Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 29, 2024, 02:03:21 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Newly-discovered Norman Wisdom classics.

Started by Glebe, November 16, 2010, 10:45:54 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Glebe

To mark the recent passing of clown legend Sir Norman Wisdom, the BFI have discovered some lost classics. Feel free to add your own.



What's Grand For The Gander (AKA What's Sauce For The Gander; German Title: Vot Iz Grist Vor Der Gunther)

Dir: Michael Powell. Starring: Norman Wizdom (sic), Betty Buxom, Mr. Grimsdale, Angry Boss With Big Nose, Dirk Bogart. 168m (Director's Cut), 1970.


Found loitering at the back of the BFI coal shed, this recently-uncovered, previously-lost classic was Norman Wisdom's last starring role before his first death. About to retire to a life of woolly cardigans and tawdry masturbation, Wisdom was called back into service at the beckoning of one Tommy Nebbins, whose racy script at first appalled the great comic. However, with a five shilling fee up for grabs, he soon changed his mind, and was soon down at Frigid-On-Sea for the film's famously fraught three-day shoot, which made Heart Of Darkness: A Filmmaker's Apocalypse seem like a daydream!

Wisdom plays Norm Pipkin, a lowly milkman who falls out with his boss Mr. Gleatdale and decides to set up his own tour bus company. Initially Pipkins intentions are quiet pure, with dreams of building up a small holiday trip empire, but a steady procession of saucy dolly birds soon corrupt our Norm, and the bus windows are soon steaming up with all sorts of promiscuous goings-on! The movie's swingin' soundtrack includes the likes of Jodie Kidd & The Pirates' Shakin' All Over, Cliff Richard's Bachelor Boy and Black Sabbath's Children Of The Grave. Watch out for a young Richard Briers as 'Second Naughty Lad From Left'.

Glebe



Milkman In Store

Dir: Lucio Fulci. Starring Norm Wisdom, Big Jenny, Nosy Desmond, Gleaty... and introducing The Lavender Hill Trumpet Choir! 86m, 1960.


"It made me weep like a baby seal..." – Derek Malcolm, The Pipford Times.

Freshly dug out of the BFI Lost And Found Bin, Milkman In Store was made at the height of Norman Wisdom's dizzy spell, with big production values, a light sprinkling of gumption and plenty of gusto. Wisdom plays Norm Pippin, 'store milkman' at Guffrey's Modern Department Store. Norm's supervisor Mr. Grimsby is forever trying to keep the befuddled twit out from under the big nose of Sir Guffrey, but a stolen diamond and a beautiful dame soon lead to frantic capers galore!

With the local orphanage under threat of closure, there's plenty of tugging at the heartstrings, and a wonderful surprise moment of drama when our Norm turns on the toffs at the glitzy ball; "Go on! The lot of yah! Laugh! Laugh at the clown! But just remember dem poor orphans!"

The film proved at hit, taking in a shilling and six in its three weeks of release and earning Wisdom The Local Evening Pipkin Best Drama Award. It's also worth noting that the lovable bumbler insisted on doing all his own stunts, including getting thrown out of a 35th floor window and being set on fire, resulting in sixth degree burns. "I'd like to say it was no skin off his nose", says film producer Geoffrey Cuntbastard, "but Norm's entire face was melted and he had to have it replaced with skin from his scrotum."

Glebe



Bobby On The Beat (AKA The Long Arse Of The Law)

Dir: Terrence Malick. Starring Our Man Wisdom, Nellie Betty, Davey Lodgement, Edward Chapman-Baxter and introducing Phillip Daniels as Timothy Modkins. 89m, 1965.


It took BFI staff three months of intensive JCB work to dig this latest newly-discovered Wisdom classic out of the British Film archive, but it was well worth it. "I am delighted to hear of this new discovery", commented the disembodied soul of Norman, yesterday. "Of course I had already done a film with a very similar title and theme a few years earlier, which was probably why this was forgotten about for so long. That and the fact it's absolutely shit."

Wisdom stars as Bobby Pitkin, a young London police recruit – oh, Scotland Yard, baton down the hatches! Under the stewardship of constable Grimreaps, Pitkin is subjected to all kinds of mishap-causing trials, not least the now-famous truncheon-practice routine, were Pitkin gets his truncheon stuck in a swinging dummy sack, the silly fool! Sergeant Grumpsted will not be pleased!

A young Phil Daniels appears as Pitkin's misunderstood urchin nephew, and there's plenty of mayhem besides, including a surprising scene in which Pitkin's path is blocked by a giant, unexplained arse. Newly restored, BOTB is due a re-release shortly, with a royal premier at London's world-famous Odeon Omniplex in the works. It is hoped the late Wisdom may attend, and might perhaps watch from the back in the form of a supernatural gas of some kind.

Glebe



"So good, that from now on the word 'classic' should be replaced by 'glessick'" –
Derek Malcolm, Buy & Sell

High Dudgeon!

Dir: Michael Haneke. Starring Norman Wispip, Tommie Steel, Sir Geoffrey Jessop, Mr. Jimsdale, Diana Queen of Dors, that lot. 68m, 1964.


"When I heard that they'd discovered yet another 'forgotten' classic in the BFI archives, you could have knocked me over with a feather", says Tommy Steele, who appears in newly-found Wisdom treasure High Dudgeon! Having been dragged out of the BFI cellar by sharp-eyed film historian Douglas Cleggs and given a special 'restoration' dust-down by BFI cleaning lady Doris, the film is ready to be remastered for a whole new generation. "It truly is the Metropolis of lost Wisdom classics" says Cleggs, yesterday.

Around the early sixties, Wisdom's film bosses began to fear that Norman might soon start to become 'unhip', so they conjured up a cool, 'Daddy-O!' of a script and added a little Tommy Steele for good measure. Norman plays Norm Pitkin (again), the downtrodden milkman/window cleaner/shop assistant of Lord Dudgeon, who's Dudgeon Department Stores are the tops of the town. Enter young teddy boy Timmy Pelvis (Steele), who tries to jazz up proceedings by swapping Dudgeon's woodbines for reefers! Dudgeon goes bananas and turns into a beatnik, learning the bongos and reading Allan Ginsberg. But who gets the blame? "PIIITKIIN?!" Oh, mercy!

Norman keeps up the pace, performing death defying stunts (including being strapped to an ambulance going at 200MPH) and doing back flips to beat the band, but there are tender moments too; Pitkin finds time to serenade Diana Dors with the classic 'Don't Laugh At Me Because I'm Funny', just in time before someone conveniently interrupts to move the plot along.

Young Tommy Steele was keen to learn from the master. "Norman said to me, he said, 'Tommy, y'godda razzle-dazzle 'em'. He taught me the value of a bit of gumption. You get out there, bang, bang, bang, knock 'em dead! You godda really put on a show, from pip to post and back again!" Tommy will be signing special edition low-res 480i HD-DVD copies of High Dudgeon! at your local branch of Morrisons, from Land's End to John 'O Groats. Check press for details.

Serge

Marvellous stuff. I actually cried with laughter at 'Michael Haneke'.

Glebe

Hehe... thanks Serge!



Bet On Your Nellie!

Dir: Todd Solondz. Starring: Norma Jean Nellington, Hoarse Ofcourse, Phillip Leslies, Norris, Big Jack McSangers, Li'l Sue... and introducing Horace The Hippo! 40-45min? 1959.


Just when you thought it was safe to assume there were no more Wisdom classics, yet another vintage gem comes out of the closet, so to speak. Bet On Your Nellie! was uncovered by BFI caretaker Charlie Quick (played by Clive Dunn). Charlie takes up the story:

"I was clearing out the BFI attic, throwing out some previously-thought-wiped Doctor Who episodes, when I came across a canister marked 'Metropolis – the missing piece of the puzzle'. Underneath that I discovered this latest Wisdom classic – praise be!"

BFI head Benny Biffington was thrilled. Licking his lips suggestively, he said "I was highly aroused by this new discovery. It certainly gave me a chill right down my groin", he continued, undoing his top button to reveal his full, ample breasts. Meanwhile, Oxford film historian Prof. J.R.R. Histrionics was flabbergusted. "I'd like to take this opportunity to ask Norman's family to forgive me for the horrendous tirade I unleashed on him in my lecture 'Why I hate that Wisdom'. This fantastic film reinvigorates my belief in the classic clown. Hallelujah!"

BOYN! (as it's known to some) sees Norman star as Norm Nellikins, a down-on-his-luck milk bottle cleaner who stumbles upon former racing nag Nellie at the glue factory. With just one leg, the poor old mare is ready for the knacker's yard, but our Norman saves him from the Bostik vat with a bit of nous and a tu'penny piece! Encouraged by kindly old grumpster Mr. Nellsdales, Norm takes up jockey racing, with old Nellie as his trusty stead. Next stop Ascot, but can they make it? Neeeeeiiigghhh! Still, there's plenty of laughs along the way, with Norman in nitrous fits at the dentist, speeded-up racing sequences and plenty of fluster. The infamous 'horse shunting' sequence has, however, been removed, following complaints from animal rights groups.

The film has its critics, but there are also some surprising fans. Narrow-minded reactionary Barry Norman said "It's light on sleaze and has good production values, and would be a classic if it was in French. And why not?" It would seem like another light and breezy piece of fluff to add to the Wisdom legacy; however, former film set worker Ghandi Wallace adds a sour, sinister note to finish on. "Norman was basically a good bloke – after filming he would always take me over the road, and it was 'cod and chips, twice!' But the kind of things he – and other beloved stars of yesteryear, including Eric Morecambe, Ronnie Barker, Ricky Gervais and Fanny Craddock – got up to in their trailers on set would turn your stomach. Forget Hollywood, these guys were superfreaks! But will I ever reveal these dark secrets? Not on your Nellie!"

Glebe



This Island Lark!

Dir: Robert Zombie Snr. Starring Norm Wizbit, Mister Manxdales, Sir Jess, Davey Boy Lodger, Missus Albany and a cast of seagulls. 168m, 19??


When BFI 'Head of Lost Classics' Sir George Periwig III heard of this latest (and hopefully last) Wisdom find, he was rather doubtful. "Folderol! A mere fancy!" he proclaimed, stamping his cane on the floor. On viewing the newly found reel, he was at first less than impressed – "Pah! A mere trifle", he scoffed. However, after due consideration, he reversed his opinion. "Tis a triumph of the modern age!" he bellowed, adjusting his powdered wig. He immediately ordered it to be sent by carriage to the nearest refurbishment lab, there to be restored to its former magnificence with not a shilling spared!

"It's quite simply the most moving piece of shit I've ever sniffed", claims Cambford University prof Sir Boyston Crasspunks. "You could have knocked me over with a feather duster or something. I only wish Norman where here to see it anew, he'd probably be delighted. "I am delighted!" – thus spake Norman from beyond the ethereal veil. "If I could come back in solid form, I'd be clicking me heels and acting all queer!" he whispered spookily at a séance, yesterday.

This Island Lark! is indeed one of the oddest additions to the Wisdom canon. Bizarrely based on sci-fi classic This Island Earth, it was filmed on Wisdom's new found home, the Isle of Man. Norm plays Norman Pipkins, clumsy postman to Lord Manxmonds of Manxpips Castle. Lord Manxmonds wants to sell the island off to heartless developers, but with the aid of kindly Mr. Grimsnails and a lovely island girl (played by Wisdom's wife at the time, Miss Albania) he manages to convince the grumpy old goat to stick his big nose elsewhere! The gangs all here, with even old favourite Lodgy as the cranky butler!

Set worker Norris Shitfucks remembers the shoot well. "Big nose boss Jessmonds stayed in character the whole time, he always pushed Norman around. On one occasion he set Norm on fire. The whole crew just laughed! But off set, he was the nicest man in the world." Meanwhile, Wisdom developed a yearning fondness for his new found home. "You could see it in his eyes, he was there to stay", says camera assistant Pissy Cruikshanks. "After a week's filming, that was it. He was as Manxian as a Bee-Gee! You couldn't keep him away from the seagulls, the saucy git!"

Aside from the more obvious pratfalls, TIL! is noted for its more surreal, Daliesque moments, such as when Norman floats ominously above the Manx shores to the strains of Prokofiev's Dance Of The Knights. However the film ends on a bright and cheery note, with Norman fathering a series of creepy animal puppets. Though critic Alexander Walker apparently fell asleep with joyous shock on viewing, the movie was not a success on its initial release, except in Albania where it remains the number one box office draw of all time, above Avatar and Big Momma's House 2.