Author Topic: Friends of the opposite sex  (Read 3394 times)

23 Daves

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Friends of the opposite sex
« on: May 10, 2004, 12:12:25 PM »
A bit of a spin-off from a piece of rambling off-topic nonsense I mentioned on another thread, this...

Some time ago, the girlfriend of a friend of mine who also happens to be a qualified psychiatrist was talking to me on the subject of having friends of the opposite sex.  I said to her that I didn't really have many any more, and she replied that nor did she, but she accepted that as being a natural part of growing older.  Slightly confused I asked her why, and she said (in so many words) "Well, you tend to have friends of the opposite sex when you're younger and you're not so good with relationships so that you've got people who aren't of your own sex to confide in and gain understanding.  There's also an element of sexual tension there, whether you're aware of it or not - I'd honestly say I fancied almost all of my male friends at some point or another.  As friends, though, they represent no threat.  When you actually get older and have a relationship that works, they become unnecessary, and the friendship normally dies out".

She'd obviously thought hard about the topic (and possibly even read research about it) and I was curious about this theory.  The pattern my life has followed has been particularly odd.  Between the ages of 18-25 my social circle was normally a 50/50 split between male and female.  I was always quite happy with this, purely because it gets a bit boring going out with men all the time and dealing with their periodic lack of openness, and sometimes also a mixed social circle tends to zap out any of the rivalry that single sex social groups tend to have - bitching in the women and piss-taking in the men, normally.  It all worked very well.  True enough, I did fancy a few of my old female friends quite a bit but kept it quiet either for the sake of the friendship or because they were already attached.  In one or two instances I think this was stupid of me in retrospect, but that's another story.

Coming bang up to date now, I've got two female friends left - if they actually qualify.  One is a failed actress who gets in contact out of the blue every now and then for old time's sake.  The other is a writer, and most of our conversations seem to revolve around how the hell to make a living out of what we do.  That's it.  Both of them are nice enough, though the former is a complete bitch if you actually happen to be going out with her (largely because the men she sees are stupid enough to let her be, probably because she's incredibly good looking).

I don't know whether to be depressed by this or accept it as being a fact of life.  True, I've got a wonderful girlfriend who I keep no secrets from (apart from trying to sneakily get on the Internet behind her back when I should be 'working') but there is something slightly downbeat about the theory that one stops mixing with the opposite sex after one has grown out of it as a 'phase'.

So... what has everyone else's experiences been?  Is this the truth, or is the theory absolute nonsense?

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2004, 12:18:57 PM »
do you not have other couple friends? or do you mean friends that are just yours? i have found that all my friends are now my blokes and his mine so we both do have friends of either sex - or dont you count them?

Sherringford Hovis

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Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2004, 12:25:29 PM »
I'd say that the reverse is true for me - as I get older, I have MORE female friends, for either or both of the following reasons:

a) With maturity it's much easier for both sides to get past all the "do they fancy me?" bullshit

b) Like Sean Connery, my attractiveness to the female of the species doubles with every passing year, baby.

23 Daves

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Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2004, 12:36:55 PM »
Quote from: "hotvans"
do you not have other couple friends? or do you mean friends that are just yours? i have found that all my friends are now my blokes and his mine so we both do have friends of either sex - or dont you count them?


I really don't think of any girlfriends (or wives) of my friends as mates, to be honest.  It's not that I don't get on with them, just that I don't get on with them well enough.  I've always found my friend's choices in partners odd, to be honest with you, and they're definitely not people I'd have picked for myself either as mates or partners.  Strange but true.

As to my girlfriend's friends, they're nice enough, but I can't remember the last time they asked to speak to me on the phone or contacted me.  They're not really 'my' friends as such, they're hers.  They're only interested in my life because I'm a part of hers, and that's as far as it goes.

That said, one friend of mine did have a girlfriend I thought was fantastic, really great company, but then he had to ruin it all by driving her away with a string of affairs.  Very selfish of him, that.  I have very little contact with her these days, probably because the whole situation is just a tiny bit awkward.  I know he's been a git, the only problem is he hears about it every time I say that...

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2004, 12:38:30 PM »
I'm absolutely the opposite.  I've always got on better with girls/women anyway, but the older I get there seems to be less close male friends around.  This is probably because of situational variables as much as personality - nearly all my close male friends are the people I grew up with, and as I don't live in Yorkshire anymore I don't really see them a great deal.  When I first moved to London I was in Halls of Residence, where there was 3 male and 3 female in the flat (including me).  One of the other men was a fellow from Thailand who wasn't the greatest English speaker anyway, and even if he was he spent much of his time studying far too hard in his room.  The other chap was a chap from Greece who was an utter idiot who hated me because I wasn't an Alpha male chest-beater like him, and was thoroughly masogynistic and homophobic - though we're all convinced he's a repressed homosexual.  Naturally then, it was the females in the flat I talked to.  Add to this the fact that for the majority of my classes I was one of only three men, and you can see a pattern emerge.

Once I finished that course, I moved into a house where I shared with one of my flatmates from that flat, and two other ladies, one of whom I now consider to be my best friend.  I was there for three years, until I moved to where I live now.  I now live with my girlfriend.  Naturally you can see how my close friends are female, so, as I say, this may be due to situational variables more than what I need in terms of company psychologically/sociologically.

However, I still reckon that you don't necessarily need to shed your friends of opposite sex because they're "not neccessary" anymore.  I think if you shed friends of the opposite sex it's almost because societally it's awkward.  When people learn that my best friend is a woman they're surprised, as if I've revealed that I can't swim or something.  It's almost as if we have some over-ruling thought that whereas platonic friendships are concerned we should stick with our own.  Perhaps this is something to do with that sexual tension which you speak of, and that definitely exists, but the older I get the healthier I think that is.  I'm not sure why I think that, but I'm not going to think about it in type now because I've waffled on for long enough, it's nearly lunch time and I really need to wee.

23 Daves

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Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2004, 12:49:20 PM »
People suspecting foul play is definitely a factor.  There are some supposedly very liberal and 'understanding' men out there, for example, who see red if they notice their girlfriend having a totally innocent and close platonic friendship with a man.  There's one boyfriend of an old female friend of mine (who she's still with) who has been a thorough pain in the arse in that respect, insisting on attending all our drinks and sitting silently and sullenly throughout our conversations, refusing to allow her to go to the theatre with me when I had a spare ticket, etc... it's largely because his last girlfriend ran off with an alleged 'male friend', but all the same, I would have hoped he'd have realised that I'm not suddenly going to make a move on someone I've been mates with for five years.  Even I'm not that slow.  I'm quite insulted by that suggestion.

A common factor, then, maybe?  And people continually saying "Oh come on, you two MUST be together" may also be problematic.  No matter how common the phenomenon is, people do tend to view the whole thing with suspicion.

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2004, 01:21:16 PM »
Same as Dave here. From hanging around with more women than men when I was in my late teens to having hardly any female friends at all. The reason for this though is not that they are deemed unneccesary, far from it. You see they've all decided to stay in the towns and city's they went to universtiy in, and settle down with long term boyfriends. Almost all of them which is really weird as most blokes I know have come back. This pisses me off slightly as I really would like more female friends as I tend to prefer their ability to converse about emotional matters rather than football a great thing. Also the chances of introductions to possible girlfriends is certainly a be a real boom. So PLC any chance of me swopping some of my surplus male friends for some of your ladies?

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2004, 01:27:49 PM »
Quote from: "23 Daves"
People suspecting foul play is definitely a factor.

GAH. All-time #1 pet hate or what. <fume>

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2004, 02:23:40 PM »
^ Yeah but there's an awful lot of foul play which actually does occur. It's just best to have a lenient ref who believes in letting the game flow, isn't it.

Christ I've started this post a few times now, trying to be concise. Edit, edit, edit, rearrange thoughts, edit. Strewth. And that's leaving "swaying" aside.

I'm not sure if my old friendships with females have "become unnecessary" to me any more than my old friendships with males, to be honest. Unfortunately, both have been becoming equally unnecessary. That's a horrible choice of phrase by the way, and I don't know whether to blame you for it, Daves, or your friend. (I hear a reworking of Gary Numan - Are Friends Expendable?) If I'm very cold light of day about it, it does seem as if there's no point in my old female friends continuing to humour me if I'm not going to be their man. They just don't have the time. What a self-centred thing to say, but that's how it feels. It certainly isn't me leaving them high and dry, it's the other way 'round. Why should they continue to listen to my jokes if it's not "going anywhere"? I think we're all used to women thinking things have to "go somewhere" all the bloody time, and I'm afraid that's what it might be.

On the plus side, we just had a female friend visiting for the weekend and it was lovely. Glad we made the most of it before it dies out completely, if you're right. Regular readers will know that jealousy isn't a big factor in my girlfriend's psyche, so at least there isn't that obstacle. Cuh, how depressing. Actually, I did want to nail her, come to think of it.

That's clear then :-S

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #9 on: May 10, 2004, 03:35:45 PM »
This does make a bit of sense to me actually. I have quite a few male 'mates' who'll call me up to let me know about a party/social gathering/night out they would like me and the girls to be at, and we get on fine, but they all have tried it on at some point.
My female friends have had boyfriends I genuinely liked and respected, but I learned a long time ago that it is our loyalty to each other that is our strongest bond and out of that loyalty I DO try not to get TOO pally with them. The relationships always break up and it's best if you are not conflicted over whose side to take. I.E. - even if she was a cunt to him, you can still be there for her because you were never very close to him.
Saying that. I do have one extremely close male friend. He was going out with one of my school friends when I met her, so I've known him as long as her, I'd ring him all the time for advice for a chat or to cry on his shoulder, and he has always confided in me the same way, we were in a band together when we were younger and when she went to Uni, we saw more of each other than she and he or she and I did for four years. They broke up very recently and it's HORRIBLE. It was almost entirely her fault and he is absolutely cut up about it and if push came to shove I'd have to choose his friendship over hers, which has caused much debate with the rest of the girls - two of them are completely on my side, the other two are completely adamant that it's got to be her - mainly because she's a girl, if you ask me.
 I dunno why this friendship has lasted. Probably BECAUSE of the lack of sexual tension - he's always been completely her man and faithful and even now, there's just no question that he would ever try it on with one of us - we've known him too long, he knows all our disgusting habits and nasty secrets and the reverse is true too. It's a PROPER friendship - by that I mean a friendship where you want nothing of the other person but that they are there for you and you repay the favour. Sex is the ugly thing that rears it's head and ruins male - female friendship. That's probably why I would class my little brother as one of my best friends. Possibly my best friend - we have that sort of honest relationship effortlessly, it takes work with everyone else - but it's worth it.

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #10 on: May 10, 2004, 03:42:56 PM »
Nah, he wants to nail you too.  Men are all disgusting sex pests with smelly genitals.

Except me, of course.

Joking aside though, I don't necessarily think that sex is the thing that ruins it.  I think you just have to accept that we're all sexual beings and acknowledge it.  I think what Daves says about people reckoning that surely you're at it is more of a problem than your mate giving you a hard/wide on - it makes a problem out of sex where one doesn't exist.  If you take every single glimmer of sexual excitement as a sign that you want to get jiggy with it, you'll end up humping everything and anything.  You're two people with genitals that fit together, of course there's going to be some undercurrent somewhere, even if it's hidden below fifteen thousands layers of get off me you ugly bitch, but it needn't be a problem, just as I think there's the possibility that there's the tiniest modicum of truth in the Oedipus Complex but it doesn't mean that I can't sit with my mother because I'm worried I might get drunk and fuck her.

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #11 on: May 10, 2004, 03:46:32 PM »
My BROTHER wants to nail me?

Actually, that explains a LOT........


Nah. I won't believe you're ALL that bad. I just won't. That only leaves me the option of licking minge - and while I have no objection to letting a lady do stuff to me, there's NO WAY I'm repaying the favour.

Which makes me just like a man I suppose......

fanny splendid

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Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #12 on: May 10, 2004, 03:50:17 PM »
Aww, are we not getting any?

You're not a contortionist by any chance, are you?

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #13 on: May 10, 2004, 03:51:25 PM »
Are you speaking to ME?
Or just blowing your nose?

fanny splendid

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Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #14 on: May 10, 2004, 03:54:04 PM »
Which ever is easiest for you to understand.

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #15 on: May 10, 2004, 03:59:13 PM »
Well speaking, generally.
It's a very personal question! Ah well....

I did get some on Friday night, and rather nice it was too, one of those MASSIVE cocks where you're sorta scrambling away from him on the bed because he's starting to hit internal organs and he's dragging you back. But I quite enjoy that.
However, that was after a celibate period of some ten months and I was off my tits at the time and had to sneak off the next morning in case he asked for my telephone number, which is never fun when all you want to do is sleep for twelve hours.
And I AM double jointed - but only in my fingers.

That answer the question?

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #16 on: May 10, 2004, 04:00:55 PM »
Y'see, one day on CaB and already you've had a proper seeing-to.

<Tips hat.>  All part of the service, m'am.

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #17 on: May 10, 2004, 04:02:36 PM »
You reckon he posts here?

I dunno - he seemed kinda NORMAL....

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #18 on: May 10, 2004, 04:03:49 PM »
Yeah old Donkeyrod has posted here before.

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #19 on: May 10, 2004, 04:06:32 PM »
Recognised his shagging technique did you?

fanny splendid

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Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #20 on: May 10, 2004, 04:15:17 PM »
Quote from: "FrizzBit"
That answer the question?


Not really, we were talking about flying AerLingus.

So just how big is massive?

Is your real name Fran?

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #21 on: May 10, 2004, 04:21:24 PM »
Aerlingus? You're confusing me deliberately now lady! I thought you were being snarky before.

How big is massive? Well I'm quite small, so pretty much anything over six inches tends to hit the cervix, but the fun is all in the girth as we well know.
The ladies like to get it TIGHT. :-b

Is my real name Fran? No, but if you've enough money it could be....

MojoJojo

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Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #22 on: May 10, 2004, 04:24:20 PM »
See? Sexual tension is already intruding upon these cross gender internet friendships.

I survive by imaging you all look like this:
 

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #23 on: May 10, 2004, 04:25:13 PM »
Quote from: "FrizzBit"
Aerlingus? You're confusing me deliberately now lady! I thought you were being snarky before.


You've got to be more cunning.

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #24 on: May 10, 2004, 04:29:15 PM »
In what way?

Isn't cunning just being sneaky?
And is Franny getting any is what I want to know?

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #25 on: May 10, 2004, 04:41:33 PM »
Fanny's our resident paedophile.  His lady goes to school and everything.

Sexual difference is built in to friendly greetings, so we all start off on the wrong foot from the start.  When I say hello or goodbye to my female friends there's usually a kiss somewhere along the line, but yet if I were to kiss my male friends I'd be told to get off you big homma.  What that essentially says is that somewhere along the line I'm allowed to think of banging one lot of friends, but not the other.  Naturally, if I were to actually say to their boyfriend, "Can I shaft your bird" he'd rightly give me a punch up the bracket.  Similarly I've been known to kiss gay men goodbye, which makes no sense either - why kiss the ones that might feasably be interested?  Maybe somewhere along the line it's about a cheap thrill of being wanted, I really don't know.

My dad, who's turning into something of a soppy old goat as he gets older,  kissed me on the top of the head on Christmas Day.  Took me rather by surprise.  Once I'd thought about it though, I thought it was rather nice and couldn't see why I should be any more or less bothered about that than I would if my mum did the same.  Gender definition is a strange thing, and one I'm saving for a different thread which, bizarrely, I'd intended to start before this one cropped up.  Maybe I'll leave it a few days...

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #26 on: May 10, 2004, 04:46:55 PM »
Quote from: "Partridge's Love Child"
Similarly I've been known to kiss gay men goodbye, which makes no sense either - why kiss the ones that might feasably be interested?  Maybe somewhere along the line it's about a cheap thrill of being wanted, I really don't know.


Just realised I do that too...Pecooler!!!

Anyway FrizzBit, don't let fanny give you any lip.

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #27 on: May 10, 2004, 04:47:33 PM »
I have a diagram in an old Psychology text book which marks down the parts of male and female bodies, and what relationship you have to be too them in order to touch them. Eg. Mother can touch Son anywhere apart form their knackers for example, or female friend and female friend can touch more than male friend and male frined.

It's fascinating stuff and I'll try and scan it in for tommorrow. (and learn to type and spell at the same time)

MojoJojo

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Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #28 on: May 10, 2004, 04:48:30 PM »
Quote from: "Partridge's Love Child"

Sexual difference is built in to friendly greetings, so we all start off on the wrong foot from the start.  When I say hello or goodbye to my female friends there's usually a kiss somewhere along the line, but yet if I were to kiss my male friends I'd be told to get off you big homma.


I agree sexual interaction is there at some level, but I don't think kissing hello/goodby is necessary part of it. Do you kiss your mum?

Hmmm, even if there is nothing sexual between friends, there is almost certainly a short period of time when they first meet when this is being worked out. Even if they have a boyfriend or whatever, you will still evaluate sexiness.

Friends of the opposite sex
« Reply #29 on: May 10, 2004, 04:53:51 PM »
I'm soaking up and doling out as much physical affection as I can with the littl'un, because I realise full well that after he's about six he'll have none of it, until maybe when he's late twenties and will perhaps allow me a mingey little peck which he can dismiss as my becoming a soppy old goat.

"Mingey little peck," hmm I'm still with FrizzBit in Lesbania aren't I.