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Belated Christmas specials...

Started by Glebe, December 31, 2010, 04:06:20 AM

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Glebe



Just in time for the New Year's feastings, Auntie Beeb has belatedly issued the wondrous Two Ronnies Christmas Cracker Scrapbook, a succulent selection of some of the beloved twosome's finest vintage yuletide 'truffles' (i.e. 'sketches'). And by the power of Grayskull, thine must feast upon its luxuriant variety mix!

In a 'packed show tonight', we'll be meeting the man who got his ding-dongs trapped in a lift... he's still singing merrily-on-high! And later we'll be talking to the Yorkshire lad who's testicles have dropped... he's learning to play the bongos! Meanwhile, there's lots to enjoy with the classic 'Four Christmas Candles' sketch, cross-dressing capers in 'The Worm That Pisspronounced' and some terrific spoofs; Corbett plays a diminutive Doctor Who and Barker essays The Lion King with great dignity, buts its Ronnie C who steals the show as RoboRon, which captures the grit of Verhoeven's 1986 dystopian sci-fi classic with great aplomb... and lots of willy gags, of course!

Elsewhere, Barker's terrifying mole-headed mutant tramp chews grass blades and makes pithy observations in a field, while even Open All Hours' Arkwright gets in on the act for the Blazing Saddles-inspired 'Bean Shop Sketch'. Plans for an appearance from jailbird Fletcher were apparently canned, however – Corbett takes up the story; "Fletch was all set to make an appearance in a 1978 sketch, until Mr. Mackay caught him stealing a tin of pineapples from the BBC canteen. Oh, how we laughed!" remembers the octogenarian today.

Alongside Ron C's delightful chair monologue – in which Corbett's poor producer get's yet another shunting! – there are of course a choice selection of those evergreen musical numbers. One features the boys as a couple of guards of some sort - "We're-just-plodding and sodding around, look-ing at woman's big boobs!" – and a saucy yuletide number in which the guys play a couple of elves eager to get their dirty hands on Mrs. Claus' 'mince pies'! There's time for a swift half down the local with Sodder and Bob, but we finish up with the late news that a woman in Surrey has just had her carsey fixed; she's flushed for success and her knickers are soaking wet!

These timeless sketches show that the classic duo will remain a fond favourite for millennia to come, but on a serious note, Corbett wishes to state that his late colleague harboured no resentment for the young 'alternative' crowd . "Ronnie B secretly loved the likes of Alas Elton & Jones and Reeves & 50s Throwback Lamarr" keens Corbett today. "He was just upset for Tom Jones when he cruelly took the piss out of his own apperance on Morecambe & Wise. 'Poor Jonesy!' I recall him sighing!"

Meanwhile, Corbett apparently celebrated his recent 80th birthday by getting blind drunk and running naked through the streets of Surrey with a traffic cone glued to his knob.

'Did you know?' fact: The show was provisionally titled 'The Two Mongies'.

Glebe



Released just in time for the mid-January sales blues, The Morecambe & Wise Yuletide Sketchpad Compendium is a vicious selection of festive fluff which will be simultaneously podcast live on the BBC and in the video shops – now! Originally known as Mongcambe & Wise, AKA Morecambe & Mong, the variety legends present a mere fillet of their choicest nonsense. All the favourites are present and correct (including the sordid breakfast striptease!) along with some rarities and docu-footage containing a huge wedge of candid talking heads. Among the rarely-seen festive clips you'll find Eric spotting Santa's sleigh out the window ("He's not going to deliver many presents going at that speed!") and a virtually unheard-off Christmas appearance from André Previn ("Look mate, I'm opening all the Advent calendar windows, just not necessarily in the right order!"). Meanwhile, Glenda Jackson MP tries not to laugh as Eric controls a little puppet Roman bust wearing a Santa hat!

The new doc material is derisively revealing. "Them's were the days!" remembers joke writer Bill Mutton with a fond chuckle. "It was seven 'n six and how's your father!" Floor technician Edna Grindcore recalls some upsets. "Ernie was always saying "Eric, take a look at this sketch what I wrote", she baldy lies. "But Morecambe wasn't interested. He was a bit of a bully, to be honest. Whenever he went too far, he'd just wiggle his glasses and everyone would laugh and forget his terrible moods. He was a cold, cruel, callous monster if you want my opinion."

Of course, the 1970s saw a loosening of social mores, with Eric and Ern even filming sketches at home, usually in the living room but more controversially in the bedroom. "It was anything goes at that stage", remarks close associate Phillip Desperation. "Alternative lifestyles were becoming much more acceptable, thanks to the likes of Larry Grayson, Mr. Humphries and Laurel & Hardy. No one would call you a puff if you fancied sharing a bed with a bloke."

Not all the duo's well-rehearsed sketches went according to plan. "A number of best-loved incidents were improvised fuck-ups" swears dance co-ordinator Fluster McMillan unnecessarily. "Shirley Bassey loosing her shoe... Margo Keith getting stuck on a half-finished stairs... all bad mistakes, but they worked them into the act and nobody was none the wiser."

In finishing, this new compilation-doc mash throws up an amusing little-known fact; Eric & Ern were apparently major aficionados of 90s acid-garage-jungle-drum 'n bass, and could frequently be spotted DJing at all-night raves all over Eastern Europe! So put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Glebe



Beloved entertainer and winner of Pipe-Smoker-of-the-Year-2001 Russ Abbot makes an emotional return to his half-Scottish roots in Russ Abbot's "It's nearly bloody Spring, already!" Highland Hootenanny, coming soon to the graveyard shift on Dave, Living TV or whoever picks it up. You are cordially invited to Abbot House on the Edinburgh/Glasgow border, just down the road from Balmoral, for a night of songs of joy and tears of laughter. Hang on to your seat... you just might tumble off with entertainment!

Abbot is known to "love a party with a happy atmosphere", so it's no surprise to hear about the cavalcade of celebrity guests on offer. Abbot's cousin C.U. Jimmy McAbbot is in attendance, as well as some old friends – Bella Emberg brings up the rear, while Les Dennis "insisted on turning up naked and stinking of whisky!" laughs Abbot, shaking his head. Meanwhile, Brucie props up the bar with a "Nice to see you Russ, to see you Russ, nice!"

As well as chat, light variety and laughter, there's plenty of music on offer. Jools Holland introduces the night's aural pleasures, including but not exceeding The Balmoral Pipers and The Proclaimers. Excitement builds coming up to midnight, with the countdown to the Vernal Equinox. Bringing in the new season, Abbot takes to the mike for a medley of his greatest hit ("So let me take you there, and you and I'll be pipe-smokin' in the COOL-NIGHT-AIR!")

As with any pre-recorded live show, there are always hilarious accidents to include in future classic TV blooper compilations. Evil cleric Abu Hamza found tucking into the turkey dinner a bit of a nightmare. "He couldn't pick up his knife and fork because of his hooks hands!" chuckles Abbot in memory. David Dimbleby and Sir Trevor McDonald provided commentary from the sidelines, but Abbot confesses to being a bit miffed with the pair of them. "They turned up late and had obviously had a few", says Abbot. "It really got my dander up." Later, Compo and Kathy Staff made a surprise apperance, much to the joy of all and sundry. "I laid on limousines for all my guests, but Compo insisted on arriving by sliding downhill in a bathtub", recalls Abbot. "I tried to break the ice with Kathy Staff by making a joke about her 'sexy' stockings, but she just said 'Oh, give over!'"

Glebe



Everyone remembers where they where when The Beatles played Ed Sullivan, Grace Jones attacked Russell Harty and Ali Bongo appeared on The Basil Brush Show, but 2010/11's The Seriously-Delayed Royal Christmas Variety Performance will surely be remembered for all the wrong reasons. Having already been hampered by revolting peasants on the way to the regular Variety Performance, Prince Charles and Camilla where held up until after the New Year for this Christmas-scheduled show. "They made the audience and all the acts remain in the auditorium over Christmas and New Year", complains host Peter Kay. "It were dead cold and there was no food nor water", continues Kay. "Garlic Bread!"

Things were no less fraught when the show – due to be screened on ITV4 sometime next year – finally got underway on Jan 2 last. The Duke of Edinburgh was taken ill after eating some curry, and his place had to be filled at the last minute by fascist cock Nick Griffin. By way of easing tension, Griffin announced; "I love Shane Meadows and I'm down wiv da kidz!" A minutes silence was observed for Bob Carolgees, before things went awry with opening act Roger De Courcey and Nookie Bear. Nookie couldn't resist doing an impression of Hitler at the Nuremburg rally, and it took Michael McIntyre's middle-class-faffing-around act to lighten the mood.

Julian Assange did a five-minute set of very mildly-embarrassing government secrets to jovial effect and next up, Nigella Lawson did a raunchy recipe number which caused steam to shoot from many a male collar. Nod 'arf! "I really enjoyed roasting those nutmegs beneath the Queen's royal box", commented Nigella later, whilst rubbing a large, phallic pepper grinder suggestively. Two Brians followed – firstly, Irish funnyman Dara 'O Briain', who cast his usual wry, sideways look at the British, then 'The Snail', who gave an amusing account of his heyday in The Magic Roundabout.

The Queen's sister Barbara Windsor joined Bruce Forsythe for a quick bit of hoofing, then Bobby George got the crowd going with a right old knees-up. Following Cee Lo Green's wonderful impersonation of David Prowse, it was time for headline act The Chuckle Brothers to take to the stage. There was some controversy when they criticised the inclusion of Finnish death metallers Children Of Bodem on the bill, but both Barry and Paul put on the show of a lifetime, and by the end even a tearful Griffin decided to renounce his ways and join the Anti-Nazi League.

There were plenty of celebs in the audience, too – Sir Lord Sugar was spotted alongside his new squeeze Cautious Carol, Fozzie Bear was seen sitting on Frank Oz's lap and afterwards, either Marilyn Manson or Lady Gaga popped backstage for a quick curtsey. But the biggest surprise was the appearance of reclusive 'Bring Me Sunshine' pair Eric and Ernie. "Eric had his hat and coat on and was carrying his shopping bags", says Little Urn. "He was loitering in the background and kept saying that he going for the bus. When he spotted the Queen he grabbed her by the collar, called her "sunshine" and slapped her viciously on the cheeks. Fortunately, she was so amused she decided not to have him executed for assaulting a monarch."

Finally, Peter Crouch – who had been called in at the last minute to replace the Chinese acrobats – managed to get one past substitute keeper Harry Hill, but the Queen came back in the dying seconds to win 3-2 on aggregate.

Nelson Swillie

"Two Brians followed – firstly, Irish funnyman Dara 'O Briain', who cast his usual wry, sideways look at the British, then 'The Snail', who gave an amusing account of his heyday in The Magic Roundabout."

""I laid on limousines for all my guests, but Compo insisted on arriving by sliding downhill in a bathtub", recalls Abbot."

"Among the rarely-seen festive clips you'll find Eric spotting Santa's sleigh out the window ("He's not going to deliver many presents going at that speed!") and a virtually unheard-off Christmas appearance from André Previn ("Look mate, I'm opening all the Advent calendar windows, just not necessarily in the right order!"). Meanwhile, Glenda Jackson MP tries not to laugh as Eric controls a little puppet Roman bust wearing a Santa hat!"

"Meanwhile, Corbett apparently celebrated his recent 80th birthday by getting blind drunk and running naked through the streets of Surrey with a traffic cone glued to his knob."

Come on for fuck's sake, what's not to love here? Marshall and Renwick would have been proud of this lot! PROUD, do you hear me?

Glebe

Hehe... cheers Nelson - the check's in the post!