The love of my life just died

[massive bereavement]

When I was very young, my best friend (a girl) died suddenly and I've been shaking a proverbial fist at god ever since. Sometimes I do wish I now lived on my own with nobody to care about because, every so often, I'll go through a sleepless night of panic and worrying that I'm going suffer yet another devastating loss, but you do get through it in time, things eventually fall back into place - not quite in the same way - but you get used to it...  and then you just have to get on with it.

[Barberism]

This is absolutely horrible. Really tragic. I think it does you credit that you can be so calm in the face of something so senseless.

[Frankie Trumbauer]

You know, I joined CaB never intending to post, but this hit me in a very deep place, and I can't help but reply to it. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. As someone who met my own personal soulmate through the internet, I can at least partly understand how awful this is for you...all my condolences.

[HappyTree]

Diana's blog

Blog about Diana

[Groodle]

Ah, man. I read this place far more than I post so while you may not know me I've found your past posts about her to be quite lovely and affecting. I'm genuinely saddened to hear about this.

[Artemis]

I've just caught up with thread and want to express how sad I am on reading what's happened, HT. I don't really have the words for this, but I think what others have said here is very important; that you knew each other and made such a difference in each other's lives is what you should hold on to, because that hasn't gone, and every day you wake up a better man for having known her, she's still there with you in the most important sense.

Also, expressing how you're feeling is a valuable thing to do; I'm thankful you have started this thread, as awful as it is to read.

[Wilbur]

Diana's blog

Blog about Diana

Look after yourself. Life does go on, albeit it with a slightly less happy glow for a while.

W

[Galeee]

Just got back to read this, oh HT, I am truly sorry.

[buttgammon]

I've just caught up with thread and want to express how sad I am on reading what's happened, HT. I don't really have the words for this, but I think what others have said here is very important; that you knew each other and made such a difference in each other's lives is what you should hold on to, because that hasn't gone, and every day you wake up a better man for having known her, she's still there with you in the most important sense.

Also, expressing how you're feeling is a valuable thing to do; I'm thankful you have started this thread, as awful as it is to read.

This, because I'm rubbish at these things and find it much easier to requote someone's more eloquent response than come up with something.

So sorry to hear about this.

[copylight]

Judging by the spiritual tone to your posts I guess you look at death in a different way compared to conventional standards but this does not take away the shock of the loss though. My sincerest condolences HT.

[ColonelVolestrangler]

Another voice adding condolences here. I am so sorry for your loss, Happy Tree. It sounds very much like you both enriched each others lives enormously.

[Big Jack McBastard]

Grim stuff, what a fucking 'out of left field' way to go. I can't help but think I'd be left in a haze of disbelief if something like that happened to someone in my life.

[The Region Legion]

Been trying to work out what to say in here for quite a while HT, considering we've had previous discussions about Estonia... every time I start though I feel like I'm diverting attention to myself but here goes..

A woman I loved once upon a time recently fell from her 12th floor balcony. I'm thankful that our romantic relationship was long ended by that point - indeed, she was only a month away from marrying the father of her 2 year old son when it happened - but it hasn't made it any easier to consider that she's just not here anymore. No way to say those things that needed said one last time or make up for past mistakes. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't just some girlfriend, she was my whole world for at least 7 years while we went from friends to lovers and back again. It was a storied relationship and not a day has gone by since she died that I don't think about her. It's been 4 months and 8 days.

Particularly fucked up is that I found out through Facebook too - woke up on the 25th of September at 6:30am to discover a message from a friend that she had died 2 days previous and I'd had no idea. After about half an hour of looking at her Facebook page and trying to take it in, I just stopped and played computer games instead. Took a good long time before I fully accepted it... probably not until her funeral 3 weeks later, and even then it was probably not until last month that I started to get my life back into some kind of order.

Last night I had a dream that I was digging into her grave, presumably trying to bring her back. I don't remember how it appeared but eventually a brass plate fell over the broken soil, putting an end to my hard work thus far. It was raining, and written in the mist on top of it - like fingermarks on a bathroom mirror after a shower -  were the words "Live Well" (or words to that effect). This is not the first time she's come to me with such a message in my dreams, and I'm starting to think I should listen to it.


See, I knew I'd make it about me. I'm sorry for your loss HT. In a bizarre Kevin Bacon kind of way, it turns out my girlfriend had read about this event herself in the Estonian papers - apparently she was a very promising young woman.

Good luck with this. It's going to take forever.

[Braintree]

Grim stuff, what a fucking 'out of left field' way to go. I can't help but think I'd be left in a haze of disbelief if something like that happened to someone in my life.

I'm not sure I can add much to this thread. As well as the loss what must hurt is that she went in such a horrible way. Sorry for your loss, HT.

[HappyTree]

I know this is the most important thing in the world to me and not to you, but if anyone feels like joining me in prayer, or meditation or just simply thinking about Diana, or about your own loved ones when her funeral takes place then please do.

It's on Saturday 5th Feb at 12 noon Estonian time, 10am GMT. Light a candle, stop and think about your own families and how much you love them, whatever. Just do what you think is best if you want to and if you remember. Thank-you :)

[The Boston Crab]

Lots of love, fella. I've been thinking of you.

xx

[Joy Nktonga]

The time's coming up and I'm thinking of you buddy.

[HappyTree]

Thanks to everyone.

The service was beautiful. I got a very real sense that it was not a goodbye, more of a recognition that she lives on in all our hearts. When my Dad died my mother and sister saw the body and reacted badly, so I had decided I wouldn't look. But I didn't really have the choice as the coffin was open when I walked into the church. Luckily, it wasn't traumatising, she just looked asleep, if a little serious. She was intense and focused, but so full of joy and animation. The spark that was her was gone, so the shell left behind was simply that: a container. Now nothing can contain her.

At one point in the middle of proceedings a tramp from outside wandered in and walked right up to the coffin. He just stared at her in awe, then looked around at the congregation, bemused. His face seemed to ask us why we were all so sad in the presence of a beautiful angel. He then staggered out again without saying a word. I could just imagine Diana laughing at the randomness and wanting to reach out and help this straggly-bearded man. It was like God had sent in what society sometimes sees as a disposable person to show that the spark of love resides within each one of us equally. Well, that's what I felt at the time. He was no intruder, he was witnessing a sacred moment.

She's still in my thoughts as alive and vibrant as ever. Hard as it was to carry her coffin and lay it down on the grave, I really didn't feel despair. It was all dreamlike, fitting, necessary.

One thing that slightly surprised me was the mechanics of burying a person. I had assumed the coffin goes in the ground, the minister says some words and we all move off leaving the gravedigger to finish the work. But no, after I had the great honour of being the first person after her parents to cast in some handfuls of soil, everyone participated and then the hole was filled in there and then. The gravedigger crafted the mound of earth displaced by the volume of the coffin into a neat shape and then people helped cover it over with pine fronds, then all the flowers. I lit a candle in a holder and placed it beside the grave. It was all very symbolic and meaningful.

We then went back to her old high school and people stood up to share their connections with Diana, to explain what she meant to them. I was feeling scared but realised this was something I had to do. I asked her other good friend to translate for those who didn't speak English (primarily for her mother's benefit) and then I told everyone exactly how we'd met and what we'd meant to each other over the last 8 years. Everyone found it a very touching story and her mum gave me a hug and thanked me for being there.

For such a terrible tragedy, things all went incredibly well. I feel very sad still, of course, but at the same time surprisingly uplifted. When the shock and horror dissipates, as it surely will, I will be left with a great sense of urgency to continue making her proud of me. Her influence in my life and in those of the others will live on. For someone so young and unassuming she had an amazingly pure, beautiful and very powerful impact.

The power of love is burning fiercely inside me. I am not angry, I don't think I will be. "Activation" is the word that springs to mind. She'll be a part of everything I do.



I love you, Diz <3

[Wilbur]

Thanks to everyone.

The service was beautiful. I got a very real sense that it was not a goodbye, more of a recognition that she lives on in all our hearts. When my Dad died my mother and sister saw the body and reacted badly, so I had decided I wouldn't look. But I didn't really have the choice as the coffin was open when I walked into the church. Luckily, it wasn't traumatising, she just looked asleep, if a little serious. She was intense and focused, but so full of joy and animation. The spark that was her was gone, so the shell left behind was simply that: a container. Now nothing can contain her.

At one point in the middle of proceedings a tramp from outside wandered in and walked right up to the coffin. He just stared at her in awe, then looked around at the congregation, bemused. His face seemed to ask us why we were all so sad in the presence of a beautiful angel. He then staggered out again without saying a word. I could just imagine Diana laughing at the randomness and wanting to reach out and help this straggly-bearded man. It was like God had sent in what society sometimes sees as a disposable person to show that the spark of love resides within each one of us equally. Well, that's what I felt at the time. He was no intruder, he was witnessing a sacred moment.

She's still in my thoughts as alive and vibrant as ever. Hard as it was to carry her coffin and lay it down on the grave, I really didn't feel despair. It was all dreamlike, fitting, necessary.

One thing that slightly surprised me was the mechanics of burying a person. I had assumed the coffin goes in the ground, the minister says some words and we all move off leaving the gravedigger to finish the work. But no, after I had the great honour of being the first person after her parents to cast in some handfuls of soil, everyone participated and then the hole was filled in there and then. The gravedigger crafted the mound of earth displaced by the volume of the coffin into a neat shape and then people helped cover it over with pine fronds, then all the flowers. I lit a candle in a holder and placed it beside the grave. It was all very symbolic and meaningful.

We then went back to her old high school and people stood up to share their connections with Diana, to explain what she meant to them. I was feeling scared but realised this was something I had to do. I asked her other good friend to translate for those who didn't speak English (primarily for her mother's benefit) and then I told everyone exactly how we'd met and what we'd meant to each other over the last 8 years. Everyone found it a very touching story and her mum gave me a hug and thanked me for being there.

For such a terrible tragedy, things all went incredibly well. I feel very sad still, of course, but at the same time surprisingly uplifted. When the shock and horror dissipates, as it surely will, I will be left with a great sense of urgency to continue making her proud of me. Her influence in my life and in those of the others will live on. For someone so young and unassuming she had an amazingly pure, beautiful and very powerful impact.

The power of love is burning fiercely inside me. I am not angry, I don't think I will be. "Activation" is the word that springs to mind. She'll be a part of everything I do.



I love you, Diz <3

Glad it went OK.

Take care.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You're being very strong, I'm seems from what you say that she'll always inspire you, which is a wonderful gift to be given. Good to hear from you as well.

[Zero Gravitas]

I want a drunken Estonian tramp wandering in at my funeral too, that sounds ace.

[The Boston Crab]

I find it quite hard to reply to your posts here, HT, they make me well up but not just at the tragedy. Your attitude, perspective and strength is absolutely inspiring. I just want you to know.

It sounds like the day went as well as could be hoped.

xx

[mook]

^
^especially if you get someone to rig your eye to wink at him as he peeks in the box at you.

[Glebe]

That's deeply touching, HP. I can't imagine how you must be feeling, but you seem to have a lot of inner strength and a very positive attitude to boot... you deserve to find true happiness some day.

[HappyTree]

Well a sceptic, materialist friend of mine made the point to me that in a very real cognitive sense people remain alive in the minds of those who knew them. So it's not some kind of spiritualist denial to say that she is still in my heart influencing what I do and how I think. 8 years of such an intensely loving bond don't just disappear the moment her body dies, so I don't know if I have anything much to do with this strength, it seems still to be coming from her. Perhaps our minds got so entangled over the years that I'm not simply me any more, but a part of her is actually, literally within me.

I don't know, it's weird. I didn't realise I'd react in this way. I suppose in days to come some emptiness will rear its head. I'm already wondering what I'll do on a day to day level since I basically shared with her everything I experienced and felt so I could get her perspective before making my mind up about anything. And I will really miss that. How can I know what I think about anything now that she's not there to discuss it with?

But, back in my own terminology, I could simply state that our love was so strong not even death can put an end to it. Two ways of saying the same thing, I guess. Maybe I'm just in a weird state of mind. Maybe I'll come crashing down later. I hope not, I don't think I will. There is just something inside of me that's still giving me this connection. She's still in there. Hard to explain in rational terms, really. But then poets and artists have been trying to define what love is since time began. It's a spark, a special magic and it seems to be the strongest thing in existence.

[Artemis]

I suppose in days to come some emptiness will rear its head. I'm already wondering what I'll do on a day to day level since I basically shared with her everything I experienced and felt so I could get her perspective before making my mind up about anything. And I will really miss that. How can I know what I think about anything now that she's not there to discuss it with?

But, back in my own terminology, I could simply state that our love was so strong not even death can put an end to it. Two ways of saying the same thing, I guess. Maybe I'm just in a weird state of mind. Maybe I'll come crashing down later. I hope not, I don't think I will. There is just something inside of me that's still giving me this connection.

Good to hear, but it's almost inevitable that at some point, probably when you least expect it, this will hit you (for the umpteenth time) and when it does, don't consider it 'unspiritual' or whatever just to have a good old fucking cry about it. For as long as it takes, actually. Emotion shouldn't be suppressed or tucked beneath some kind of 'stiff upper lip' notion of repression. It needs to be embraced; expressed; released. So when it happens, recognise it not as a weakness or in any negative sense, but as an essential part of you recognising how much she continues to mean to you.

[HappyTree]

Good words, thanks. I feel distinctly odd at the moment, I imagine my attitude will fluctuate. Sometimes it all feels so gut-wrenchingly human and physical, then I have this wave of connection and I feel very energised. Then, like now, I feel numb and out of sorts. Mornings are the worst, it gets better as the day goes on. As would be normal, I'm trying to project into the future and predict how this will go, but I think it will be a mixture of emotions and feelings that I'll just have to accept and deal with as they come. It's a little upsetting, yet also interesting, to note how selfish one becomes. I guess out of necessity. Selfish in the sense that I'm sitting here thinking this is the most bizarre and confusing thing that's ever happened to me and yet the real victim is that poor little girl. She is the dictionary definition of the word "sweet" and we need more sweetness in our lives, not less. I think I just need to go to bed. Thanks.

[HappyTree]

Her dad just posted a photo of her diary from 24th December 2010. In it she regularly wrote down everything she was thankful for. I just saw what she wrote that day and to see her say in her private thoughts that she was thankful for having me as her best friend who she knew she could always rely on, well it helps more than I can say.

We don't always tell people just what they mean to us. Over this last month I've been hoping she knew, going through doubts and moments when I felt it was all such a waste. I remember how she was 8 years ago, a frightened 14 year-old who felt all alone in the world. She genuinely thought she wasn't human and came from another planet. It was my mission in life to make her understand that she was loved, that I loved her and that she was worth being loved. Seems I succeeded. That gives me more strength than you could imagine. She knew. Nothing in this whole world was more important to me, and she knew.

Knowing this has probably knocked off years of therapy. Love is the strongest force in the universe. It actually is. Fancy that.

[Hot Pants]

. It was my mission in life to make her understand that she was loved, that I loved her and that she was worth being loved. Seems I succeeded. That gives me more strength than you could imagine. She knew. Nothing in this whole world was more important to me, and she knew. Knowing this has probably knocked off years of therapy. Love is the strongest force in the universe. It actually is. Fancy that.

Although you may never have known what it was, I'd say "Mission acomplished..."

[HappyTree]

Just had a clean out of my PMs and noticed that I haven't responded to everyone. Sorry about that, I'm sure you understand that things felt very weird at the time. I won't bother singling you all out, you all know if you sent me a message or not. And also to everyone on this thread, PM or not, I address this.

It's always very hard to know what to say. I've been there too, hovering over the keyboard wondering what I could possibly say to help or make someone feel better. And sometimes I have decided not to say anything out of sheer indecision. But what you all have said, or tried to say, has been a comfort. A big help. Just to get a reaction of any kind, some token of acknowledgement.

It's really weird. At the same time as realising intellectually that this is only something that affects me here, I do have feelings of frustration and bitterness that the entire universe hasn't stopped in its tracks and paid attention. I feel like shaking people, especially at work, and saying "Do you not REALISE what has happened?" And of course they don't. And neither should they. I'd be the same if this had happened to someone else I didn't know very well. I'd feel sad, shocked, empathise a bit and then move on with my life. Nothing wrong with that. I'm just voicing what's going on inside, not being critical at all.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank-you and acknowledge that it has made a difference. One of my friends on Facebook told me that he'd followed all the links, looked at all the photos and videos and comments. That's what helps, again, some kind of reaction. Just for people to be interested enough to react in some way.

As for the "spiritual" angle, heh well it helps to a certain extent. I mean, I'm not 100% convinced of anything, I remain a "spiritualist-leaning agnostic" since I do realise I cannot KNOW for sure. I have even argued in the past that it's perhaps not the best idea TO know, if it does exist. I mean, if I knew for certain that another reality existed after death and I could see Diana again and I'd learn from this and possibly reincarnate, etc., then I'd be very tempted just to check out right now and go back to the light where things feel better and I can be surrounded by love.

Or perhaps I'd just continue on and draw strength from that knowledge, complete some more missions and look forward to seeing her again when it's time. I think I have a philosophy that is strong enough to resist the easy option even with absolute certitude of life after death (or "between lives" as Michael Newton puts it). But there are times when some respite from the sheer gritty coal-face reality of this world would be welcome.

I do remain resolutely human and have times when the mind-numbing physical reality of her being actually DEAD hits home. I look at my couch and stare fondly at the place where she should be sitting, where she always sat and looked at me so kindly with her beautiful big brown eyes. She thought I was the best thing since sliced bread, and remembering that still brings a warmth and strength that fills me up and keeps me going. I now have the responsibility to carry the light she had and allow it to benefit others in the way she would have done herself had she still been here. I still need her to be proud of me.

Here's one last video to show you. I love this one, it shows off her gentle and easygoing nature, her playfulness and the wonderful rapport we had together. I love the WTF moment when I continue playing and don't realise she's finished all the verses. I never had so much fun in my life as when I was with her. We didn't even need to be doing anything in particular, she just made the act of breathing in and out a joyful experience.

My Dizzy Di :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjp_ICaRrEc