Invent a new series of a TV show.

[Glebe]

Please feel free to join in and create your own set of episodes for a new series of a TV show. I'll do The Green Green Grass:



The Green Green Grass: Series 4 (eight episodes plus Christmas Special).

1. Little Problems. Boycie's sure he's settled in to country life... until he discovers Tyler humping a pig! And to make matters worse, a couple of old arch-enemies are in town! Guest starring Denzil and The Driscoll Brothers.

2. The Country Fair. With Marlene's boob job going haywire, the local yokels having a Wicker Man festival and a strange beast prowling the moors, Boycie is sure things are never gonna look up... until he finds a priceless watch at the local market. This time next year, he'll be millionaires!

3. Danger UXD. There's nothing like a good party... and this is nothing like a good party! Mrs. Fatcakes has left the pan on, and the house is about to go up in a big explosion! Disaster is avoided, but only after Boycie has bribed the local gamekeeper. Devon knows how they make it so creamy!



4. Thursday The 12th. A weekend trip to Wales for some illegal grouse shooting turns in to disaster for the Family Boyce – there's only a bleedin' murderer on the loose! In the end, it's only the funny Welsh guy... but Boycie is fit to strangle 'im!

5. Shropshire Graffiti. A visiting Floridian is keen on buying La Maison Boycie, but hey, is this dude sellin'? Not on your bleedin' Nelly, sunshine! There's a mix-up with birth certs, and young Archie discovers he may have a yanky-doodle-daddy. Guest starring Woody Harrelson as Jimmy Malooby.

6. Yuppy Love. Marlene's feeling broody, but Boycie's having none of that! Aunty June's had her naval pierced and Tyler has persuaded Radiohead and Status Quo to co-headline his very own Glastonbury. Meanwhile, Uncle Albert's only gone and had it away with Mrs. Fatcakes, the saucy old git! Oo-ar!

7. As Plain As A Parson. This time, it looks like Boycie's number is up for sure... until an old friend intervenes, with several big bastards in tow! Guest starring Paul Barber and The Driscoll Brothers.



8. There's Nowt So Queer As Noakes. With the locals gearing up for the annual Hallowe'en sacrifice, Boycie is all nerves! It's like chucking out time in Peckham! But then a familiar face turns up with an angry bull, and the day is saved. Meanwhile, Tyler starts a fight club in the barn. Guest starring John Noakes.

'Tis The Season To Be Boycie (Christmas Special). Now now, Mr. Funderkaks, there be no need fer that sorta language! But there are other concerns on the horizon... santa's sack is bulging and Marlene can't keep her thighs clamped! Meanwhile, Tyler's new girlfriend only turns out to be the daughter of The Driscoll Brothers! Guest starring Mike from The Youngs Ones and a tall one.

[Kapuscinski]

Michael Winner's Dining Stars:

1. This week we're in Stockwell,  South London where Jon Culshaw, Bruce Forsyth, Cilla Black and Kathy Brand are catered for by the Nougart family. Drama is provided by the main course being burnt to a crisp when Mr Nougart is distracted by his dog Toffee Apple evacuating his bowels all over Culshaw's deck shoes in the middle of an impression of Winner that has everyone else bemused.

The day is saved, however, by the jelly and icecream pudding, which everyone excepts Winner enjoys. At the end of the programme, Winner takes time out to insult the food, the decor and the general intellect of the family.

2. Barrow-on-Furness, and Des Lynham, Mark Oaten, Richard Bacon and Susan Boyle look forward to eating the cuisine of the Whiplash-Claimforms, a lovely family with their own organic bookshelves. A leek soup starter sees Mr Winner screwing up his eyes in disgust while looking directly at the camera, and the main course ends up being spat all over a disgusted Mark Oaten by the great man. At the end of the programme, Winner peforms a short speech that mocks the family, reducing them to hurling organic tea at him.

3, Witney, Oxford, and Winner highlights that David Cameron is the MP for this town, as if this has any relevance to the program...or does it? Susan and Brian Redskin will be thrusing food near to the faces of David Dimbelby, Lethal Bizzle, Kate McCann and Cressidia Dick.

Stoney silence after Lethal Bizzle performs a rap about the Redskins featuring unfunny puns on Cressidia's surname. The fish and chips are scorned by Winner, who projectile vomits them onto the Redskins. But wait! What a huge pie..............that a suited David Cameron bursts out of, showering the diners with apple and blackberry.


4. A people carrier off the A11. Sadly, this week's family, the Clarksons from Pissy Bottom, forgot to tell the team that their house had been knocked down to build a giant television where locals can watch the 2012 Olympics and happy slap anyone who gets too close. Thankfully, Diane Abbott, Tom Jones, Graham Norton and Brian Paddick are all good sports, unlike Winner who takes the Tupperware-enclosed meals that Clarksons prepared and throws them under the wheels of passing cars before ordering the Clarksons to drive them to an overpriced resturant. The programme ends with Winner chasing the Clarksons round and round the carpark in the Clarksons' people carrier while Tom Jones sings a medley.

[Ginyard]

Eastender's easter special:

Lucas belts a chicken to death with a spade and Dot Cotton watches him do it from her bedroom window. Bianca has penis envy and tells Minty who tells her to fuck off and hammers off across the square on his magic pogo stick. In the Vick, everybody's rubbing vick on their backs in preparation for Peggy Mitchell's Vick Bitch Baptism. Beale puts too much on and slides off across the floor like a buttered cunt on a baking tray. He slams straight into Phil's shins. Phil goes to hit him but suddenly the music stops and all eyes turn to see Pat Butcher naked at the door with the Walford gazette up her arse. Mo takes bets. Ricky looks confused. Denise looks pissed off. Whitney looks raped. Lucy looks evil.

Cue music

[Glebe]

Forever Decreasing Circles.

Classic 1980s sitcom Ever Decreasing Circles regularly commanded audiences of 26 million people per episode and was a massive influence on the dark-undertones comedy of Ricky Gervais, who named it "No. 1 in the top 100 of my favourite works of comedy". Now it's back for this one-off 45 minute special! Previously most famous as the voice of the Crunchy Nut Cornflakes ads, where he miserably intoned "Honey, nuts and brown sugar, drenched in ice-cold mulk!", Richard Briers returns as Martin Braice, with Una Stubbs returning as wife Ann Brayce and John Nettles returning as ex-SAS neighbour Paul. With Freddy Boswell and the hysterical woman from Fawlty Towers as the other two. But some things never change! When not out collecting a special selection of raspberry jams and honeys, Martin is still driving everyone up the wall with his main stupid hobby – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder! He has Ann driven so frantic, she's seriously considering an affair with Paul, who is still hunky, self-assured and doesn't selfishly have OCD. In a specially recorded six-minute featurette on the DVD, Briers recalls that playing Martin again was "Physically and emotionally exhausting. I now have OCD again in real life, after spending all this time getting over it from playing Martin in the original series. But it was worth it." The shows darker undertones are referenced by Stubbs, who also contributes ten seconds to the featurette. "I hadn't been struck by such dark undertones in a work of mainstream comedy since cameoing as Aunt Sally in Bergerac in 1983. Priceless." So don those slippers, put down your Daily Telegraph, and get ready to guffaw over a brand-new episode of everyone's favourite dark-undertones mainstream comedy – on BBC 2 at 7 O' Clock PM on Shrove Tuesday, and in the shops now – on DVD, price £16.99 now in the shops now!

[Glebe]

OFAH: One Last Fling.

Del and Rodney return for this 'final' episode of the classic series known as OFAH. With Del and Raquel's son Damien off to college to smoke pot and say 'radical', the place seems rather quiet; until Rodney and Cassandra pop round with their nipper in tow –whatever its name was! Cassandra is keen for another baby, but Rodney's had the snip, to hilarious effect. Meanwhile, plans are underway for the funeral of former Nag's Head owner Mike, who has been murdered in prison after grassing to the filth. However, a hilarious mix-up ensues when they accidentally go to Sid's funeral instead – the cheeky old mare! Meanwhile (again), Cassandra is forced –hilariously – to cop off with Boycie in order to conceive. With his seed firmly planted, Boycie hot-foots it back down the country before Marlene finds out! In a surprise twist, Trigger admits he an active homosexual, but in these modern times no one bats an eyelid! Denzil is still black and Mickie Pierce is still a Specials fan. Rodney discovers an old Star Wars figure and flogs it on eBay for several hundred million... the Trotters are rich again, and nothing can possibly go wrong this time... or can it? See you at the next funeral!