Non-comedy classics... on TV or DVD! Or whatever.

[Glebe]

Hope I'm not overdoing it here, but I thought it'd be good to have a new thread for non-comedy show spoofing mongs. I'll kick things off:



Shiver me timbers! Come join Neil Morrissey (who you may remember from not being Martin Clunes in Men Behaving Bad) on a very special odyssey, this coming Autumn season on ITV. The likely Midlands lad sticks on his 'travel shoes' and explores some of the more interesting little nooks and crannies of a poor, war-torn Central American country in Neil Morrissey's Hovercraft Expedition Around El Salvador... and oh boy, you just stop him! There's plenty of chat and laughter with the local characters, the discovery of some of the world's oldest trinkets and a refreshing pint or two down the village pub! But there are poignant moments too, as Morrissey witnesses the dilapidation of some of the country's oldest chalk cliffs, and a tear is shed when a muskrat dies during childbirth. He also climbs the world's tallest lighthouse, and joins in a jolly dance with some local children. "It's just thrilling... the adventure is sheer magic!", cheers Morrissey in one sequence involving a big water slide!

The show is also out on DVD now, price £45.99. It features a photo gallery (2 pictures), 'chapter stops' and a nice, non-animated menu... plus all six exciting episodes!:

Episode 1 - From Birmingham To Belize: As he boards the train, Morrissey takes one last longing look and sighs, before heading of to the wild 'black country' of Central America. Kendal Mint Cake is consumed, plans are drawn up and provisions are prepared. Don't forget that tent, Neil!

Episode 2 – Rebels And Rawl Plugs: Dodging insurgent bullets, Morrissey attempts to get his kit together – now where is that bloody screwdriver! Afterwards, it's time to meet local historian Miguel Starkey, who fills us in on the significance of the town's lovely water fountain over a Starbucks Frappuccino.

Episode 3 – Of Sponge Cakes And Sprained Wrists: Following a restless night, our erstwhile hero visits the local tea rooms for a poetry recital. Oliver Stone gives a particularly enervating speech at the end, but the table wine leaves a lot to be desired!

Episode 4 – A Big Splash: Morrissey packs up his belongings and prepares to move on to the next location, revving up the hovercraft to full speed! He is joined by Captain Ahab Moses, who shows him some of the more unusual sights to be found along the El Salvador coast, including a dolphin called Spigot who can sing Sweet Caroline! Where's Esther Rantzen when you need her?!

Episode 5 – Road To Nowhere: Time waits for no Neil, and so it's back in the hovercraft and off up El Salvador's notorious A1 road. On the way, Morrissey and crew run into a convoy escorting a puppet dictator, and the whole gang end up in a motorway shop enjoying a reheated pasty and a lukewarm coffee!

Episode 6 – Many Happy Returns: With most of the camera crew missing presumed dead, it's time to pack up and prepare for the long journey home. With a heavy heart, Morrissey sums up his feelings having visited some of the lesser-spotted regions of the worldlisphere. "It's been emotional, I've had an incredible adventure, but now it's time leave behind all these mysteries and wonders." Draining his glass, he hops in the hovercraft and heads off across the ocean!

[Kapuscinski]

You're not overdoing it at all, I love looking at your Photoshops and find your ideas really creative. I'd post some of my own if I was any good at Photoshop. I guess I could just do the descriptions and not the pictures.

[Jake Thingray]

Agreed, your stuff is great.

[Glebe]

Thanks... maybe I shouldn't have just done a general TV thread in the first place, though!

[Glebe]

Kicking the autumn season off in style on ITV, Dickinson's Dodgy Deals will see David Dickinson making a grand total of 100% profit of a bunch off unfortunates whose priceless antiques will be slyly dismissed as junk. Dickinson will also be on hand to cadge a few bob with his cheap junk shop crap passed off as priceless collectables. When he's not slipping his busy fingers into unsuspecting pockets, Dickinson is wrangling the auction in his favour, doing gullible fools out of a fortune. "Take off the commission, add the special Dickinson VAT, cream a bit off the top and I make a total off... fifty paaaowwnds!"

Alongside nifty fifties, there are tasty tenners, handy hundreds and crisp fivers to be snatched up by Dickinson's dishonest fingers. Watch your wallets! There's also the daily competition, in which you stand to win anywhere up to ten bob – guaranteed! Future classic moments will include Dickinson's musical porcelain cat fetching a shockingly high price from a naïve victim, Dickinson swiping a hefty wad of cash off a mindless oaf, and an extremely dodgy deal that ends with the Elgin Marbles in the boot of Dickinson's car!

As well as the usual wheeler-dealer nonsense, the show features a number of fun games intended to swell Dickinson's coffers:

Dickinson's Double Dealin': A bunch of unlucky contestants stand to lose a small fortune, in Dickinson's tricky-swindle round!

Snatch 'N' Grab Round: A group of 'Dickinsian' Oliver Twist urchins are unleashed into the auction room, to pilfer a pocket or two for Fagin Dickinson's benefit! The winner is Dickinson, who always fleeces the unlucky contestants blind! On the day, it's a bad deal!

The Snatch Y'Cash Round: Same as above, but with fewer urchins and more ferrets.

Dickinson's Pilfer's Progress: Contestants are put in a big cage, and must escape before Dickinson - in a big crane - can pilfer the wallets from their pockets from above with his winch!

The Grab-A-Grand Round: Self explanatory, really. Contestants must dash around the auction room dodging Dickinson's nimble fingers, but watch out – he's after your thousand pound notes! A 'grand' is cockney slang for a thousand pounds.

Snitch-A-Fiver: Again, self explanatory – a 'fiver', or five pound note, is placed on a pedestal in the middle of the auction room. Contestants have five seconds to retrieve it before Dickinson unleashes a volley of hot volcanic rock. Beware!

The Lovely Lolly Round: Keep those purse strings tight! Once again, sly old Dickinson is after your cash, and he'll resort to anything – even criminal violence – to snatch it from your grasp!

The Snaffle Y'Cash Round: The contestants' cash is blatantly stolen and put in a big bingo drum. Dickinson has ten minutes or so to literally hoover it all up with a vacuum cleaner. It's that simple!

DDD begins Oct 32 on ITV – catch it between 16:30 and 21:00 – on Independent TV! To promote the show, Dickinson will have his own mini-series in the Beano. His first appearance will feature a lovely baked antique left on the windowsill to cool ("Slurp!"), but Dad catches Dickinson and gives him the slippering of a lifetime! "Bah!"

[Glebe]

BBC Four is agog this season, as it prepares to screen the controversial – yet light-hearted! – Steve Morrissey's Insensitive Tour Of Asia, in which the former 'The Smith' singer shows his multicultural nous and hits the East, the Far East, the Land of the Sun, the Pakiland and others. With neither backpack nor trowel, the erstwhile cunt prepares to face the strong heat of them foreign chimes, far from his working class roots in the Greater Los Angeles Area ("Aye up, maaaan!").

The trip takes him hither and thither, sampling the delights of the Korean bodega and the tofu farms of Peng-Quen, where flightless birds are harvested for their sputum – all free-range, mind! On his journey, he discovers just how much he (surprisingly!) identifies with Kim Jong-il, and why India's starving river peasants are demonic fiends, not to be trusted. The journey ends with an onion baji, plenty of suss and a little – just a little! – mindless racist nonsense. Book now... all aboard! For the adventure of a lifetime. ON BBC FOUR!

1. The Last Of The Summer Famous International Playboys Of The Western World: With a peep and a poop, the train leaves for sodding India, and Morrissey is already feeling homesick for pint t'bitter and a fuckin' taco. Johnny Marr provides light relief by being absolutely fucking brilliant on guitar, while Stephen bemoans the loss of his once-great talent, and decent into utter fucking twattery. But there's no time for brooding... sniff sniff, you can almost smell the rice already!

2. Bengal Tiger In Platforms: From one platform to another – the train platform – to another platform, the platform shoes! Mozzassey is shocked to discover a Bengali tiger being forced to perform glam rock tricks in a pair of disco boots for naïve tourists. He stages a shitty protest, throwing his own faeces and screaming like a chimp! The little rascal.

3. Paddy Blood, Rice-Field Heart: Muz drops his priceless Seiko into a muddy rice patch, but luckily an exploitative farm owner is on hand – he forces man, woman and child to dig in the shit for Steven's watch, with no hope of supper. The timepiece retrieved, Mozza sneers at the sub-human slave species and carries merrily on his way!

4. Nagasaki Nightmare: On to Nippon, land of bizarre cartoons, giggling schoolgirls and raw fish. A surprise concert atop the Tokyo Tower goes well, until Mozzy drops a grenade on Mr. Miyagi. Oh the humanity!

5. The Year Of The Cat: Stephanie rescues a cat from a flooded Chinese river, leaving the sub-human Chinesers to drown. But he reckons without the Yin and Yang of the Zodiac, and the cat opts to tear his eyes out in a fit of cosmic justice. Back at the hostel, Mos tries to Google for bestiality porn, but is blocked by the evil Chinese firewall. Ye gads!

6. Yogi Bear: Crossing back across the sub-human-continent, our former hero realises he has been a little rash in judging the ordinary folk of the Easterlands, and decides to skin a live ox as penance. The experience leaves him strangely lustful, and he spends a restless night under the stars, with only Bear Grylls and a mystical yogi for company. Brim full of Asha indeed!

7. Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me: Back home, it's straight round to Mr. Patel at the cornershop to dish all the holiday goss! But a gang of skinheads has burned down the shop, and Mr. Patel has absconded with an ostrich. Morsey finally realises the error of his ways. This Is England? You can keep it... you white racist carnivores!



This surprisingly dreadful image captures the true nature of war, vegetarianism and the Vietnamese. But why? And how?

[Glebe]

"Greetings to the Reverie Plant, religious travellers!"

Having served half a decade on C4's Deals Or No Deals?, TV show-hosting legend Noel Edmonds clearly needed a change of pace... and he's got it with Noel's Random Box-Opening Game – coming soon to Dave! Utilising the ancient powers of skill and mathematics, a large gaggle of contestants battle it out to claim the top prize – money vouchers, worth in excess of £250! There's the option to 'Phone-A-Banker', and heartfelt moments of encouragement from the audience. On one occasion, tears flow when Noel points out that a contestant has brought in his stuffed pet stoat for good luck. And luck is what it's all about in this game... and chance! Nevertheless, Noel strives to create a sense of drama with comments like "We've never seen this kind of random tactic before", and "You clearly have a gameplan, Nigel."

Noel's trademark blue jeans and selection of flowery shirts only add to the sense of occasion and who knows, YOU could be opening the box of destiny! It could be YOU?! Or could it?! Or are they?!



A future classic scene.

[Glebe]

Based on the witterings of Jules Verne – specifically Around The World With Willy Fog - BBC Four's Clarkson & Gill's Global Trip Round The World sees car boffin Jerome Clarkson and Sunday Times telly-foodie-journo Arthur Askey Gill follow in the footsteps of Verne's erstwhile anthropomorphic bear, as they set out to see what our worldwide neighbours get up to. There are chills, spills and upsets, with burnt fillet mignon, dodgy exhaust pipes and reruns of Last Of The Summer Wine to contend with. Nevertheless, our two chummy heroes make the best of a bad blunder, and with typical British spirit, they win the day over eight classic episodes!

1. Oh, To Be In Engerland: With camera crew scrunched in back, C&G set out from TV centre, Clarkson giving a cheerful 'beep beep!' on the horn! But disaster almost strikes when Richard Hamster comes barrelling down the road at 150mph, drunk to the eyeballs. A quick 180 degree turn saves the day, but our travelling heroes accidentally reverse into Ireland, killing several cows and knocking over the Blarney Stone. Once back on track, it's off to Holland, official Land Of The Clog!

2. Hits From The Bong: The crew of the Good Ship Clarkson awake to tulip fields of yellow, as C&G make their first stop, The Netherlands. Clarkson turns a little mouse with clogs on into roadkill, but the biggest upset comes when Gill encounters 'food nemesis' Michael Winner in Amsterdam. Accidentally placed in the smoking area of the Restaurant Van Posh, Winner must endure Clarkson's grass smoke, and gives Gill a withering look that would peel the skin off a spud!

3. From 'Pizza' To 'Pisa'!: Gill is keen to sample some French cuisine, but pervy Clarkson can't wait to see those sexy Italian cars! They end up stopping at Pizza Hut and once back in the car, Clarkson derides "those bloody frogs!" Gill ignores him, a plate of foie gras in one hand and a copy of the Radio Times in the other.

4. Vorsprung durch Technik: "Achtung! Ich bin ein Auslander? Nien!" Clarkson is on his uppers as the gang pull into Berlin, having nearly run over the Griswold family at Octoberfest. There's more trouble in store at the local inn, where the lads discover James May tucking into some traditional krautian bratwurst. Gill can only turn his nose up in disgust!

5. It Ain't Half Cocked, Mum: The boys finally arrive in mystical India, but there are more upsets when a giant terrorist tries to turn the Taj Mahal into a bomb. Meanwhile, Gill breakfasts on monkey brains. A quick detour through Africa finds Gill deeply moved by the plight of the natives, but the moment is ruined when Clarkson goes "Umma-gumma!" and pretends to be "a savage".

6. Stig Trouble In Little China: Crossing into the Far East, our chums run afoul of dastardly arch-rival The Stig, who has planted a giant Acme booby trap under the Great Wall of China. The car gets squashed and ends up like a big springy concertina, like in them Warner Brothers' cartoons. They survive, with just minor bruises and contusions. But the camera crew are not so lucky, and end up singed black with their beaks on back to front.

7. Miami Twice: At last, the great ol' US of America! Yee-har, man! After enjoying a burger in LA, the 'guys' pop around the corner to New York – yeah, dude, cool! After meeting a cowboy, the pair is granted an audience with President Obama, played by Gary Wilmot. Later, Clarkson tries out a wacky electricity-driven car (fancy!), but nearly has his "ass" kicked by Jay Leno! Geez Louise!

8. Beyond The Palin: Our two travelling heroes arrive back at the BBC's Gentleman's Club at 12PM on the dot, only to find they have been beaten to the punch by The Stig – who reveals himself to be Michael Palin! Over a glass of brandy, the two plot their next adventure... a journey to the bottom of the sea, by cracky!

[jaydee81]

Your stuff is one of my favourite things on here Glebe, it frequently reduces me to hysterics. But Willy Fog! A bear! Have you lost your mind?!?!?!?!

[Glebe]

Uh... was he a tiger or something? (Thanks for the compliments, btw).

[Buchstansangur]

He is a lion, as evidenced by his lion's mane and face.

[Glebe]

Haha... okay. Duh!

[jaydee81]

He is a lion, as evidenced by his lion's mane and face.

This made me crack up. How often do you get to be patronisingly droll when someone isn't aware what kind of animal Willy Fog was? Not often, but you pulled it off with aplomb.

[Glebe]

Through the wonders of modern 'CGI' and speech sampling technology, plain-speaking down-to-earth bloke joker Bernard Manning lives again, in fast-moving game show Bernard Manning's Punter Shunter, coming soon to ITV4. The fun never stops at Bernard's music-hall-cum-working- men's-club, where Husband and wife 'punters' must answer questions and compete against the clock, or risk being 'shunted' into a giant bear trap. Amid the carnage there are extremely offensive old-hat jokes about Pakistani mother-in-laws, but there will be fun moments too, with crude comi-musical moments courtesy of Banjo The Clown. Epileptics beware... the crotch shots are pretty speedy!

"A darkly comic and compellingly broody new series... Manning has never been bolder"... SFX Magazine.

The complete first series will soon be available on DVD on the classy Wheeltappers Video label. Extras include:

* The faint smell of burnt sausages

* 'Behind The Shuntings' featurette

* 'Mind Your Mannings!' – rude outtakes from the Digi-Manning!

* Commentary with Joss Whedon

* 'Too Rude For TV!' – additional scenes and choppings

* A free sombrero with 'Wigan' embroidered on the front

[Glebe]

Due to appear on ITV6 but pulled at the last minute, David Dickinson' Cheap As Chipolatas has now also has been deleted on DVD before its even been released. Taste and decency have prevailed... but why? And more poignantly, who?

"Moribund"... Harold Pinter.

[Glebe]

Ho ho! Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the Liver Building, the master of the thumbs-n-waistcoat combo is back! Yes, Jimmy Tarbuck makes a welcome return to our screens in Tarby's Chip Butties, exclusive to SYFY! TCB sees Tarby go all Nigella, whipping out the budget-brand bread, cheapo family-size bag of chips and lotsa crap-brand sauce! Et voila! There's plenty of scoffing in this lot! With 'a little help from his friends' – including Ringo, Brucie and Des O' Connor – the whole series should prove to be a real jamboree of joy and a real shot in the arm for the tired reality TV genre. The DVD release will contain a number of notable special features, including:

* Cilla Black's erotic Dance of the Seven Chip Pans

* Additional cobweb-coated Brucie gags

* 'Excerpts From A Golf Tournament' featurette, including optional commentary from Ernie Els

* Discarded salt and vinegar animatic

* Des O' Connor interview with Des O' Connor

* Special 'Ringo's Fan Mail' section

* 'Upskirt' footage featuring Liza Tarbuck

[Glebe]

'Celebrity ancestors' show Who Do You Think You Are? has been a ratings winner for the BBC for some years now, so it was only a matter of time before someone else came up with a bargain-bin version. So keep your peepers peeled for Living TV's Who Are You?, coming soon this November season on Living TV – exclusive to Living TV! With The Who's Who Are You? for a theme song, WAY, follows pretty much the same format as it's Beeb 'ancestor', except that instead of being flown around the world first class the celebs have to make do with taking ferries and Ryanair flights – but hey, it's a crazy rough and tumble journey! This ten-episode first series boasts a real cornucopia of celebrity relative-chasers, so let's take a wee preview peek, shall we?

1. David Dickinson: David has already done Who Do You Think You Are?, which took him to Turkey in search of his ancestors. This time, however, he discovers that his great-great-great grandfather was a lovely, ornate teal grandfather clock by the name of Robert Dazzler. By the end of the show he is starring out wistfully over the Humbershires, pondering on the true meaning of family and antiques.

2. The Chuckle Brothers: Barry and Paul Chuckle have been bringing a warm, cheerful glow to our cheeks now for many a year, and so it's a delightful surprise to discover the rather regal linage these two cheeky chappies boast! The boys trace their ancestors back to Lord Chucklington of Chuckston, and take the number 52 bus (courtesy of Living) to visit the grounds of Chuckle House. Here, they are united with Uncle Smyth-Chucks, who looks suspiciously like Barry with a monocle doing a posh accent and never actually appears in the same shot as our Barry. Additionally, they discover paintings of Lord And Lady Chuckle on the wall, which oddly look like a modern artist has done caricatures of Barry and Paul with wigs on. Slapstick bumblings then ensue, and the episode ends with the lads breaking a priceless vase and making a run for it!

3. Janet Street-Porter: Toothy media hag Janet discovers that her mother was born on Janet Street, London, and that her great-great-father was indeed a porter!

4. James Corden: Fat idiot Corden takes a trip to a creepy Roman Cemetery, where he discovers Jackal bones in an ancestors grave, before David Warner rather brilliantly gets his head sliced off with a plate of glass. More digging leads to a bunker in Germany... you have been warned.

5. Kerry Katona: Previously-sort-of-well-known Z-list chip shop slapper Kerry makes a surprise discovery when she finds that her great-great grandmother fled the country to marry a Nordic fisherman named Björn Katonanssen. Great-great grandmum's gone to Iceland, indeed! The episode ends in tears for poor Kerry, as she discovers that her great-grandgummie-twice-bereaved died in a workhouse owned by the popular frozen food supermarket chain she advertised.

6. Jeremy Kyle: With tinkley sort-of medieval background folk music bubbling away on the soundtrack, Jeremy drives up to Hackney DNA labs, where scientists have traced his roots right back to primordial slime – a mere couple of generations ago! Emotions run high as Jemery arrives on the doorstep of his long-lost great uncle Chavston, who slithers out onto the porch like something out of Lovecraft's nightmares.

7. Harry Hill: Bald funnyman Harry traces both sides of his family way, way back, discovering that both sides boasted some incredibly likeable folk, so much so that its almost impossible to decide which side of the family is better. "There's only one way to find out", pipes Harry, "FIIIIIGGGHHHTTTT! See you after the break!"

8. Germaine Greer: Noted feminist Germaine visits the Royal Library of Feminism, where she discovers that her Great-Great Aunty Bunting led Australia's first ever bra-burning, the great Tit-Hammock Roast of 1821. More shocks are in store when she discover that her Grand-Great Uncle Barry Didcocks was a transsexual lezzie who enjoyed a nice figgin' of a Thursday!

9. Tinky-Winky: 'Erstwhile' Teletubbie Tinky discovers some dark hidden family secrets on his personal odyssey. It transpires that his great-grand Tubbie was actually a lesser-known womble called Borneo, who's extreme sexual practices we cannot go into here. There's more heartache when Tinky finds a genetic link with The Fimbles, leading one to speculate as to what bizarre mating rituals have been indulged by the Winky line. The episode almost ends in tears, until Tinky spots a lovely new handbag and indulges in some retail therapy, before dancing mindlessly up a green hill muttering inane, childish babble.

10. Gregg Wallace: Masterchef Londoner Gregg makes some delicious discoveries on his journey through a fruit-laden family tree! It turns out that his great-grandfather was Fruitletier in Chief to the Royal Costermongers, and regularly covered himself in a delicate fromage jus. "That is lovely", grins Gregg, taking a sample of the ancestral registry books, "I could eat that all day!" Things aren't so great on the other side of the family, but Gregg is even-handed about matters. "My great-great-great grandmother was a little overdone, and the sauce is burned", he says, "BUT... that is a lovely soufflé!"