The Diary of Billy Prunce aged 16 and a bit

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

My young Sue Townsends, I want you to help me with the diary of this young fellow. It's a blank slate, so feel free to take his story wherever you feel like. As we go along we'll need to occasionally watch for continuity, but as thread starter, I solemnly vow to shoulder that burden.

Feel free to jump in and have fun! So, to get things started and provide a bit of a launchpad:


January 1st
Happy New Year me! I can't believe I had to stay in while all my mates went out. That was well unfair. Instead I stayed in with my mum and dad and had to watch Terry Wogan and Gabby Roslin drink fake champagne. Dad banned me from drinking after the Boxing Day fiasco. So he had to clean up some sick? So what, I bet I have to when I get old and have kids. Got a text from my mate Gav reckons he had Jill Stockley over a Daewoo Lanos, but that's got to be rubbish. I'll kill myself if he gets laid before I do. Maths mocks next week. ARGH. Why did I do Maths? Everyone in my class is better than me at maths. I've done no revision all holidays, just sat in my room watching One Tree Hill. I don't seem to be able to stop myself, despite not knowing or caring greatly who these people are.

January 2nd
Mum and Dad went to the garden centre. There is nothing more boring than a garden centre. I repeated this mantra at my Nan's all afternoon as we ended up watching old episodes of Countdown. Still, I got two quid and an easter egg out of it. Where does she get all these eggs from? She has about a hundred in her loft. Don't ask, don't tell. There's a naked photo of Bethan Wainwright going around! I have to see this. Why is it always me that hears about this last? Typical. I bet it's on Facebook, I bloody bet it is. I don't fancy her so I don't know why I want to see them. I just know I have to. Sat on the bus eating the mini-eggs.

January 3rd
Nothing happened today. It just pissed it down all day. Went to Spar to get a paper. That was about it. The girl behind the counter is amazing. She even looks hot in that speckled tabard thing they wear. She looks like she might serve us alcohol. Just a hunch, she has that devilry in her eye. Maybe it's just me. It probably is just me. Oh yeah, Haha, the Gav rumour was bollocks! I knew it! He'd never have had the guts to shag someone on the headmaster's car. I'm going to get him for that when term starts.
STILL NO REVISION WHY CAN'T I DO THIS? What is a non-euclidean triangle and how do I get it to FUCK OFF?

[alan nagsworth]

January 12th
Sorry for not writing anything in over a week. I guess I'm having trouble getting acquainted with the fact that I am basically just writing to 'someone' that is just a cold, indifferent sheet of paper. And also apologising to it. Still I'm back and more remorseful for returning. I ate too many chocolate eggs the last few weeks and seem to be eggbound and sugary. I can't seem to stop shitting brown waste which is unnatural for my diet. Grandma said it was perfectly healthy, though, and gave me another Rolo egg. I've got enough chocolate brand name mugs to form a collection now, if I were that way inclined, which I'm not but thankfully my sister is so I don't feel bad about just selfishly gruffling the choccie and leaving the mugs to gather dust at the back of the cupboard with the Princess Diana memorial china.

January 13th
Fell down the fucking stairs. Neck hurts like crazy. Too annoyed to write anything else right now, just gonna watch The OC omnibus and eat a few Creme Eggs. Dad got a box of about twenty from the warehouse because they were half-melted and bashed a bit so the creme had seeped out through the foil. Get in.

[jutl]

January 25th
I am outraged to find that someone called Patti Smith wrote and released a song called Rock 'n' Roll n**ger. How is this kind of thing allowed to happen? It must be because it was the 1970s, before Dr King sat at the front of the bus and freed the slaves. These days we know better, and there would quite rightly be a riot if someone released a record called Techno p**i or Jazz Wog.

[Ginyard]

January 26th
Remember those maths mocks? Only got 99% didn't I?! Hardly a Hole in 9 is it? Mr Fistem pointed out that I still confuse my 9s with my 1s and that I'd need to work on that. I get the last laugh though because I don't have a name that suggests I go around pumping my hand up boys rectums. Secretly I dont think its very fair because its Mr Gumpfrey who does that, and he tickles their sprouts as well, but all he gets called is Mr Hump-three, which sounds more like a boast to me.

[alan nagsworth]

January 27th
Realised the inherent irony of being a subversive little oik and me and my band The Total Numpties (with Terry, Steve and Rigby) wrote a song called 'Techno p**i'. The chorus goes 'techno p**i techno p**i / all your tunes are very tacky / write a banger for me now / tell me where are the bombs' and as you can see it's a kind of quirky punk stab at the prevailing racism in today's modern Britain. Played the demo cassette to my mum and she clouted me round the ear. Dad had a good chuckle at it though! Said it "reminded him of a third-rate Exploited song' which is a good thing I think!

[Emma Raducanu]

January 29th
Visited the corner shop with Dad's dictaphone hidden in my shirt pocket and set about asking some confectionery based questions to the man at the counter. Didn't manage to get anything worth sampling so Techno p**i remains unfinished and will not be ready to be used for Friday's school play. I'm in the shit already with Mum refusing to let me use her favourite dish cloth as a turban. Yet another shit episode of California 210, if I was Trey I'd have dumped Cindy by now - she's only interested in shoes while Claudia has a degree in Maths and definately wears no makeup. Had eight weetabix for supper but I'd definately have milk with them next time.

[Emma Raducanu]

January 30th
Thursdays are my least favourite day and always will be. I hate everything about P.E but why the hell do we have to play rugby? It'd be okay if the girls had to as well. Rigby smashed Terry's front teeth out so now we're minus a singer for the Total Numpties. I've been asked to stand in while Terry has some plastic teeth cast but my voice is starting to break and I get embarrassed when my voice suddenly goes high-pitched. It's horrible enough that I'm 16 and my balls haven't dropped yet; Mum just say's I'm special. Any way, I'm totally pissed off about my break down the wing, about to score my first try before Downy pulled my shorts down in a last ditch tackle. Aren't teachers supposed to stop bullying? In which case, why was I made to walk back without my shorts on? I did nothing wrong! It wasn't my fault Barry Downy is struggling to repress his sexuality. I suppose that's what Mr Gumpfrey has in common with him, as he watched each and everyone of us shower. Must he insist on appyling the talc though? Got seven 9 letter words on countdown this evening but no one was around to see it.

[Emma Raducanu]

31st January
Well I don't know what I was worried about, the school play rocked! Even Mrs Popadom managed to dance along seemingly oblivious to the inherent lyrical racism, which threatened to bring intra-school-Anglo-p**i relations back into the dark ages. In fact her bum-thrust and grind session on Mr Fistem suggested she was positively enjoying it.
Mum and Dad have spent the evening arguing about the phone bill - Dad seemed convinced he'd won the argument by claiming he could have bought 12kg of potatoes instead of Mum's frequent calls to her friend Julie who has been suffering from depression, insomnia, paranoia and various drug related problems, which Mum claims are her only life line. I always wondered why I could hear her creeply singing nursery rhymes when I was already in bed.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

1st February
What an odd month! The weather was shit this weekend and it looks like it's going to snow. There's rugby next week. I'm dreading the showers, my cock's going to look like it's being viewed through the wrong end of a telescope. Wrote a new song for TN's today called Wife In The Face. It's a sort of proto-punk effort.

Wife In The Face

Wife
There's a wife in the face
Wife
There's a wife in the face
And everyone can see it
In the aisle

Wife
There's a wife in the face
Massive massive fucking wife in the face
And everyone can see it
In Homebase

Standing with a trellis
That costs £140
Standing looking for a debit card
That'll be £140 please WHAT ITS JUST WOOD FUCK OFF

Wife
There's a wife in the face
An actual wife in the face
At the checkout
Wow

Wife
There's a wife in the face
Wifey wife in the face

Bring the car to the shop front
So I don't get the wife wet
No change there then

Wife
There's a wife in the face
At the automatic doors
Total total fucking wife no way no way oh no
Wife in the face

I think it's quite good. We might do a sort of glam-rock middle 8. I've been singing it all day. Dad itemised the phone bill and it looks like Mum spent 12 hours talking to Julie at peak time. I think Dad might flip and tell Julie not to do this. She only lives next door, and they can hear each other through the wall.

I saw one of those 'Got Milk' posters today, and I actually did have milk, so I replied "Yes." Up yours.

A package arrived yesterday in the post, it was big and wrapped all over with parcel tape. I have no idea what it is. What could this package be!?
It's hiding in the attic. Is it for me?