What have you done recently that Chris Morris might not approve of?

[23 Daves]

I've been posting on this forum on and off for ten years, and in that time it's been impossible not to notice a definite pattern.  It seems to me that whenever anyone flounces off the site after a dispute or disagreement, they will fire off the damning line: "Call yourself Chris Morris fans?  He would be ashamed to be associated with you!".  Other variants of this line include "Well, I would have thought Chris Morris fans would understand", "This from a Chris Morris forum too! Cuh!" and, in grave cases, "Frankly you are not worthy of being associated with the man".

This has given me the idea for this thread, which should be a place to mention all those little things you've done in life which Chris Morris wouldn't like.  Think of it as being a confession booth, only instead of talking to a priest, you're talking to Chris Morris instead.  Who isn't listening anyway.

Here's mine:

On Sunday night, I played on my Wii for an hour, having a two player game of ten pin bowling with my wife - not on the normal setting, which would have been brainless and flippant enough, but on that special setting where they steadily stack the amount of skittles up so you eventually have to bowl over something like two hundred.  I think Chris Morris would disapprove of such a futile exercise, feeling that there is no real skill involved in doing well at it, and probably would have parodied it on Nathan Barley or something.  Therefore, I beg for his forgiveness.

And another:

Last week I had to create a new legal form at work with the company lawyer.  It was quite a straightforward form, but it was filled with lots of clauses and bits of legalise.  I suspect Chris Morris would have disliked this sort of obstructive Kafkaesque beauracracy, and probably would have cleverly parodied such a needlessly elaborate affair in "Bluejam".  Not that I know this.  Or know him.  Or have ever met him.  But I beg his forgiveness for being such an office drone anyway.

Over to you.

[Danger Man]

I recently decided that the Large Hadron Collider is a load of bollocks.

I think he'd be very angry about that.

[Blumf]

I recently decided that the Large Hadron Collider is a load of bollocks.

Slamming their balls together at 90% the speed of light.

[Lee]

Last week I did my one-man show in which I recite every episode of The Day Today in pig-Latin.

[turnstyle]

I have been quite productive over the last decade.

I'm sure he wouldn't approve of that.

[Jemble Fred]

I posted to a fucking internet forum.

[Lord Mandrake]

I've quit smoking and wanking.

[Johnny Townmouse]

Quoting On the Hour, The Day Today, Brass Eye and Jam consistently and without any sense that I am doing so in an ironically postmodern way.

Spent most of last saturday in Ikea.

Watched Eastenders.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I looked at a Martin Amis book in a library and thought 'I might give that a read at some point.

[An tSaoi]

Yesterday I watched a programme fronted by Michael Portillo.

[Neil]

Yesterday I watched a programme fronted by Michael Portillo.

The diary one, or the train one?  The diary one used the same music from the old Michael Alexander St John 'Ways To Change The World' GLR bits, so I did think of Morris, oddly enough. 

I spent two nights staying up very, very late in order to catch up with Celebrity Big Brother.  I also decided that anyone who comes out with the cliched 'cuh, never heard of 'em/Alex Reid is a celebrity now, is he?' arguments is a bit of a point-missing tit.  Sorry, Chris Morris.

[tater pie]

What?  Only one reference to mum-fucking???

[An tSaoi]

The train one.

[Baxter]

I've decided not to apply flaming decal stickers down the sides of my family saloon.

[dandoystevski]

Slept with some children with absolutely no media furore.

[Blue Jam]

I think Chris Morris would disapprove of such a futile exercise, feeling that there is no real skill involved in doing well at it, and probably would have parodied it on Nathan Barley or something.

Or with the forced viewing option on the jam DVD.

[Gradual Decline]

The train one.

I'm enjoying this series a lot. Well done Mike, and sorry Chris.

[Hitler]

Only thing I can think of is that I have a drink problem: can't stop drinking. I think Chris Morris would have a good time taking the piss out of me for that.

I have another one that I think is quite funny too. About 1.5 years ago I went on holiday to Las Vegas with 3 very good mates. We ended up having a bit of an orgy in the hotel room next door. The girl we were with wanted us to 'gay off' with each other and while we laughed I ended up giving my mate a couple of strokes of his erect penis. I have a reputation as the bloke who wanked my friend off. He he!

I kind of cringe when I think of it now (we were both drunk) but I kind of think it's funny as fuck too. As does he. I'm pretty sure I don't find him sexually attractive.

[eluc55]

I think Max Clifford is a prick.

Sorry Chris.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Oh, Hitler.

[Hitler]

Hehe Shoulders. Do not do comedy gayness! I can live with it now that everyone I work with knows I wanked a man when I was drunk but you have to go through some bastard soul searching head configurations afterward. It is an art best left to those who are more suited!

[biggytitbo]

Oh, Hitler.

Would be a great catchphrase in a sitcom.

[Hitler]

Morris would say 'be  what you think and fuck all the twats'. Although that slogan sounds more like something that Iannucci would say.

[mook]

Crowley, surely?

[Bog Dadley]

This was never the way I planned
Not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand
Lost my discretion
It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
I'm curious for you
Caught my attention

I wanked a man
When I was drunk
But you have to go through some
Bastard soul searching head configurations afterward.

Hmm, you need to work on the chorus.

[Hitler]

He he. Does it start off with that awful Katy Perry song?

[An tSaoi]

I read a Jeremy Clarkson book.

Also, it took me six goes to spell "Jeremy" right.

[23 Daves]

Morris would say 'be  what you think and fuck all the twats'. Although that slogan sounds more like something that Iannucci would say.

Yes, I agree, that's why I've always found these "Chris Morris would be ashamed!" declarations strange.  I'm quite sure he plays facile computer games with his kids, or watches trash television, etc.  He'd have to do the latter to be able to parody it so well, for one thing (in much the same manner as Mary Whitehouse clearly having seen plenty of filth in her time).

I'd imagine Morris probably dislikes this forum just for the critical view some posters took of "Nathan Barley" and the Brasseye Special rather than because there are threads about Big Brother or whatever.  If indeed he has an opinion on it at all. 

[jfjnpxmy]

I'm actually funny and try not to be pretentious.



Oooooooh

[falafel]

I done a poo.

Also, I enjoy low culture and mistaking podiatrists for paediatricians.