More honest Radio / TV Times listings

[Nelson Swillie]

If you were, or had been, the editor of a TV listings magazine at any point in time, how would you have described TV programmes you either loved, hated or were indifferent about?
(Anyone who says "Oh he's just copying TV Go Home, get to fuck. I'm actually copying the Spitting Image book.)
This was inspired by LFBarfe's fantastic fake RT entry for the Mary Whitehouse Experience.

10.30pm Newman and Baddiel in Pieces
Rancid.
_{Producer Cutesy Gigglegush (14)}

9.00pm The Goodies
What a shitter VCRs aren't yet common in people's homes, because this will never be repeated. It's enough to make you weep, especially as this episode alone contains more ideas and genuine laughs than an entire series of Are You Being Served can muster, but that's the way it is. UK Gold won't be invented for another sixteen years either. Pisser.
_{Proudcer Jim Franklin}

8.00pm Are You Being Served?
Another pile of cold, cynical, homophobic, cheap-laughs drivel written by a couple of bolshy old bastards who piss this stuff out in between glasses of brandy, expensive cigars and listens to crappy old jazz records before looking through 1950s grot magazines "for ideas" and coming up with contrived tits, knickers and arse jokes in some misguided belief that their cheesy perversions hold any cultural or comedic relevance in the fucking 1980s.
_{Producer Another feckless old sod we daren't get rid of}

5.35pm Rolf Harris' Cartoon Time
Oh for Christ's sake, it's that one with the bloody owl singing Al Jolson numbers again. You can safely miss the first ten minutes. After that, there's a fucking cracking Chuck Jones effort with Marc Anthony, Pussyfoot and Claude the Cat, but this is followed by another of those bloody tiresome Harmon-Ising efforts with loads of singing and twee voices.
_{Producer Hugh Letdown}

[Nelson Swillie]

9.00pm Filthy Rich and Catflap
Shouting, knob gags and Rik Mayall being incredibly irritating.
_{Producer Ol Palzact}

9.00pm Python Night
Before you get all excited about the new material, bear in mind that they're all ancient now, their comedy timing is shot, they're reviving old characters embarrassingly and their idea of doing something 'shocking' is having Ken Ewing squash a kitten off-screen, sending a shower of blood and offal over an unconvincingly disgusted John Cleese. And the documentary with Eddie Izzard is rubbish. But at least there's a full screening of Life of Brian, which is nice.
_{WARNING Contains extended scenes of legacy shredding. Even Eric Idle stayed away from this one, which sort of tells you everything you need to know.}

[Lfbarfe]

9.02pm Who Do You Think You Are?

For one week, the genealogy aspect is dropped in favour of a studio audience full of comedy fans asking the Mighty Boosh what right they have to infest television.
^{Producer Lord Peter Animal-Whimsy}

9.30pm Jews at Ten

Stills of prominent show business Jews, over Ted Heath and his Music's jazz version of 'Hava Nagila'.
^{Rostrum camera Ken Morse}

[Rowlands]

10.00pm The IT Crowd
Richard Ayoade makes faces and over pronounces the syllables in the word "flippin'", Katherine Parkinson shouts "RWOOOOOOOOARGH!" a lot and Chris O'Dowd says "Noooooo Jen noooooo a peddle-stool noooo why you think dah Jen nooooo". Also featuring Matt Berry looking like a cottage pie.
_{Producer Gag Flaggedamileoff}

Spoiler alert

LFBarfe - NS is right about Filthy, Rich and Catflap

[close]

[Guy]

10:444 Crapston Villas

Oh no I hate that is shitty

4:0 Rentaghost

Ahh, my favourite!

[boxofslice]

12.30pm  Loose Women

Time to crack open the cheap vodka ladies as the panel of four menopausal women whose careers have seen better days, offer up pig-ignorant and ill-informed comments on the day's news.  Today's guest: Mel Gibson.


^{Caution: May cause numbing of the brain}

[Lfbarfe]

7pm - The One Show

Bloke and woman who must have been promoted in a tearing hurry from regional telly link disparate features that sometimes veer into the quite interesting, when nobody's looking, but which mostly consist of Wilfred from the Bash Street Kids kicking car tyres and telling you that the Nigerians on the Internet aren't really planning to give you any money. Guests include Michael McIntyre (Mon, Wed, Fri only).
^{Producer A Skateboarding-Duck}

[Nelson Swillie]

Ah, superb stuff. And I'm honestly not trying to cause trouble! 'A Skateboarding Duck' made me laugh. I still remember Richard Stilgoe's song "Goodbye Skateboarding Duck". Ah, Nationwide With the Furniture Rearranged, we hardly knew ye!

10.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned
Might have been alright if it was Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer unplanned.
_{Producer Squidy Diddit-First}

9.00 Not Again - the Not the Nine O'Clock News Story
Nowhere near enough classic sketches or songs, because the tossers who make these nostalgia-lite one-size-fits-all history lessons these days think we all need this stuff contextualising and commenting on by Ronni Ancona, Dara O'Briain and other wankers who durr-brains will recognize, because we're all clearly too fucking thick to make our own minds up or let the facts speak for themselves.
_{Researcher Manny Feroldrope}

3.05am Pets
Infinitely funnier than Mongrels, but because we haven't got BBC3's budget or promotion, most people won't have heard the sublime way Trevor says "Cork it, feather-knob", Davina's letters from her boyfriend Vince, Hamish being pompous or the bald parrot's urine-drinking confessions. And they certainly won't remember the classic episode where Trevor goes on Stars in their Eyes. I can't believe I'm rhapsodizing over Pets as if it's a lost classic, but that's how fucking bad things are these days.
_{I think Ian Davidson had something to do with this as well but I'm not sure.}

11.00 Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe
Media Studies 101 with added edgy swearing.
_{Uncredited writer Nigel Buckland}

[Tokyo Sexwhale]

7.00          The Goodies

Not as good as Monty Python.

_{Mentioner: [banned troll]}

7.30              The Goodys

The ghost of Jade Goody and her surviving family perform a selection of sketches from Body Matters, FAX and whatever else Tim Brooke-Taylor was in.

_{Gurner: Davina McCall}

[CaledonianGonzo]

Daily at 3pm - Louis

Situation comedy focussing on the attempts of a guilt-wracked social worker to atone for sins past by assisting the needy and confused.  Starring Louis CK as Louis.

This week:  All Louis' best-laid plans come unstuck when a youth he has tried to help through his Outreach programme calls him a spunkbassoon for being unable to differentiate between two Northern Uproar b-sides.


2006 (Rpt).




^(Sorry!)

[Lfbarfe]

7.30              The Goodys

The ghost of Jade Goody and her surviving family perform a selection of sketches from Body Matters, FAX and whatever else Tim Brooke-Taylor was in.

_{Gurner: Davina McCall}

I can improve on this one. Kim Goody from Number 73, Bob Goody and the corpse of Jade Goody perform...

This week:  All Louis' best-laid plans come unstuck when a youth he has tried to help through his Outreach programme calls him a spunkbassoon for being unable to differentiate between two Northern Uproar b-sides.

No need to apologise. I doubt whether even Northern Uproar could differentiate, then or now.

[Nelson Swillie]

10.30pm FILM Let's Spend the Night Together
Five cadaverous chancers drag their fly-blown act around America's sports arenas. Piss awful to be honest, but a certain person will be hyperventilating whilst cuddling his Gonzo plushie and drooling down his Mighty Boosh t-shirt.
_{This film was released through fear.}