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Benefits and/or awards, related stuff.

Started by thepuffpastryhangman, May 28, 2010, 09:58:20 AM

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thepuffpastryhangman

Yesterday's announced benefits muck-around by IDS reminded me of this nonsense I made up years ago, (something similar should be on tele soon then, eh Lyndon?) Anyway, enough with the running gags and back to the lame ones... Feeling especially generous this morning, ho-ho, and not being averse to starting one thread a year in HS Art, I decided to post it. A better man might've sent it to CaB radio, a better one still wouldn't have bothered making it up in the first place. Anything else out there relating to benefits, or awards ceremonies, or both?


Hello and welcome to this years' Department for Work and Pensions awards (formerly the DSSes) for the midlands area. The awards include two new categories this time; 'Most Sour Faced Member of Staff' and 'Most Extreme Violence Committed in a Jobcentre'. We've had a record number of votes in all categories again this year so without further ado, let the proceedings commence.

Our first category is the 'Kids Left in a Benefit Office' award in which we pay tribute to people who've left a child or children holding appointment tickets in benefit office queues while they've nipped in to town to commit crime or get pissed. Remember this category is also open to people who've merely borrowed kids to 'tek down so-shall'.

This years nominees are; Rebecca 'Bekz' Davis for her baby Jamelia Tooright, left for ninety three minutes at a DWP office in Derby while Rebecca set fire to a nearby Mothercare. Stella 'ELC' Osborne, for her two year old twins Heanor and Hucknall - apparently those two were born in a taxi en route to the City Hospital - left for fifty seven minutes at a DWP office in Nottingham while Stella tended to their educational needs via a little five finger discount at the local Early Learning Centre. And Tom Jeffers for his five year old nephew Francis McFinn left for the maximum six hours, 9:30am – 3:30pm at a DWP office in Leicester, well that's all day pub opening for you.

And the winner is...Stella 'ELC' Osborne for Heanor and Hucknall Osborne.
Unfortunately Stella can't be with us tonight as she's currently serving a six month custodial sentence. But she was allowed out briefly this afternoon to see her children, and she's left them here with us for the past eight and a half hours, maybe you heard them screaming over the band earlier? So collecting the award on their mother's behalf, let's hear it for Heanor and Hucknall Osborne.
Thank you Heanor and Hucknall - some delightful CCTV footage of the twins in a Nottingham DWP office there, who'd deny their mother an award after that performance?

Moving swiftly on, it's now time for one of our new award categories, and one that's proved very popular with voters, especially among text voters as it happens, it's 'Most Sour Faced Member of Staff'.

The first nomination is Robert Inchin of Newark Jobcentre. Mr Inchin was nominated by Rab O'Blarney who told us "I've never seen the cunt smile, even when I told him I'd got a job the previous week and took him in a case of Guinness he just sat there motionless". Thank you Rab O' Blarney.

The second nomination is Jane Tenbyair of Worksop DWP office. She was nominated by Dave Whitebait who told us "Every time they fucked up my giro I'd be down there complaining and it was always Ms Tenbyair who dealt with my claim. She's such a dowdy bitch one time I offered her a weeks job seekers allowance back, aye, out my own pocket mind you, if she'd laugh like, just once. She didn't." Thank you very much Mr Whitebait.

The final nomination in this category is Stephanie Balsamic of Melton Mowbray DWP office. She was also nominated by a Dave Whitebait, odd coincidence there, anyway, this other Dave Whitebait told us "Every time they fucked up my giro I'd be down there complaining and it was always Ms Balsamic who dealt with my claim. She's such a dowdy bitch one time I offered her a weeks job seekers allowance back, aye, out my own pocket mind you, if she'd laugh like, just once. She didn't."
I'm not sure how this has happened, it appears the same Dave Whitebait has nominated two entrants, each from a different county. Can we get Dave Whitebait back a minute? Thank you.
'Mr Whitebait, you've nominated two people from different counties in the Sour Faced Member of Staff category, how come?'
'They're as bad as each other.'
'But you can't be claiming from two DWP offices at the same time.'
'Don't get cheeky or I'll fucking do you. You'd better button your lip sunshine.'
'Thank you very much Mr. Whitebait.'
And the winner is Stephanie Balsamic of Melton Mowbray DWP office. Congratulations Stephanie, got a smile for us? Go on Stephanie, smile, go on, Steph...Stephie weffie, smile for the cameras. Maybe for a week's job seekers allowance? How much is that now, about twenty quid? Two weeks? You can do it Stephanie...oh well, there she goes the 'Most Sour Faced Member of Staff' Ms Stephanie Balsamic, give her a big hand.

Now we come to one of our most prestigious awards the 'Most Ridiculous Claim for Incapacity Benefit'. Narrowing it down to just three final nominations was difficult in itself and the outcome, I can tell you, was an extremely close run thing.

The entries for 'Most Ridiculous Claim for Incapacity Benefit' are; Carl 'Porkies' Taylor for 'flashbacks to that time the chip pan caught fire when I was a kid'. Jason 'badback' Smith for 'profound agoraphobia that sets in after a few hours whenever he's out the house unless he's with someone he knows' - after winning twice with his bad-back claim Jason certainly has raised the bar this year. And the final nominee is Stella 'ELC' Osborne for 'not being able to stop nicking so she'd best stay indoors, especially now Asda deliver'. Stella already the proud recipient of one award tonight...
And the winner is...Jason 'badback' Smith for 'profound agoraphobia that sets in after a few hours whenever he's out the house unless he's with someone he knows'! Despite being a close call, it's no real surprise to hear the name 'badback' in association with this award as it's his third consecutive win in this category. Does he get to keep the trophy now? Anyone know? No one seems quite sure but anyway, on with proceedings...Unable to join to us tonight, Mr Smith let us know he simply couldn't be arsed and probably wouldn't answer the phone today even if we were calling to tell him he'd won, so we're not going to bother. But let's hear it for, assuming you've got the energy, a big hand please, for this years winner of the 'Most Ridiculous Claim for Incapacity Benefit' award, selective agoraphobic Jason 'badback' Smith. Thank you.

Now we move on to what's considered by many to be sister category to the previous award, yes, it's the 'Most Ridiculous Proof Needed in order to Claim Incapacity Benefit'. This is the only award to be accompanied by a cash bonus – this year it's £100 in Premium Bonds, deducted from any Incapacity Benefit payments the winner is currently receiving.

So let's remind ourselves of this years nominations; first up its Cath Eddleston for 'being forced to cross a busy road unaided to prove she is blind'. Cath, aged fifty eight and born blind has been blind since birth, her sister Wanda told us "our Cath can seek fuck all, absolutely fuck all" and we believe her. Cath was knocked over during her 'proof of incapacity' test and hospitalized for several months, but you'll be glad to hear Cath's claim was successful and she was awarded a token sum extra each week for guide dog food and a few quid off her TV licence. Progress!

The next nominee is Simon Brinkwater for 'being encouraged to slash a major artery during an interview to prove he's mentally unstable'. Simon was attempting to claim incapacity benefit on grounds of depression but despite almost a decade of medical records supporting his submission the assessment staff didn't initially rule in favour of Simon's claim. His close friend, who Simon is pretty much alienated from actually because of the severe depression, but he's still the closest thing to a friend Simon has, his sort of friend Andy told us "Simon's a right morbid cunt. He's depressing to be around, just seeing him really brings me down. But the DWP were having none of it, they said 'if you're so fucking unhappy, well, I don't think they said fucking, but anyway, they said if you're so unhappy Brinkwater, prove it, cut yourself up, here and now, no scratches, slice a vein, deep, now, go on glum boy, bleed for us. So he did, and he needed emergency micro-surgery to seal the artery, or he'd have been dead twenty minutes later." Thank you Andy, Simon's sort of mate there.

Completing the nominations in 'Most Ridiculous Proof Needed in order to Claim Incapacity Benefit' is Sandra 'limbless' Wheeler for 'being chucked in the canal to see if she could swim, because if she can that must mean she has working limbs so there'. One of her full time carers Lisa Bull told us "it's obvious Sandra has no arms or legs, yet that lot at the DWP assessment didn't believe her, so they carried her to the canal half a mile from their office, it can be quite nice down there in summer but you do get the odd case of men exposing themselves from boats if you look out for them, anyway, yeah, two of DWP staff carried Sandra down to the canal and just chucked her in, a leg and a wing but without the leg, or the wing. I think they reckoned she was going to grow arms or something and start swimming, and that'd undermine her claim. If it wasn't for a bloke sat outside The Lock, that's the canal-side pub down there, seeing it all, and diving in to save Sandra, she'd be dead.' Thanks very much Lisa Bull.

And the winner is Simon Brinkwater for 'being encouraged to slash a major artery during an interview to prove he's mentally unstable'. I think that probably has a lot to do with the sheer amount of blood flying around that day. Nonetheless I'd like to congratulate Simon and thank Andy for collecting this award on his behalf. Andy, have you got a message for Simon on this momentous occasion? 'Cheer up you sad twat!' There you have it, compassion to stir even the coldest of hearts. Congratulations Simon and special thanks to Andy.

Tonight's finale is another new award, in a category that was crying out for recognition, yes, it's the one you've all been waiting for, even if only by virtue of the fact it hasn't happened already, it's the award for 'Most Extreme Violence Committed in a Jobcentre'. Steady on now, you've not heard the nominations yet. Let's put that right right right right now with, the nominations!

There's Antony 'M.I.T.' Doyle - nothing to do with the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, in Antony's case the M.I.T. stands for Mad Irish Tony – nominated for 'head butting the glass panel during a restart interview so hard he fractured his skull, forcing his way through the glass and using wire cutters removing the ear of an unnamed member of staff'. I believe we have a clip of that filmed on a mobile phone by someone attending an interview at the next cubicle, do we have the clip? Oh good, roll it. Antony 'M.I.T.' Doyle there.

The second nominee is Ellen 'ashtray' Ilson for 'bludgeoning to death a Jobcentre security guard with an ashtray'. Ellen herself told us via web cam from her cell "It's no smoking in the Jobcentre, and I respect that, so I always carry my own ashtray with me. This security guard, he looked piss-weak to me, came over and asked me put my fag out or to smoke outside. Well, I wasn't about to nub it, it was a Bensons for fuck sake, not some shitty fag, and there was no way I was going outside and risking missing my appointment, so I battered him with my ashtray. Then I sat down and finished my fag. I apologized about the ash on the floor, but what can you do?" Thank you Ellen 'ashtray' Ilson.

The final contender in the 'Most Extreme Violence Committed in a Jobcentre' award is Rowena 'sub you, sub me, sub it together, naturally' Honeywell, a DWP employee at the time of the incident, nominated for 'brandishing a Heckler & Koch MP5 machine gun, leaving her desk and massacring a claimant centre cocktail of fourteen, including seven restart attendees and a documentary film crew before finally turning the gun on herself'. As you might've guessed, Rowena was a big Lionel Ritchie fan. Although no members of the documentary film crew are still with us, the priceless footage they captured on that fateful Tuesday November morning is. The crew were making a documentary about the increasing bureaucratization of the benefits system and it's been suggested their prying might've played its part in pushing Rowena over the edge, or rather up from her desk and in to a killing spree. I'm sure you'll be as stunned in to silence as I was the first seven times I watched this film. Roll it. There we have it, Rowena 'sub you, sub me, sub it together, naturally' Honeywell. Pure class.

And the winner is, no surprise really, Rowena Honeywell, winner of our first ever 'Most Extreme Violence in a Jobcentre' award. Also the first award to be given posthumously. Congratulations Rowena and congratulations to all those involved. Well done. Now all that's left for me to say is goodnight. Goodnight!