VERBWHORE XMAS STORY 2010! (21 Words)

[Cerys]

'It's beginning to look a lot like Memebridge
Scarpering away
And we're all going to chase him
With this great big

[Ginyard]

                            screen display
He's cuddly but quite stupid
With his white suits and his bling
But the villagers all love him
And together we all sing

oooOOOOOAAAAAAAAaaaaaggghhh......


How much fanta does your nanny drink?
Memebridge
Memebridge
Why's your arse ring black but your bumhole pink?
Memebridge
Memebridge

[Jemble Fred]

We'll put icecubes down your panties so your gonads shrink,
Kick your nipples as our glasses clink,
We're more handy than we think you think,
MEMEBRIDGE!"

It was a horrific noise, to be sure, to be sure. The cowardly Mayor wept tears

[dr_christian_troy]

from his ears, and slumped in front of the study door, as the dwarves tried to push their way in.

'...Psst!'

'Wha-?'

Crouched behind a plastic Exmas tree, a masked man in bright red appeared, sword in hand.

'I'm the Crimbo Ninja!'

[Emma Raducanu]

And just as the dwarves forced their way, Memebridge and the ninja disappeared through a mouse hole in the skirting board

[the midnight watch baboon]

, somewhat ruining the gloryhole rodent porn being shot by Squeak Digbone and his diminutive crew of mini-mammals.

"Don't mind us!", shrieked Memebridge

[Jemble Fred]

. And so they didn't.

"By the way," asked Memebridge, once he and the strange figure had got their breath back, "You're not really a ninja, are you?"

"Nah," said Gregg, removing his costume, "It's just a disguise I put on to seduce thick underage girls who seem to find Ninjas in some way interesting. I do the same with a pirate costume too, you'd be surprised how much easy 'lolrandom' jailbait there is out there. But, y'know, don't tell anyone or I'll fucking

[Ginyard]

dress you up like a pink fairy and make you dance for sailors.



20 minutes later Memebridge was adjusting his wings

[Cerys]

and wondering why this type of thing always seemed to happen to him.  It was as though, he thought, his life

was being - and there the thought tailed off, as a vaseline-over-the-lens effect kicked in and we returned to what I was

[Emma Raducanu]

doing - Inhaling a fat spliff surrounded by a dozen naked dwarves high as a kite - Spiddlyspum joked that christmas was cancelled

[Cerys]

because everyone in the world had been naughty, not nice, so we threw him on the fire and stood around singing

rousing choruses from our favourite Bond films, warming our hands in the glow from his bubbling fat.  After a while he

[Emma Raducanu]

began to smell like cinnamon. So we petered out the fire and used his ashes to make a Christmas cake, which

[Cerys]

, in retrospect, was a bloody stupid thing to do.  Everyone knows that dwarves work best as a big fat Xmas pudding.

[sirhenry]

But any fule knows Xmas puddings need to be made months in advance and their time machine had been stolen by

[Emma Raducanu]

the narrator of another Christmas story. The Dwarves danced round the pudding, forks in hand, while Memebridge did a giant shit

[Jemble Fred]

-stained dance-of-the-seventy-veils, to nobody.

I was painfully aware that nothing in the form of an event had yet taken place. Mook

Spoiler alert

Judging by last year's story, we're about 2/3 of the way through! More than three pages and Apex will go mental...

[close]

[/sub]

[Ginyard]

rode in on his stalion spaniel, his foreskin slung cavalierly round his neck, his purple dress hitched up to his knackers.  "You look like you can bare knuckle fight. ENLISTED!" he shouted at me. At least I think it was me, difficult to tell because his eyes were darting around the room following the rubberised apple bake he'd just thrown at everyone's head.

"Enlisted for what?" I cried

[Jemble Fred]

pathetically.

"To help me make THE BIGGEST CHRISTMAS PUDDING EVER TASTED BY BITCH!" he crowed, "That way nobody can ignore Christmas

[Ginyard]

this year. Eggs for breakfast! Eggs for lunch! and EGGS FOR FUCKING SUPPER!!".

The sound of a giant gong resonated

[Jemble Fred]

, struck by a woman who would have been played by the great Elizabeth Spriggs if she was still alive, but as she wasn't, this woman played herself. Sod her, anyway.

Whichever dwarves maintained enough sobriety to stand dragged in an almighty wok the size of a huge one, and into the wok the foodie titan threw currants, sugar, unmulled wine, teeth, brown things,

[Emma Raducanu]

his favourite spaniel (by accident and without noticing), soft boiled eggs and some allspice and began stirring using his left leg

[Cerys]

to pick his nose while he did so.  The picking went well, as did the licking and rolling.  The flicking, however,

[Jemble Fred]

was less than successful, but it was all good grist to the mill, Mook reflected, as it plopped into the voluminous plum duff mix.

"Only fools believe that it takes time to make a Xmas pudding!" he chortled, "Especially when you have what I have! For no mere pootling sixpence could be enough for a Mook pudding! I, the inventor of the egg in a fucking chip? The man who dared to mix baby partridge with truffle ravioli and caramel and live to abuse folk another day? No, for a Mook Xmas pudding that will set the whole of Tits-Titsford ablaze, we must have a

[Cerys]

puppy as large as a bear!'

'Nah, you can't get them no more,' Fustyplunk the dwarf told him, sorrowfully.  'Some bastard

[Cerys]

nabbed off with them.  Says riding them around helps him shit or some such bollocks.'

  Mook pondered this awhile before deciding

[Jemble Fred]

that the best ingredient for his special pudding would of course be himself, so he leapt in the wok and began to bathe in the figgy mixture, before valiantly steaming himself in a gigantic copper.

When the pudding was turned out, the

[Cerys]

spaniel ate the lot.  The dwarves were somewhat relieved.  They hated sucking plums.

  Meanwhile, Santa was putting the finishing touches to

[Jemble Fred]

his own well-deserved demise. He put the barrel of his old service revolver to his brandy-bedewed beard and pulled the trigger.

[Cerys]

Sadly, since he had neglected to load the weapon, the only result was an ineffectiual 'click' and a premature soiling of

the underpants.

  'Bugger', said Santa, and reached for another mince pie.  Behind him, the elves sniggered.  Overhead the Northern Lights cavorted sinuously, causing

[Emma Raducanu]

the dwarves to get all horny. Fustyplunk let Spiddlyspum tickle his balls for a while before getting bored and climbing a tree