The Melanie Phillips Joke Factory

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Hello, lovely Melanie here! I like jokes, they make me forget who I am, briefly. There's nothing quite like laughter, I remember doing it once when I was nineteen. But enough about my only sexual experience, I want your help to produce the sort of gags faithful to the Judeo-Christian heritage of this country (you know, the one that is so fervently under attack by liberal gay Muslim spakis).

The best thing about my joke workshop is, everyone can have a go!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Probably because of some bureaucratic dictat from the European Union.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape bloodthirsty Muslims.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it had received a formal notification from the city council that after a thorough risk-assessment the road was deemed safe to cross under European (there we go again) Health and Safety guidelines.

Anyone can have a go!

An Englishman, a second-generation 'British' Asian, and a gay teetollar walk into the bar. The Englishman soon finds himself alone due to the irrecovable cultural differences that prove multiculturalism is a notional fallacy.

An Englishman, a comprehensive schoolteacher and his son walk into a bar. The Englishman is soon shocked at the brazen way the schoolteacher is lecturing his son about homosexual practise. The Englishman walks over and says, "do you find it appropriate for you to be fascistically forcing homosexual choices and non-Christian values on your son?" The schoolteacher furrows his brow and replies, "How thoughtful. I will think again in future before so latently succumbing to pervasive liberal peer pressure to educate children on minority lifestyle choices that have nothing to do with the lives of the majority Judeo-Christian population of the country. Thank you for your concern and have a pleasant day with my warmest wishes to you and all your relations, good woman."

It's so easy!

Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea we'd ceded control of to Icelandic fishing fleets in 1993 as per the directive of the European Union was yielding record catches that would have benefited our own nation and our own dying fishing industry.

What do you get when you cross a rooster with a duck?
The sort of dangerous genetic splicing we've been warning scientists about for over a decade, while they plough on with indifference to our genuine and scientifically founded concerns.

GO ON FOR AGES

The patient said to the doctor- I feel like I'm a pair of curtains.
The doctor replied, "We often feel disjointed at the myriad ways our once great nation has been piece by piece dismantled by the true scourges of decent Judeo-Christian society, but I'm statutarily obliged to request that you 'pull yourself together' (I am informed this is some sort of gag playing on the duality of pulling a pair of curtains together and someone figuratively addressing their own problems as an individual)."

How many months have 28 days?
All of them. Because of a new EU directive insisting that the Judeo-Christian calendar be scrapped and replaced by a forced equilibrium.


It's now your turn. I only trust that you will adhere to the good-natured values instilled in you by your parents, as you endeavour to make more of these 'jokes'.

[Cerys]

How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?

Only one - more than that would suggest that the men involved had an ulterior motive for being in the bathroom together, such as covert homosexual practices or plotting to undermine this great country of ours by being maliciously Islamic.

[Dead kate moss]

'Knock knock!

'I am calling the police right now.'

[Johnny Yesno]

'Knock knock!

'I am calling the police right now.'

Or...

'Knock kn-bzzzzzzt-aaaagh!'

[hummingofevil]

Person 1: "A man walks into a bar..."

Melanie interupting: "Its a pub."

[Ginyard]

'Where do you weigh a whale?'

I never wail wail. I pray quietly thankyou.