knee.

"And what's your name, little.... boy?" belched the scarlet ogre.

"Fry."

"Cunt, more like!" bellowed Santa, and the surrounding elves obediently laughed, more from fear than the obvious accuracy of the statement.

"

Ginyard

And what would you like for christmas, Cunt?"

"Action man" said the young british fellow, startled, confused and yet still filled with wonder.

"You want some action, man? Over there. Two elves, one goblet, and ten dollars for the knife and ear-protectors"






Jemble Fred

The little limey ran off bawling his minute eyes out onto the elegant shag.

"NEXT!" roared Santa. "And what's your name?"

Ginyard

"JEMBLE FRED" roared back a man who was literally louder than Santa.

"ARE YOU TAKING THE PISS? ARE YOU TRYING TO OUT-ROAR ME?" roared santa

"NO. I ACTUALLY AM THIS LOUD" roared Jemble Fred.

"NEXT" roared santa, throwing a cum soiled teddy

the midnight watch baboon

Into Jemble's trembling, grateful mits.

"I'm mook", slivered a half-human, fish-cocked fishuman, making even the nefarious Santa

Emma Raducanu

feel like a grape among a field of apples. "I'd like a Cavolo Nero to go with my spatchcocked redlegged partridge"

Ginyard

he demanded. Santa thought, and then produced a Macdonalds burger with the words: Don't waste my time you brussel-boiling, parmesan-pruning, ferret-fucker stenciled on it. He was about to hand it to mook but was punched in the face before

Cerys

a panel of judges. 

  'Pitiful,' remarked the largest judge, wearily shaking her head.  'Where's the zing, the zest, the cockamamie pzazz?'

TotalNightmare

That was the final straw for this satanic santa. No body places a rosy punch on Saint Nick and walks away

alive. "Judge this you plastic wankers" machine gunned from his lips and I watched an angry fat man dressed in red

turn a panel of judges into a thick red bubbling human paste with his first before my horrified eyes. I couldn't

Jemble Fred

have given a tinker's leathery nutsack about them, really. But the NYPD could.

And in they came, all dressed as shepherds.

Cerys

'Fuck me, Agnes!' I whispered, aghast.  For there, in the arms of the leading cop, lay a quiet, woolly, utterly beautiful

Ginyard

sex offender.

"BEHOLD!" whispered the detective holding him, "the king of kings. At least that's what he said. There's a chance

TotalNightmare

I may have been made deaf by the noise of yelling cops and deformed prop sheep. It wasn't until the detective

had ran off in tears, that i'd realised he'd said "Arnold (santa's real name), you're going to Sing Sing". Now he

was crying with a twitching prop lamb poking out of his bottom. Arnold Santa soon scared off the rest of the

cop with ease. He was untouchable and reigned over us at the grotto for years. As i awoke from my memories,

I noticed Arnold now peered over me. "Foolish Elf, wakey wakey". With the last ounce of my strength, i swore i

would end his reign of terror once for all. I would free this apartment store of his tyranny, betcha by golly!

Emma Raducanu

Several verbwhores were by now writing all about the cops, santa, the sheep, the shepherds and the shagging elves on their

laptops. A sweat broke out when a wifi singal could not be found. Some took to ladders, others climbed ropes. Fry