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1001 films that are NOT worth watching

Started by Depressed Beyond Tables, December 15, 2010, 05:28:51 AM

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Depressed Beyond Tables

Now I like tornadoes but Twister (1996) is the biggest pile of buffalo shit I've encountered since, possibly, Coyote Ugly (2000). It brings nothing to the table and, worst of all, substitutes potentially mind blowing (blowing, eh?) visual scenes for sub Sega Saturn CGI cartoons. Combine with this a predictably 1.5 dimensional love plot, which I can only imagine is aimed at all the southern yokel sister-fucking weatherologists who have missed every previous basic film sensibility, and you have a dross shitcake of a film. Seriously, don't bother wathing this crap. If you like tornadoes, look elsewhere.

Film summation:

"You wanna put yer winky in me, Sir???"
"I gotta go chase the bad cloud, Missy"

uncle_rico

"sub Sega Saturn CGI cartoons" were all the rage in 1996.

I didn't mind it when it came out. I recently watched the Nostalgia Critic review of it, and it details so much of the plot and has so many clips, that it was enough to refresh my memory - so no need to rewatch.

Same with Drop Dead Fred. A 90 minute movie condensed into 20. Handy for those who have too much to watch anyway.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

Twister has some great set pieces as well as funny b-movie moments. I struggle to understand why anyone would hate it enough to pick it out as being exceptionally bad. At it's worst it's a reasonably diverting and suspenseful 90s action film. The romantic subplot is a sort of irrelevance because everyone in the entire universe wants to fuck Helen Hunt so having her in the movie automatically makes you root whoever she's with over anyone else.

The remake of Assault On Precinct 13 with Ethan Hawke and Laurence Fishburne is the very definition of a film that is not worth watching. Its entire existence is utterly pointless. Not because it copies the orginal particularly, but because it's so non-descript, so unengaging and so half-assed there's no point giving anything back, including your time.

I agree about Twister. There's something uninvolving about it.

I nominate Firehouse Dog(2007), which I saw at the weekend with my daughter.
It seems mean to have a pop at such an unpretentious, unambitious family film, but usually a film like this will have at least one great line, or great performance, or jaw-dropping setpiece, and this didn't have any.


Serge

Yeah, I remember seeing the trailer for 'Twister' and getting quite excited, especially as I'd loved 'Speed'. But when I saw the film, I realised that the whole trailer was taken from the first five minutes - which are pretty good - and that the rest of it was utter swill. I should have guessed - it has Cary Elwes in. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that Elwes is a nice man and a wonderful human being, but if he's in a movie, avoid it like the plague.[nb]The exception being 'Shadow Of The Vampire', which manages to overcome the handicap of having both him and Eddie Izzard in it.[/nb]

So my first nomination would be 'Kiss The Girls', which features Elwes as a nice guy cop WHO TURNS OUT TO BE THE SERIAL KILLER. Now, usually, I hate spoilers, but in this case, I feel I should ruin the film straight away, just in case you're tempted to watch it at all. I've not read the James Patterson book upon which it was based, so many of the faults might stem from there. I vaguely remember that one major subplot which is flagged on the book's blurb, about two competing serial killers keeping in touch via the web (an extremely novel idea, especially in the mid-nineties), is basically pissed away in the film.

It stars Morgan Freeman, who was obviously cast on the back of 'Se7en', a film which gave the serial killer movie genre a much-needed jolt a couple of years previously. Sadly, 'Kiss The Girls' might as well be holding a pillow over the face of the genre, with every cliche in the book - the feisty heroine, the last-minute showdown with the serial killer, the nice-guy cop WHO TURNS OUT TO BE THE SERIAL KILLER, etc, etc - present and correct. It also has one of thee most ludicrous moments I've ever seen in a film - when they track Elwes down to his lair, the showdown takes place in a room which he has managed to fill with gas, meaning that Freeman can't shoot him without the sparks from the gun causing an explosion that will kill them all. How does Freeman get around this? He pokes a hole in a handy carton of milk and fires the gun from inside it. Whaaa-?

For all I know, this might actually be possible. But it was just a bit of silliness too far for me. The only good thing I remember about seeing it was that the cinema I saw it in had extremely comfortable seats - I almost wish I'd just curled up and gone to sleep instead of watching the movie.

And did I mention that the serial killer was the nice-guy cop played by Cary Elwes?

the midnight watch baboon

Its sequel -Along Came A Spider- was much better than KTG, if you could go with the whole
Spoiler alert
teacher turns out to be a kidnapper who's been wearing a rubber mask all year to conceal his real face
[close]
schtick.

SavageHedgehog

It always turns out to be the moderately well known character acrtor.

Seeing as we're talking about films spawned by Se7en's success I'll mention Se7en scribe Andrew Kevin Walker's[nb]Prior to Se7en he wrote the also awful Hideaway and the fun campy horror Brainscan[/nb] follow up 8MM. The story had a lot of potential, and the first half or so isn't bad, but it degenrates into the worst sort of cliched rubbish when the pantomime villain ("Dino Velvet"?) comes in. Now I like pantomime villains, but there's a time and place for them and a film which is supposed to be a shocking expose of undeground cultures isn't one of them. Check out Paul Schrader's Hardcore isntead, which is flawed but considerably better


SavageHedgehog

If we're talking about all films he's appeared in there might be a couple worth sparing. But if we're only talking about films where he's the lead or co-star than yes.

Detective John Kimble

Outlaw.  Made by Nick Love, starring Danny Dyer, and...god.  Me and a good friend saw the Football Factory - really rubbish film, but some parts of it were stupid enough (or so stereotypically "east end thugs having a fight") that it was easy to laugh at 'cause it was so dire.  There's plenty of fun to be had with Jamie Foreman in a small role playing a racist cabbie going on and on at a bemused John Junkin and the old bloke from Lovejoy who both think he's a wanker.  The same went for The Business, which was even worse - it felt like a music video, with "Welcome to the Pleasuredome" blaring out amidst snatches of some nonsense plot about coke smuggling in the 80's, and the crew going around headbutting people or swearing at oblivious foreign locals.  They both have pretty much the same ending too - Danny Dyer narrating, saying "Was it all worth it?  COURSE IT FACKING WAS!" - hilarious stuff.  We watched Outlaw expecting much the same thing - a terrible, stupid movie, but plenty of fun.

But this film...it was beyond awful for different reasons - and it certainly wasn't funny.  It wasn't the same sort of knockabout entertainment with liberal use of swearing - it was their serious film, all shot with handheld cameras and about "the state of Britain" and all that (a bunch of people rise up and wash various shades of scum off the streets through violence), and it's one of the worst films I've ever seen.  It had lines like this: 

"Get Aids or jump on a bus with a rucksack full of explosives, the government will dish you out a free car these days."

Something like that...what does that even mean?  If someone goes onto with a bus with a rucksack full of explosives (and presumably detonates it), how does the government give them a free car?  Do they dump the keys to a Ford Ka in the bucket that's full of their innards?  That might be the single worst line I've ever heard in any movie.  And that line came from the mouth of none other than Sean Bean - instead of the usual motley crue of amusing east end thug character actors Love often uses (Foreman, Frank Harper, Tamer Hassan etc.) they managed to convince guys like Bean and Bob Hoskins to sign up and give really bad performances - I kind of pity them, as they probably felt it wasn't worth trying to get anything out of the script - a whole load of nothing where every character is entirely one-dimensional and possesses absolutely no nuance or subtlety whatsoever - every single line in this movie is a total clunker, much the same as the one above..  But above all, the movie's just very disagreeable - although the group mainly goes after hoodie-wearing youths, criminals and corrupt bobbies, it still feels like it'd only need a little rejigging to make it an advert for the English Defence League.  The premise for the movie sounded like the sort of brainless, really bad but fun stuff that Love usually goes in for - mock-inspiring speeches, scenes nicked from better movies, heaps of one-liners and camera effects over a Primal Scream soundtrack, but the movie being 100% deadly serious made it a hundred times worse than that, and incredibly unpleasant. 

Depressed Beyond Tables

It's actually quite tough to remember all the forgettably bad films you've seen.

gmoney

Cop

Starring James Woods. Adapted from the distinctly average James Ellroy novel Blood On The Moon about a serial killer, this version strips away anything interesting from the novel including the villain's motive. What it does contain is James Woods sneaking about a lot looking constipated. I can't remember if there's a cheesy badge tossing scene, but there probably is.

Quote from: gmoney on December 15, 2010, 03:43:46 PM
Cop

Starring James Woods. Adapted from the distinctly average James Ellroy novel Blood On The Moon about a serial killer, this version strips away anything interesting from the novel including the villain's motive. What it does contain is James Woods sneaking about a lot looking constipated. I can't remember if there's a cheesy badge tossing scene, but there probably is.

I seem to remember a very sleazy kitchen sex scene with the Woods arse much in evidence.

Depressed Beyond Tables

RoboCop 3 made a mockery of the franchise.

Ignatius_S

Violent Shit 2 - I haven't seen the first so don't know how it compares, but this was just terrible.

Quote from: gmoney on December 15, 2010, 03:43:46 PM
Cop

Starring James Woods. Adapted from the distinctly average James Ellroy novel Blood On The Moon about a serial killer, this version strips away anything interesting from the novel including the villain's motive. What it does contain is James Woods sneaking about a lot looking constipated. I can't remember if there's a cheesy badge tossing scene, but there probably is.
Personally, I would say Woods carries the film and his final line is rather nice.

Famous Mortimer

Quote from: Serge on December 15, 2010, 01:30:14 PM
It also has one of thee most ludicrous moments I've ever seen in a film - when they track Elwes down to his lair, the showdown takes place in a room which he has managed to fill with gas, meaning that Freeman can't shoot him without the sparks from the gun causing an explosion that will kill them all. How does Freeman get around this? He pokes a hole in a handy carton of milk and fires the gun from inside it. Whaaa-?

For all I know, this might actually be possible.
More unnecessary than possible. "Mythbusters" devoted a bit of a recent episode to this, and discovered that the sort of gas they use in domestic stuff has such a high ignition point that the muzzle flash from even a gigantic gun isn't enough to set it alight.

Seeing mention of Outlaw makes me want to post the clip from the DVD commentary again, but just go to Youtube and look for it. It's hilarious.

Orgy of the Dead
Ed Wood Jr. wrote this film (but didn't direct). A couple crash their car somewhere, a load of half-naked women dance in front of them in the most unerotic way possible, 80 minutes or so later the film grinds to a halt. That's literally all there is.

Doomy Dwyer

It was so poor that I've forgotten most of what I hated about the film, but 'The Baader Meinhof Complex' was a deplorable bucket of piss from start to finish. Actually, I think the start showed promise with a nicely handled riot scene, but the rest was an atrocity. I'm a big fan of hopelessly naive terrorist groups like the RAF, the SLA and the WUO, as well being very fond of acronyms, abbreviations and initalisations, so this film should really have been tailor made for the likes of me. Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be a monumental heap of steaming shite.

Mind you, the lady who plays Gudrun Ensslin has beautiful eyes[nb]And for the tit fans among you, she does oblige. But I'm deeper than that. It's the eyes that captured my heart[nb]Don't get me wrong though. They're as fine a pair of tits as ever I've seen.[/nb][/nb]

Depressed Beyond Tables

Drumline 2002

This is what I call a "the best" film, where a main character is recognised by his/her peers as being "the best" despite arbitrary personal issues.

Prodigious young drummer, Devon, earns a scholarship to University where he shows himself to be clearly "the best" around, at times even up staging his so called superiors. Turns out Devon never learned to read music but has got by so far on his innate talent for learning pieces by ear. Where as the Karate Kid had the decency to at least start of with Daniel being rubbish, this film has no time for such intricate plot developments. Devon goes through the film with a general air of superiority and lack of respect for the somewhat strict band rules. This causes a rift between him and his band leaders. At one point Devon improvises a snare solo in competition, ignoring the rehearsed routine. This complete disregard for authority is despised and yet also revered by his band leader, conflicted over the rapturous response from the crowd and judges. Devon matures a bit. Devon gains respect and success.

This film is a complete waste of time.



Ginyard

The Number 23  -  The biggest truck of diced dick drivel I've ever sat through.

gmoney

Ah yes, good shout. Absolutely nothing of worth in that film.

Subtle Mocking

The Day After Tomorrow

The following is a criticism you could apply to a number of disaster/sci-fi movies of recent times.

I was 13 and the trailer for this came on in the cinema, and I was hooked. It looked packed to the brim with action and chaos and destruction. What a let-down this turned out to be, why do films like this keep putting the best bits in the fucking trailer? There was about 5 minutes in total of the film that showed these environmental disasters in vast cities and monuments, and the other 2 hours were spent following a bunch of stoney-faced boffin cunts explaining why it was all happening and trying to fathom it all out to save a boring little turd from drowning somewhere in New York, or something along those lines.

In short, fuck disaster movies (and Disaster Movie, which I'll reserve for another post).

SavageHedgehog

When A Man Loves a Woman is on TV tonight. Don't bother with it. You'd think a film with Meg Ryan playing an alcoholic would either be a gutsy drama or a camp classic. It's neither, and its bland slickness and cheesy humour prevent it from even being as affecting as a middling TV-movie on the subject. It was shown up at the time by the much better Leaving Las Vegas, but it was useless on its own anyway.

Criticising films nobody but you has even mentioned in a decade is fun!

lipsink

Quote from: Ginyard on December 15, 2010, 07:27:48 PM
The Number 23  -  The biggest truck of diced dick drivel I've ever sat through.

I went to see that in the cinema not knowing much about it. As soon as the credit appeared "A Joel Schumacher Film" I buried my head in my hands.

Here's a double bill.
The Whole Nine Yards and The Whole Ten Yards. The first one's better, but they're both rank. Shitty, generic Bruce Willis performance, rubbish
sub-Chandler stuff from Mr. Perry, and a nasty air to it all (it's about an assassin.) Very unpleasant, and a wee bit misogynistic.


Actually, what's the worst film starring a cast member of Friends?

gmoney

Lost In Space (LeBlanc) is a stinker. As is Serving Sara (Perry).

I'm gonna go with

Ed (LeBlanc)

The Pallbearer (Schwimmer)

and

Fools Rush In (Perry.)

SavageHedgehog

Surely it's got to be an Aniston flick? I found The Good Girl and Rumour Has It unwatchable, and they're two of her more distinguished flicks!

All the Aniston ones have merged into one for me. I can't tell them apart.