VERBWHORES XMAS STORY 09: The 21 Words Of Xmas

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

week before. The kindly white-haired man who oversaw it all - Neil - looked down, quite literally, on the verbwhore elves who

[Ginyard]

were still fuming that he had removed the handful of big popular presents because the little ones were being neglected. He took a pop gun pellet to the eye as a consequence and decided to leave the little shits to it.

On the far-side of the Bronx, Harold Lloyd was greasing up for a stunt when he heard the non orphan's wail.

[dredd]

  In a sudden rage he took off his straw boater, putting his fist right through it.

  The wail reached as far as the Reich Chancellery building in Berlin. Adolph Hitler was in his office, playing Peggle on his laptop, when a knock

[Jemble Fred]

-kneed person of semitic appearance called Ira Baddiel brought him his elevenses.

"Your eggnog, my dear führer!" he beamed, winningly.

"EGGNOG???"

[Emma Raducanu]

"I want breast milk, macht sie verstehen?! Fetch me the finest Jewish breasts money can afford...with a straw!" Meanwhile, in

[Ginyard]

the village of Little Post-Göring deep in Latvia, a family of Moose hunters awaited the arrival of santa.

"Did you just ask me for some jewish breasts?" said the dad "NO? Oh deary me, I fear I've come over all weird"

[Cerys]

'Somebody mention my name?' inquired All Weird, the local chaplain, before being pelted to death with frozen toads for being too sodding obvious.  Instantly,

[Jemble Fred]

I realised that these scenes could only be the mental result of a face full of Santa's homicidally pungent colon-blasts, and

[Emma Raducanu]

within an instant I rewoke on the store floor, surrounded by passing shoppers and with Santa perched on his throne handing

out presents to children. All at once seemed normal again except for the fact I had no clothes on, so I

[Jemble Fred]

asked some of the smaller, more easily impressionable little Verbwhores to cover up my embarrassment with their tiny Verbwhore hands. It

[Ginyard]

was not to be though.

'DEMON SEED!' he screamed at me, the vodka in his phlegm spraying my particulars, making everybody

[Emma Raducanu]

look at me. Cramlingtons errupted into laughter as my 2 inch cock hovered near a passing boys face. People came rushing

in from the streets to see what was happening and more and more people joined in the laughter; some pointed, others

made impersonations with their little fingers and before long, people were joining hands and breaking into song; it reminded me of

[Cerys]

Idi Amin's reign of terror, only with more singing and less soul-crushing terror and mutilation of the dead.  Now that I came to think of it,

[dredd]

 it was about time for an extended action sequence. Crashing through the skylight came the Fuhrer's personal zeppelin, the Bohemian corporal himself descending into the throng on a zip line,

  "Yippy kai yay, mutter fokkers! You tink you hat zeen ze last off me? Now, vere is Herr Claus? Must be to delivering my christmas list, ya?"

  Patting his pockets, a look of desperation crossed his face

  "Ach! Who hass stollen my liszt? Answer me!"

  Neville Chamberlain stepped forward, waving a piece of paper

[Cerys]

but was swiftly gunned down by a pixie with a grudge and a bauble cannon.

  'Dumkopf!' spat the Fuhrer, showing his

[Emma Raducanu]

feminine side and in walked a midget who immediately began performing a tap dance routine, while everybody scrambled for the list

[Ginyard]

of death.

"Am I on it?" cried Rett Bakerman.

"No" giggled the pixie as she harpooned Rett through the chest with

[Jemble Fred]

a veritable truckload of disdain.

"HOI, IT'S ME WHAT DOES STUFF WITH DISDAIN YOU PRICKY!" roared Arnold Santa, desperately attempting to

[Cerys]

work out who was naughty and who was nice.  Spying that the pixie was both naughty and somewhat delectable, he lunged

[Ginyard]

for a can of refried beans and opened it with his teeth. He filled his mouth with the contents then spat the lot at the pixie, peppering her bright white tutu with his contact details. 'If that doesn't make her feel sexier than a cookie filled anus, nothing would', he barely thought.

Now, does anybody remember that I, the narrator, am also a pixie?

[Emma Raducanu]

The orphan remembered and was somewhat destracted by me being a pixie. I had to repeatedly fend off his advances when

[Cerys]

tying my shoelaces - a feat made all the more bizarre by the fact that I was wearing slip-ons.  He would keep

[Ginyard]

trying and I would keep ignoring him.

"HUNGRY!". Santa decided it was time for lunch so produced a sword called 'Keanu Reeves'

[Cerys]

 - which was, as its name suggested, made entirely out of wood.  Sadly it had also been infested with both termites and woodworm during its time in Santa's undergarments, and crumbled away to nothing but a sad pile of dust and insect corpses

[Ginyard]

,unlike the one next to it which was a very happy pile of dust and insect corpses. Indeed, it was so happy that it sung a song to us all:

Happy insects, Happy Dust
Filled with zest and oomph and lust

[Cerys]

Hark the herald angels frot
Only fifty cents the lot
What a bargain!  What a prize!
Mother Claus, avert your eyes!
Happy insect corpses we
Buzzing to Infinity
Happy joyful dust and grime
Bring you nowt at Christmas time.

Rising into the

[Emma Raducanu]

air, the pile of dust and corpses formed the shape of a face and started eating the verbwhores; firstly fry then

[Jemble Fred]

he was quite full. In fact, he couldn't even finish off all of Fry, and the limb, shoulder, stomach and head that remained got an extra candy cane from the manager of the store.

"Why thank you, governor!" beamed what remained of the lad, Englishly.

"YOU COCKAMAMIE

[Ginyard]

PANTS-MEANS-SOMETHING-FUNNY LIMEY MOTHERFUCK SCHMUCK!' bellowed santa (just as Oliver Hardy had said to Stan Laurel in that classic

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

car of his). Santa was angry now. You thought he was angry before, and he was, but now he was even

angrier, probably. His blue eyes turned red, his red suit turned green, his white hair turned white, and he tore his