C&B TV

[Nelson Swillie]

6.00pm Nelson's Column
Hilarious new series in which C&B regular Nelson Swillie lands a cushy job as a thinkpiece writer for a fictional tabloid - but then hits a snag when he proves incapable of getting through one column without mentioning the Goodies, Heart, how shit the early nineties were or how much students irritate him! Philip Glenister co-stars as Nelson's gruff editor with a heart of gold, and Noel Fielding provides his usual quota of laughs (i.e. fuck all) as the zany trainee reporter with a fixation on marrying intrinsically funny animals to sub-genres of popular music.
_{Written by Barry Tantrum and Eric Lazy
Directed by John Howard Hughes}

6.30pm Famous Mortimer's Hubris Bubble Beatdown
Game show in which contestants have to keep their hubris bubble afloat by pretending to have a "deep love" of hip-hop and namechecking as many deservedly obscure bands and redundant genres as possible. But be careful - one mention of Heart and the bubble will burst! The winners get to bounce around Shoreditch and Hoxton for an hour, nodding their heads distractedly whilst talking in a loud voice about Big Star's Sister Lovers album.

7.00pm I Love Comic Sans
Glebe discusses his ongoing enthusiasm for the popular font with Garfield creator Jim Davis.

7.10pm Jemble Fred Beats Up A Corpse
Join the cherubic irritant as he whinges on about how he can't bear to watch anything with Spike Milligan in for more than five minutes without wanting to kill somebody. As if that's somehow a valid opinion that people will give two fucks about.
_{"I'm glad I pissed in his tea" - Bill Oddie.
A Babycock production for C&B TV}

8.00pm Shit For Cunts
New comedy-drama series based on the popular meme.
1/52 Withnail and I is Brilliant, Actually.
The Wetherspoon's in Old Holborn once again rings to lines of dialogue quoted verbatim from Bruce Robinson's depressingly popular slice of poshboy squalor.
_{LF Barfe GRAEME GARDEN
Shoulders?-Stomach! DANNY DYER
Johnny Townmouse MATTHEW HORNE
Miserable cunt who turns up and spoils it all by saying he prefers something with actual laughs in it NELSON SWILLIE
A Keep Steve Coogan in Lapdancers and Cocaine production for C&B TV}

9.00pm From Baddiel To Worse
Everyone's favourite monotone laconic unshaven bleary-eyed porn addicted insomniac continues to defy logic and the natural laws of the universe by continuing to find television work. This week, the football fan (when it fucking suits him, and when he has an audience of mooing lads to play up to) charters a boat and sets sail on the sea of bitter tears shed by avid fantards over the fact that none of his appalling output is currently available on DVD. Nor is it ever likely to be, because it's so shockingly shit it makes Russ Abbot's Madhouse look like offbeat comic genius by comparison.
_{A Double First production for C&B TV}

[Neil]

Moved this to HS Art for you Nelson.  No time to read the content now, but I do currently need a list of fake telly shows.  I know there's a thread in here for that, but more CaB-themed ones would be very handy...

(Edit:  Titles, I mean, probably don't need more than that.)

[Nelson Swillie]

9.30pm Ziggy's Gift
Ziggy Starbucks explains once and for all why he always has a picture of a disdainful woman who looks like she's just caught a whiff of a particularly noxious fart as his avatar. Music by the Venetian Snares.
_{An Asymmetrical-Eyed Bisexual Rock Star production for C&B TV}

10.00pm Swear to Jagger
Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt continue to underline their own creative bankruptcy by developing an entire series around the supposedly hilarious idea of there being a Mick Jagger shrine in their shared flat.
_{"Best comedy EVAR!!!1" - caledoniangonzo.com
A Pile of Shit That's Got Steve Coogan's Dirty Fingerprints All Over It production for C&B TV
You may like to know that a DVD of this series will suspiciously appear on a massive fuck-off display just inside the door of your local HMV eight weeks before Christmas, the news of which will be heralded by a tidal wave of twat-juice from overexcited girly fans flooding the internet.}

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

10.03pm He Can Dish It Out...
Cooking show with CaB's own TC 'Raymond Blanc' Raymond.

[rudi]

I thought you didn't like Charlie Brooker, Nelson?

[Nelson Swillie]

I thought you didn't like Charlie Brooker, Nelson?

I hate the cunt. I was basing it on the fake TV guides in things like the Not! book, the Rutland Dirty Weekend Book, the Spitting Image book and so on, all of which predate TV Go Home by aeons.

[rudi]

Hmm, they went for more light humour though. Yours mirrors the spittle-flecked rage of a frustrated, impotent man as portrayed in TVGH.

He was mostly putting it on, of course...

[Famous Mortimer]