VerbWhores Poem 2010

[the midnight watch baboon]

Man, I used to roll in Gt Miss-
Or sled, in the winter.
Disraeli was buried nearby,
An' I met Roald once! Fact- he, not Pinter.
He was better than some woman author who once came to Walter's Ash.
She was gash.

[Jemble Fred]

Wicky wicky wah wicky wicky wah wah
Wicky wicky wah wicky wick Willy Wonka baby

[the midnight watch baboon]

Seventeen. Seventeen Feb.
That curious number!
Oh wait, I've checked- it's the eighteenth.
eighteen, two, ten.
A pleasingly, slightly symmetric #.
But! Seventeen. Ooh.

[Cerys]

But!  Numerology!
Seventeen becomes eight
And eighteen
Is
NINE!

[Cambrian Times]

Dyscalcula
Dyscalcula
Is something quite spectacular
Dyscalcula
Dyscalcula
When numbers all go wrong.

[Ginyard]

Dysentry
Dysentry
I caught it once in Coventry
A citroen saxo carried me
To hospital in Daventry

Daventry
Daventry
A place I took my dystentry
And spent the greater part of time
Shitting in the lavatory

[the midnight watch baboon]

Whoerr? Wassat? Doi!
It's March upon the horizon,
Spread out, like Tampa Bay,
An M twin of May,
But earlier, prescient.
Question. What is March?
A month or a mogul?
Not even here yet.
Not climbed on the toadstool.
Feb has stuck and twasted.
Its load has not yet been blasted-
Sorry, Feb.

[Cerys]

Yet something blasts outside
As I curse and blaspheme
At my LCD screen.
I am in work alone.
The only other sounds
Howling wind,
Tapping keys
And Bad Religion.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Bridge on, Bridgend-
February's end.
Not much long left to pend,
The last day's data to send,
Last collapsing antelopes to fend.
The Serengetial sign of the Feb,
Finally tripped by the cheeky paw of March-
The Lion month.
For soon it will be-
    March.
Africa.
    Lion O'Clock.

[falafel]

not february any more
by e.e. milne and a.a. cumming

oh, see time there, see the hands going
whizz whizz ticky tocky tack
time passes like an inadequate simile.
february it was, before,
february it was, before now.
nobody told february
that it is not a leap year
for it has leapt
and leapt
like a prancer
from us
into whatever it is that this month is,
cold but not-as-cold-as-february month
i forget its name, i do not like it
not as much as
february
i miss february.
oh march;
you're not my real month.

[Ginyard]

March
ATTENTION!
Right turn
Mind the crocuses

[Jemble Fred]

I forgot my white rabbits,
My white rabbits are dead,
Ignore superstition,
At the risk of rodents' lives.
White an' furry they lie,
Within their hole-less cardboard box.
Oh white rabbits, white rabbits,
I will try better next year.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Their eyes, man, their eyes-
Pinkredcrimsondeathbloodyeyes;
To look a rabbit in his eye,
I'm not being jocular
Or ocular
Rabbits
Eyes
Ow.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Sweet Sixteen today,
My bus pass's all fucked up.
It expires at midnight today,
Inbetween paydays too much.
I have to work today,
And the internet's been banned.
I won't solve shit today,
I have to pay more for the bus.
Tomorrow, not today.
I've not even seen a hare,
March, make it up to me today.
A pint of whiskey and a two-dollar whore-
Today.

[sirarthur]

A small congregation of snowdrops,
Heads bowed and trembling,
A brightening, lightening of the load,
Walking to the shops.

(If you ignore the dogshit, a non-brightening, lightening of a different load)

[Cambrian Times]

I see the Crocuses
On the street corners.
Did they grow there naturally,
Appearing annually at the whims
Of the Great Mother?

Or as one suspects,
A man (or two)
In a council van in the dead of night
Spade in hand
Thrusts them underground
To bloom in the daylight.

[Jemble Fred]

And all the children chime:

Woah woah Julie,
Do ya love me truly?
Or is you is or is you ain't a tart?
I need to see inside your brain,
With a spoon, it will cause pain,
So if you'll just lie here let's make a start.

[Guy]

While you were watching Das Boot
I drew some tits in your passport

(needs work)

^{Edit: realised I'd missed out the word 'were'. Now it's totally perfect.}

[Cambrian Times]

It was I my dear
Who drew that large phallus on
your driving licence.

[Cerys]

And now it rains
Long heavy drops
Phallusy?  Pathetic.

[falafel]

I'll stay home
Eating Coco Pops
Until I'm diabetic.

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

Saint Patrick sailed to Ireland and
From serpentine sorrow released her -
But wipe off that green, since there's only eighteen
Shopping days left until Easter.

[Cerys]

Eggs!  Eggs!  Eggs!
The market cry
Of a seagull
Incubation-weary
Bleary
Drop that, Timothy Leary.

[Cambrian Times]

In the sixties it was acid
It the seventies, heroin
The eighties were awash with coke
Nineties it was ecstasy and everything in between

The 00's it was ketamin
Now there's a new drug of choice
It's "death by Meow Meow"
I think I'll stick with a bottle of Pinot.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Round here, the ambulances scream Pinot! Pinot!,
Shudder Aggria from her narcolepsy.
Sometimes she pumps up her calves
Into a stubbly, stretched pineapple,
And with a feather-shaped knife,
She cuts and scoops and is hollow.
She shrinks me down to six inches,
She is a witch.
Bitch leaves me fighting pigeons for scraps;
Scrapping pigeons for crumbs.
Oh, crumbs.

[Neville Chamberlain]

The wheels on the bus quite emphatically
Don't go round and round
When you're stuck on a bus
Going westbound
Or should that be
Not going westbound
Out of Nottingham
Due to a crash
Near Derby

[Cambrian Times]

The police from Belper
Couldn't help her

The paramedic from Chesterfield
Feeled her chest

The fireman from Bakewell
Called her a tart

There was Doctor from Buxton
But I can't remember what he did.

[the midnight watch baboon]

I'm thinking that full-stops
Are just car parks
For these wonderful sentences...

"Autism as a metabolic disorder"

A spreading puddle of Lilt
A purloined Caramac
Salt in the air, tossed...

"Unshaven computer glarers"

Me and the sun
Staring at the same lake
Only, he makes it twinkle...

"Microwaved gravy"



Fin'

[the midnight watch baboon]

Have you sen her?
Have you seen my springtime lamb?
She gambolled along a fieldside-freeway,
Escaping her dad, and her mam.
I think she ran toward the sun,
I think she wanted to float on thermals,
I wanted her to run with god.
She wanted to escape her computer RAM.
Please see her.

[Cerys]

Then dress her
House her
Warm, safe
One hundred thirty
Just a few gentle hours
With rosemary