The love of my life just died

[The Boston Crab]

Just so you know, these posts are always very painful but I always feel glad I've read them. I take something fundamental from them, it's just that sometimes those fundamental things are really painful and highlight where I need to get back on track. Anyway, thanks for sharing.

[danielreal2k]

Incredible, I wasnt sure either what this thread would be about - i'm truely stunned.

Not sure what to say but it shows love has no boundries.  But it is good you both shared that time together and shows what IS really important in life.

"Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up." Terence Mckenna.

[MissInformed]

Happy Tree, I had no idea you spoke with a Scottish accent.

[The Region Legion]

Drinking a glass of Viru Valge to her as we speak (was in Voru last weekend, passed through Tartu on the bus and thought of Diana).

[The Region Legion]

Oh god, and I just found her funeral on YouTube.

I've been at events in Estonia where I don't understand what the fuck everyone is saying so I can sense the terrible sadness of all the people shown. They don't sound like Estonians to me, although I'm lucky that I've yet to have to go to a funeral there.

It's clear she inspired great respect and love from those that knew her, I only wish I could have had the chance myself.

[The Region Legion]

Oh for fucks sake, there you are, with your translator.

I don't know how you did it mate, but let me just say that the fact that they allowed you to go so late shows how much they respected your relationship with her, even if you don't appear to have been aware of it until recently.. speech order and the formalities are taken extremely seriously there, in my experience.

If I could type a kind of breathless sadness I would.

[HappyTree]

It was pretty amazing how her mother accepted me, not only allowing me to go to the funeral but also carrying the casket, standing in the family line-up and being the first person after herself and ex-husband to throw the dirt in. Remember, this is after 18 months of pretending I had no more contact with Diana because her mother told her I was a bad man from the internet come to seduce her and was part of a paedophile ring. She even went to the police just after I left when I visited the home in 2009.

And her dad had never even met me before. Yet there I was holding his daughter's body up and becoming the last physical movement of her body on this planet. I think Diz had told him about me, but her mum thought I had long since disappeared. She was a bit surprised when she was told we'd still been seeing each other all that time and that Diz had even visited me in France.

Her parents both reacted with such generosity and kindness, they deserve a big commendation for that. I guess somehow someone explained how close we really were. Well, Diz mentioned me in her diary so maybe they'd read that. I stood up to speak because I had to, no way could I let the moment pass without telling people why and how we met. Just the most important person who's ever been in my life. It's nice that you were thinking of her as you passed through, nice to know, thanks :)

[KaNikki]

I read your post and it brought me to tears. I have internet friends and though none are quite like your relationship was, I can't imagine losing them. It must be devistating, and I really wish I could day something you haven't heard a thousand times already, but I'm so sorry for your loss.

[HappyTree]

I haven't been back to her home town Pärnu since the funeral but I will go to her grave in a few weeks when I'm on holiday. I'll also go to the scene where she died. Someone posted a pic taken recently:



Ok so it was all covered in snow 3 months ago, but even so it is hard for me to accept that she could just have fallen into that small hole. Looking at pics of her face at the funeral, I have reluctantly come to the conclusion that she must have hit her face on something when falling. The right side of her face was reddened and at the time I put that down to dodgy makeup by the people who prepared the body.

I know, why still think about it? I just have to try to understand what happened. So, she was walking in the snow, wandered off the path and beside that tree for some reason nobody will ever know, placed a foot down on what she assumed was solid ground and the earth literally just opened up beneath her. I still protest in my mind. Why didn't she put an arm out instinctively? Maybe she did. Maybe there was too much momentum to allow her to grab onto the edge.

Then, did she hit her face falling forward? Was she then already unconscious when she slipped down into that narrow tube? Did she have time to have any last thoughts? Did her life flash before her like they say it does? Or was it simply a case of "WTF, I'm falling...bang -out- " ?

Once in I can see why she would have been unable to keep afloat, there's no room to move. I just hope she was already unconscious by then. And then I add my own beliefs to it, so I'm imagining that at this point her consciousness would have left her body and swooped up and out to look down and take stock of just having died. It looks like it was a very rapid exit from this world.

I dunno what to think. I'm torn between spiritual philosophising and human despair. The whole thing is just so incredibly insane, unlikely and impossible. Just look at how small an area the danger zone covered. What are the chances of anybody just walking over that exact spot? And even just 1 month, maybe 6 weeks later and the hole would have been obvious enough for anyone to stay away.

She had an appointment at the dentist 1 month previously. She turned up for it and it had mysteriously been cancelled. Well, there was no record of it anywhere yet the receptionist had remembered making the appointment. So it was rescheduled for 26th Jan. She didn't even NEED to go to the bloody dentist, ffs.

This life thing is just preposterous. I don't know if I can take it seriously ever again, tbh. I'm done. Please take me home. Ah yes but that's emotion talking. I know in my heart that I don't really mean it. I will carry on, forge new connections and eventually care about somebody else. But not at the moment.

[Cerys]

<hugs>

[mook]

the only thing lesson in life this place has taught me is to stop before the momentum.

[MissInformed]

Don't ever take life seriously. That's salutary advice for us all. Take care x

[The Boston Crab]

From one man to another, keep on hoping. Keep moving forwards. I can't imagine the pain you've gone through and continue to go through but your head is right here. You will one day forge new connections, that's clearly the man you are. It doesn't disrespect her memory at all. You shared something amazing and one day you will begin to move onto a new stage of life, with all those memories safe.

Lots of love.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Take care HappyTree, don't worry too much about what a normal/abnormal reaction will be, or what you think you should be doing instead right now. You honestly still seem like you've got a grip on things which is tribute to your strength. You seem like someone who knows the right things to appreciate out of life so I'll wish you all the best and to carry on going in the confidence that you will do.

[HappyTree]

Yeah. It's just really weird. This is totally different from losing my dad, there is a hefty element of "this is not right" involved here. Which then directly brings into question my whole world view of what is right and wrong anyway. But one thing I do know about myself is I cannot not care. I may not be actively seeking out anyone to care about right now, but whenever a situation is presented to me I can't just turn away and refuse to get involved.

Here is a composite picture of the place where she fell showing where the hole is and why she walked over it:



I can't really say that it makes me feel better, but there is some comfort in finally understanding that she never walked anywhere that looked dangerous. You can see the red line where the safe path was lurking underneath the snow and for some reason someone had piled up snow in a bank ON the path, rather than beside it. So I can see why Diana would have chosen to take the line she did on the inside of the trees and beside the bank of snow.

So really, anybody walking there would have walked over that place. She wasn't tramping off into massive snow drifts with gay abandon, it seemed that the path would naturally lead over that dangerous spot. She just happened to be the first person to go there after the snow fell, and really one can't expect her to remember that there would be any hole there at all.

This is just what happens when town councils are negligent in making sure public pathways are kept safe. She wasn't the only one to be killed in this way this winter, there was also an elderly gentleman and a 5 year-old child who fell into similar holes elsewhere.

I'll be visiting her mum in a few weeks and maybe we'll discuss something about how to insist to town councils that they just go around making all these types of places safe. It's not good enough to leave them open. I'm sure no single person will ever be prosecuted for this negligence, and fair enough. I can see how the responsibility for this was distributed. But after this there is no real excuse to ignore the problem any longer. This cannot happen again.

Such a beautiful, gentle, kind, and fun person. She lit up my whole life with one smile. This computer game we call life can have its less pleasant moments, that's for sure. I look forward to understanding why this was all necessary when I move on to the next dimension myself. And I expect her to be waiting to greet me when I do! You hear that, Diz? :-D

[HappyTree]

The official enquiry into her death has just concluded that whilst the town council was technically at fault for not replacing the manhole cover, nobody is actually responsible for this and nothing will be done. They never even bothered to contact her mother, offer condolences or tell her about counselling help she was entitled to. That is unacceptable. I will be working with her parents to change this, too many people die pointlessly every year through casual negligence in this country. Estonia will need to realise that if it wants to be a part of Europe and the Euro it has to get its H&S act together, it has more responsibilities now.

My birthday Friday. Her birthday Saturday. My brother's birthday Sunday. She's family.

Edit: Here she is with her class in 6th form

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZ9tOxUfnj0

[HappyTree]

And if anyone is interested, here is a report on Estonian TV about her death and the court case surrounding it. The upshot is basically the council is trying everything to wriggle out of any responsibility.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EarcNJU4aro

I wonder how the Estonian public would feel to know that their own state claims it is not responsible for keeping public land safe. I wonder how the European Court would feel about that too. Let's find out.

[CaledonianGonzo]

Stay strong, HappyTree.  Must be difficult to keep watching this unfold.

PSE:  My.  TV footage of her at 2 minutes in.  I can see why she was so special to you.

Edit:  Watched the full report now - it was difficult viewing, and probably for the best that I could barely translate any of the Estonian language.  It maybe didn't help with the constant footage of police tape underscored with portentous strings.  I'm glad I did, though, even if I do feel a bit cut up about it. You've got more strength about this than I could ever see myself having in a similar situation.  Such a pointless fucking waste. 

*Manhugs*

[Caroline]

And if anyone is interested, here is a report on Estonian TV about her death and the court case surrounding it. The upshot is basically the council is trying everything to wriggle out of any responsibility.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EarcNJU4aro

I wonder how the Estonian public would feel to know that their own state claims it is not responsible for keeping public land safe. I wonder how the European Court would feel about that too. Let's find out.

I lost one of my closest friends last year to sudden cardiac death on his 28th birthday. It was and always will be one of the worst experiences of my life and I still miss him every single day. However, I take real comfort in knowing that it could not really have been predicted or prevented.

When I've read your posts about your friend, HT, I have always been so touched by the love and respect you had for her and I can't imagine what it must be like to lose someone you treasure so much in a way that could have been prevented, and to feel as if someone was to blame for her death, that there was some causality of negligence behind it.

[HappyTree]

For now the council has played the "nothing to do with us" card. This would be easily unacceptable in Britain, but I have yet to understand how things work here. I obviously can't just expect things to be the same. But either the council are legally right to deny responsibility or not. If they are right then the law must be changed to better protect the Estonian public on public land. If they are not right then the existing law must be applied properly.

In any case, the end result of this must be that in future the council is held clearly responsible for making public spaces safe. This will force them to spend money. Spending money will suddenly make them interested in preventing manhole covers from being stolen and sold for scrap in the first place. For now they don't give a toss, but if they are hit in the government wallet they will wake up as if by magic. Sadly this is just the way human committees work, they never do anything until forced to.

Neither her parents nor myself are out for blood or are interested in having one person blamed and put away (3 years is the possible sentence). But there is a clear case of collective negligence and I think it is a useful use of my time to try to remove this ambiguity from Estonian law. This will save 5 lives every year.

[HappyTree]

Thanks for watching. I know it's not the most accessible thing to watch Estonian TV, lol. But yes you can get a lot from the tone and visual context. It helps to know that some people are noticing. I do hope to galvanise support in time, when I've met with a few people and talked through the best approach.

The pride of Estonia is its Singing Revolution when the people rose up and ousted the Soviets by singing to them en masse. A perfect example of non-violent determination. Things only get changed when people get up and change them. It will be interesting to see where this goes.

[HappyTree]

A song for the Dizzy Wiz.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTpZ_kx5OiI

[garbed_attic]

Just watched the video of you two reciting Amazing Grace. You were so obviously in love, such were the kind looks you exchanged and the body language and everything somehow. She was obviously a profoundly beautiful human being. :)