Jalopy 2010 - Round 1

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

Here goes.

You have 48 hours to mong it or include it in a mong. Be inspired by it. Be original. Be depraved and hilarious. I guess the Wimblemong rules of 'a visual or conceptual link' (or both?) apply. Canvas size 800x600. Post it here, behind a link if it's not work-safe.

Once the time is up, I've got the properly unhappy, enemy-creating task of voting off the shittest entry - so if you're all brilliant my job is even harder. Thanks a lot.

I have genuinely no idea what happens in round 2.

Over to you.

[ziggy starbucks]

excellent image LMC, there's something seriously odd going on under the table

Spoiler alert

and over the table for that matter. I've never seen tissues boxes converted into type writers before

[close]

[Cerys]

That image is absolutely terrifying.

[hoverdonkey]

This is gonna be great, absolutely no thanks to me

[Lyndon]

[fanny splendid]

[Zero Gravitas]

I'd play it.

[gmoney]

[ziggy starbucks]

crowbar!

[Zero Gravitas]

That is quite wonderful ziggy

[Koant]

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

Top stuff, everyone. Keep 'em coming - you have till tomorrow afternoon.

[_Hypnotoad_]

Excellent work everybody

Oh FFS, why did I join this, I'm well out of my depth.

I'm a man of my word though!

<racks brain>

[ozziechef]

I could say I was saving my creative juices for round 2 but that might be hedging my bets:

[_Hypnotoad_]

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

MORE

[Old Thrashbarg]

Not had the time _{(for 'time' read 'talent')} to come up with anything decent so have this shit instead:

[Desi Rascal]

[DocDaneeka]

[Repentia]

[_Hypnotoad_]

Oh you flash cunt

Very nice ;)

[ziggy starbucks]

All very good work

what happens now?

[Zero Gravitas]

LMC carefully weighs up the entries and then tells someone that they are the most god-awful failure ever.

And then they flounce.

[AlterEgg]

Hehe

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

Here I am. Sorry for the delay, no excuses.

Hard task now, but I'll give everyone a short review before announcing my decision which, incidentally, is final. But if you're out, feel not broken-hearted. You're not leaving the competition - you're just joining me at my lofty position in the middle. I'll look after you. Here we go, then. *deep breath*



Dictionary.com defines jalopy as "an old, decrepit, or unpretentious automobile." I've never quite worked out the connection between this and Photoshopping competitions, although I suppose it could be describing the competitors. At least it's better than 'Wimblemong.'

And how about our entrants? The word genius is spaffed about all over the place willy-nilly these days. Its once-prized currency is devalued through hyperbolic overuse. But looking at the entries to this historic first round, I feel certain I'm not about to repeat that mistake. Let's take a look at some of those entries now...

Lyndon - gotta give you points for being quick off the mark here - and I particularly like the "right-wing propaganda cartoon" nature of this one, right down to the unnecessary labelling of Gordon Brown. A crowd-pleaser, if the crowd were comprised entirely of Biggytitbo.

fanny - great work remodelling that tabletop, and in all honestly, 'fingering' wasn't a direction I'd considered for this competition. The facial expressions in particular make this recontextualisation choice very apt - the daughter looking uneasy, but the son experiencing something new and wonderful.

Zero Gravitas - the painful, close-up dentistry sim we've all been waiting for. I like the choice of implements and the caption 'nice' especially. Bonus points for swapping the faces around on the family in the corner there. 'Interestingly', the only player to make use of the PNG format and the transparency it allows.

gmoney - Terrifying. I like the idea of someone being given this as an actual card. It being on sale in Clinton's. Imagine receiving it. Imagine your name is Christine and you've received that, anonymously.

ziggy - Beautifully done, of course, and little Maddie's always good for a mongy chuckle. Good use of a fairly low-resolution man-in-the-middle image. The dingy emptiness of the surroundings contrasts nicely with the tacky bright attraction which appears to be attracting no one. Your place in Hell remains guaranteed.

Koant - a classic subversion, pulling the rug out from under those unscrupulous videogame pimps. The idea of a child venturing into 'the world outside' and being impressed by its "amazing resolution" is irresistible, and the fact that the family appear to have remained in their sofa positions even outdoors reinforces the now-apparent creepy nature of this particular family.

ozziechef - What can one say? An ambitious four-way extension of the memelicious ManBabies concept, possibly referencing the desire of adults to revert to childhood, and the drive for children to mature ever earlier in life. A charming naivety pervades the image, the jagged cropping perhaps a metaphor for the disconnect of the protagonists (ie, all humanity) with society at large. An insouciant flouting of the dimensional requirement adds to the almost numbing power of the image.

_Hypnotoad_ - The idea that the Wii remote can detect Coopering of the hands, and use this feature as the basis of a multiplayer competitive game - and that this game would then be marketed as the 'Cooper-Tron 5000' - is delightful. Very competent monging, picking up an aspect no one else explored.

Old Thrashbarg - I like that the family have stuck the features incorrectly on their faces, I like that the notion of facial disguises is suddenly being marketed as 'new', I like the, ah, unusual slogan, and I like that mother's incontinence is at last being pushed as a plus in the world of advertising. Stain and all. I'm pleased not everyone went down the Wii game route.

Desi Rascal - I'm a sucker for a Whomong, and this is a beaut. I imagine it as a tacky, unofficial, canon-raping spin-off - an evil cigar-chomping Disney exec going all 'Young Sherlock Holmes' on the creator of the Daleks. Taking the position of the boy in the source image and twisting it in this way was inspired. Note also the use of the Dalek-human hybrid to hide the join where the boy was cut out.

DocDaneeka - I done a LOL. I like that you didn't go down the route of a Wii game, but took the image and used it as the basis for another product altogether. And what a product. I liked your decision to bravely jettison mother and daughter as frankly unnecessary in the bizarre universe of the mong, and again the boy's facial expression is spot on.

And finally, the mysterious Repentia (who registered less than two hours before posting this, hmm...) - this is beautifully done, and nice to see the ad (for 'meth', of course) in context somewhere. Beautiful cut-out work. Look at the different shadows, the different rips, the different lighting and textures on the two posters. Really accomplished stuff. The question is - WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? Is the time on the clock significant? Is the fact that most of the cameras are pointing downwards important? Is the slightly pixelly nature of the signage relevant? Has that sign hanging down on the right been put in after - and why? It has a great dreaminess about it. Are the family controlling the walking figure in some kind of platform game - on a literal platform? Overall, I think it's just much, much cleverer than me. I'm sure it's deep, I just don't have the apparatus to illuminate such depths. Answers on a postcard please (seriously, Repentia - PM me, whoever the fuck you are).

General note - thank you everyone who entered. Keep monging live. Make Something Cool Every Day. Oh, and stick to the size given, guys! 800 x 600 pixels. Shakespeare could contain the whole world of love and life and death within 14 perfect lines. Don't think of it as a limitation, think of it as a frame from within which great beauty can shine.  It should be simple enough using whatever inevitably illegal piece of software you're operating.

But now. With the blurbs out of the way, there comes the harsh task of judgement. I'll do it quickly, like a crack wax (and with much the same results). ozziechef - you know I love you in the most erotic terms, but I'm afraid Zero Gravitas had already done the Face/Off thing as part of his own image. I feel I have to prize originality above all other virtues in this contest. I'm sorry. I so sorry. You tempted fate by mentioning a second round place, and you soared - but Icarus-like, you bit the big one. But don't feel bad. Feel relieved. You were up against stiff competitors - competitors you now get to lord it over. Thank you for entering. I'm sorry it has to be this way.

*sigh*

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

I don't really know what happens now, but I guess we gather ourselves, and - at some point - another image is put up for people to get on with. Do I do that? Does ozzie? Do we both?

??

!!

[DocDaneeka]

Hah great write up LMC.

Yup you have to post another image. Sorry but thems the rules.

[ozziechef]

And I get to choose a loser too?  Is that how it works.

No offence taken LMC (you cunt)

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

Ok, I've got an image in mind. When's best for everyone? If you're all going out at the weekend there'd be no point posting it this afternoon, for instance.

[kittens]

LMC, that write-up is ace. I wish I'd entered now, just so you'd be forced to compliment me in some way.